FADE IN:

INT. OPENING INFODUMP

We open with a GRAPHIC SEQUENCE that was cut from the last DAN BROWN ADAPTATION.

JOELY RICHARDSON

(voiceover)

So, war in heaven, 60 percent of the angels chose God and stayed angels, another 30 percent chose Satan and got lit in hell for all eternity, and the last 10 percent didn't choose right away and ended up on Earth. Most of them have chosen since then, but they can't go to heaven OR hell because of one holdout angel who instead chose...

(pauses)

Love?! Who's been screwing with these notes? Anyway, the holdout angel has upset the balance of the thing, and that's how the world works for this story. Now we'll introduce our protagonist to every other named character one at a time, and then I'll repeat this infodump almost verbatim, making this movie take longer to set up than most Ikea bookcases.

INT. COMBINATION JUVENILE HALL/ASYLUM

ADDISON TIMLIN arrives and meets with DR. ELLIOT LEVEY.

DR. ELLIOT LEVEY

Addison, you have two choices: Take antipsychotic medication to get over the hallucinations and paranoia that brought you here, thereby allowing you to go home and attend regular school, or not that.

ADDISON TIMLIN

I choose not that.

(actual line)

I'd rather be me than pretend to be something I'm not just to fit in.

DR. ELLIOT LEVEY

I'm sorry, are you trying to frame avoiding prescribed medication for a mental illness as an act of righteous anti-conformity?

ADDISON TIMLIN

Sure am.

DR. ELLIOT LEVEY

...You know what? It's WAY too early in this movie for a shit-blistering rant about terrible messaging. Go meet the rest of the inmates while I medicate myself.

(takes out bottle of Beam)

ADDISON exits and meets JOELY.

JOELY RICHARDSON

Oh, hello! You must be the new Black Hole Sue. I'm the kindly authority figure who knows more than they let on.

ADDISON TIMLIN

Nice to meet you. I'm here to pick up some textbooks and identify the movie's official brooding hottie.

JOELY RICHARDSON

He's in the next room. But before you go find him...

(most obvious literary reference possible)

(you get three guesses and the first two don't count)

ADDISON finds JEREMY IRVINE in the next room.

ADDISON TIMLIN

Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Perhaps in some brief flashbacks of the two of us in period dress that I get whenever we're near each other?

JEREMY IRVINE

You're drawn to me because I'm hot and I avoid you because you look and sound like narcolepsy and THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.

(leaves immediately)

ADDISON TIMLIN

(calls after him)

If you were trying not to inflame my curiosity, that was pretty much the worst way to do it!

She next meets LOLA KIRKE.

LOLA KIRKE

Hi, I'm--

ADDISON TIMLIN

My only friend.

LOLA KIRKE

That's right! And

(actual line)

you're the new girl and you're smart and you're pretty, so I'm guessing you're going to be the center of a lot of attention, both positive and negative.

(/actual line)

So what brings you here? Are you on the petty delinquency track, or the not-criminally-responsible track?

ADDISON TIMLIN

I'm here because I hallucinated some shadow monsters while I was making out with a boy and then he spontaneously combusted.

LOLA KIRKE

...

(bursts out laughing)

ADDISON TIMLIN

What's so funny about that?

LOLA KIRKE

(buck-snorts)

He spontaneously combusted?! Did your boyfriend before him die in a bizarre gardening accident?

ADDISON TIMLIN

It really happened! That guy DIED!

LOLA KIRKE

Did your grandma choke on vomit of unknown origin?

ADDISON TIMLIN

SHUT! UP!

LOLA KIRKE

Did your cat fail to jump over a shark tank on a tricycle?

ADDISON TIMLIN

UGH! Forget it!

She storms off while LOLA endures an attack of STOMACH-CLUTCHING MIRTH.

EXT. WOODS

ADDISON and LOLA go to a BONFIRE PARTY.

LOLA KIRKE

Hey, Addison, I realize you don't really know anyone beyond the two-word stock character description they all got earlier, but would you mind standing here and listening to me and this awkward dork talk about fictional bands?

ADDISON TIMLIN

Nah, I'll just go over here and--

HARRISON GILBERTSON

I want sex you.

SIANOA SMIT-MCPHEE

I keel you.

HARRISON GILBERTSON

You no keel her.

JEREMY IRVINE

You no save or sex her.

MALACHI KIRBY

You all no stop party.

DAISY HEAD/HERMIONE CORFIELD

We here too.

ADDISON TIMLIN

Jesus, slow down! This is your idea of pacing? Half an hour of set-up and 30 seconds of action? I have no idea what's motivating any of you to pay attention to me, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel about any of what just happened. I'm gonna go.

LOLA KIRKE

Want me to accompany you through the dark, foggy, unfamiliar woods seconds after Sianoa literally tried to burn you to death?

ADDISON TIMLIN

No, it's cool. I'm sure it won't get worse than that.

She heads off and is attacked by SHADOW MONSTERS.

SHADOW MONSTERS

HELLO CAN WE INTEREST YOU IN A FREE TRIAL OF AMC PREMIERE BY WHICH WE MEAN ADDISON'S MEMORY CLASSICS

They show her a FLASHBACK of her EX getting BURNINATED.

ADDISON TIMLIN

What, you think I'd forget that? Make yourselves useful and show me more of Past Jeremy.

SHADOW MONSTERS

NO PROBLEM WE OFFER SEVEN FREE DAYS THROUGH YOUR TV PROVIDER THEN $4.99 A MONTH CANCEL ANYTIME

ADDISON TIMLIN

You lost me at "through your TV provider."

EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS

ADDISON confronts JEREMY.

