"You're a good cop, Joel, I just think you've taken the whole 'Boys in Blue' thing a bit far, y'know?"

BRIGHT

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. GRITTY REAL LOS ANGELES BUT WITH LIKE ELVES AND SHIT, AND IF YOU CAN'T WRAP YOUR BRAIN AROUND THAT WELL BETTER JUST BAIL NOW

LA COPS WILL SMITH and ORC JOEL EDGERTON are on patrol.

JOEL EDGERTON

Soooo, we're doing Alien Nation but with mythical creatures?

WILL SMITH

Yep! Specifically we refer to the Nine Races: Humans, Orcs, Elves, Fairies, Centaurs, Dragons... um...

(checks script)

... strippers with eyes that blink weird... and, er, the last two are TBD I guess.

JOEL EDGERTON

I can only assume there's gonna be clunky class and race metaphors in this thing.

WILL SMITH

Fuck yeah! We'll demonstrate the wrongness of treating groups of people like non-humans, by replacing them with literal non-humans! It's brilliant!

(crushes fairy)

Fairy Lives Matter! Har har!

JOEL EDGERTON

Yeah I can't possibly see this going horribly, painfully wrong. Anyway we're running late so let's take a detour through elfluent Elftown, full of pale rich magic folk that control all money and business and NOPE NOPE NOPE LET'S NOT GO THERE AT ALL, THIS NEVER HAPPENED OKAY

(speeds off)

WILL SMITH

Damn you orcs drive like ass! Plus you're all slow and strong and tribal-minded with +4 to Constitution and have Resistance to Poison automatically, you stupid fucking orc!

JOEL EDGERTON

Are you still mad about that time you got shot? Dude, I went half a block away to get us burritos, I thought you could pay attention to your surroundings for like three minutes.

WILL SMITH

You're supposed to materialize in front of me whenever there's any danger ever so fuck you! Look, I'm a lifetime cop, on the P.D. is where I've spent most of my days! I'm not letting you fuck up my career, got it?

JOEL EDGERTON

(sighs)

This is because I'm the only orc on the force, right?

WILL SMITH

That, and your deadpan take-things-literally blue-body-paint shtick veers dangerously close to Drax the Destroyer sometimes. But also, I have a generic and barely sketched-out Wife And Kid At Home that depend on me, so there!

JOEL and WILL respond to a call where a CRAZY SWORD GUY is in an intersection.

CRAZY SWORD GUY

I AM A CRAZY DUDE WITH A SWORD BWLARGH BARGH BECAUSE FANTASY WORLDS HAVE SWORDS BUT WE ALSO HAVE GUNS SO FUCK SWORDS OKAY I'M GONNA GET ARRESTED NOW THANKS

OTHER COPS

Good job everyone, except stupid orc cop, whom we all hate!

(spit on Joel)

(crumple Joel's character sheet)

(dent Joel's miniature)

(roll Joel's dice improperly thus imparting bad mojo to them)

JOEL EDGERTON

Can I point out there is a centaur cop RIGHT OVER THERE. Nobody's giving HIM shit. What's that about?!?

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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