FADE IN:

EXT. 15TH-CENTURY PARIS

The HELL'S COLLEGE CHOIR harmonizes over the suddenly 15,000-FOOT-TALL NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL. Back at sea level, PAUL KANDEL and his hand puppet, MONSIEUR CHAPEAU, frame our story for a group of CHILDREN.

PAUL KANDEL

Listen. They're terrifying, no? So many unwelcoming voices, so many spine-chilling organ chords. Because, you know, the promos for this movie may have misled you.

MONSIEUR CHAPEAU

They did?

PAUL KANDEL

They sure did, Monsieur Chapeau. I mean, the happy colorful stuff is THERE, don't get me wrong, but there's also a LOT of mature subject matter before and after that. Honestly, all of you might appreciate this more if you wait until your 20s to see it.

CHILDREN

(don't leave)

PAUL KANDEL

I'll have nightmare indemnity waivers for you to sign later.

(to tune of "The Bells of Notre Dame")

You'll want your parents on hand to explain

All the themes of Notre Dame

Desire and repression, debasement and pain

These are scenes in Notre Dame

With a hero deformed and decrepit

And a villain who murdered his mom

And that's just the intro

So let's all strap in for the themes...

The themes of Notre Dame!

INT. BELL TOWER

TOM HULCE opens the window overlooking the CITY SQUARE. He settles into his SPLINTERY WOODEN ARMCHAIR with a bucket of STALE BREAD CRUSTS and a nice frosty mug of WELL WATER. His gargoyle friends, CHARLES KIMBROUGH and MARY WICKES, and there was no THIRD GARGOYLE, you're all remembering wrong, MANDELA EFFECT, it happens, join him.

TOM HULCE

Ready to tune in to Gypsy Party Day coverage? Hope we didn't miss the pre-show. They got Reynard de Sicreste to host again.

CHARLES KIMBROUGH

Tom, Gypsy Party Day is happening in real life right outside. Why don't you go see it for yourself?

TOM HULCE

Oh, I can't do that. Master Jay warned me not to.

MARY WICKES

Let me guess: He said you're a repulsive twisted meat-thing who will instantly receive the violent, unrepentant scorn of the masses. Which is the sort of thing he says every day because he resents having to keep you alive if he wants to avoid federal pound-me-in-the-ass hell.

TOM HULCE

Yes... that... but also that this is 15th-century Paris, the second-largest city in medieval Europe. He says the farther up I am, the safer I'll be. Otherwise...

(to tune of "Out There")

Wade down there

Ankle-deep in crap!

Just by breathing down there

You could get the clap

From half the women!

Down there

All the kids have bugs in their hair!

Rancid food!

Smoggy air!

Best to skip that trip down there!

CHARLES KIMBROUGH

But, Tom, if you go, you could snag some of those delicious sugared almonds Tony brought that one time. I think that's worth a brush with rampant disease.

TOM HULCE

Well, I DID like those sugared almonds. And that WAS the one nice thing he does every three months or so to keep me compliant. So if anything happens to me, it'll really be his fault.

He sneaks outside, where PAUL is hosting the FESTIVITIES.

PAUL KANDEL

(to tune of "Topsy Turvy")

Once a year we pause this Middle Ages shit!

Once a year the city square gets fucking lit!

Even you uptight Parisians must admit:

Nothing else beats Gypsy Party Day!

Put aside all thoughts of work and chores and bills!

Who needs moderation?

Come and drink your fill!

Plus we all hate Tony

So let's get up in his grill!

How?

REVELERS

GYP-SY PAR-TY!

PAUL KANDEL

Turning Paris into Vegas!

REVELERS

GYP-SY PAR-TY!

PAUL KANDEL

Making you forget you hate us!

Let your inhibitions blow away!

Get it crunk on Gypsy Party Day!

Off to the side, JUDGE TONY JAY keeps an eye on things, accompanied by CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE.

JUDGE TONY JAY

I can't believe I have to do this again. Every member of the ethnic group I detest has gathered in a relatively confined space in my city, and I have to let them enjoy themselves. Being in charge of local law enforcement sure has its downsides.

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

Well, damn, if that's how you feel, you could just have me and the other guards wander through the crowd and gut them all.

JUDGE TONY JAY

Say...

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

I was being sarcastic.

JUDGE TONY JAY

Yeah, but say...

Then dancer DEMI MOORE begins her performance.

JUDGE TONY JAY

(seethes)

Ugh, check out that skank. I bet she only gives it up for attractive men closer to her age without religious hangups.

