FADE IN:

EXT. SOMEWHERE PRETTY

10 year old VICTORIA COMTE dances ballet with her father, DAVID CASTAÑEDA.

VICTORIA COMTE

Daddy, I suck. Will I ever get better at ballet?

DAVID CASTAÑEDA

I dunno, sweetie. Whatever you do, dont be like Natalie Portman. Leave your hangnails alone.

GABRIEL BYRNE enters.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Time to die, Dave. I'm sick of the same old shit from you. The Simpsons is on it's 37th season. Do something else for God's sake!

DAVID CASTAÑEDA

That's Dan Castellaneta, dumbass. I'm just a Joe Schmoe who wants a nice life with my daughter.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Ah, but you're not a Joe Schmoe. You're wife was a part of our cult. You took her from us, and that's why she's now dead!

DAVID CASTAÑEDA

...a little vague on the details there, buddy.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Welp, you've got two options. Kill yourself, or we'll kill you and your daughter. Tick tock, Fuckface.

DAVID CASTAÑEDA

I choose secret option number 3. Since I have the same training as John Wick, I will use my powers to turn everything pink and blue and annihilate all of you!

DAVID BLOWS THEM UP with his booby-trapped BOMB HOUSE.

VICTORIA COMPTE

We made it! But oh no, my daddy is hurt! I'll now do what all children do, stare at the sunset and ponder my future!

At the hospital, IAN MCSHANE approaches her.

IAN MCSHANE

Hi, little girl. Sorry about your dead dad. Next time call 911 before you stare at a sunset. You can come with me, a total stranger, and I'll take you to a boarding house to live with your father's "family". I won't even fill out any paperwork.

VICTORIA COMTE

This is the worst hospital ever.

INT. BALLET/ASSASSIN TRAINING SCHOOL

Victoria meets EVIL BALLET INSTRUCTOR ANJELICA HUSTON.

ANJELICA HUSTON

We are the Ruska Roma, a.k.a. your father's "family". With us, you will learn Evil Ballet until your toes rot off. You'll also receive combat training where men twice your size kick your ass for the next decade. Does that sound nice?

VICTORIA COMPTE

There's no other educational options for 10 year olds? Long division and Charlotte's Web maybe?

ANJELICA HUSTON

Nonsense. Every young girl wants to become a cutthroat assassin.

INT. HOGWARTS FOR KILLERS - 12 YEARS LATER

VICTORIA grows up into ANA DE ARMAS. She and the other students train with SHARON DUNCAN-BREWSTER.

SHARON DUNCAN-BREWSTER

In order to fight like "Kikimora," you must become "Kikimora."

ANA DE ARMAS

The fuck is a kiwimara? A bird?

SHARON DUNCAN-BREWSTER

A vengeful assassin. It's also an old Slavic spirit ...and also a protector ...and also-

ANA DE ARMAS

I get it. I'm not familiar with Slavic folklore, but I guess that's what you are counting on.

SHARON DUNCAN-BREWSTER

Once you reach "Kikimora" status, you may then evolve into the most lethal assassin, the "Babayaga." Right now, there's only one "Babayaga" and you all know who he is. We also might see him as is currently in Chapter 3 of the franchise.

ANA DE ARMAS

(Googling)

It says here that the KeeKeeMah spirit thingy is a gnarled old woman with chicken-like features. Can I become that instead? That sounds way funnier -ack!

SHARON PICKS UP and THROWS five GROWN MEN at ANA. This trains her to STOP SUCKING.

Later, a mysterious yet familiar figure arrives as the school. It's KEANU!

ANA DE ARMAS

It's you, the GooGooGaga or whatever.

KEANU REEVES

You need to pay more attention in class. Now watch as I give some of the worst line deliveries of all time.

ANA DE ARMAS

Wait, I want to be a badass like you. How do I start doing what you do?

KEANU REEVES

Aren't you in literal school for this? Ask Anjelica if she has an internship program or something!

INT. FANCY ICE BAR INTERNSHIP

ANA FETCHES COFFEE on her first FIELD MISSION. Everything is pink and blue again because these movies can't get enough BISEXUAL LIGHTING.

ANA DE ARMAS

Remember your training, Ana. You're a shrimp, so you can't fight with strength alone. You've also got nothing but a paintball gun, so you'll need to improvise.

ANA spends most of the time getting PUMMELED but ends up DEFEATING the assassins with metal pipes and a decorative ICE PICK.

ANA DE ARMAS

Thank God this alcohol serving, assassin-hosting night club favors decor instead of safety!

INT. ANJELICA'S OFFICE - A YEAR LATER.

ANA has achieved the American dream of becoming a FULL TIME ASSASSIN with HEALTH INSURANCE and a 401k. She brings ANJELICA a severed HAND.

ANJELICA HUSTON

Thing! Lil' buddy! Haven't seen you since the Addam's Family Values wrap party!

ANA DE ARMAS

It's not "Thing." The mark on this guy's wrist is the same mark as the man who killed my father. I cut off his hand for dramatic effect.

ANJELICA HUSTON

Oh. Well, you can't kill them. They're some nutball cult that the Ruska Roma have a truce with.

ANA DE ARMAS

Well I'm gonna, so there.

