FADE IN:

INT. I'M ONLY DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU REQUESTED IT, GIANLUCA. YOU OWE ME BIG.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD begins her new INTERNSHIP.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Girls, just so you know, you'll be lucky to get ANY paid publishing internship as a sophomore, much less one that comes with its own office, girl-bonding with the boss over underwear, and absolutely no comment on your professionally volatile behavior. But I got all that somehow! I'd be positively mad to put any of this at risk for the sake of my unstable ex Hero Fiennes-Tiffin, wouldn't you agree?

CHARLIE WEBER

You mean the unstable ex who used his family connections to get you hired here? What a great guy.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(shoots hole through copy of resume)

Just cut to him before I turn this gun on myself.

INT. HERO'S SAD, LONELY LIFE

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN broods over his break-up with JOSEPHINE.

INANNA SARKIS

Hey, Hero, want to numb your pain over that drippy self-insert with the pain of the six STDs you'll contract from me?

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

No. I want to sit here and brood.

INANNA SARKIS

You could do that anywhere. In fact, you DO do that. EVERYWHERE. Why did you come to this sex drugs party if you weren't going to enjoy the sex drugs?

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Because everyone needs to know how broody I am and how loathsome you've become to me. Now get your flappy labia out of my presence.

He gets a call from JOSEPHINE.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(drunkity-drunk)

Heyyyyyy, what hazh two thumbs an' s'having a better life n'you?

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Josephine, tell me where you are! Don't make me track your phone!

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(hiccups)

Nooooo, stupid, thash wha they did in th'first Fifty Shades!

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Do you really think that would stop anyone involved with this sequel?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(vomits into own hair)

Prob'ly nah.

HERO barges over to her hotel room, finding her mostly undressed coworker DYLAN SPROUSE in the bathroom.

DYLAN SPROUSE

Hero, this contrivance isn't at all what it must look like to a possessive dickhole such as yourself. I'm not actually sure if I'm supposed to have any sexual interest in Josephine; my only acting note was "human oatmeal."

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

No one gets to take advantage of this barely lucid fair maiden but ME! Now go into the adjoining bedroom, and don't you even THINK about whacking while you listen!

DYLAN SPROUSE

Wasn't gonna do either.

He leaves while HERO and JOSEPHINE engage in FULLY CLOTHED MISSIONARY DATE RAPE.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(actual line)

I made a mistake.

(blinks)

That's how we're framing this? A mistake? A bad call? A whoopsy-daisy? On MY part? YOU'RE the one who could see and probably smell that I was in no position to give informed consent, and you put your dick in me anyway!

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

So... you don't want to get back together?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

No, actually, I want YOU to get together with the fucking cops! ...is what I would say if we weren't disgustingly equivocating about this thing. Let's fall ass-over-teakettle back into our accidentally very accurate portrayal of that one toxic couple everyone knows who needs to stay broken up forever.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

That's all I asked.

INT. HERO'S APARTMENT

HERO's mother, LOUISE LOMBARD, comes to visit.

LOUISE LOMBARD

Oh, Josephine, you and Hero are just ADORABLE together! I LOVE you as a couple. In fact, I hope you never stop being a couple. I'm rooting for you all the way.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Why?

LOUISE LOMBARD

What do you mean, why?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

I mean, what possible reason could there be to want Hero and I to stay together? We haven't gotten over the stupid misunderstanding from the first movie. He has extreme emotional issues that he's doing nothing to fix. I make horrible life choices whenever I'm around him. Whatever relationship we had was the sort of mistake that millions of freshmen make once before never speaking to each other again. And do I even need to get into the literal date rape? Please, I'm begging you, EXPLAIN THIS.

LOUISE LOMBARD

It looks hot.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

...I'm sorry, would you please repeat that?

LOUISE LOMBARD

It looks hot when you fuck. Or when you're about to fuck, mostly. They don't show much actual fucking.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

So you're telling me that there's nothing worth seeing here that you couldn't see in the first two minutes of an average amateur porno, rehashed five or six times and stitched together with a romantic storyline that makes Twilight look like Anna Karenina, performed by a semi-talented lead actress and a lead actor who reads every line like someone just spilled his pint?

LOUISE LOMBARD

Yeah, pretty much. Now, shall we talk in further detail about that time Hero saw ME getting raped when he was a child and believes you're the only thing standing between him and traumatic self-destruction?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(sticks fork repeatedly in back of hand)

Fuuuuuuuuuun.

INT. AN INTERMINABLY LONG NUMBER OF SCENES

The MOVIE careens from ROM-COM to FAMILY COMEDY to ADVERTISEMENT to EROTICA to ROMANTIC DRAMA to ADVERTISEMENT to CHRISTMAS FAMILY DRAMA, in a way that feels suspiciously like someone pulled RANDOM SCENE IDEAS out of her ASS and posted them using her PHONE with ABSOLUTELY NO EDITING just to satisfy demands for NEW CHAPTERS.

