FADE IN:

EXT. EARTH - PROLOGUE

WILLIAM HURT (V.O.)

Three years ago nearly all of Earth’s 7 billion humans were taken over by body snatching aliens who wear awful white contact lenses.

(pause)

It seems they managed to accomplish this without fighting a global war and without any major resistance from humans at all. I mean, absolutely none whatsoever.

(pause)

So these aliens must, like, beam themselves directly into our skulls or replicate and kill us in our sleep, otherwise the odds of this type of alien invasion succeeding so bloodlessly would be about 9 million to 1.

WILLIAM is off by about a TRILLION.

INT. ABANDONED BUILDING

SAOIRSE RONAN and her LITTLE BRO whose name you DON’T NEED TO KNOW TRUST ME are being chased by BODY SNATCHED HUMANS known as SEEKERS led by DIANE KRUGER.

SAOIRSE distracts the SEEKERS so LITTLE BRO can escape.

DIANE KRUGER

I am a dull, lifeless person incapable of emoting. And so is my character, so great casting on the film’s part. Hey, Saoirse. Don’t run away. We’re here to take you to the set so you can star in the new hit Stephenie Meyer film franchise!

SAOIRSE RONAN

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

(flings self out of window!)

DIANE KRUGER

(sigh)

Teenagers.

INT. MAGIC MEDICAL PLACE

SAOIRSE is placed on one of those hospital beds with the RIPPED PAPER.

ALIEN DOCTOR

She didn’t break a single bone or rupture any of her organs despite jumping through a plate glass window and falling five stories? How?

DIANE KRUGER

Because she is the most special and unique girl in the whole entire world and us adults just don’t understand how perfect she is.

YOUNG FEMALE AUDIENCE

Hey! That sounds like us!

The SEEKERS spray some MAGIC BREATH FRESHENER into SAOIRSE’s mouth, healing all her wounds. Then they implant her with an ALIEN JELLYFISH known as a SOUL.

They do this by making a small incision in the back of her neck and gently coaxing the JELLYFISH into her while the SCORE pounds our FUCKING EAR DRUMS into our SKULLS.

DIANE KRUGER

Hey waitwaitwaitwaitwait a minute here-- so THIS is how the aliens take over human bodies?! Did we have to repeat this process for all 7 BILLION PEOPLE?! How? Our alien jellyfish versions are totally defenseless and vulnerable! How did the first Souls even manage to take over one human if you need at least one other person to complete a body snatching?

AUTHOR STEPHENIE MEYER

You’d know if you had read my book, presumably!

DIANE KRUGER

Wait, so we are intentionally fucking over the non-book readers and the only way to understand that part of the story is to Wiki it? Seriously, is the movie not even going to attempt to explain how the invasion worked?

NO, they FUCKING WON’T, thus scoring an AUTOMATIC FAIL in the PLOT BELIEVABILITY category.

SAOIRSE wakes up as ALIEN SAOIRSE.

DIANE KRUGER

What is your name, fellow alien invader?

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Apparently our species doesn’t come pre-loaded with a personality so I’ll just make one up right here. I have spent a lot of time wandering the galaxy, so call me “Wanderer”.

DIANE KRUGER

You do realize you can take some more time to think about it, right? You don’t have to settle on the first dumb thing that pops into your head.

AUTHOR STEPHENIE MEYER

Ahem!

DIANE KRUGER

I didn’t mean you, Steph! Honest!

(crosses fingers behind back)

So Alien Saoirse, I need you to access your host’s memories so we can track down other humans and convert them into boring yuppies like the rest of us.

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

No, Alien Me! Don’t do it!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Huh? Wait, what’s going on? Our hosts aren’t supposed to be fighting back. How is this possible?

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

Did you not hear the part about me being the most special girl in the world? I have the ability to resist you taking me over completely, so I am reduced to being an annoying voice in your head. Please don’t tell the Seekers about my Little Bro!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Too late! I just did!

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

Yah betch! I hates yah!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Why are you suddenly talking in a painful southern accent now?

