FADE IN:

EXT. PRESUMABLY CHICAGO, SINCE THAT'S WHERE THE ORIGINAL HAPPENED, ALTHOUGH IT'S HARD TO TELL BECAUSE-

The screen is covered in WATER!! WAAATTEERRRR!!!! SO MUCH WATERRRRRR

FIREFIGHTERS

KEEP SPRAYING THE CAMERA WITH WATER! IF WE DO MAYBE NOBODY WILL NOTICE THE MASSIVE DROP IN FILM QUALITY AND ALSO THAT WE'RE IN TORONTO oh shit we're out of water.

Fire Marshal JOE ANDERSON arrives on scene, playing the all-grown-up BREAKFAST-MANGLING SON of KURT RUSSELL from the original, and wearing KURT RUSSELL'S OLD FIREMAN JACKET which by now must be getting a wee bit RANK.

COP

Looks like a simple accident. Girl covered herself and her entire bed in alcohol, came out here to the alley to throw the bottle away, went back inside and laid down completely straight in the centre of the bed, then lit herself on fire. Open and shut case!

JOE ANDERSON

Hmmmm. I think this might have been... MURDER!

(points at girl's douchebag boyfriend)

(boyfriend breaks down, confesses)

THE MENTALIST & MONK & LIV MORE & LUCIFER

(applaud)

(give thumbs up)

INT. FIRE HOUSE

JOE is called in by the STATION CAPTAIN.

CAPTAIN

Look Joe you do good work but you got a NEW PARTNER!! City Hall's breathing down our neck on this! I ain't gettin' paid enough for this shit!

JOE ANDERSON

New partner?! I work alone! I'm a lone wolf! That's not how we do things round here, dammit! We work alone, lone-wolfishly!

ALISHA BAILEY

(entering)

Well sorry you got a PARTNER now! Who is me. Yep, it's not 1991 anymore, women get to be in the MAIN storyline now!

JOE ANDERSON

Okay cool but listen. You stay outta my way, and let me deliver all the exposition I need to talk the audience through shit. Got it?

ALISHA BAILEY

(smiles)

I did my exposition training on Doctor Who. I'm good.

EXT. "CHICAGO", AT THE CORNER OF -- WAIT ARE YOU SHITTING ME, PALMERSTON AVE AND BLOOR STREET FUCKING WEST?!? WITH THE ACTUAL STREET SIGNS CLEARLY VISIBLE?!???!!! AT LEAST FUCKING TRY FOR FUCK'S SAKE, BLOOR IS ONE OF TORONTO'S BEST KNOWN STREETS, WHY NOT CRAM THE CN TOWER AND THE ENTIRE MAPLE LEAFS HOCKEY TEAM IN THE SHOT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT HOLY FUCK

...Ahem. Anyway, in this nice "CHICAGO" neighbourhood some KIDS are TRICK-OR-TREATING even though it is clearly APRIL. At one house with no decorations (maybe because it is FUCKING APRIL) they try to open the DOOR, as kids do, but then get SUPER BACKDRAFT BLOWN UP which GOOD THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO DO HALLOWE'EN IN GODDAMN APRIL YOU LITTLE SNOTRAGS.

BACKDRAFT

AW YEAH I'M BACK BABY, BWAH HA HA HA HA HA what? I know what I said, I got bills to pay.

Eventually JOE and ALISHA arrive to assess the scene.

JOE ANDERSON

(striding through house)

Something doesn't feel right, this doesn't add up, etc., clearly the A/C was sabotaged and these wires tampered with to make backdraft that killed those kids, also fire has a soul and you gotta look inside yourself to truly know fire and shit okay let's grab a brew.

ALISHA BAILEY

Um, should we take some samples to the lab or something?

JOE ANDERSON

Fuck that stupid lab. I have my own awesome lab in my warehouse that I live in. I take in stray dogs and run forensic tests with my left nut while doing guitar licks and being awesome.

(chugs hot sauce)

See ya tomorrow.

INT. FIREHOUSE - THE NEXT DAY

JOE presents his findings to his superiors including BILLY BALDWIN!!

