FADE IN:

INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTHERN HIGH SCHOOL

ALDEN EHRENREICH meets up with his ex-girlfriend ZOEY DEUTCH.

ZOEY DEUTCH

I heard that the new girl Alice Englert comes from a family of evil witches! We've got to show them they're not welcome!

ALDEN EHRENREICH

So this is a satire on Southern superstition and prejudice. I guess that makes my "hate everything and everyone in this town" attitude more tolerable.

ZOEY DEUTCH

Actually it turns out most of Alice's family really ARE evil witches, making our insane ramblings almost completely justified.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Well done movie. You've made the local Westboro Baptists into the heroes.

ALICE ENGLERT enters the classroom and slumps down at her DESK.

ALICE ENGLERT

(sulks)

ALDEN EHRENREICH

I love this woman!

EXT. SLIPPERY ROAD - RAINY

ALDEN nearly runs over ALICE in his car.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

JESUS CHRIST WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE ROAD I COULD HAVE HIT YOU!

ALICE ENGLERT

(rolls eyes)

God, all I was doing was standing in the middle of the road during the slipperiest conditions of the year. Idiot.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Why were you doing that?

ALICE ENGLERT

My car broke down. Dumbass.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Well, would you like me to give you a lift?

ALICE ENGLERT

Thanks, that would be great!

(pause)

Dickhead.

EXT. ALICE'S CREEPY MANSION

SEVERAL DAYS LATER, ALDEN finds ALICE sitting in the garden.

ALICE ENGLERT

What are you doing here!? How did you get in!?

ALDEN EHRENREICH

I was worried about your well-being so I thought I'd break into your house! Are you feeling comfortable yet?

ALICE ENGLERT

Yes, now go away!

ALDEN EHRENREICH

No. Your open hostility makes me think we have a future together.

ALICE ENGLERT

(secretly flattered)

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Why don't we talk about our interests? I'm an avid reader. I'm always comparing myself to the protagonist of "Slaughterhouse Five."

ALICE ENGLERT

Because you're in "a constant state of stage fright"?

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Because I'm in a story with poorly explained rules and inexplicable time travel. But we'll get to that.

SO IT GOES. Eventually ALICE'S UNCLE JEREMY IRONS comes outside.

JEREMY IRONS

Why hello Alden. Why don't you come inside for a spot of tea. I promise nothing creepy will happen to you.

SOMETHING CREEPY HAPPENS TO ALDEN.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

What the fuck?

ALICE ENGLERT

My family is...different. We have the ability to do magic and cast spells.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

You mean you're witches?

ALICE ENGLERT

Whoa, whoa! Only a w-word is allowed to use the w-word. We call ourselves Casters.

(tears up)

I've been a outsider my whole life. So my family decided to move here, where everyone knows about our occult history.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

And where you owned the creepiest house outside of "The Addams Family." Makes sense. So why'd Jeremy put that hex on me?

ALICE ENGLERT

Because he wanted you off the property. And he has callthepoliceaphobia.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Again, great job on the low profile.

ALDEN and ALICE touch an OLD WATCH,, which makes them UNSTUCK IN TIME and see the CIVIL WAR.

ALICE ENGLERT

Aaaaah! Wait, why was everything in sepia tones? Did people in the 1860s only see in brown?

INT. CHURCH

EMMA THOMPSON whips up outrage against ALICE.

EMMA THOMPSON

Alice's family are demons! One day it's witchcraft, the next it's blacks and whites sharing the same drinking fountain! They must be burnt at the stake!

ZOEY DEUTCH

Wow, we're really building up this witch-hunting thing. I can't wait to see how it pays off.

EMMA THOMPSON

(pause)

Yes, about that...

JEREMY IRONS bursts into the CHURCH!

JEREMY IRONS

I won't have my niece bullied by you! In fact-wait, why is everyone suddenly frozen in their seats? What's going on?

EMMA THOMPSON

Bwahahaha! It's me, Alice's evil mother! Together we're shall-

JEREMY IRONS

(sighing)

-rule the world.

