FADE IN:

EXT. A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY BUT STILL KINDA MOSTLY EMPIRE

PEDRO PASCAL and BABY YODA GROGU now work for the NEW REPUBLIC, hunting IMPERIAL WARLORDS from a physical DECK OF SIDE MISSIONS.

PEDRO blasts and fistfights his way to SOME GUY, kills him, then opens the film with the silliest looking mountain descent ever rendered.

INT. NEW REPUBLIC BASE

SIGOURNEY WEAVER hands PEDRO a printed target card.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

You keep killing all the guys we want to question, if only we had a way of specifying whether we needed them dead or alive but that's just not a thing with bounties. We need you to find Imperial warlord Commander Coyne next. Here’s his profile.

PEDRO PASCAL

There's no picture here. It's just a default avatar with the name you already told me. Which is just a last name.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Right, we don’t know what he looks like.

PEDRO PASCAL

Then why print it?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Because telling a bounty hunter to literally find a guy named "Coin" seemed too stupid even for a Star Wars so we were hoping to distract everyone with this not-Pazaak deck. Listen, the Hutts know where he is, but they’ll only talk if you rescue Jabba’s son, Jeremy Allen White.

PEDRO PASCAL

Isn't he the little sluglet from that godawful Clone Wars movie that didn't even get a proper Abridged Script? Is the Hutt that talks like Truman Capote in this one?

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

No, Jeremy is sought after by the "Hutt Twins" who I guess are siblings but they keep sliming up on each other and sleeping in permanent sixty-nine position so there's some Lannister shit at play here, let's not dwell on it.

PEDRO PASCAL

So your mission is Coyne. The thing that's padding out the runtime of this errand is Jeremy. Got it.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Also here’s a new Razor Crest, we felt bad that yours blew up by which I mean we were annoyed nobody was buying Razor Crest merch because yours blew up.

INT. HUTT PALACE - NAL HUTTA

PEDRO walks in to speak with THE HUTT TWINS. Oh shit, Grogu is there too, it's easy to keep forgetting about the second titular character. He's DEFINITELY in this, please buy GROGU STUFF, it's the only reason this got made.

HUTT TWIN ONE

Leah cape koochoo.

(translation: "Bring us our nephew, Jeremy Allen White")

HUTT TWIN TWO

(English inconsistently)

He's on Shakari with Lord Jonny Coyne, that's the actual name of the actor whose Star Wars character is "Janu Coin", but if you see him please don't ask him his full name at any point because that really fucks with our scheming.

PEDRO PASCAL

Alright, cool. Glad I bothered to fly all the way over here just to get information I already knew. See you again when the next episode of the season that got turned into this movie starts.

EXT. SHAKARI GLADIATOR ARENA - DON'T COMPARE THIS TO RAGNAROK

PEDRO finds JEREMY ALLEN WHITE, now a muscular fighting slug.

PEDRO PASCAL

Ooh boy, Disney is clearly hoping to awaken some Thanos-esque weird horny shit with you, huh? Anyway, I'm here to free you.

CGI JEREMY ALLEN WHITE

I do not wish to leave, I fight to escape my father’s shadow. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be the son of the famously feared Jabba the Hutt?

PEDRO PASCAL

Jabba the Hutt, as in the bedbound sex criminal strangled to death by a hostage he put in beachwear?

CGI JEREMY ALLEN WHITE

That's the one. I must make my own way. I've got one last fight and then I'm out of my contract with Lord Jonny. After that I'm free to pursue voice acting without sounding like I just got hit with a dose of horse tranquilizer.

PEDRO follows his traditional problem-solving approach of talking to whichever character the one he last talked to mentioned until one of them asks him to kill a creature. To reach JONNY, PEDRO first has a fist-and-blaster FIGHT identical to previous one while GROGU jumps around pointlessly.

LORD JONNY COYNE

Hello stranger. You bested my guards, so please come to my office and accept a gift of salt, I gathered it from the tears of Star Wars fans who still can't get over these movies having women and black people.

