FADE IN:

INT. PREVIOUSLY, ON BEAUTIFUL DISASTER...

VIRGINIA GARDNER

The whole reason I came here was to escape the seedy overbelly of my father's gambling problem.

ANNOUNCER AKSHAY KUMAR

...a lot of you still remember him as a pint-sized Disney Channel brat, BUT HE'S INKED AND RIPPED NOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!

VIRGINIA GARDNER

...don't actually try to sleep with me, make out with me, take me on a date, make conversation with me...

DYLAN SPROUSE

...you could just not spend time with me and ignore me for the rest of your life.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

I'm irresistibly attracted to Dylan despite all better judgment.

DYLAN SPROUSE

Can we just fuck already and give the fans what they want?

VIRGINIA GARDNER

(jumps into his lap and grinds)

I heard my dad saying he never owed Rob anything.... I guess everything's fine.

DYLAN SPROUSE

Awesome. What do we do now?

END CREDITS

(set up forthcoming wedding sequel)

JESS M.

(lifts head and screams)

EXT. VEGAS

DYLAN and VIRGINIA wake up married.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

What?! No. We're 19. We've known each other for about six weeks. We spend all our time fighting and destroying furniture in clumsy attempts to have sex. We can't be married. How could we have possibly have gotten ourselves into this?

DYLAN SPROUSE

(recounts the events of the first movie exactly as they happened)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Oh, yeah, that tracks.

They get a call from mob boss ROB ESTES.

ROB ESTES

And by the way, everything's NOT fine. I want the money your dad never actually owed me.

EMMANUEL KABONGO

(crushes phone in one hand)

Don't worry about him. I'll smuggle you into Mexico.

DYLAN SPROUSE

Wait, who are you?

EMMANUEL KABONGO

DO WHAT THE FUCK I SAY.

DYLAN and VIRGINIA get into this guy's HELICOPTER.

DYLAN SPROUSE

You know, maybe we wouldn't get ourselves into situations like this if we took five seconds to THINK.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

But responding to the introduction of every improbable plot beat by blindly following it is our whole thing. For example: Let's not immediately annul our drunken quickie Vegas wedding and instead have a romantic honeymoon while on the run from the mob.

DYLAN SPROUSE

We're supposed to be in college, right?

EXT. MEXICO

DYLAN and VIRGINIA arrive in MEXICO, where they meet honeymoon destination owner STEVEN BAUER, who is actually of LATIN AMERICAN EXTRACTION yet is doing THIS:

STEVEN BAUER

(shoves donkeys underneath them)

Bienvenidos a Me-hee-co, mes amigos! I invite you to eat MUY tacos, undergo MUY questionable cosmetic procedures, and take MUY uncomfortable shits! ANDALE!

(dances around large pile of weed)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

No way we're going to have a happy romantic time with a kickoff that embarrassing, right?

DYLAN SPROUSE

Well, not with an attitude like that. Let's give it a try.

They attempt to have SEX with their SHIRTS on.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Um... Dylan?

DYLAN SPROUSE

Yeah?

VIRGINIA GARDNER

We haven't taken any hallucinogenics yet, have we?

DYLAN SPROUSE

Not that I recall.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Then why is there a smiling yellow cartoon penis floating above us?

SMILING YELLOW CARTOON PENIS

Hi, I'm Dicky!

DYLAN SPROUSE

(looks)

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

SMILING YELLOW CARTOON PENIS

I'm the honeymoon assistant and my job is to help you navigate your own bodies. Do you need assistance?

DYLAN SPROUSE

NO! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

SMILING YELLOW CARTOON PENIS

It looks like you're both so bad at sex that one of you may end up with a severed spinal cord. Would you like help?

(* Get help with intercourse)

(* Just have intercourse without help)

([] Don't show me this tip, or shaft, or scrotum, again)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Um... the last one?

