FADE IN:

INT. WHAT PILE IS THIS?

KIRK CAMERON celebrates CHRISTMAS.

VOICEOVER

'Tis a Christmas Eve do

With Kirk Cameron about,

Plus his ugliest sister,

Since Candace noped out;

All the Sunday school kids

And their moms and their pops;

And even a black guy.

A BLACK GUY

Skip-bippity-bop!

VOICEOVER

But someone's gone missing

From this happy house:

The writer/director

Who plays sister's spouse.

He went out to the car

To escape all this kitsch.

But Kirk just won't have that.

KIRK joins DARREN DOANE.

KIRK CAMERON

Haul ass inside, bitch.

DARREN DOANE

I don't think I will, Kirk.

I'm just not in the mood.

All the money we drop

On the presents and food--

It just isn't especially

Godly to me.

Wouldn't good works and charity

Satisfy He?

KIRK CAMERON

Oh, I see the problem:

You're one of THOSE fools

Who think spending and gorging

Just makes you a tool.

Well, I've been mainlining

Hot chocolate for days!

Does that make ME a tool?

DARREN DOANE

...Do you WANT me to say?

But that's not my only beef

With these traditions:

They all come from pagans

And I'm super-Christian!

KIRK CAMERON

And that makes this better?

It sure doesn't, son!

I'm sick of you Scrooges

Who ruin my fun!

That goes for the woke left

As well as the churched

Who just can't deal with Christmas

And only besmirch.

Just listen to me

And you'll see it all plain.

DARREN DOANE

For the rest of the movie?

Wherefore comes this pain?

EXT. SCHLOCKIN' AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

KIRK and DARREN visualize a TREE LOT.

DARREN DOANE

Okay, fine. Let's start with

The festooned fir tree:

An ancient invention,

From my memory,

Dating back to the Romans

And Saxons and Vikings,

Too polytheistic

For this Christian's liking.

KIRK CAMERON

Yeah, sure, only if

You get facts out of books.

I bid you to give this

A whole different look.

Did the Lord not make trees?

Are those trees not of wood,

A material for which

Large crosses are good?

And while on the subject

Of things God hath made:

He also made winter,

So let that be praised.

DARREN DOANE

That sounds like hot garbage

That you just spat out.

By your logic, God is

What ALL is about.

Like, God made the butthole,

So why not fuck guys?

KIRK CAMERON

...SO, let's move on ahead

To some men who were wise.

EXT. SO DUMB, ALL YE FAITHFUL

KIRK and DARREN visualize the NATIVITY.

DARREN DOANE

I object not at all

To Nativity sets.

In fact, they're the one part

Of Christmas I get:

Where to the Messiah,

The Eastern star showed us--

As long as the sets hold Christ,

NOT baby Yodas.

KIRK CAMERON

Yes, all this is true,

But why don't we do more?

Let's not forget what

The Three Wise Men came for:

To tip off the king

That a new king was here

So he'd get all his murderous

Soldiers in gear.

Here's a thought: If we're REALLY

Gon' Christian this up,

Why not get some wooden toys

Made to crack nuts

And then pose them around

The sweet birthing display?

DARREN DOANE

Well... that WOULD put

A Biblical spin on the day.

But I still have kids,

And they won't want to see

Dioramas of babycide

Under the tree.

All they want is some stuff

From the big man in red--

(turns to camera)

And I KNOW Coke did that.

All you pedants drop dead.

INT. HE WAILED UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR

KIRK and DARREN visualize the FIRST COUNCIL OF NICAEA.

KIRK CAMERON

Well, what if I told you

That St. Nick of yore

Wanted all the old bishops

To love Jesus MORE?

See, they were embroiled

In the type of church schism

That drives most normal people

To alcoholism,

And when one of the bishops

Said Jesus ain't God,

St. Nicholas took up

The staff and the rod

And he beat that sumbitch

Within inches of life--

DARREN DOANE

Okay, stop. That's enough.

Even if you were right

And this legend with no proof

Had ever took place,

Are you saying that Santa

Should punch through the face

Of whoever rejects

Trinitarian creed?

KIRK CAMERON

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

DARREN DOANE

(heavy sigh)

Now I finally see.

What you have been saying

To me all along

Is that my overthinking

Was what I did wrong.

KIRK CAMERON

What? I didn't say that!

I said we can do better!

I'm trying to make us

New Christmas trendsetters!

When this movie drops,

We'll set Christians at ease

That their spending and excess

Leave God very pleased!

DARREN DOANE

Yeah, good luck with that,

Up against 80 years

Of commercialization

And secular cheer.

Your new Christmas context

Will never get big.

You can claim all you want

That RT votes are rigged,

But nobody ever

Has listened to you,

So get out of my car

While I knock back some Blue.

(drinks scotch directly from bottle)

A frowning KIRK returns to the house.

VOICEOVER

And so, as it did

Every year, the night passed:

Kirk annoyed everybody

While Darren got trashed

And their family and friends

Had a good enough evening,

Which no one involved

Thought required new meaning.

We beg, take some time

Just to kick back and rest

And don't make a debate

Of your holiday fest.

And now we proclaim

With a snicker and smirk:

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

Well, except to you, Kirk.

END