EMMA THOMPSON

...and wipe out the human race! They have oppressed us long enough!

JEREMY IRONS

So why are you creating even more hatred and oppression?

EMMA THOMPSON

Shut up, I'm vamping!

(pumping fist)

Yeeeeah! Evil!

JEREMY IRONS

Are you really going to be that hammy the entire film?

EMMA THOMPSON

Are you really going to trust the script alone to keep the audience entertained?

There is a PREGNANT SILENCE.

JEREMY IRONS

ALICE WILL NOT GIVE IN TO THE DARK SIDE!

EMMA THOMPSON

LOOK INTO YOUR HEART! YOU KNOW I SPEAK THE BITTER TRUTH!

INT. DOWNTOWN SOUTHERN SHITHOLE

ALICE and ALDEN become UNSTUCK IN TIME again, this time while watching a MOVIE.

CGI EMMA THOMPSON

Bwahahaha! Now do you see my darling? Now do you see the curse that haunts us?

ALICE ENGLERT

No. I can't see anything through this choppy editing. Is the curse that I keep skipping forward three seconds?

They go to JEREMY IRONS for answers.

JEREMY IRONS

On every Caster's sixteenth birthday, they are asked to make a choice between Light and Dark magic.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Well, that doesn't sound so bad. Why can't Alice just choose to be Light?

JEREMY IRONS

Only men can choose their moral path. Females can't choose for themselves because they're ruled by their inner desires.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

(pause)

Seriously?

JEREMY IRONS

Seriously.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

What the fucking fuck? Every blogger and their cat called out the Twilight Saga for its misogyny. How did this sexist garbage sneak under everyone's radar?

ALICE ENGLERT

People actually saw the Twilight movies, Alden.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

But hang on, Jeremy is a Dark Caster and he doesn't do much more than snark. What's so bad about that?

ALICE ENGLERT

Female Casters like my cousin Emmy Rossum don't become snarkmasters. They wear skimpy clothing and lure young men into traps.

JEREMY IRONS

Indeed. And now this Civil War curse is kinda sorta implying that Alice is doomed to be next. Maybe. Even if we explained it fully it would just get lost in the thousand other things we're explaining.

ALICE ENGLERT

So is this it? Am I doomed to be evil?

JEREMY IRONS

Nonsense. You're a strong, emotionally resilient girl. You'll be fine.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

So, can we still date?

JEREMY IRONS

WHAT!? THAT'S CRAZY! YOU'LL SNAP HER WILL LIKE A TWIG AND SHE'LL BE BARBEQUING ORPHANS AND USING DISEMBOWELED NUNS AS CHAMBERPOTS!

ALICE ENGLERT

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Jeremy.

JEREMEY IRONS

Alice, when I saw you might be turning evil I swore to protect you from emotional harm. That's why I forbid you from friendships and tried to break up your first romance.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

But Alice is my dream girl! She's got a bitchy attitude, psycho relatives and the potential to be the next Voldemort!

ALICE ENGLERT

Yeah, but Jeremy has a point. It would be selfish for me to do anything that might help my mother destroy the mortal world.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

(smouldering look)

ALICE ENGLERT

...Fine.

EXT. DESERTED ROAD

ALICE meets up with ALDEN.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

GAH! A five foot raccoon! Oh, it's you. What the hell happened to your mascara?

ALICE ENGLERT

I'm turning evil! Didn't my eyeliner give you the hint?

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Oh no! Well no matter what terrible temptations you find yourself drawn to, remember that I love you and we can face them together!

ALICE ENGLERT

Actually I'm not wrestling with doing anything evil. I'm just dressing gothier.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Oh.

(pause)

Well no matter what dastardly facial products we face, remember that I love you and we can face them together! Love can conquer the darkest of lipsticks!

INT. LIBRARY

ALICE and ALDEN go to the library for help.

VIOLA DAVIS

I am the secret librarian for all Casters. I also practice voodoo, because black.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Can you help us break Alice's curse?