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

I do that off and on. See, the Seekers represent Big City conformity and technology while the last vestige of humans represent Small Town living, i.e. southerners with awful old-timey character names. That way we manage to offend all regions of the nation equally!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Well it’s my duty to sift through your memories to find your human resistance group so I think I’ll start with your “meet cute love interest” memory.

INT. AMERICA - SAOIRSE’S MEMORIES (FLASHBACK)

The WORLD has been taken over by SEEKERS, OFF SCREEN. Aside from being TOLD THAT, there is ZERO VISUAL EVIDENCE of this.

SAOIRSE is scavenging for food when she is accosted by BLAND LOVE INTEREST #1 MAX IRONS.

MAX IRONS

Oh my God! Another human! I thought I was the only one! I’m so excited to see you my very first instinct is to suck your face!

This HAPPENS.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Yes, because women love it when men they don’t know shove their tongue down our throat. BTW, you fail at kissing.

MAX IRONS

That’s actually one of the things that will come to define our eternal love for each other!

SAOIRSE RONAN

Our what?

MAX IRONS

Oh, did I not mention that? We’re in love now!

SAOIRSE RONAN

HUH?!

This HAPPENS. UGH.

They manage to hide from the SEEKERS by sitting on a COUCH in an OPEN FIELD in front of a BONFIRE. Not so good at THE STEALTH, these two.

This eventually leads to Saoirse jumping out of a window. Something the AUDIENCE is thinking about doing right about now.

INT. ALIEN SAOIRSE’S BLAND APARTMENT

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Oh no! Saoirse’s memories of Dawson’s Creek-style romantic angst has made me see Saoirse as a real person!

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

Yes! Now we need to get out of the city before the Seekers find the human resistance and carry out their nefarious plan of... say, why did you guys invade our planet again?

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Just so we could lounge around on Earth as normal humans would by wearing your clothes, driving your cars, working your jobs, etc, except without all that messy killing, lying, violence or individuality nonsense.

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

Let me get this straight. So you don’t want our natural resources or to use our bodies as batteries or to steal our entire collection of scat porn, just to use humans in an elaborate version of The Sims? Who writes this shit?

AUTHOR STEPHENIE MEYER

AHEM!

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

Whoops, sorry Steph, that wasn’t aimed at you. I was just thinking out loud. Swear.

(does the jerkoff motion)

SAOIRSE convinces ALIEN SAOIRSE to escape!

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

Okay, now steal this Old Body Snatched Guy’s car.

ALIEN SAOIRSE

I don’t have to. He’ll just give it to me if I ask. Real polite and trusting, my species is. We’re practically Canadian! Now I’ll drive us to my alien friend in Texas.

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

Well I distracted you with memories of me making out with Max and drove us into the middle of the desert instead!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

You deceitful trollop! I’m taking us back!

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

Not if I wreck the car first!

MAGNETO, or SOMETHING, makes the back end of the car JACKKNIFE 20 FEET into the air and it flips over 27 TIMES and EXPLODES into a MILLION PIECES, killing ALIEN SAOIRSE!

HAHA, JUST FUCKING WITH YOU. SHE’S TOTALLY FINE!

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

And somehow my body has even less bruises on it than when I hit the ground after jumping out of a window.

ALIEN SAOIRSE walks into the desert until she conveniently finds SAOIRSE’s uncle, WILLIAM HURT.

WILLIAM HURT

Oh no, my niece has been body snatched and she’s possibly led the Seekers straight to the human resistance, which I am the leader of!

(pause)

Ah well. Guess I had better take her in and show here around.

JAKE ABEL

I object! As Saoirse's other bland love interest I say we brain her with this machete!

WILLIAM HURT

Even though we have no knowledge of humans being de-body snatched without killing the human host, I opt to keep this potential enemy combatant alive and under no supervision on the off chance we eventually find a way to do that.

(pause)

So if anyone here knows how to get a Soul out of a host without killing both, now might be a good time to mention it.

ALIEN SAOIRSE

(locks mouth shut)

(throws away the key)

WILLIAM HURT

Alright then. On to our farming cave!

