EXT. THEY'RE STILL BASICALLY SQUATTING IN SOMEONE ELSE'S ABSURDLY HUGE APARTMENT, AREN'T THEY?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD and HERO FIENNES TIFFIN welcome JOSEPHINE's homeless drunk father, ATANAS SREBREV, into their home.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Can I punch him in the face NOW?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

No! We went over this in the car. You're allowed to punch any male who comes within 12 feet of me, with the exception of blood relatives, minors, and members of other species.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But that puppy was totally checking you out--

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

SO. DAD. It's been a while since Mom threw you out of our lives. How are things?

ATANAS SREBREV

Oh, the usual. Drinking, shooting up, depriving you of a positive masculine influence during your formative years. Explains a lot, doesn't it?

(ceases to matter)

EXT. COLLEGE

JOSEPHINE meets up with her friend SHANE PAUL MCGHIE CHANCE PERDOMO.

CHANCE PERDOMO

And suddenly we're a twee college romance again! So, have you gotten around to telling Hero, my stepbrother, that you're moving across the state next week?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

I'm waiting to have that conversation for when he's in a better mood.

They exchange a hearty laugh.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Seriously, though, how should I tell him?

CHANCE PERDOMO

How should I know? This is entirely your problem. It's not my job to fix it for you.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Sure it is. You're black and you barely have half a story arc.

CHANCE PERDOMO

Oh, right. Well, here's my advice: It's very important for couples to be able to agree on fundamental questions, like where you envision yourselves building your life together. But you and Hero are 19 years old, and you can't even agree on pizza toppings without relationship counseling. So you should probably just get rid of that deadweight and pursue your dream job in your dream city on your own terms.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Are you sure? I mean, yeah, he's constantly lying and intruding and keeping secrets and walking out and refusing to speak and generally being unpleasant about absolutely everything. But he hasn't done anything REALLY bad.

CHANCE PERDOMO

What are you waiting for? How many puppies does he have to punch?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Oh my God, Chance, that was ONE TIME.

She gets a call from SOME BARTENDER.

SOME BARTENDER

Hero took your alcoholic father out for shots and they got into a brawl with some other drunks.

CHANCE PERDOMO

(looks expectantly at JOSEPHINE)

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Nope. Not bad enough.

She brings HERO and ATANAS back home and lets HERO rub ice cubes on her.

EXT. EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME

HERO and JOSEPHINE argue.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Move to Seattle with me.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

There's nothing for me to do there. Move to London with me.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

But my dream job is in Seattle.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But I don't like Seattle.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Then I'm leaving without you.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

That means we're breaking up.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

No, it doesn't. Move to Seattle with me.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

There's nothing for me to do there. Move to London with me.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

But my dream job is in Seattle.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But I don't like Seattle.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Then I'm leaving without you.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

That means we're breaking up.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

No, it doesn't. Move to Seattle with me.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

There's nothing for me to do there. Move to London with me.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

But my dream job is in Seattle.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But I don't like Seattle.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Then I'm leaving without you.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

That means we're breaking up.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

No, it doesn't. Move to Seattle with me.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

There's nothing for me to do there. Move to London with me.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

But my dream job is in Seattle.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But I don't like Seattle.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Then I'm leaving without you.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

That means we're breaking up.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

No, it doesn't. Move to Seattle with me.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

There's nothing for me to do there. Move to London with me.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

But my dream job is in Seattle.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But I don't like Seattle.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Then I'm leaving without you.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

That means we're breaking up.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

No, it doesn't. Move to Seattle with me.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

There's nothing for me to do there. Move to London with me.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

But my dream job is in Seattle.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But I don't like Seattle.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Then I'm leaving without you.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

That means we're breaking up.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

No, it doesn't. Move to Seattle with me.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

There's nothing for me to do there.

CANDICE KING ARIELLE KEBBEL

Yes, there is. Charlie Weber Stephen Moyer offered you a job of your choosing, but you turned it down.

(looks expectantly at JOSEPHINE)

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Nope. Not bad enough.

She and HERO travel together.

INT. LAKE HOUSE

They meet up with CHANCE, plus HERO's father, PETER GALLAGHER ROB ESTES, and CHANCE's mother, JENNIFER BEALS KARIMAH WESTBROOK FRANCES TURNER.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Hero, everyone else is enjoying boats and wine and food and laughter. Must you really spend this entire trip acting as if a yeast infection were a person?

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

I suppose I could break for our favorite game, "Exchange Pride and Prejudice Quotes Until Jane Austen's Grave Spins Hard Enough to Power the Space Shuttle."

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Might as well. Literary quotes are all we have in common, other than fucking and clinically insane levels of jealousy.