PEDRO PASCAL

No thanks. I'm here to offer you money to let Jeremy out of his contract early so I can return him to his aunt and uncle, I'm sure this is as much as you're making on the fight even though he's on TV and super famous.

LORD JONNY COYNE

Why are you offering to pay so much to get him out of one last fight? It's literally tomorrow and you're not under any time pressure, you could just do it a day later.

PEDRO PASCAL

Uh... well... I guess just in case you plan on killing him, but more than usual?

LORD JONNY COYNE

Damn, that's exactly what I was planning on doing, lucky guess. I always kill my gladiators in the last match of their contract. Say, you have any interest in being my next gladiator?

PEDRO PASCAL

No?

LORD JONNY COYNE

Then forget I revealed my whole thing to you for some reason. Please accept as a bribe this gift of salt that you rejected earlier as having no value to you.

PEDRO warns JEREMY, who refuses to believe the death-arena owner might be shady, and PEDRO gets tossed into the ring as the JOHN-WILLIAMS-INSPIRED SCORE swells to an epic NONEXISTENCE.

CGI JEREMY ALLEN WHITE

I’ll prove I’m more than Jabba’s son, and not just by being made of CGI that looks marginally better than his did in 1997, or when they had a do-over in 2011!

PEDRO PASCAL

You can stand and chew at the same time so, done. Now let's fight and then team-up!

PEDRO beats JEREMY but refuses to kill him, so JONNY releases the only thing from the ORIGINAL TRILOGY that DISNEY hasn't strip-mined yet: all the monsters from CHEWBACCA'S CHESS GAME, remember that?

GROGU

(uses force)

PEDRO PASCAL

Great work kid, not sure how a soup bowl gave you trouble earlier but let's not try to figure out your power level!

JEREMY breaks the arena controls and escapes. STEVE BLUM from STAR WARS: REBELS shows up.

PEDRO PASCAL

Dave Filoni, no!

DAVE FILONI

Dave Filoni, yes! Disney has entrusted me with the franchise and that means every one of my stupid cartoon fanfic characters is coming back.

CGI STEVE BLUM

Hey Pedro. Need anything?

PEDRO PASCAL

One live-action Star Wars thing that isn’t a roll call from cartoons adults watch in shame?

CGI STEVE BLUM

Can't help ya, pal. Hop aboard your ship that I pilot when you're not piloting it, this really seems like a job for a droid.

They go to LORD JONNY COYNE'S TOP SECRET IMPERIAL HIDEOUT.

LORD JONNY COYNE

Blast and damn, how'd you find me?

PEDRO PASCAL

The gladiator you tried to kill told me your name.

LORD JONNY COYNE

Curses, not my name - the achilles heel of my double life! That's almost as dumb as hiding a baby from his father by giving him to his uncle at his grandmother's home!

They ESCAPE with JONNY, but are chased by STORMTROOPERS. The only way they'll survive is if GROGU can successfully start the RAZOR CREST before they arrive, but he can't and fires missiles instead but it DOESN'T MATTER and they SURVIVE ANYWAY.

PEDRO PASCAL

I probably should have told him which button to press by describing where it was rather than tell him the functions of all the other buttons, which he also doesn't know.

GROGU

(is useless)

INT. NEW REPUBLIC BASE

PEDRO walks JONNY in past a bunch of REBELS and a cameo with DAVE FILONI who has decided to go ABSOLUTELY ALL-IN on the COWBOY HAT thing.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

You were supposed to bring Jeremy Allen White.

PEDRO PASCAL

No I wasn't. The Hutts wanted him. You wanted Coyne, remember? Why are you acting like this wasn't the mission? You handed me a card when I accepted the quest, we had a lengthy exchange about how silly it was.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Well the Hutts won’t like it, and we want to stay on good terms with the Hutts, a claim that will make no sense if a whole New Republic battalion ever shows up to lay waste to their entire village later.

PEDRO PASCAL

Uh huh. Hurry up and pay me, this episode is over and the next one is auto-playing after this ad from Disney+.