INT. FARMING CAVE

The HUMAN RESISTANCE grows wheat inside of a mountain by using a shitload of MIRRORS hanging 100 feet from the ceiling that must have taken construction crews MONTHS to hang up.

WILLIAM HURT

I assume these mirrors and the pulley system we use to operate them were already here before the invasion, which begs the question of why the fuck someone would put this here in the first place.

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Because the plot said so.

(sees Max)

Oh my God it’s Max! Hey! How are you

(gets her face destroyed by the back of Max’s hand)

MAX IRONS

Luckily there was no security footage of that for TMZ to upload and ruin my career with.

Then JAKE ABEL waits until ALIEN SAOIRSE is alone and tries to CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF HER!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Err... is it just me or is this sending a really weird message to the women in the audience given Max and Jake are the two guys Saoirse and I are supposed to be in love with?

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

Okay, sure, they’ve either forced themselves on us or physically battered us by this point, but that’s just a guy’s way of showing a girl that he cares about her!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Err... this is starting to get really uncomfortable so let’s cut to something else now.

Meanwhile...

EXT. DESERT ROAD

MAX and some REDSHIRTS are bringing food back to the resistance in HUGE CONSPICUOUS TRUCKS.

REDSHIRT #1

Oh no! The Seekers have spotted us!

REDSHIRT #2

But how?! We were wearing sunglasses to cover up our non-white eyes! That was a totally foolproof plan!

REDSHIRT #1

It might be because I was speeding!

REDSHIRT #2

You fucking asshole! It’s all over!

REDSHIRT #1

Wait! Let’s try to kill the Seekers by shooting our 18th century flintlock rifles at their bulletproof vehicles!

REDSHIRT #2

That didn’t work! It’s all over!

REDSHIRT #1

Hold on! I have one last plan to escape! All we have to do is

(suicides them both)

MAX slinks away in another truck which is COMPLETELY FUCKING IDENTICAL to the REDSHIRT’s truck. Somehow, DIANE is the ONLY SEEKER to notice and tracks them down.

DIANE KRUGER

Stop! Or I’ll shoot you with my... hey, why don’t I have a gun?

MAX IRONS

Because your species are a bunch of wussy pacifists with a chrome fetish. I also assume it's because you don't want to damage potential hosts.

DIANE KRUGER

But we have healing spray. Shooting you in the leg to stop you then healing it later makes perfect sense.

MAX IRONS

You are overlooking the "wussy pacifists" part.

DIANE KRUGER

Right. So why aren’t you shooting me in the head right now then?

MAX IRONS

Because I... dropped my gun and didn’t bother to pick it up?

DIANE KRUGER

Then allow me!

DIANE gets his gun and shoots at him, but accidentally kills her SEEKER PARTNER instead. MAX escapes because helicopters can’t see you once you LEAVE FRAME.

OTHER SEEKERS

(devastated)

Oh no! One of our Seeker brothers is dead! This has completely demoralized us! Seeking humans, which is our ONLY job description mind you, isn’t worth it if it means one of US might die! Cease all operations to seek humans right this instant!

(is useless)

DIANE KRUGER

Look, I know I harped on this earlier, but exactly how the goddamn fuck did we manage to conquer the entire human race when we’re about as threatening as a 4 year old on a sugar high? I guess I’ll just have to hunt down all the humans myself!

INT. FARMING CAVE

ALIEN SAOIRSE is still being held prisoner in her DOORLESS PRISON CELL under the watchful eye of exactly NOBODY. WILLIAM approaches.

ALIEN SAOIRSE

So I assume it's only a matter of time before you guys take the fight to the Seekers in a series of surprise guerrilla attacks in order to take back your planet?

WILLIAM HURT

You hush with your devil plot-advancing talk! There will be NONE OF THAT HERE, young lady! Now let me show you how our underground operation works in intimate detail.

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Wow, you are putting a lot of faith in me not being a double-crossing Seeker biotch.