ADDISON TIMLIN

Look, I've had enough of this. Tell me why you look so familiar. And don't you DARE tell me I'm hallucinating, or that there are a lot of people in the world and it's not so hard to believe that one guy may look a lot like another guy, or any other explanation that might be more reasonable than the real one.

JEREMY IRVINE

(sighs)

So it's like this: I have this friend, all right? We'll call him Laramie. He's lived for thousands of years, and every 17th year, he falls in love with a girl called, let's say, Allison, who is also a pale brunette with only one facial expression. And as soon as Laramie kisses Allison, she dies in a fire. He's done everything he can think of not to meet the next version of Allison, but he keeps getting his heart stomped on over and over and over again. And this keeps happening because Satan himself doesn't like how much more Laramie loves Allison than him. And Allison never does anything about it because she's a stupid female.

ADDISON TIMLIN

Okay. So your "friend" is cursed to keep loving someone who just so happens to look like me.

JEREMY IRVINE

Yes.

ADDISON TIMLIN

And this has been happening for thousands of years, such that they might have ended up in scenarios that line up with my flashbacks.

JEREMY IRVINE

Yes.

ADDISON TIMLIN

And also some shit about the Devil, the only subject of study at this school we both attend.

JEREMY IRVINE

Yes.

ADDISON TIMLIN

You understand why I think this is about you and me, right?

JEREMY IRVINE

No. Stupid female.

INT. LOLA AND THE AWKWARD DORK DIE IN THIS ACT BUT HONESTLY WHO CARES I'M TIRED

HARRISON drives ADDISON around on his MOTORBIKE. Suddenly JEREMY accosts them.

JEREMY IRVINE

How dare you take Addison out to have fun?

HARRISON GILBERTSON

I'm being nice to her without playing any mind games!

JEREMY IRVINE

But I saved her from being crushed by a large heavy object after we first met!

HARRISON GILBERTSON

Well, I have a motorbike!

ADDISON TIMLIN

Look, I think they get--

JEREMY IRVINE

(shoves him)

I decide who she gets to see, because I have no choice but to love her for all eternity!

ADDISON TIMLIN

This is a YA paranormal--

HARRISON GILBERTSON

(shoves him back)

And I have no choice but to keep her away from you because of some supernatural law she doesn't know!

ADDISON TIMLIN

They ALL copy Twi--

JEREMY IRVINE

(shucks off his jacket)

The author prefers me!

HARRISON GILBERTSON

(bashes his fist into his palm)

The viewers prefer ME!

JEREMY IRVINE

(gets into fighting stance)

HALF the viewers!

HARRISON GILBERTSON

(gets into fighting stance)

Because I seem objectively BETTER!

ADDISON TIMLIN

Guys, seriously, you've made your--

JEREMY IRVINE

YOU'RE A BAD ANGEL WHO WORKS FOR SATAN AND YOU'LL CAPTURE HER!

HARRISON GILBERTSON

YOU'RE THE HOLDOUT ANGEL WHO UPSET THE BALANCE OF THE THING AND SHE'LL DIE BECAUSE OF YOU!

They grow wings made of SARAN WRAP and ALUMINUM FRAMING SALVAGED FROM DISCARDED PATIO UMBRELLAS and begin punching each other in MIDAIR.

ADDISON TIMLIN

You know, I remember watching someone literally sob in agony after I explained to him that someone wrote a story about a girl choosing between a vampire boyfriend and a werewolf boyfriend. And I thought that was rock bottom. What a fool I was.

JOELY RICHARDSON

(casually enters the frame)

Ah-HA! It is I, the innocent-seeming, deathly pale, tight-bunned blonde who's the real evil here! Now the current version of you must die, and since you weren't baptized in this life, you will DIE FOREVER!

ADDISON TIMLIN

Why would you want me to do that?

JOELY RICHARDSON

Because getting his heart curb-stomped for thousands of years hasn't been enough to force Jeremy to choose God, but once you're out of the way for good, he'll have no choice! And then balance will be restored to the thing AT LAST!

ADDISON TIMLIN

That doesn't answer my question: Why would YOU want this?

JOELY RICHARDSON

That's the main goal of the radical angel extremist group I lead!

ADDISON TIMLIN

...

(bursts out laughing)

JOELY RICHARDSON

(annoyed)

Stop it.

ADDISON TIMLIN

(doubling over)

Radical angel extremists?! So what do you call yourselves? Al-Skyda? Halo Haram?

JOELY RICHARDSON

We're actually VERY scary.

ADDISON TIMLIN

I sure hope the U.S. military doesn't invade heaven to seize control of your clouds!

JOELY RICHARDSON

You'd best take us seriously!

ADDISON TIMLIN

Oh, yeah, I will! Just gotta update the DHS terror alert to threat level white!

JOELY RICHARDSON

AWAY WITH YOU!

But the SHADOW MONSTERS eat her before she can do anything.

ADDISON TIMLIN

That was a pretty big favor. Why are these things on my side after burninating my ex, wasting my time with a bad free trial offer, and then burninating my BFF's crush who I only met twice?

JEREMY IRVINE

(flying her away)

No time to explain. You'll have to wait for the sequel.

ADDISON TIMLIN

But why did you let Harrison go after he sold out Joely?

JEREMY IRVINE

You'll find out in the sequel.

ADDISON TIMLIN

But why did Hermione and Daisy just run in as if they matter?

JEREMY IRVINE

Nope. On to the sequel.

ADDISON TIMLIN

But WHERE ARE WE GOING?!

JEREMY IRVINE

Sequel.

SEQUEL

(never gets written despite producer's pleas)

ADDISON TIMLIN

Oh, just tell them.

JEREMY IRVINE

The series ends with you choosing an angel boyfriend over a different boyfriend who is literally Satan.

ADDISON TIMLIN

This subgenre can go fuck itself.

END