KIRK CAMERON'S SAVING CHRISTMAS
The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. WHAT PILE IS THIS?
KIRK CAMERON celebrates CHRISTMAS.
VOICEOVER
'Tis a Christmas Eve do
With Kirk Cameron about,
Plus his ugliest sister,
Since Candace noped out;
All the Sunday school kids
And their moms and their pops;
And even a black guy.
A BLACK GUY
Skip-bippity-bop!
VOICEOVER
But someone's gone missing
From this happy house:
The writer/director
Who plays sister's spouse.
He went out to the car
To escape all this kitsch.
But Kirk just won't have that.
KIRK joins DARREN DOANE.
KIRK CAMERON
Haul ass inside, bitch.
DARREN DOANE
I don't think I will, Kirk.
I'm just not in the mood.
All the money we drop
On the presents and food--
It just isn't especially
Godly to me.
Wouldn't good works and charity
Satisfy He?
KIRK CAMERON
Oh, I see the problem:
You're one of THOSE fools
Who think spending and gorging
Just makes you a tool.
Well, I've been mainlining
Hot chocolate for days!
Does that make ME a tool?
DARREN DOANE
...Do you WANT me to say?
But that's not my only beef
With these traditions:
They all come from pagans
And I'm super-Christian!
KIRK CAMERON
And that makes this better?
It sure doesn't, son!
I'm sick of you Scrooges
Who ruin my fun!
That goes for the woke left
As well as the churched
Who just can't deal with Christmas
And only besmirch.
Just listen to me
And you'll see it all plain.
DARREN DOANE
For the rest of the movie?
Wherefore comes this pain?
EXT. SCHLOCKIN' AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
KIRK and DARREN visualize a TREE LOT.
DARREN DOANE
Okay, fine. Let's start with
The festooned fir tree:
An ancient invention,
From my memory,
Dating back to the Romans
And Saxons and Vikings,
Too polytheistic
For this Christian's liking.
KIRK CAMERON
Yeah, sure, only if
You get facts out of books.
I bid you to give this
A whole different look.
Did the Lord not make trees?
Are those trees not of wood,
A material for which
Large crosses are good?
And while on the subject
Of things God hath made:
He also made winter,
So let that be praised.
DARREN DOANE
That sounds like hot garbage
That you just spat out.
By your logic, God is
What ALL is about.
Like, God made the butthole,
So why not fuck guys?
KIRK CAMERON
...SO, let's move on ahead
To some men who were wise.
EXT. SO DUMB, ALL YE FAITHFUL
KIRK and DARREN visualize the NATIVITY.
DARREN DOANE
I object not at all
To Nativity sets.
In fact, they're the one part
Of Christmas I get:
Where to the Messiah,
The Eastern star showed us--
As long as the sets hold Christ,
NOT baby Yodas.
KIRK CAMERON
Yes, all this is true,
But why don't we do more?
Let's not forget what
The Three Wise Men came for:
To tip off the king
That a new king was here
So he'd get all his murderous
Soldiers in gear.
Here's a thought: If we're REALLY
Gon' Christian this up,
Why not get some wooden toys
Made to crack nuts
And then pose them around
The sweet birthing display?
DARREN DOANE
Well... that WOULD put
A Biblical spin on the day.
But I still have kids,
And they won't want to see
Dioramas of babycide
Under the tree.
All they want is some stuff
From the big man in red--
(turns to camera)
And I KNOW Coke did that.
All you pedants drop dead.
INT. HE WAILED UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR
KIRK and DARREN visualize the FIRST COUNCIL OF NICAEA.
KIRK CAMERON
Well, what if I told you
That St. Nick of yore
Wanted all the old bishops
To love Jesus MORE?
See, they were embroiled
In the type of church schism
That drives most normal people
To alcoholism,
And when one of the bishops
Said Jesus ain't God,
St. Nicholas took up
The staff and the rod
And he beat that sumbitch
Within inches of life--
DARREN DOANE
Okay, stop. That's enough.
Even if you were right
And this legend with no proof
Had ever took place,
Are you saying that Santa
Should punch through the face
Of whoever rejects
Trinitarian creed?
KIRK CAMERON
Yeah. What's wrong with that?
DARREN DOANE
(heavy sigh)
Now I finally see.
What you have been saying
To me all along
Is that my overthinking
Was what I did wrong.
KIRK CAMERON
What? I didn't say that!
I said we can do better!
I'm trying to make us
New Christmas trendsetters!
When this movie drops,
We'll set Christians at ease
That their spending and excess
Leave God very pleased!
DARREN DOANE
Yeah, good luck with that,
Up against 80 years
Of commercialization
And secular cheer.
Your new Christmas context
Will never get big.
You can claim all you want
That RT votes are rigged,
But nobody ever
Has listened to you,
So get out of my car
While I knock back some Blue.
(drinks scotch directly from bottle)
A frowning KIRK returns to the house.
VOICEOVER
And so, as it did
Every year, the night passed:
Kirk annoyed everybody
While Darren got trashed
And their family and friends
Had a good enough evening,
Which no one involved
Thought required new meaning.
We beg, take some time
Just to kick back and rest
And don't make a debate
Of your holiday fest.
And now we proclaim
With a snicker and smirk:
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!
Well, except to you, Kirk.
END