WILLIAM HURT

I know. Now take this sharp sickle you could use to kill humans and escape with and go harvest some of that there wheat.

She DOES and notices JAKE tonguing her with his EYES. So naturally this means...

JAKE ABEL

We’re in love now!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Oh for fuck’s sake, YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL ME 15 MINUTES AGO!

JAKE ABEL

Well my boner convinced me otherwise!

MAX IRONS

So now we’re in love with two different girls trapped in the same body? Does that mean we’re going to, like, share her?

That is EXACTLY what that means. UGH.

SAOIRSE actually has a problem with this, but a few SLOPPY MAX KISSES clears that right up!

SAOIRSE’S LITTLE BRO

OMG enough of this bullshit!

(fatally cuts self to move the plot along)

SAOIRSE RONAN (V.O.)

Oh no! He’s dying! We need to get some of those magical alien spray bottles to cure him!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

But that’s super dangerous! It’s not like I can just go to the nearest hospital and walk right out with a shitload of medicine spilling out of my arms!

Actually, it is EXACTLY like that! LITTLE BRO is saved!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Oh. Well. I guess "suspense" or "sense of danger" can just go fuck themselves.

DIANE eventually finds the FARMING CAVE but is instantly CAPTURED, proving once again how BRAIN-SHITTINGLY EASY these aliens are to beat.

DIANE KRUGER

I’ll never become a dirty punk-ass traitor like you, Alien Saoirse! You’re going to have to kill me!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

I guess now would be a good time to tell everyone I know how to remove the jellyfish Souls from a human host without killing either of them.

EVERYBODY

YOU WHAT?!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Dick move, I know, but I needed one of these chrome Tupperware things I got when I was at the hospital in order to do it.

WILLIAM HURT

But all this time we had been killing body snatched people while trying to remove the Souls ourselves! You could have saved a dozen lives if you had told us this earlier!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

No use crying over spilled milk. But I will only show you how to do this on the condition that when you take me out of Saoirse you let me die, because what good is the heroine of a YA sci-fi adaptation if she doesn’t threaten suicide at least once?

They remove the ALIEN SOUL from DIANE and she’s okay!

ALIEN SAOIRSE

Now, to put the Soul in this little rocket ship and send it to another planet via this alien transport grid thingy which is out in the open and completely unguarded.

MAX IRONS

You mean the same transport grid the alien Souls ARRIVE on? Why the hell haven’t we blown this thing to shit yet?

JAKE ABEL

Well, that's because [REDACTED]

Then they remove ALIEN SAOIRSE from SAOIRSE and the SOUL goes to SLEEP and wakes up inside EMILY BROWNING!

EMILY BROWNING

Say whaaaat?

SAOIRSE RONAN

We just so happened to find a body that was going to die if we didn’t put you inside of her!

JAKE ABEL

And she just so happened to be a young girl my age so we can still date!

EMILY BROWNING

But even if they put my Soul in an old or overweight girl, or a guy even, but with the same personality inside, you’d still love me, right Jake?

JAKE ABEL

Uh... let’s say sure!

EXT. LOS ANGELES - NIGHT

SAOIRSE, MAX, JAKE and EMILY are going out on a DOUBLE DATE when they are pulled over by a SEEKER COP.

SEEKER COP

Do you know why I stopped you?

MAX IRONS

Because we’re all wearing sunglasses at night?

SEEKER COP

Bingo. Do you guys REALLY think that fools us? Hey Emily, you’re an alien like me, what are you doing with these clowns?

EMILY BROWNING

I switched sides.

ALIEN COP

Me too! Here’s my human friend, Bokeem!

BOKEEM WOODBINE

We thought we were the only human survivors but you guys are the fourth group of rebels we’ve found.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Excellent! That means Act 3 must be about the human resistance finally getting off there collective asses and joining forces with the rebel aliens and driving out the Seekers in what is sure to be an exciting finale that will make up for all the boring nonsensical cliched angst bullshit the audience has had to slog through up to now and surely won’t end abruptly without even the slightest shred of a resolution set to a shitty rock song--

END!