FADE IN:

EXT. AUSTRALIA OZ

The MUNCHKINS have learned that the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST is dead!

MUNCHKINS

Oh thank heavens! She was truly a monster.

ARIANA GRANDE

But that's not all! For this movie, we've done the impossible. Our two main leads are... wait for it... actual talented singers!

A NUCLEAR BOMB of CELEBRATION erupts.

MUNCHKINS

(to the tune of "No One Mourns The Wicked")

Fans don't want the average!

Fans don't love a perfect C!

Fans don't cheer for singing passably!

There's no need for average

Find some actors who can sing

They exist, it's not the hardest thing!

ARIANA GRANDE

And goodness knows we've heard enough of average

In these shows, "just average" equals "crap"

Goodness knows, choosing average gets you nothing

More than Cats!

MUNCHKIN GIRL

Hang on, weren't you friends with the Wicked Witch? Explain yourself, knockoff Elle Woods!

ARIANA GRANDE

Oh, I will. In fact, I will explain myself in over four hours, even though the musical itself was only two hours and 45 minutes!

MUNCHKINS

UUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

EXT. THE MAGICAL UNIVERSITY OF OZ, A.K.A. SHIZ

MICHELLE YEOH

Yes, our founder was Snoop Dogg. Welcome everyone! My name is Madame Morrible. It sounds a lot like Madame Horrible, which might indicate I am a villain, but never mind that.

Enter MARISSA BODE, and her sister, CYNTHIA ERIVO, who is GREEN.

BOWEN YANG

Eww, green?! You know what that means? She'll fuck up our group chats! Shun her immediately!

CYNTHIA ERIVO

That's right, bitch, Android for life!

(pause)

No, seriously, I am the product of my mother's affair with some random dude. They went a little too heavy on the crème de menthe and I turned out green. My father was enraged. When my mother was pregnant with my little sister, he forced her to drink RumChata, hoping the baby would come out not green, but all it did was make her disabled.

MARISSA BODE

After I was born, our father became a recluse, ranting about how unfair it all was. He kept talking about the "red pill" and bought a ton of podcast equipment. Anyway, we're not that close anymore.

BOWEN YANG

Don't care, you two are still weird and we will continue to treat you as such!

MICHELLE YEOH

No! I have noticed Cynthia's gifts, and I will now take her under my wing. This will cause Ariana to turn into a jealous rage!

ARIANA GRANDE

Actually, I'll just become a pathetic suck-up.

Enter PROFESSOR GOAT PETER DINKLAGE.

GOAT PETER DINKLAGE

Welcome to your first class! Please know that GOAT isn't a cheeky slang term, I'm a literal goat-man in this movie. I must speak about how animals in Oz are being subjugated and losing our ability to speak.

CYNTHIA ERIVO

The fuck? We have talking animals and I'M the weird one? Whatever. I feel for you, fellow oppressed person. I will make it my mission to visit the Wizard of Oz. He can surely help! After all, he was introduced to the public by Oprah and has many self-help books!

GOAT PETER DINKLAGE

I think you mean the charlatan, Dr. Oz.

CYNTHIA ERIVO

Same difference.

INT. FO SHIZZLE MAH DIZZLE UNIVERSITY

The students prepare for the great ball. Enter handsome stud JONATHAN BAILEY.

JONATHAN BAILEY

Listen up, fives, a 10 is speaking! Not that you can see my face while I'm backlit against these giant windows. Can we put up some filtering curtains in here or something?

(to the tune of "Dancing Through Life")

Bursting with light!

Hurting your vision!

That's how this scene's produced!

Such a distraction, this diffraction

Just like my overwhelming cuteness!

I'm not that bright

I'm not that useful

Kind of a douche, but why should I care?

I'm a fuckboy

But ladies love a fuckboy

Especially...

(head swoosh)

...one who has this hair!

EVERY GIRL IN SCHOOL

(immediately rewrites the lead males in their draft romantasy novels to look like him)

ARIANA GRANDE

It's decided. This man is my true love and I will make him my husband. I just have to get this drooling pest off my back.

DROOLING PEST ETHAN SLATER

(farting hearts)

I love you, Ariana! What could I do to make you love me?

ARIANA GRANDE

How about you take Marissa to the ball? That's right, being with another woman will make me love you!

Apparently, this works in real life.

MICHELLE YEOH

Listen, Miss Grande Latte. You are the most suck-ass witch of all time. However, you did a nice thing for Cynthia's sister, so she asked me to include you in my special training.

ARIANA GRANDE

She did? Oh wow, this makes me want to stop being a petty jerk. But oh no, I gave her a hideous black hat that would embarrass her in public!

(waving wand)

Recindio petty-jerkio!

This fails. CYNTHIA blasts EVANESCENCE and arrives like a GOTH ICON.

BOWEN YANG

Bahahah! An alt girl with thick eyeliner and a studded belt. LOSERRRR!

CYTHIA ERIVO

Some of you have cream cheese for hair but I'm STILL the WEIRD ONE?! Fuck this! I will now show that I am not a fool, so I'll engage in interpretive dance!

ARIANA GRANDE

You're still a fool, but I will join you in foolishness. We are best friends forever on!

BOWEN YANG

Yay! Also, we like Cynthia now!

INT. ARIANA AND CYNTHIA'S DORM ROOM

ARIANA carefully appraises CYNTHIA.

ARIANA GRANDE

You're my new project. I will teach you my ways!

CYNTHIA ERIVO

What ways are those? Being conventionally pretty and flesh-toned?

