FADE IN:

INT. HOME OF DIRECTOR ROGER KUMBLE

ROGER wakes up to see a smiling CARSON DALY standing over him.

CARSON DALY

Hi, Rog.

ROGER KUMBLE

Uh... hi. Are you still a thing?

CARSON DALY

No, not really. But I was the last celebrity to truly embody the whims of screaming teenage girls before social media killed cable TV live request shows. I'm here on their behalf.

ROGER KUMBLE

Ooookay...

CARSON DALY

You see, Rog, they loved the work you did on the After movies. Now they want more.

ROGER KUMBLE

But I only directed one of those.

CARSON DALY

And wasn't that fun?

ROGER KUMBLE

Well, I HAVE always enjoyed making movies about hideously unlikable teenagers. But don't you think I kind of hit the ceiling with After We Collided? I mean, teenagers can't possibly get more hideously unlikable than Josephine and Hero, right?

CARSON DALY

Oh, but they can.

He hands ROGER a book.

ROGER KUMBLE

Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire.

(reads back blurb)

A story about a prissy college freshman who starts out not liking a tattooed bad boy but falling in love with him. Carson, isn't this just the same story?

CARSON DALY

(smile widens)

No, Rog. It's worse.

ROGER KUMBLE

That's impossible.

CARSON DALY

Is it? Wasn't 365 Days is just Fifty Shades of Grey but worse?

ROGER KUMBLE

Yes, I suppose that's true...

CARSON DALY

And wasn't Fallen just Twilight but worse?

ROGER KUMBLE

Wait, what's Fallen?

CARSON DALY

Rog, listen to me: There's no bottom anymore. It's gone. Whenever you think you've encountered the most abhorrent couple in fiction, another one will come along to make you want to sterilize the entire human race. You know what that means.

ROGER KUMBLE

(slowly nods)

Yes. Another opportunity to part teenage girls from their parents' money when they should be spending it on well-researched books about the warning signs of a toxic relationship instead.

CARSON DALY

EXACTLY. So, are you in?

ROGER KUMBLE

(thinks)

All right, I'll make you a deal. Just so I don't have to spend too much time thinking about this... five After We Collided actors in the cast.

CARSON DALY

Two.

ROGER KUMBLE

Three.

CARSON DALY

Done. See you in the cheapest Eastern Bloc filming location we can find.

INT. COLLEGE CAMPUS IN BULGARIA CALIFORNIA

New girl VIRGINIA GARDNER arrives and meets up with her longtime BFF, LIBE BARER.

LIBE BARER

Ohmygod you're here! I can't wait to show you the seedy underbelly of this place! You'll love it!

VIRGINIA GARDNER

No, I won't, and you know it. The whole reason I came here was to escape the seedy overbelly of my father's gambling problem. Why else do you think I'm dressed like a Mormon librarian?

LIBE BARER

You're going.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Ugh, fine.

They go to an UNDERGROUND FIGHT.

ANNOUNCER AKSHAY KUMAR

LISTEN UP, BITCHES! JUST A REMINDER THAT CHANTING, SIRENS, LOUD MUSIC, FLASHING LIGHTS, AND THE MEGAPHONE I'M SCREAMING INTO MIGHT GIVE OUR POSITION AWAY AND GET THIS WHOLE THING SHUT DOWN, SO ARE WE KEEPING IT ON THE D.L. TONIGHT OR WHAT?!

DOZENS OF PEOPLE

DEE-ELL! DEE-ELL! DEE-ELL!

ANNOUNCER AKSHAY KUMAR

ALL RIIIIIIIIIIGHT! TONIGHT'S CHALLENGER DOESN'T MATTER, SO GIVE IT UP FOR OUR REIGNING CHAMPION, DYLAAAAN SPROOUUUSE!

DOZENS OF PEOPLE

...Huh? Him?

ANNOUNCER AKSHAY KUMAR

Okay, I know a lot of you still remember him as a pint-sized Disney Channel brat, BUT HE'S INKED AND RIPPED NOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!

DOZENS OF PEOPLE

Oh. Okay. Cool.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Yeah, Libe, I should really be back at the dorm knitting or reading the dictionary or something, so...

DYLAN enters.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

...soooo I'm just going to stay here and pretend Dylan actually is hot enough for me to approve of this. PAIN HIM, DYLAN! PAIN HIM HARD AND PAIN HIM LONG!

DYLAN SPROUSE

(does)

VIRGINIA rushes back to her DORM and masturbates to the thought of him PAINING PEOPLE.

VIRGINIA'S ROOMMATE

(dials campus counseling service)

Hey, just a heads up...

INT. LECTURE HALL

VIRGINIA and DYLAN end up having pretty much the exact same SCHEDULE.

DYLAN SPROUSE

Hi.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Stop flirting with me. And don't let the fact that I'm ignoring the lecture to ogle your Instagram convince you that I want you to.

DYLAN SPROUSE

I'm flirting.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Ugh, fine. But don't actually try to sleep with me, make out with me, take me on a date, make conversation with me, treat me any differently than those stupid skanky other girls you usually bang on your couch and send on their way.

DYLAN SPROUSE

Absolutely everything you just said will happen.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Ugh, fine.

DYLAN SPROUSE

You know, if you're serious about not wanting anything to do with me, you could just not spend time with me and ignore me for the rest of your life.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Yeah. I could.

(but doesn't for some fucking reason)

Then she meets NEIL BISHOP.

NEIL BISHOP

I'm a handsome medical student with an unbroken family and respect for your boundaries.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

(hits him with a hammer)

NEIL BISHOP

OWWW! What the hell was that for?!