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

(entranced)

They drew her with her Disclosure boobs. Nice.

JUDGE TONY JAY

(looks closer)

Damn. You're right.

DEMI MOORE

(stops dancing)

Okay, I think you've all had enough. Time to kill those boners with the "ugliest face in Paris" contest.

CROWD

TO-NY! TO-NY! TO-NY! TO-NY!

JUDGE TONY JAY

(seeeeeethes)

DEMI MOORE

Yeah, I know, but he's won as a write-in 15 consecutive times. This year we'll mix it up with... let's see... THAT guy.

(brings up TOM)

What do we think?

CROWD

TOM! TOM! TOM! TOM! TOM!

JUDGE TONY JAY

(seeeeeeeeeeethes)

Kevin, do something.

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

What, you WANT the Golden Mole Rat trophy this year?

JUDGE TONY JAY

Turn them upside down and the teeth make surprisingly effective robe hooks... look, that's not the point! Just whip up everyone into humiliating the repulsive twisted meat-thing!

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

(shrugs)

Have at it, boys.

The other GUARDS, followed by the CROWD, pelt TOM with VARIOUS SPLATTY FOODSTUFFS.

DEMI MOORE

(rushes to his side)

Hold it! HOLD IT! Now I realize I kind of started this by mistaking him for an entrant, but there'll be none of this mass jerkassery at MY Gypsy Party Day! FOR SHAME!

CROWD

(ashamed)

JUDGE TONY JAY

(SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETHES)

Kevin, arrest her.

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

For what? Quelling large-scale disorderly conduct?

JUDGE TONY JAY

STOP MAKING SENSE AND DO AS I SAY!

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

(sighs)

The union did NOT get us a good enough deal for this.

(approaches DEMI)

DEMI MOORE

(bends down slightly)

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

(brain stops working)

DEMI MOORE

Never fails.

She puts her arm around TOM and returns him to...

INT. NOTRE-DAME

...where ARCHDEACON DAVID OGDEN STIERS greets them.

ARCHDEACON DAVID OGDEN STIERS

Tom, my dear boy, are you all right? Did Tony abuse the guardianship I browbeat him into accepting again?

TOM HULCE

(spits out wad of half-rotted cabbage)

Yeah, but I won the "ugliest face in Paris" contest, which means I scored two 35%-off-game-play coupons for Chez Davout et Boustère. Not that those'll do me much good, because Tony will never let me hear the end of this, but a win's a win, right? So is it cool if Demi stays over?

ARCHDEACON DAVID OGDEN STIERS

You mean you... with her... and you'll...

DEMI MOORE

Geez, nothing like that. I tried to do him a solid to make up for the ugly thing, and now he's trying to do one for me. I just need a place to crash long enough to get Tony or Kevin or whoever off my shit.

TOM HULCE

I don't know about that, Demi. Don't underestimate Tony when he's motivated. Believe me, we know. We KNOW.

DEMI MOORE

How about when I'M motivated?

(picks up a large candelabra and spins it like a bo staff)

TOM HULCE

(entranced)

You're seriously the coolest chick ever. Tony always said people like you were--

DEMI MOORE

(holds up hand)

Yeah, I can guess. For someone he raised almost from birth, you're pretty cool too. It's nice to know SOMEONE in this city looks at me with something other than contempt or lust.

TOM HULCE

Sounds like you've brained a lot of people with candelabras in your time.

DEMI MOORE

Amazingly, no, I haven't.

(to tune of "God Help the Outcasts")

Why should my heart stay

So open and kind?

If Tony got knifed, I

Don't think I would mind

Fuck all them racists!

Those ignorant clods!

I'd like to bring them

Closer to God!

(sighs)

Sadly, as many places as this movie is going, it's definitely not going there. So you wanna blow this joint and cruise over to the 24-hour gypsy party pad? We have cookies.

TOM HULCE

Sounds great! Let me just BLUUUUURK

(toxic codependency kicks in)

DEMI MOORE

Oh. I see. Well, if you ever fight your way through that, just go to the perfumery on Rue Mouffetard and ask for a three-ounce vial of sesame oil. They'll understand.

(blows this joint)

TOM HULCE

She's incredible. And she actually talked to me instead of screaming WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? at first glance. If only I could break Tony's strangehold on my psyche long enough to be the man she deserves.