ARIANA GRANDE

Oh, honey, I'm training to be a witch, not a miracle worker. But there is one thing I can teach you: how to communicate effortlessly in whatever way others find pleasing at any given moment.

CYNTHIA ERIVO

Oh, you mean like those rounds of vocal impressions you do on every comedy show?

ARIANA GRANDE

Exactly!

(to the tune of "Popular")

My voice is so modular!

So perfectly modular!

Yes, whether legit or belt

I can make you melt!

Name a style that I can't do!

(switches)

Do you want Janis Joplin's yell?

(switches)

Soulful like Adele?

(switches)

Or my own seductive coo?

(back to first voice)

I'm so modular!

And you can be modular!

In Oz, people only cheer

What they want to hear

You can get along just fine

That's assuming you've rehearsed all the proper lines!

INT. DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLASS

The OZTAPO comes to forcibly remove PROFESSOR DINKLAGE!

PROFESSOR DINKLAGE

Surely they must take orders from someone at the top. I wonder who it could be?!

They take PETER away and show off their new cages for baby LION CUBS. In her rage, CYNTHIA accidentally uses POPPIES to put everyone to sleep.

JONATHAN BAILEY

Now that you've drugged everyone with heroin, it's time to take this poor lion cub to safety. Maybe leave everyone a brochure for Oz's rehab clinic as well. Gosh, these meaningful tasks have me feeling things for you!

CYNTHIA ERIVO

(freeing lion cub)

Here you go, little guy. I know you've been traumatized by this whole endeavor, but hopefully you will blame the right people and not me, the one who freed you.

INT. MGM GRAND LAS VEGAS EMERALD CITY

MICHELLE tells CYNTHIA that the Wizard want's to meet her. They board a train when ARIANA shows up.

MICHELLE YEOH

Oh. Right. You. I guess you can come. We'll need someone to clean the toilets.

ARIANA GRANDE

How you get away with treating a student like this is beyond me.

Upon their ARRIVAL, the TOWNSFOLK are about to burst into song about how wonderful the WIZARD is.

ADELE DAZEEM

Welcome, everyone! We have a new song, "One Short Day." It's only here to showcase Kristen and I, the original Elphaba and Glinda, but honestly, I don't know that anyone will remember it so let's skip it.

KRISTEN CHENOWETH

Besides, the best song is coming up soon! Now get your asses to the wizard. If you need us, we'll be here worshiping our cult leader despite never meeting him!

ARIANA GRANDE

Wow, these people sure sound... impressionable. Seems like someone with a hint of charisma could easily rule over them.

MICHELLE YEOH

Exactly.

They meet the WIZARD OF RIZZ himself, JEFF GOLDBLUM!

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Oh. Hi. Hello there. Uh. Yes.

INTERNET

(loves him forever <3)

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Come! I need help with my remodel of Oz. What color should the roads be? And dont bother with that other red road in Munchkinland. We ignore that one.

ARIANA GRANDE

I hereby claim that the iconic road we all know and love should be yellow, because it's nice or something!

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Maybe Michelle was right about you...

CYNTHIA ERIVO

Your Rizzardness, I wish for you to help the animals.

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Sure thing! Hey, would you like to read something for me? It's a spell book shaped like an hourglass. Because every single thing needs to be a callback to the original Wizard of Oz movie.

MICHELLE YEOH

This spell book has a lost language. It's taken ages for well-trained witches like me to even decipher a word of it.

CYNTHIA ERIVO

So naturally I can read the whole things with no training, yadda yadda.

Suddenly, the MONKEY GUARDS sprout wings, painfully!

MICHELLE YEOH

Our plan worked! I told you the book would open and she'd immediately read from it!

CYNTHIA ERIVO

You both tricked me! You're responsible for the pain and suffering of the animals in Oz. You needed me to cast the spell because I'm magical and you're not!

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Fraud, uh, finds a way.

CYNTHIA and ARIANA flee from the flying monkeys sent after them, just in time for MICHELLE to make an announcement.

MICHELLE YEOH

(reading from her personal burn book)

My fellow Ozians. Cynthia is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.

(pause)

Also, pay no attention to the angry flying monkeys chasing after her and Ariana at this moment.

BOWEN YANG

BOOOO! We hate Cynthia again!

INT. A HIGH TOWER SOMEWHERE

CYNTHIA and ARIANA flee the MONKEYS.

ARIANA GRANDE

We need a plan. I know! I'll do what I seem to do best: suck up to power. Will that be your plan too?

CYNTHIA ERIVO

Not quite. I think we've all done enough of that, especially for people who can't back up any of that power. Unlike me.

(to the tune of "Defying Gravity")

What made me think that Goldblum

Would be a stand-up guy?

A new complexion isn't

Worth a lifetime built on lies!

Too bad for him that I learned

My powers from Michelle

She gave me skills to make

Their land a living hell!

So fuck this noise!

Now I've got sorcery!

Don't need them boys

When I've got sorcery!

And I'ma take the bastards down!

And no amount of quirk or cheer

Will ever put you in the clear

No, I am gonna take...

YOOOOOU-OOOOU...

DOOOOOOOOOWN!

JEFF/MICHELLE

Ignore her! She's lying! Fake news!

CYNTHIA ERIVO

Take you DOOOOOOOOOWN!

JEFF/MICHELLE

Don't forget her emails!

We've just got to take her...

CYNTHIA ERIVO

(universe-shattering C-sharp belt that's just as awesome with the ad lib as without so PLEASE, Broadway nerds, get over yourselves)

MICHELLE YEOH

...Well, we're never gonna outshine that. As you were.

END