VIRGINIA GARDNER

I'm irresistibly attracted to Dylan despite all better judgment. No guy can turn me on as much as him unless they can get pained without complaint at any given moment. You're not doing well so far.

INT. THE NEXT MONTH

VIRGINIA basically moves in with DYLAN.

LIBE BARER

Okay, explain this to me again. You're living with Dylan, but you're also kind of going out with Neil.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Uh-huh.

LIBE BARER

But your dates with Neil aren't really going anywhere, because you aren't really that into him.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Yes.

LIBE BARER

And you aren't having sex with Dylan either, but you're sleeping in his bed every night.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Right.

LIBE BARER

And the reason you're not having sex with him, even though you absolutely are that into him, is because you don't want him to get too close.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Correct.

LIBE BARER

But the excuse you have for sleeping in his bed every night is that you lost a bet, even though nobody but Dylan knows the bet ever happened, and a bet isn't legally binding, so you could bail and return to your dorm whenever you felt like it.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Exactly.

LIBE BARER

(rubs temples)

And the reason you're driving out to meet Dylan's family is...?

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Libe, it all comes down to this: None of my decisions make sense. Not one. And they make even less sense in the book, where Dylan has a much shorter temper and subjects me to a lot more public humiliation. But as long as nobody but you learns about my past, everything will be fine.

She goes to DYLAN's house and meets his father, MICHAEL CUDLITZ, and FOUR OTHER GUYS.

MICHAEL CUDLITZ

Now, Virginia, you look like a completely average and slightly uptight girl, so I'm going to assume you don't want to participate in our nightly poker game. That's--

VIRGINIA GARDNER

(hustles them all)

I'm the prodigal daughter of an infamous high-stakes gambler.

FOUR OTHER GUYS

HOLY SHIT!

(take pictures with her and probably share them on every poker forum on the internet)

MICHAEL CUDLITZ

Hot damn, my boy's girlfriend was the underage poker champ of the 2000s?

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Sure was!

DYLAN SPROUSE

Wait... now you're my girlfriend?

VIRGINIA GARDNER

What? No way.

DYLAN SPROUSE

So why didn't you correct my dad just now?

VIRGINIA GARDNER

I dunno.

DYLAN SPROUSE

CHRIST. I can't take this anymore. Can we just fuck already and give the fans what they want?

VIRGINIA GARDNER

No.

(jumps into his lap and grinds)

DYLAN SPROUSE

BRAIN HUUUUUURRRRRRRTS

INT. LAS VEGAS

Without telling ANYONE she left, VIRGINIA travels across state lines in a car driven by SOME GUY SHE'S NEVER MET. Mob boss ROB ESTES is waiting.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

This had better not be about me having to win the money my father owes you, even though I'm still under 21. That bullshit is the reason I left in the first place.

ROB ESTES

That's exactly what this is about. But since you skipped town to get away from your dad's influence, you probably won't mind if we pained him, which is the kind of payment he knew to expect when he got mixed up with us. Right?

VIRGINIA GARDNER

I would, actually.

ROB ESTES

WHY?! FUCKING WHY?!??!?!?!?!

(bashes head repeatedly into desk)

Fine. Whatever. I don't care. I just hope you can make it through a card game that's mostly based on good judgment.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

(wins every penny)

(immediately gets it taken away)

Okay, that last part was bad luck, I swear! I'm sure I can turn it around by the next line!

DYLAN SPROUSE

(bursts in)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Dylan, how the hell did you find me here?

DYLAN SPROUSE

I have no idea.

(pains one of ROB's mooks half to death)

ROB ESTES

Impressive. You two can go fuck now.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

You're just letting us go? You're not even gonna do a light kneecapping first?

ROB ESTES

Not worth my energy. Although now that I think about it...

(takes out saxophone)

Okay, go.

(begins playing Benny Hill theme)

VIRGINIA and DYLAN run off to their room to break FURNITURE, break BATHROOM FIXTURES, break ELECTRONICS, rip various ITEMS OF CLOTHING and LINENS, give themselves numerous MINOR INJURIES, cause multiple NOISE COMPLAINTS, rack up THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN DAMAGES, and not actually have SEX.

THIS is literally what happens. Why does IT happen? Go fuck YOURSELF, that's why.

ROB ESTES

I've changed my mind. Dylan, since you're so good at paining my mooks, you can earn the money by paining other guys.

DYLAN SPROUSE

Sure.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Okay, even by my standards, that's a TERRIBLE idea. Did you not gather that this guy is in the fucking mob?

DYLAN SPROUSE

But you know how good I am at paining. How hard can this be?

ROB ESTES

(sends in one of those anti-personnel mines that explodes if you give it a little pinch)

DYLAN SPROUSE

Well, fuck.

Luckily, some poorly dubbed SPECTATOR "accidentally" drops his DRINK from a BALCONY onto an EXPOSED WIRE, lighting up the entire PLACE. VIRGINIA and DYLAN run out.

FIRE

(will never come up again)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Oh, while we were running, I heard my dad saying he never owed Rob anything and he was just planning to use me to win more money over the long term. So I disowned him for real, finally, and I guess everything's fine.

DYLAN SPROUSE

Awesome. What do we do now?

END CREDITS

(set up forthcoming wedding sequel)

INT. HOME OF JESS M.

JESS M. sits frozen in horror. She turns around to see CARSON DALY smiling at her.

CARSON DALY

Hi, Jess.

JESS M.

(lifts head and screams)

END