They all go out to dinner, where JOSEPHINE glares hatefully at HERO'S ATTRACTIVE FEMALE ACQUAINTANCE and HERO physically assaults SOME WAITER for talking to JOSEPHINE.

SOME WAITER

(looks expectantly at JOSEPHINE)

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Nope. Not bad enough.

She and HERO do BUTT STUFF.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

By the way, have you ever found any man other than me cute? But mostly Dylan Sprouse from the last movie? But mostly any man other than me? But mostly Some Waiter? But mostly any man other than me?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Well--

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

I KNEW IT!

He storms off the property and goes to hang out with that ATTRACTIVE FEMALE ACQUAINTANCE.

INT. SEATTLE

DYLAN SPROUSE suddenly finds himself looking expectantly into the MIDDLE DISTANCE.

EXT. LAKE HOUSE

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Nope. Not bad enough.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Also, when are you going to give up that dream job I persuaded Stephen to give you?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

...Say that again?

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

You heard me! If not for whatever influence I have over Stephen, he never would have given you a career-level job in Seattle. Now that you have it, I expect you to give it up because I don't like Seattle and I can't live without you, unless you live in Seattle!

(pauses)

Wait...

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

What the fucking FUCK is going on? More importantly, what did Seattle ever do to deserve being the setting for so many terrible New Adult novels?

SEATTLE

(looks expectantly at JOSEPHINE)

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Oh, sorry. Nope. Not bad enough.

She moves there...

INT. SEATTLE

...and has PHONE SEX with HERO.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Huh. A long-distance relationship with orgasms. I'm sure we can make that work if we're truly psychologically dependent on our orgasms. Don't you agree?

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

I do! In fact, I agree so much that I'm willing to give up being a mopey asshole all the time, if only to make you happy.

(has a nightmare about JOSEPHINE fucking SOME WAITER)

(mopes)

(is asshole)

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Okay, I think I have the pattern down now. You're going to let that nightmare get in the way of your urge to communicate with me, you're going to go AWOL for a while, then I'll find out you stood next to a hot girl at the bus stop or something, then we'll have another screaming fight, then I'll decide it's still not bad enough, then we'll get roped into taking Stephen's son to Chuck-E-Cheese and fuck in the ball pit or something.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

No, actually, this time I'm going to talk to you about negative thought patterns resulting from unresolved childhood trauma, and how much it's hurting me and our relationship, and how I fear it'll never be manageable and I'll just end up being even more of a burden to you than I've already been.

They stop and stare at EACH OTHER.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Holy living fuck.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Did... did I just say something honest and constructive?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

I think you did... Did this movie just become self-aware?!

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

By George, I think it did!

JOSEPHINE leaps, sobbing, into HERO's arms! The SKY goes ablaze with FIREWORKS! The last section of "MY HEART WILL GO ON" swells in the BACKGROUND! The rest of the CAST wheels out a giant CAKE with "YOU FINALLY LEARNED SOMETHING" written on top in BUTTERCREAM!

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Actually...

(record scratch)

We just told impressionable young women to stick to their unhealthy relationships on the off chance that they really can change him through the power of love.

EVERYONE ponders that for a second, then walks out grumbling.

INT. WAY, WAY ABOVE THIS MOVIE'S PAY GRADE

JOSEPHINE and HERO spend the WEEKEND doing some NORMAL COUPLE THINGS, but there's more than HALF AN HOUR to go, so THIS is going to get worse before it gets better. Then HERO returns home, where he settles ATANAS's drug debt. Meanwhile, JOSEPHINE discovers she may be INFERTILE.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

You okay keeping THIS shit from each other? I don't think anyone needs to see our efforts to handle it properly.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Agreed. But at least it's better than what this movie left out from the book, like how you sabotaged my plans to--

REST OF THE CAST

NO!

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Or how your old roommate tried to drug you into--

REST OF THE CAST

DON'T!

INT. LONDON

JOSEPHINE and HERO arrive for the wedding of HERO's mom, LOUISE LOMBARD.

LOUISE LOMBARD

I'm the only secondary character who didn't get recast? Bollocks.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

You know, Josephine, I wasn't sure about coming on this trip, since I've been operating on the assumption that Mum's fiancé is as loathsome to me as everyone else on Earth but you. But it's nice to be back in London. Actually, now that I've opened up to you and made an effort to be warm to others, I feel like I have a whole new outlook on life.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Yeah, I can tell. When you smile and laugh, you can almost act.

Then they find out that LOUISE is secretly fucking STEPHEN, even though ARIELLE is carrying STEPHEN's baby, and also that STEPHEN, not ROB, is HERO's real father.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

All this drama built up to our parents and employers being entangled in a Wattpad version of Desperate Housewives.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

And somehow we're still more fucked up than all of them.

END