FADE IN:

FADE IN LESS:

FADE IN EVEN DIMMER:

OH SHIT THE UNIVERSE IS LOSING ITS FADE IN, GET RYAN GOSLING ON THIS FUCKING STAT

INT. SPACESHIP OF UNKNOWN NAME - APOSTLES' CREED? OUR FATHER? SERENITY PRAYER? WELL PROBABLY NOT THAT LAST ONE

RYAN GOSLING awakens from intense cryo-sleep.

RYAN GOSLING

Shit what's going on?!? I don't remember how I got here, or why, or what the mission is... I can't even remember which of the other two crewmembers is my true love that I end up married to in an old folks' home!

(checks bunks)

Well they're both dead anyway, so I guess we can backburner that one.

A FUN ROBOT with GANGLY ARMS tries to help RYAN by giving him a shave.

RYAN GOSLING

Oh I see you think we're gonna have a Downey-robot Iron-Man-style buddy thing? Hate to break it to you but let's just say that part is, ah, spoken for.

RYAN space-buries his crewmates and then stumbles about the ship looking for the AMNESIA OFF button.

RYAN GOSLING

Eh, guess this "sporadic flashbacks" button will have to do...

(pushes)

INT. EARTH CLASSROOM

RYAN is teaching science to kids, ADORKABLY.

RYAN GOSLING

Sure any teacher could ask you the speed of light, but what about asking you the speed of light while YOU'RE HOLDING LAVA AND I'M SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE?!?!! SOMEDAY YOU MIGHT NEED TO REMEMBER THE SPEED OF LIGHT WHILE FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!

KID

(raising hand)

My parents say the Sun is dying because of a big red space ribbon full of aliens? Of course, they also say the measles vaccine makes you transtifa so I thought I'd ask someone whose brain hadn't turned to goo.

RYAN GOSLING

I can't lie to you kids. Yes, there's an unknown intergalactic phenomenon that threatens to snuff out our Sun, making Earth uninhabitable and killing all life on this planet. But on the other hand, maybe it won't? Who wants ice cream!

At the end of class RYAN is approached by mysterious newcomer SANDRA HULLER.

SANDRA HULLER

You may appear to be a simple grade-school teacher, but I know you're also a super-genius who's been ostracized for your wild crazy beliefs and might be the ONLY PERSON qualified to avert a high-concept global catastrophe. Please ignore how this is also the premise of every cheap-ass direct-to-streaming disaster movie ever made. I swear, this time, we can make it work.

RYAN GOSLING

I think as long as I'm not also reconciling with my ex-wife, we'll be fine. Let's keep her permanently offscreen just to be safe?

SANDRA HULLER

Deal! Come with me.

INT. MINOR AUXILIARY TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT LAB

SANDRA sticks RYAN inside the lab, closes the 300 exterior deadbolts and wraps the whole thing in ten miles of caution tape.

SANDRA HULLER

The Sun's energy is being eaten up by these tiny black dots, which are some kind of weird bullshit thing we call "astrophages". You need to figure out what the fuck they are please.

RYAN GOSLING

(puts astrophage under microscope)

(peers through lens)

(presses up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start)

They're water-based cellular organisms that can store vast amounts of energy, you're welcome.

SANDRA HULLER

Not bad, you might just be useful. But for this mission we also need a top-notch buddy act so here's Lionel "Dessert Guy from The Bear" Boyce, show us what you got.

RYAN displays effortless chemistry with LIONEL and for an encore, they manage to breed the ASTROPHAGES using CARDBOARD BOXES and some DUCT TAPE. This gets them invited to the BIG DEAL MAIN EVENT TOP SECRET LAB.

INT. BIG DEAL MAIN EVENT TOP SECRET LAB

RYAN is thrown in front of the main panel of top-level decision makers with no briefing because that way we can learn along with him!

SANDRA HULLER

It's not just our Sun, it's every known star in our galaxy at least. The astrophages are spreading and eating everything until all other life is gone.

RYAN GOSLING

Wow the MCU really can't stop raising the stakes can they. ANOTHER universe-ending armageddon?!? I mean, maybe it's time to dial it back a bit, y'know?...