BILLY BALDWIN

Yes it's me, the cast member of Backdraft voted Most Likely to Appear in a Direct-to-On-Demand Sequel to Backdraft. For this meeting I've also invited ATF asshole Dominic Mafham.

DOMINIC MAFHAM

(is asshole)

JOE ANDERSON

Oooh that guy's SUCH an asshole! Anyway here's my report, which I've conveniently rolled up into a tube so you can shove it RIGHT UP YOUR OWN ASS!!! I work alone!! You stuffed suits forgot what it's like out there! Etcetera!

BILLY BALDWIN

Thanks for that Joe. Which reminds me, can I invite you over to dinner? Your Mom will be there.

JOE ANDERSON

Oh fuck off, you know we can't afford Rebecca de Mornay. Tell you what, I'll call her later where we only hear my side of the conversation, now just drop it.

INT. WU'S RESTAURANT SET

JOE decides to go over his confidential evidence in some random movie restaurant set, oh wait, it's supposed to be an actual restaurant I think.

JESSAMINE-BLISS BELL

Hi there! I'm Jenny the Geologist! Let's flirt.

JOE ANDERSON

Huh? Okay. Check out my gruesome fire victim photos.

JESSAMINE-BLISS BELL

This scene is so fucking weird.

JOE ANDERSON

Yeah. So I'm gonna go beat up an arsonist then question him in hospital, typical Fire Marshal shit. Catch you later?

JESSAMINE-BLISS BELL

(moves in with Joe)

What the

INT. HOSPITAL

JOE heads to the hospital but who should just happen to be in the waiting room than DONALD SUTHERLAND, wearing a dignity-mangling HOSPITAL GOWN but after all he's already appearing in BACKDRAFT 2 so why not.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Ah, Mr. Anderson, pleased to meet you. I sense we can help each other.

(smiles)

We'll take turns asking questions except shut the fuck up, I'll do all the talking because I'm Donald fucking Sutherland and you're you.

(whispers)

Thanks to the Internet I know all about your case. I could probably solve it right now but first there is bullshit nonsense to happen. Besides, I want another scene later on. Remember you were in a fire once? Toodles!

INT. BURNT-UP HALLOWE'EN HOUSE

JOE takes his new STRAY DOG to the CRIME SCENE in the middle of the night because he JUST CAN'T GET THE CASE OUT OF HIS THOUGHTS and bumps into ALISHA who has also come to the CRIME SCENE in the middle of the night because she JUST CAN'T GET THE CASE OUT OF HER THOUGHTS and they are similar that way.

JOE ANDERSON

I just can't get this case out of my thoughts, y'know?

ALISHA BAILEY

Me neither. Except when I'm thinking about how my kleptomania got me demoted to this lousy-ass detail. Oh did you check this door for backstory because TOO LATE YOU GOT IT! And that's over.

JOE ANDERSON

Well the bad news is I didn't find any more clues and this story is dying. However I did find a half-burned draft of a "Castle" script so let's just do that for a while.

ALISHA BAILEY

(takes script)

Says here the house belongs to a couple called the Hunters who owned a weapons tech company that makes prototype missiles, so we gotta go check out HunterCorp and wait, shouldn't cops be doing that?

JOE ANDERSON

It's okay, just read the "Detective Beckett" lines. Meanwhile the cops in OUR story will try to hunt down the Hunters with a manhunt and maybe we should have given those characters a different name.

INT. HUNTERCORP.

JOE and ALISHA interview the CEO of HUNTERCORP.

CEO

Thank you for coming Detective. Everyone's been worried since we lost our super top secret experimental prototype missile.

(handed rewrites)

Um, in a FIRE.

JOE ANDERSON

Ah, a FIRE! That explains why we're still on this case, yep.

CEO

Please understand, this was a sensitive government project with implications for national defence and global terrorism. After all if it fell into the wrong hands...

(checks script)

...it could make a lot of FIRE.

JOE ANDERSON

(winks to camera)

ALISHA BAILEY

I just got a text from our cop friend, they found the Hunters! Seems they've been murdered, so I guess that's out of our hands-

JOE ANDERSON

Maybe check that text again?

ALISHA BAILEY

(does so)

(sighs)

Oh sorry, what I meant was, they were murdered with FIRE.