DISNEY+

Hey kids! Do you like Mandalorian and Grogu? Do you like action figures and playsets? Kids? Hello?

(pause)

Uh, buddy, can you put your tablet down for just a sec? No, Disney needs you to take your headphones off so you can hear. Buddy?

(pause)

Say, it's a nice day out, maybe you want to go outside and toss around the ol' Mandalorian and Grogu football for a bit with your old man?

(pause)

Son, listen. Your Hulu+ and I are getting a divorce.

EXT. NEVARRO

ANZELLANS modify the RAZOR CREST to be more MARKETABLE.

ANZELLANS are what BABU FRIKS are called in case you don’t know because you get invited to dinner parties.

BABU FRIK is the little repair guy from RISE OF SKYWALKER, in case you don’t know because people actually care if you come to their dinner parties.

RISE OF SKYWALKER was the one from 2019, in case you don’t know because you are capable of hosting dinner parties.

GROGU

(coos like whatever producer's baby was closest to the microphone)

PEDRO PASCAL

Oh right, Grogu. Want to eat some food? That seems to be your only defining characteristic and we're just leaning all the way into it.

CGI JEREMY ALLEN WHITE

Thank you for not turning me in to my aunt and uncle, they want to kill me and inherit the throne, which I'm pretty sure a guy that looks EXACTLY like you already took over, but maybe we're ignoring that since nobody liked it.

PEDRO PASCAL

Happy to do the right thing. Once I learned that doing so didn't in any way jeopardize getting what I wanted, that is.

JEREMY fucks off, but EMBO THE BOUNTY HUNTER captures PEDRO to take him back to HUTTS.

DAVE FILONI

Don't bother Googling it, yes this is another one of my dumbass cartoon characters. This is what Star Wars is now, deal with it.

PEDRO PASCAL

Oh no, I’m being taken to Nal Hutta! What a fun opportunity to focus on Grogu as the main lead attempting to find a way to travel to my prison despite being unable to speak or fly. That's a genuinely interesting setup for a movie!

ANZELLANS

Don't worry, we heard it too! We have a ship, and can fly it!

PEDRO PASCAL

And goodbye, genuinely interesting setup.

(abducted)

GROGU

(is adorable)

(eats a bug or something)

EXT. HUTT PALACE - NAL HUTTA

THE HUTTS have JEREMY anyway, so most of the story has been MEANINGLESS.

HUTT TWIN TWO

Mo killee ma ka nunkee!

(translation: "Behold, your great failure to protect this buff slug you just met!")

HUTT TWIN ONE

We’ll torture him for centuries! And when we're done, we'll eat Grogu! Bwa-ha-ha let's make out, brother!

PEDRO PASCAL

Hutts really make being the go-to punchline in a comment section for any video of a fat person everybody else’s problem, don't they?

They remove PEDRO’S helmet.

HUTT TWIN ONE

Ew. You still have that mustache under there? More like Pedo Pascal amirite?

PEDRO PASCAL

Big mistake. Now I had to show up on set instead of a sound booth fifteen minutes from my house. You will die for this.

THE HUTTS throw him into a DRAGONSNAKE pit. Obviously that's just a sarcastic derisive name for this creature design, the actual Star Warsy name for it according to Wookiepedia is... oh.

PEDRO PASCAL

Oh no, deep water! The one thing my super-heavy armor is weak to that covers 70% of every planet I visit! Perhaps I'll have to doff my ceremonial armor of great personal importance in order to save my li--

THE BABU FRIKS AND GROGU show up to help PEDRO escape, but not before he's bitten slightly rather than SWALLOWED WHOLE in an instant, guess the DRAGONSNAKE can't do that.

PEDRO PASCAL

Grogu, I've been poisoned. You must go on without me. Maybe say your first word to show some growth?

GROGU

(does not)

EXT. WASTEWOOD VERGE

They all wind up in a FOREST that's also a SWAMP even though GOLGARI has fallen out of the meta.