(looks around)

Oh whoops. Sorry, I thought maybe they'd finally got me. Carry on!

SANDRA HULLER

But, there is ONE star that's NOT getting eaten, so whatever stops the astrophages must be found there. So we basically just need to do a quick beer run to that star, grab the antidote and send it back. And by "quick" I mean like 11 years in cryostasis hahaha.

RYAN GOSLING

How do we even get a ship out that far?

SANDRA HULLER

The astrophages are so crammed full of energy that each teeny dot is like a massive bomb. Thanks to you we can breed juuuust enough to get the ship exactly as far as Tau Ceti, the star in question. We'll also include enough regular fuel for unlimited maneouvres once the ship is there of course, but only local stuff. No coming back.

RYAN GOSLING

Could we use all this massive energy to heat the Earth and save everyone? Or to power and heat enclosed habitats to save almost everyone? Or

SANDRA HULLER

Look Andy Weir spent a bunch of pages explaining why none of that works, but this isn't a five-hour movie so just trust me.

INT. RYAN'S SPACESHIP - DEEP SPACE

RYAN continues bumbling and crashing his way around the ship until finally a COMPUTER VOICE announces they have reached TAU CETI!

RYAN GOSLING

Okay cool, now to save humanity and the universe all by myself. Let's take a peek at the big red ribbon of astrophage attached to Tau Ceti and OMG IS THAT AN ALIEN SHIP RIGHT NEXT TO IT??!!?? What a mind-blowing twist for anyone who hasn't seen any trailers or promos or merchandise or interviews or TikToks or posters or, y'know, read the book!

RYAN flies closer to find what is, indeed, a BIG HONKIN' ALIEN SHIP! It attaches a TUBE to RYAN'S AIRLOCK so RYAN puts on his suit and investigates.

RYAN GOSLING

This is incredible, can't believe I might be about to meet alien life... perhaps through that window at the end, alien life might be visible...

ALIEN

(taps on glass)

RYAN GOSLING

OH SHIT ALIEN LIFE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(panics)

OKAY OKAY calming down. Remember Ryan, the odds of this being a "Lifeforce" reboot are astronomically small. Hello alien! I am Ryan Gosling, a Canadian-avian hybrid, from Earth.

The ALIEN sends what appears to be a shiny bracelet through the window.

RYAN GOSLING

Oh cool! Take bracelet.

(you reach for the bracelet, but you accidentally nudge it through a crack in the floor where it is lost)

Crap. Restore game. Put towel on floor. Take bracelet.

(the towel blocks the crack. But as you pick up the bracelet, a slight cross-breeze takes it out of your hand and it drifts into space)

Dammit! Restore. Put towel on floor. Place tape over vent. Take bracelet.

(you pick up the bracelet, but it proves exceedingly slippery, and--)

FUCK OFF. RESTORE. END HITCH-HIKERS JOKE. TAKE BRACELET.

Upon closer inspection RYAN realizes the bracelet is actually the chemical formula for OXYGEN!

RYAN GOSLING

Ah I see, the alien is saying I can breathe in here without my helmet. Well, I have a hand-held analyzer inside, within 20 seconds I could be back to test the atmo myself. But that would risk killing the mood.

(thinks)

Or I could dig deep... and take a leap of faith. Show this unknown creature my ultimate trust, by slowly... removing... my helmet.

(breathes)

With this one simple act... is a great stride made.

ALIEN

COOL BEANS OKAY LOOK I MADE MYSELF A HAMSTER BALL GONNA ROLL ALL OVER YOUR SPACECRAFT WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(crashing into shit)

HEY WHAT'S THIS RANDOM GARBAGE CRAP WHICH MIGHT BE PRICELESS TREASURES FAR AS I KNOW, ALIEN CIVILIZATION AND ALL BUT WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(carnage)

RYAN GOSLING

Shit dude, you blew through the whole bit where we made a machine to translate your graceful languid whalesong into my short choppy English, and then somehow conversed at an equal pace! I had this fun idea where I'd use the computer to make you sound like Christopher Walken...