JOE ANDERSON

YYYEEEAHHH STILL ON THE CASE BABY!!

EXT. A VERY TORONTO STREET SOMEWHERE IN TORONTO

JOE and ALISHA arrive at the murder scene being run by a FED GUY.

FED GUY

Walk with me while I eat this hot dog, it's very Law & Order.

(eating)

So yeah the Hunters wanted to sell the missile on the international black market, here's some dossiers full of classified FBI investigations. Oh and in case you need it, here's a map of all our foreign safe houses, the spy list from Mission: Impossible, and the nuclear football.

ALISHA BAILEY

Is it fair to say we no longer need to try keeping track of this total bullshit plot?

JOE ANDERSON

I'd say yes.

INT. FIRE MARSHAL'S OFFICE

JOE and ALISHA check under a FIRE and find a HARD DRIVE, OH BOY!! They bring it to the TEAM!

JOE ANDERSON

Okay people! The hard drive has NUMBERS on it! So rather than use computers to analyze numbers like a bunch of fuckknobs we've literally PRINTED OUT ALL THE FUCKING NUMBERS so we can look for patterns and shit BY FUCKING HAND because WE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

They STARE and FROWN at the numbers FRUITLESSLY for a while, but then find some other lead that takes them to some office somewhere, let's say they spilled some ALPHA-BITS on the floor that spelled the name of the building.

INT. OFFICE

They arrive but IT'S A TRAP which hey guess what involves FIRE!!

BAD GUY

HAHAHA I HAVE GUNS AND FIRE FUCK YOU

JOE, ALISHA, and the BAD GUY are all trapped by the FIRE!

JOE ANDERSON

Just keep calm Alisha. Let the bad guy move first, then the fire will eat him first.

BAD GUY

Sorry what now?

(devoured by flames)

(dies)

JOE ANDERSON

Now you can crawl to safety! Go!

ALISHA BAILEY

Are you crawling out too?

JOE ANDERSON

I probably should but instead thought I'd SHOOT THAT WINDOW AND JUMP OUT YIPPEE KAY YAAAYYY MAPLE DONUTS

JOE clings to the outside of the BUILDING, remembers the movie should probably still have the occasional dash of FIREFIGHTING SHIT and saves a young girl by getting her to the fire ladder!

JOE ANDERSON

Well that worked out nicely.

BACKDRAFT

OKAY THIS ISN'T STRICTLY A BACKDRAFT SITUATION BUT SINCE I'M HERE

(explodes!!)

JOE is thrown OFF the building and he falls like FIVE FUCKING STORIES into a random METAL DUMPSTER! He is found by BILLY BALDWIN.

BILLY BALDWIN

Hey Joe. I know you might be dying from internal injuries, and I even say that out loud in the movie, but I think now's the perfect time for a little heart-to-heart chat. Just us, no pesky doctors or paramedics or shit.

JOE ANDERSON

(shattered limbs spurting blood in every direction)

Sure thing, uncle. What's on your mind?

BILLY BALDWIN

It's time I told you the truth about Backdraft 1. You see, Scott Glenn was guilty and Kurt and I found out. Then Kurt got horribly injured in the climactic fire and died before we could get him to hospital. If only we'd been quicker to get him medical attention maybe he'd still be with us!

JOE ANDERSON

(organs collapsing)

AHEM. IS THERE PERHAPS SOMETHING YOU WISH TO LEARN FROM THIS TRAUMATIC LESSON. AND APPLY TO FUTURE SITUATIONS SUCH AS THIS ONE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

BILLY BALDWIN

(wistfully)

Ah, the '90s. It was a good era.

CAPTAIN

(arriving)

Dammit Anderson you're a loose cannon! With tons of loose bones and tendons! You're OFF THE CASE!

JOE ANDERSON

(lungs fall out)

DOMINIC MAFHAM

(is asshole)

INT. JOE'S PLACE

After a quick trip to the BAR to heal up JOE chill(fire)axes at home with JESSAMINE-BLISS BELL.

JESSAMINE-BLISS BELL

Hey are these numbers part of your case? Thanks to my geologist training I recognize these are cell tower pings or whatever.