GROGU slows the movie down to a DEGOBAH-ESQUE CRAWL as he cares for an unconscious PEDRO. Luckily the bad guys searched EXACTLY ONCE and missed him so he's safe.

GROGU

(coos adorably)

(eats disgusting things)

(repeat)

CGI STEPHEN MCKINLEY HENDERSON

Look, it's me, Sebulba! Nah just kidding, Filoni didn't create that character or want one that he did create to meet him, so I'm new. Anyway, looks like you got yourself a poisoned protagonist. I made you some antidote but you can't have it until we've spent like 30 minutes here.

(pause)

Okay, here you go. Thanks for this, everyone's favorite part of Andor season 2 was those three episodes of nothing happening in the woods, right?

GROGU gives PEDRO the antidote, and it WORKS!

PEDRO PASCAL

Alright little buddy. We've got two options. End this sucker now and say that our box office met expectations no matter what, or do one more of the exact same fight scene we've done over and over.

GROGU

(endorses violence with cute nods)

PEDRO PASCAL

Slug genocide it is. Let's pilot this conveniently functional ship back to the Hutts to rescue Jeremy! Again!

INT. HUTT PALACE - NAL HUTTA

PEDRO and GROGU break in and fight STOP-MOTION CGI in an attempt to see if anything lands with audiences. EMBO appears.

PEDRO PASCAL

Not so fast, guy whose ship looks exactly like his hat. If you think you can work for these green poop emojis and survive, you're sorely mistaken. Let's fight!

GROGU

(briefly has nothing to do)

(is given a wolf or some shit to fight)

CGI JEREMY ALLEN WHITE

You'll pay for being slightly more gangstery than my father, twins!

Everyone FIGHTS on top of a floor with ZERO STRUCTURAL SUPPORT. EVENTUALLY all of the HUTTS FALL INTO the DRAGONSNAKE PIT.

GROGU

(force-lifts Jeremy)

PEDRO PASCAL

Enough power to lift a bulking Hutt, has to lift leaves and twigs by hand. Whoever is designing your trading card must be having a blast.

The DRAGONSNAKE swallows the HUTTS whole in an instant after all. EMBO escapes. X-WINGS arrive and blow up the palace.

PEDRO PASCAL

You're bombing harder than this movie is - why? The Hutts are already dead. It’s just reprogrammable droids and furniture.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

The New Republic supports due process until the third act needs fireworks, now let's fire a proton torpedo with our extremely well-calibrated targeting computers and get out of here!

DAVE FILONI

Yeeee-haw, another cameo! Favreau wouldn't let me wear my hat but I got a helmet so nobody can see my head. Do I look like Tim Pool under this thing or what's my deal?

INT. NEW REPUBLIC BASE

Everyone heads back to BASE while SIGOURNEY checks STAR WARS off her list and asks MARVEL what role she can phone-in next.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Jonny and the Hutts were working together after all, so we just decided to destroy everything. Fuck it, who's gonna stop us - a clone of the Emperor? Har har har!

CGI JEREMY ALLEN WHITE

I'm joining the New Republic. I will use my cartel experience to help build a new government.

PEDRO PASCAL

That is the most realistic thing in this movie and I hate it.

CGI STEVE BLUM

Welcome, Jeremy. You can hitch a ride on my extremely-too-small-for-you ship until Kylo Ren just blows all of us up later.

PEDRO teaches GROGU to fly the RAZOR CREST.

PEDRO PASCAL

Gentle. Flying takes focus, patience, and inconsistent magic powers calibrated entirely by scene need.

GROGU

(coos)

(launches missiles unhelpfully)

(eats)

PEDRO PASCAL

Right. Another mission complete: found Coyne, saved Jeremy, killed Hutts, bombed property, inserted cartoons, made Scorsese bend the knee to The Mouse for badmouthing us, and all without one iota of character development.

GROGU

(blinks merchandisably)

PEDRO PASCAL

This is the way... to the refurbished Galaxy's Edge theme park in Walt Disney World, now reskinned with stuff people actually like!

END