ALIEN

THIS SCRIPT IS ABRIDGED, TRY TO KEEP UP HUMAN

(dances)

RYAN GOSLING

I gotta admit, you are one super-endearing tiny alien creature sidekick. I'll call you... E.T. Grogu Baby Groot Moopsy Rocky!

(grins)

So are there more of you on your ship? The rest of my crew's all dead lol.

ROCKY

AH NOPE ALL MY CREW DEAD TOO, GUESS WE WEREN'T ANYONE'S FIRST CHOICE FOR OFFICE FLOOR WARDEN HUH. NOW LET US EXCHANGE ENDEARING CATCHPHRASES

(thumbs down)

RYAN GOSLING

Sure, how about... fist my bump?

ROCKY

CATCHY AND JUST SLYLY SEXUAL ENOUGH FOR MASS AUDIENCES, IT'S PERFECT. WE SHALL MAKE A GREAT TEAM, BOW CHICKA WOW WOW

EXT. REWIND TO THE TRAINING CENTRE - EARTH

RYAN and SANDRA stroll around reflecting on the situation.

RYAN GOSLING

I sure have enjoyed teaching the crew all about astrophages, while participating in all the other mission training, learning how the ship works, being fitted for spacesuits, being gene-tested to find out I'm cryo-compatible (book version). I can't wait to stay right here on Earth and use all this detailed knowledge to properly observe the mission from a vast distance away!

SANDRA HULLER

Hm, yes, indeed. Oh if you could quickly sign this last will and testament thanks?

RYAN GOSLING

Sure!

(signs)

Plus that was some great karaoke yesterday, now morale is high and everyone's feeling great about our impending success. No way some stupid space spores can withstand the power of karaoke!

SANDRA HULLER

Yes, I thought the mood was particularly jovial over at the science building, where 100% of all our scientists were gathering in a single room for a light-hearted game of throwing astrophage fuel into woodchippers

(massive explosion in background)

OH WAIT SHIT THAT'S NOT GOOD

Indeed the entire science team has gone KABLOOEY leaving RYAN as the only option for the MCCOY element of the three-person crew.

RYAN GOSLING

Okay yes, I'm the only scientist left. But on the other hand I'm scared shitless so no thanks! Maybe I could still train someone, why are you so convinced it's gotta be me?

SANDRA HULLER

Well, your character is Dr. Grace. And the ship is called Hail Mary.

(pause)

Okay am I the only one who sees this? Hail Mary, full of Grace? Hello?!?

(looks around)

(handed note)

Wow, apparently lots of folk missed that, and even the writer of this very abridged script needed it pointed out explicitly and is only including it here juuuuust in case anyone else is still in the dark. Anyway, drug this asshole please.

INT. BACK TO THE FLEA FLICKER HAIL MARY

RYAN and ROCKY have gathered samples of astrophages travelling to and from a nearby PLANET only to find the sample densities are EQUAL!

RYAN GOSLING

That's strange, the astrophages should be breeding, why is the population stable? Is it an affordability crisis, poor work/life balance, maybe a shift of social values towards-

ROCKY

OR MAYBE SOMETHING ON PLANET IS EATING ASTROPHAGES, THE VERY THING WE'RE LOOKING FOR WHAT

RYAN GOSLING

Wow I bet that's it! But now we'll need to gather a sample from the atmosphere, which neither of our ships is designed to do and I must say, a bit of a whoopsie on the design division there.

ROCKY

WELL MY SHIP IS BIG AND MASSIVE SO LET'S TAKE YOUR DINKY ASS SHIP INTO THE HOSTILE ATMOSPHERE

RYAN GOSLING

Sounds like a plan!

EXT. HOSTILE ATMOSPHERE PLANET NAMED AFTER ROCKY'S MATE, BULLWINKLE

RYAN and ROCKY prepare to gather the sample!

RYAN GOSLING

Okay so my job is to use my brand-new pilot skills to navigate this brutal atmo, then use my brand-new spacewalking skills to gather our improvised sample collector all parkour-style, then more virtuosic flying to escape the aforementioned brutal amo. Your job is to sit inside your hamster ball.