JOE ANDERSON

Cool! Good thing we're in a relationship of some sort! Now we can use the numbers to oh wait we all stopped caring about that. Let's hit the hay.

But when they wake up the next morning JOE'S BED IS BOOBY-TRAPPED!!!!

JOE ANDERSON

What the hell? Who the fuck snuck in and built an entire pressure-sensitive bomb under our bed, instead of just shooting us?!?

BILLY BALDWIN

(arriving)

It's okay I'm here to save you Joe! Though first maybe I'll share some more fun stories of Backdraft 1. Did you know Jennifer Jason Leigh was a real prankster on set?

JOE ANDERSON

Could you please just put a large rock or something on my bed so we can leave.

BILLY BALDWIN

Nope! Instead I'm gonna start fucking around with gas lines or some shit until

(explodes!)

AWW YEEEAH HEROIC DEATH LET'S NOT SWEAT THE DETAILS

(dead)

EXT. GRAVEYARD

BILLY gets a small-scale, tiny-studio-budget FUNERAL, after which various side characters console JOE.

CAPTAIN

We all feel terrible Joe. The full resources of the city's fire department, police department, municipal works, transit union, and recreational sports leagues are at your complete disposal.

FED GUY

And I have the FBI, CIA, ATF, MI:6, Avengers, Justice League, Kingsmen, Spy Kids, Men in Black, and Secret Society of Second-Born Royals ready for action.

(hovers thumb over "GO" button)

JOE ANDERSON

I appreciate that, but you know how we work, LONE WOLF, LOOSE CANNON, also we can't afford any more scenes with lots of moving parts. I'll handle this.

INT. HOSPITAL

JOE decides to give DONALD his second scene.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

So I guess this is where I say some random fire-related thing to give you the final link in the case. What haven't we used yet?

JOE ANDERSON

I dunno... propane?

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Sure, why not. Propane.

JOE ANDERSON

OMG PROPANE!!

(rushes out)

EXT. I DUNNO HOW ABOUT... THE DOCKS, THAT'S WHERE MOST OF THESE HALF-BAKED REJECTED COP DRAMA SCRIPTS WIND UP

JOE finds the PROPANE and uses his handy SCAN-O-MISSILE-MATIC to find the CRATE with the EXTREMELY DANGEROUS, SUPER DEADLY MISSILE!

JOE ANDERSON

The only non-moronic thing to do next is to call every fucking authority I can think of.

(budget)

Shit, can I at least call Alisha?

(she only has 1 day shooting left)

Solo stakeout it is!

JOE keeps careful watch on the CRATE except for when he FALLS COMPLETELY ASLEEP which is why you DON'T DO SOLO STAKEOUTS JOE but anyway eventually TWO RANDOM GOOBERS show up.

JOE ANDERSON

Finally, the epic final showdown against two random goobers!!

ALISHA BAILEY

And I'm here now to even the odds!

(shot)

Argh, the odds are odd again! Sorry Joe!

JOE ANDERSON

Gotta re-even those odd odds!

(shoots goober dead)

(gets shot)

Fuck! The odds have been re-oddified!!

RANDOM GOOBER

HAR HAR HAR I have you now, Fire Marshal!! Now comes Random Goober's moment of ultimate triumph and seriously what the fuck are we doing.

JOE ANDERSON

I dunno, I just hope you don't look in the back of that crate!

(winks)

RANDOM GOOBER

(sighs)

(opens crate)

(explodes)

JOE ANDERSON

Ha ha, I rigged a trap for the missile to fire its engine full blast while deactivating Newton's Third Law.

ALISHA BAILEY

Hurray Joe! You're a real Fire Marshal now!

CAPTAIN

Good work Joe! Here is a scholarship!

DOMINIC MAFHAM

(is asshole)

JESSAMINE-BLISS BELL

Congrats Joe! Let's have a third kid and renovate the kitchen! Wait what in hell

JOE and JESSAMINE-BLISS and the STRAY DOG drive merrily into the OUT OF CAMERA RANGE.

BACKDRAFT

(lurking behind lamppost)

I shoulda listened to Wyatt Russell and stayed far away from this shit.

END