(to tune of "Heaven's Light")

So many times have I

Observed these abled guys

Who can't get this whole "date" thing right

They have a stench of fail about them

I pity those poor girls they like

Don't make her wait too long

But don't come on too strong

No, there's a proper balance one must strike

I know how I would bring the romance

If I just had a girl to like!

And now that I've met Demi

It's all so clear

For her I'm planning out the perfect night:

We'd stroll through Tuileries

Or cruise Île Saint-Louis

Then stop at some café to grab a bite

I'd kiss her as the moon glows bright

That's how I'd treat the girl I like!

INT. TONY'S 24-HOUR ANTI-GYPSY PARTY PAD

Meanwhile, TONY desperately tries to keep his NO FAP EVER commitment.

JUDGE TONY JAY

(to tune of "Hellfire")

What up, Blessed Mary?

It's been a minute, how've you been?

I could really use a girl's advice

It's bad, Blessed Mary

I've done so well avoiding sin

I've passed up sex

Thought smugness would suffice

But now, Blessed Mary

I have such licentious thoughts

Almost like I'm back to age fourteen!

Must own her

Must bone her

That Demi's just so crazy hot

And next week she'll be stripping on my screen!

I'm horngry!

So horngry!

So horngry I'll explode!

That gypsy

Gets crispy

If she won't take... my... load!

Suddenly he's surrounded by the GHOSTS OF A HUNDRED DEAD INCELS.

JUDGE TONY JAY

It's all her fault!

INCEL GHOSTS

GET SOME HELP BRO

JUDGE TONY JAY

That slutty bitch!

INCEL GHOSTS

GET SOME HELP BRO

JUDGE TONY JAY

What did she think would happen when she flashed them tits?

INCEL GHOSTS

LIKE FOR REAL GET SOME HELP BRO

JUDGE TONY JAY

It's all her fault!

So here's my deal:

If it's by fire or by dick

I make her squeal!

The INCEL GHOSTS disappear, replaced by THE VIRGIN MARY.

THE VIRGIN MARY

Okay, you want my help? Done. She's gone.

JUDGE TONY JAY

You mean you killed her?

THE VIRGIN MARY

Wh-what? No! I saw to it that she escaped the cathedral without getting caught. You know, to keep HER a safe distance from YOU.

JUDGE TONY JAY

...I don't get it.

THE VIRGIN MARY

You would if you didn't listen to those weird podcasts. This isn't gonna end well for you, boo.

(disappears)

JUDGE TONY JAY

Whore.

EXT. THE NEXT DAY

An exhausted TONY shuffles over to KEVIN and the rest of the GUARDS.

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

Shit, you okay, dude?

JUDGE TONY JAY

(horngover)

Yeah... fine... anyone got food? Something greasy?

SOME GUARD

(tosses him a croque monsieur)

JUDGE TONY JAY

(eats it in two bites)

That's better. All right, go find Demi. I don't care what it takes. Burn down homes, slaughter horses, torture nuns, whatever, just bring her to me alive so I can raaaaaa-mind her about the importance of public decency. Go.

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

That seems like a lot for one person who didn't actually--

JUDGE TONY JAY

NO YOU'RE BEING A PSYCHOTIC CREEP!

(yeets him aside)

Now where could she be? We last saw her going into the cathedral, but I had mooks every six feet around the perimeter. So who could have helped her sneak out? The Archdeacon, who hates me? Pretty much any worshipper, who probably hates me? The gargoyles, who would hate me if they were anthropomorphized?

While he ponders, DEMI casually strolls by to grab KEVIN and take him to...

INT. BELL TOWER

...where TOM, CHARLES, and MARY are witnessing the UTTER DEVASTATION OF PARIS.

MARY WICKES

Tom, you really ought to change the channel. It's not healthy to doomwatch the news all day.

CHARLES KIMBROUGH

I agree. What else is on?

MARY WICKES

(flips through Le Guide du Fenêtrevision)

Hmmm... Young Sheldon reruns?

CHARLES KIMBROUGH

Ugh. News it is.

TOM HULCE

I couldn't look away if I wanted to. Demi risked her life to escape this place. Tony could have made furniture from her skin already, for all we know.

DEMI MOORE

(strolls in)

He didn't.

TOM HULCE

HONEY! I mean, DEMI!

DEMI MOORE

Uh... yeah. Anyway, the guy's closer to furniture status than I am. Do you have any sacramental wine to pour on his open wounds?

She carries in a semi-conscious KEVIN.

TOM HULCE

(sadly)

Oh. Yeah. I've got some.