VIOLA DAVIS

Sure, I can also tell you that your mother used to be involved with Jeremy.

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Is that going to be another one of those threads that aren't really explored? Or...

VIOLA DAVIS

Library montage!

We get not just ONE, but TWO EXCITING READING MONTAGES.

ALICE ENGLERT

Oh my God! It says that in order to break the curse, someone I love must die!

VIOLA DAVIS

What a horrifying dilemma!

ALICE ENGLERT

Or I could just erase their memories of me. That apparently works too.

ALICE uses the neuralizer on ALDEN. The local PREACHER gives a sermon on SACRIFICE in case we're FUCKING STUPID.

EXT. SOUTHERN COUNTRYSIDE

EMMA THOMPSON and EMMY ROSSUM do some scheming.

EMMA THOMPSON

We'll kill Alden right in front of Alice's eyes! That will tip her over into the dark side!

EMMY ROSSUM

Doesn't killing someone she loves break the curse? Aren't we just shooting ourselves in the foot?

EMMA THOMPSON

Shut up! Now, you have the ability to make men do anything you want, even commit suicide! Killing Alden should be a snap.

EMMY ROSSUM

Yeah! I'll seduce his best friend, convince him to take part in a Civil War reenactment, and then magically place real bullets in his rifle in case he decides to jokingly shoot Alden!

EMMA THOMPSON

Excel-wait, what?

SURPRISINGLY, this plan goes off WITHOUT A HITCH. Soon ALICE is holding a DYING ALDEN in her arms.

EMMY ROSSUM

Gee, I'm so glad we chose to do this at a Civil War reenactment. Otherwise all those flashbacks to the Civil War would have been ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS.

EMMA THOMPSON

Success! Now that we've killed the love of your life, you'll happily go along with everything we say!

(pause)

We did not think this through.

ALICE ENGLERT

Raargh! I'm so mad I'll summon a tornado that will attack everything BUT you assholes!

ALDEN EHRENREICH

Alice! Stop!

(metamorphoses into Jeremy Irons)

It was me all long!

ALICE ENGLERT

Jeremy? Why?

JEREMY IRONS

I didn't want you to turn to the dark side in your grief.

ALICE ENGLERT

So instead of losing my high school boyfriend I'm losing the man who cared for me as a father since I was a child. Thanks Jeremy.

JEREMY IRONS

Yeah. Well at least with my heroic sacrifice I'm proving that this whole Dark Caster, Light Caster thing is bullshit.

(dies)

EMMA THOMPSON

So...Are we still good for evil?

ALICE slowly chokes EMMA, and then drags the SOUL out of her SCREAMING, HELPLESS MOTHER as she begs for mercy. She then uses VINES to tear EMMA'S SOUL apart, piece by piece.

EMMY ROSSUM

Holy shit! What are you going to do to me?

ALICE ENGLERT

Nothing. You're free to go. Enjoy destroying the hearts of men!

EMMY flies. VIOLA arrives in time to be USELESS.

VIOLA DAVIS

Hey, it's also your sixteenth birthday! Did you turn Dark or Light? I'm guessing Dark, since you totally killed those people who got swept up in your tornado.

ALICE ENGLERT

(beat)

I don't know.

VIOLA DAVIS

You don't know? But we spent the whole fucking movie waiting to see if you would turn Dark!

ALICE ENGLERT

I think I'm maybe Light and Dark? Possibly? And that's possible...somehow? Honestly, this movie is like the evil twin of Shyamalan's "The Last Airbender." There's not enough explanation, but everything FEELS like it should make sense.

INT. LIBRARY

ALDEN is heading off to COLLEGE while ALICE has accepted herself for who she is.

ALICE ENGLERT

Our first romance may have gone down in flames, but we've pulled ourselves together and we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us. That's a surprisingly adult message for our teenage audience.

(pause)

Oh what the heck. Let's get back together at the last minute. I smell a franchise!

END.