ANJELICA HUSTON

No! We've had peace for years. If this truce is broken, they'll start door knocking with their pamphlets and personality tests again. I wont have it!

Against ANJELICA'S wishes, ANA goes to the CONTINENTAL HOTEL and is greeted by LANCE REDDICK.

LANCE REDDICK

Welcome Miss Armas. This is my last film appearance before my untimely passing. Promise me something. If Guerilla Games disrespects my character in Horizon 3, you will riot.

ANA gets intel on NORMAN REEDUS, who is wanted by every assassin in Europe. She scales the side of the hotel and easily strolls through his window.

NORMAN REEDUS

Guess I only had enough booby traps for the front door.

ANA DE ARMAS

Are we on The Walking Dead set? Why do you still look like a wandering nomad?

NORMAN REEDUS

It's just my look. Now help me save my young daughter with the Puss 'N Boots eyes and I'll help you track down the cult. I would know, the head of the cult is Gabriel, my father. He also put the bounty on me. To think he still uses that "#1 Dad" mug I gave him.

It is at this exact moment GABRIEL orders his cult assassins to KILL ANA and NORMAN. They get incapacitated, and NORMAN'S daughter gets kidnapped!

CONTINENTAL GUARDS

You spilled blood on Continental Grounds. That breaks our rules about this hotel being a safe haven for murderers.

CULT ASSASSIN

But... we didn't kill anyone.

CONTINENTAL GUARDS

Yeah but you totally wanted to and that's just as bad! Now watch as we dispose of you but spare Norman, the guy who killed multiple people.

EXT. HALSTATT, AUSTRIA - A TOWN INSIDE A SNOWGLOBE

ANA tracks GABRIEL to lakeside town full of families who are all more CULT ASSASSINS.

ANA DE ARMAS

How cute. Even bloodthirsty contract killers want a life of minivans and Crocs.

On GABRIEL'S orders, the SUBURBAN CULT ASSASSINS leave their LAWNMOWERS and BOOK CLUBS to hunt down ANA.

ANA DE ARMAS

Remember your training, Ana. Always be lucky, and be in the vicinity of something really cool.

She becomes ANA DE ARMED with conveniently placed GRENADES, ICE SKATES, FLAMETHROWERS, and FIREHOSES.

ANA DE ARMAS

That's right bitches, you don't mess with the KookyMary! Or, what is it again? I promise I'll get it, really!

GABRIEL calls ANJELICA.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Listen here, you vodka-soaked hag. Call off your dog!

ANJELICA HUSTON

You Hail Bop-chasing cult freak, she's not my dog. Your assassins getting themselves killed by a pint-sized agent is totally a you problem.

GABRIEL BYRNE

That's it, this truce is over! Prepare for my wrath. I'll send over the next best cult leader I know. Jared Leto!

ANJELICA HUSTON

Good God, anything but that. Alright, I'll call Keanu to take care of her. Satisfied?

GABRIEL BYRNE

The BabyBaBa himself... yes, that'll do.

KEANU TELEPORTS to Halstatt and confronts ANA.

KEANU REEVES

This has gone far enough. Charlize Theron rightfully looked like roadkill after all the fighting in Atomic Blonde. You've been getting your ass kicked just as much and all you've got is a strand of hair out of place? I call bullshit on this.

ANA DE ARMAS

You and Common had a completely silent gun fight in an subway terminal where 50 bullets flew past bystanders and no one even noticed. Don't give me shit about realism.

KEANU REEVES

You should've given this life up, it's not worth it. Look at me. Anjelica told me to go fuck myself earlier but here I am doing her another favor.

ANA DE ARMAS

Not until I avenge my father! C'mon, my father, your puppy, you have to understand!

KEANU REEVES

IT WASN'T JUST A PUPPY... nope, nope, not explaining this again.

KEANU gives her until midnight to get the job done. She finally tracks down GABRIEL.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Yes, it is I who killed your father. Your mother was my daughter, and your father wanted to take you away. So I killed them both. You belong with our cult, not the Ruska Roma. Come, let's discuss this over a nice hot mug of poison Kool-Aid.

ANA DE ARMAS

Take that "#1 Grandpa" mug and shove it up your ass, Gabe. Give back Norman's daughter, my cousin I guess... 'cuz that would make Norman my uncle... You know what? Let's all take a 23andMe test, and then I'll kill you.

GABRIEL BYRNE

But it’s fate! Do you even understand fate? I'll ramble on about it nonstop! At least until a bullet decides my skull looks like a comfortable place to live.

ANA'S bullet turns his head into a nice STUDIO APARTMENT.

KEANU REEVES

So you've killed your grandfather. Don't feel bad, he was evil. Plus, you know his next monologue would be about how everything used to cost five cents.

ANA DE ARMAS

Thanks for letting me go. Now you don't have to kill me and I can reunite Norman and his daughter.

KEANU REEVES

No problem. I will now tell Anjelica everything, resulting in a 5 million dollar bounty on your head. Good luck leading a peaceful life after this.

ANA DE ARMAS

Go ahead and teleport back to your plane to New York now. Wouldn't want to miss that motorcycle fight, and you falling 20 stories onto pavement, and everything that happens in John Wick 4.

KEANU REEVES

I really should have stayed in retirement.

END.