(goes to look for it)

DEMI MOORE

Tom? What's wrong?

TOM HULCE

Nothing.

DEMI MOORE

You sure? Because you got really frowny all of a sudden.

TOM HULCE

I'm FINE.

DEMI MOORE

(rolls eyes)

You're not seriously jealous of Kevin, are you?

TOM HULCE

Well, look! He's a slab of golden barrel-chested masculinity, and you're obviously into him, and you two are probably going to fuck in an apse as soon as he can stand. So there go my date-night plans. And you can imagine how Tinder has worked out for me.

He goes off to pout, but he barrels into TONY.

TOM HULCE

Oh! Tony! How nice to see you!

JUDGE TONY JAY

Tom, is there anything you want to tell me?

TOM HULCE

(anemically grinning)

Um... about what?

JUDGE TONY JAY

About something you've been keeping to yourself?

TOM HULCE

(visibly sweating)

I'm not keeping anything.

JUDGE TONY JAY

Nothing at all? Not even about a certain... woman we know?

TOM HULCE

(teeth nearly chattering)

What woman?

JUDGE TONY JAY

Long hair, silk skirt, renowned for her many virtues...

TOM HULCE

DEMI'S JUST A STACY WHO'S GIVING HER PUSSY TO THAT CHAD KEVIN IN THE BACK RIGHT NOW EVEN THOUGH I'M SUCH A NICE GUY!

JUDGE TONY JAY

(blinks)

I meant the Virgin Mary. I wanted your advice about making her tell me where Demi went.

TOM HULCE

Oh. Uh, is it too late to--

TONY finds DEMI and arrests her!

INT. PERFUMERY ON RUE MOUFFETARD

TOM and a now-conscious KEVIN run in.

TOM HULCE

(whispering)

I'm telling you, that's what she said! Just ask him and see what happens!

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

I'd like to buy some sesame oil, please. A four-ounce vial.

SHOPKEEPER

Ah. But of course.

He goes to the middle of the SHOP FLOOR and begins carefully inserting a BOUQUET OF IRISES into his BUTT.

TOM HULCE

(whispering)

I said THREE!

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

Oh, sorry. That's a three-ounce vial.

SHOPKEEPER

(removes irises)

Thank heaven.

He pulls on a BOTTLE, swinging the whole shop 180 degrees around and revealing the 24-HOUR GYPSY PARTY PAD. The SHOPKEEPER turns out to be PAUL!

PAUL KANDEL

Wait, aren't you both Tony's mooks? Are you gonna burn this place too?

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

(entranced)

Oh HELL no. Look at this place! Music, cookies, sacrilegious axe-throwing...

(drifts off)

TOM HULCE

Actually, we're here to get your help. Tony got a hold of Demi, and we need you guys to do your acrobat fire trickery or whatever to save her.

PAUL KANDEL

Yes, well, I'm afraid it's too late for that. Most of us have served our purpose in this story, so the badass rescue scene is down to you. And by "you" I mostly mean Tom.

TOM HULCE

(groans)

Then why did we even come here?

PAUL KANDEL

Another darkly comedic musical number. HIT IT!

(singing)

Eating your liver and washing it down with--

TOM drags KEVIN away from the ANIMATRONIC GOAT SINGERS and takes him up to...

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

...where TONY is preparing to execute DEMI.

JUDGE TONY JAY

I heard you're not all that into nice guys. You prefer Chads who know how to give it to you rough. Well, here you are, tied up in front of me. Is THAT what you wanted? Or would you rather I take you over my knee and punish you for being a naughty girl?

DEMI MOORE

(throws up in mouth a little)

JUDGE TONY JAY

You, uh, don't seem turned on.

DEMI MOORE

I don't think I'll ever have sex again after hearing that.

JUDGE TONY JAY

Whore.

Before he can try FIRE PLAY on her, TOM leaps in and carries DEMI away!

JUDGE TONY JAY

(chases after them)

Tom, remember what you said before! She's a dumb Stacy! She doesn't deserve you! I have some podcast episodes you should--

TOM HULCE

YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM!

(kicks TONY off a ledge)

JUDGE TONY JAY

(goes through a regular top-three contender for violent Disney villain deaths)

A mighty cheer goes up from the CITIZENS OF PARIS, who will never be RACIST or TOXICALLY MASCULINE again.

CAPTAIN KEVIN KLINE

So can Demi and I fuck in an apse now?

TOM HULCE

You think I'm gonna stop you after all that?

END