CHARLIE WEBER

Josephine, even though you've done nothing on the job besides get drunk, oversleep, and occasionally type stuff, we'd like to offer you a permanent job in your dream city. We'll cover your tuition and rent.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Wow, that sounds great, but--

CHARLIE WEBER

NO. DO NOT SAY BUT. There is absolutely no excuse for you not to jump on an opportunity so amazing that it never actually happens. And if you think Hero is that excuse, YOU ARE WRONG. If you don't choose your career over that binge-drinking ball of incompetently acted need, I'll have no choice but to contact everyone I've ever met in this industry and warn them not to hire you because you are THE DUMBEST PERSON ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PLANET. ...is what I would say if Hero didn't have connections at this company. Why don't you go to one of those college parties you despise before you answer?

JOSEPHINE and HERO do that.

INANNA SARKIS

Oh, hey, what are--

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

You're an evil fucking bitch cow slut whore hag.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

You're also a vile fucking harlot hussy strumpet trollop floozy.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Plus a sinful fucking tart tramp wench broad termagant.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Not to mention a wicked fucking--

INANNA SARKIS

OKAY. I GET IT. But what do I matter? There's nothing I could do to threaten your relationship that you don't already do to threaten it during all of your waking hours.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

(invading JOSEPHINE's privacy)

What are you talking about?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(misinterpreting HERO's actions)

We love each other.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

(refusing to listen to JOSEPHINE's explanations)

We're the most solid couple here.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(impulsively acting against HERO out of spite)

Our romance is to be admired and glamorized.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

(walking out on JOSEPHINE)

You'll never find what we have.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(ignoring HERO's attempts to communicate)

We'll be happy for--

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Hang on. What's everyone doing?

They turn to see all the other PARTYGOERS flinging themselves from the UPSTAIRS WINDOWS onto the GROUND.

INANNA SARKIS

Well, nobody wants to be the next person who one of you gropes to drive the other one mad with sexual jealousy, and they decided the only sure way to avoid that is to die. Because you wouldn't try that with the dead... right?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

YOU'RE LOOKING AT THAT CORPSE LIKE YOU THINK IT'S PRETTIER THAN ME!

INANNA SARKIS

(runs upstairs)

INT. LONDON

HERO camps off to LOUISE's house.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

So I finally decided that the best thing for everyone involved was for Josephine and I to break up. That way she can get on with her fledgling career and move to her dream city, and I can buckle down to the hard work of overcoming alcoholism and PTSD.

LOUISE LOMBARD

Bullshit. Go get her back.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

What? I just described the smartest decision anyone in these movies has made, and you're telling me it's the wrong one?

LOUISE LOMBARD

Hero, be serious. Do you really think you'll find another pretty and bookish girl who enjoys sex?

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Yes, actually. This is London.

LOUISE LOMBARD

But Josephine's hair is so much nicer now.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Good point. You sure you'll be all right in this dump that my once-alcoholic father abandoned you in?

LOUISE LOMBARD

This surprisingly spacious and well-furnished London dump, which easily costs over 650 thousand pounds? Where I regularly get my brains fucked out by some neighbor the viewers have never seen? Yeah, I'm good. Now go get that girl and ruin her life.

INT. CHARLIE'S HOUSE

JOSEPHINE and her COWORKERS party.

DYLAN SPROUSE

So, now that Hero's out of the picture, maybe you and I could embark upon a mind-numbingly dull yet perfectly sane relationship?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Or maybe I could NOT have a boyfriend for a while, especially not an office boyfriend, and just enjoy being single and 19 years old in a new city. Let's try that.

But then she looks up to see HERO!

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Oh, great. We're doing the just-showing-up-wherever-I-happen-to-be-standing thing again. You're like the world's worst bloodhound.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

I love you.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Not good enough.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

I REALLY love you.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

Josephine no-middle-name Langford, I super-duper love you times infinity and I will always--

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! You know, I am so GODDAMN TIRED of acting like a 19-year-old's idea of true love is enough to sustain a relationship that started as a lie and continued as a neverending series of screaming fights, petty revenge, refusals to talk anything out, and FUCKING DATE RAPE! And you know what else I'm tired of? Publishers and movie producers who throw both narrative quality and healthy messaging out the window as soon as some makeup saleslady's boy band fanfic blows up, thanks to a horde of grammatically challenged stans who wouldn't know a decent love story if it burrowed into their nostrils like fucking spear grass! FUCK THIS! FUCK IT ALL!!!

(ragged breathing)

...IS WHAT I WOULD SAY if those same producers hadn't put the next two movies into pre-production. Let's get back together.

To celebrate, HERO gets a CLASSIC LITERARY QUOTE tattooed on his back.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

(reading)

"Your presence is a moral poison that would contaminate the most virtuous."

HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN

It was between that and "A strong woman who recklessly throws away her strength, she is worse than a weak woman who has never had any strength to throw away."

END