ROCKY

HEY I BUILT THE DANGLY CHAIN COLLECTOR DOODAD PLUS I'M IN CHARGE OF THE PLAYLIST

They FLY INTO ATMO and get a nice big scoop of mint-chocolate-chip atmosphere, but then a FUEL TANK BURSTS and suddenly everything is SPINNING and STROBING and FLASHING and RYAN'S HEAD BASHES into the console!!

ROCKY

OKAY I GUESS I CAN DO ONE OTHER THING

ROCKY heroically leaves his hamster ball, flips the CRISIS OFF button, and drags RYAN to the WACKY ARMS ROBOT!

BITTER NEGLECTED ROBOT

Oh, NOW you remember I exist. Fine, fine, I'll help.

(tends to Ryan)

ROCKY

THANKS BUDDY I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE OXIDIZING TO DEATH OR WHATEVER

(becomes charcoal briquette)

INT. THE BROTHERLY SHOVE HAIL MARY - A WHILE LATER

RYAN regains consciousness and finds ROCKY back in the hamsterball, horribly wounded.

RYAN GOSLING

Shit, what do I do?

(covers Rocky in Miracle-Gro)

Here's hoping that works. To the samples!

RYAN does indeed find ASTROPHAGE-EATING AMEOBAS in the samples, YAY, which gives ROCKY enough time to do a full E.T. REVIVAL MOMENT.

ROCKY

CONGRATS RYAN, LOOK AT MY COOL PARTY THREADS THAT I BUILT TO CELEBRATE. THEY ARE ALL SPIKY SINCE MY SPECIES USES DAREDEVIL-VISION

RYAN GOSLING

Huzzah! And I made you a tiny paper hat so nobody forgets who's the engineer on this crew.

INT. AIRLOCK TUBE BETWEEN THE TWO SHIPS - SEVERAL AMOEBA-BREEDING CYCLES LATER

RYAN and ROCKY are returning to their respective ships.

RYAN GOSLING

Well, now we have the materials to save our worlds, and we somehow fixed my fuel tanks that appeared to be outright jettisoned and destroyed. Guess this is... goodbye.

ROCKY

DO NOT WORRY HUMAN, YOU ARE... KENOUGH.

They bid their final farewells and oh whoops, I seem to have spilled a pitcher of salt water all over my keyboard somehow. How silly of me. One moment... okay moving on, RYAN and ROCKY reprise their cute dance moves to each other and oh dear I think a pipe burst in my ceiling, how bothersome. Ahem. Anyway, RYAN gives a simple wave and DID YOU KNOW ROCKY WAS AT TAU CETI LONGER THAN RYAN'S BEEN ALIVE, WHEN RYAN WAS A KID LOOKING AT THE STARS ROCKY WAS OUT THERE WAITING ALL ALONE IM GONNA GO GET A MOP BE RIGHT BACK

INT. THE TUSH PUSH HAIL MARY - SOME TIME LATER

RYAN is woken from cryo-sleep by ALARMS!

RYAN GOSLING

Oh crap, the amoebas are eating through the cannisters we bred them in! I knew we shouldn't have spliced their DNA with Mountain Dew Baja Blast!

(stuffs amoebas in zip-locs)

And, shit, Rocky doesn't have any zip-locs. But I can't go to Earth AND save Rocky--what do I do?!?!?

(sees entire audience making giant puppy dog eyes)

Well yeah.

RYAN packs the AMOEBAS in a set of shuttles named after ONE DIRECTION and then goes and saves ROCKY! Presumably their reunion is all heartwarming but the entire theatre got plunged into some kind of giant aquarium tank at that point so I'm not sure.

INT. SIMULATED EARTH HABITAT - ROCKY'S WORLD

RYAN wakes up in his fun new zoo enclosure!

ROCKY

GOOD MORNING FRIEND. OUR DEEP SPACE INSTRUMENTS INDICATE EVERYONE ON EARTH IS SAFE NOW, EVEN JAMES MARSDEN AND FAMKE JANSSEN

RYAN GOSLING

Hooray, now I can enjoy my new life of teaching alien kids! Hey class! Who can tell me the speed of light while holding onto a BALL OF LAVA?!?

ROCK KIDS

YAAAAAYY WE LOVE LAVA

RYAN GOSLING

Hm, gotta tweak the lesson plan.

END