SMILING YELLOW CARTOON PENIS

(disappears and never comes back)

(BUT STILL APPEARED THE FIRST TIME)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

I can't. I honestly cannot. None of what we've seen so far could POSSIBLY have come from the creative spark of a professional writer. This was a dare that writer/director Roger Kumble made to himself to shit out the most ridiculous movie possible, just to see if Voltage Pictures would actually produce it. That HAS to be what's going on here, because otherwise there is no. Fucking. Excuse.

DYLAN SPROUSE

But what if--

VIRGINIA GARDNER

If we have to read the book to see if this is author Jamie McGuire's fault, I QUIT. Let's have a fucking marriage.

DYLAN SPROUSE

(blows her off for televised sports)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

(keeps a detailed log of every stupid thing he does and reads it back to him)

DYLAN SPROUSE

(makes it up to her with a humiliating costumed serenade)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

(forgets it and enjoys their tropical vacation until he screws up again)

DYLAN SPROUSE

(thwarts her lifelong dream)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

(gets mad because he had a sex life before he met her)

DYLAN/VIRGINIA

(get stupidly jealous when they interact with members of the opposite sex other than each other)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Well, this sure is a fucking marriage.

DYLAN SPROUSE

Straight out of a 90s network sitcom.

EXT. THE NEXT DAY

VIRGINIA gets her ass kicked by a THREE-FOOT-TALL LUCHADORA and has existential conversations with a former REAL HOUSEWIFE OF BEVERLY HILLS.

Meanwhile, DYLAN eats increasingly hot PEPPERS, plays VAGUELY HOMOEROTIC BEACH GAMES with his FOUR BROTHERS, and fails to stop the ROOSTERS he rescued from a COCKFIGHTING RING from destroying his BEDROOM.

Meanwhile, ROB, who arrived later to get his MONEY, tries to win back the SILENT BLACK BOYFRIEND he blew off in the PROCESS.

You guys, I'm really struggling here. This is what trying to satirize the Trump presidency felt like: No joke or exaggeration one invents can possibly stand up to what actually happens. For God's sake, there was a smiling yellow cartoon penis! Who can do anything with that?!

EXT. CHURCH

DYLAN and VIRGINIA meet with priest-in-training ALEX AIONO.

ALEX AIONO

Now I believe that couples can overcome just about any problem if they speak honestly and in good faith. And most importantly, as a former heroin addict who lost everything, I believe that anyone is capable of redemption. So why don't you tell me why you're here today?

DYLAN SPROUSE

I caught Virginia in bed with Neil Bishop, the guy she went out with that one time in the last movie and is also here.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

But I only snuck into Neil's bed without his knowledge so I could take a picture with him to send to Dylan, who let two random sluts get a hold of his phone and answer my FaceTime call with their tops off, leading me to assume the worst.

DYLAN SPROUSE

Which they were only able to do because I failed to immediately shut down their blatant flirting, twice, which only happened because I was mad at Virginia for having a conversation with you.

ALEX AIONO

(slowly realizing there is no God)

Um... okay... uh, why don't we start from the beginning? How did you two get together?

DYLAN/VIRGINIA

(recount the events of both movies exactly as they happened)

ALEX AIONO

(shoots up)

Yup. You're hopeless. Annulment. Get one.

(passes out)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Fine with me. Let's do it.

ROB ESTES

NOT. SO. FAST.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

(groans)

Save it, Rob. Whatever nefarious plan you've cooked up isn't going to keep us together this time. Steal my money, beat the shit out of him, I don't care anymore.

ROB ESTES

What? No, I've stopped caring about all that. I'm here to tell you not to make the mistake I've made. When you find true love, you have to hang on to it and never let go.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

(blinks)

You... you can't believe this is true love. You CAN'T.

ROB ESTES

But I can.

DYLAN'S BROTHERS

(jump down from palm trees)

So can we.

LIBE BARER

(emerges from beneath a giant sombrero)

And me.

AUSTIN NORTH

(pops out of a giant bowl of guacamole)

And me.

NEIL BISHOP

(falls off the back of a lowrider)

And me.

STEVEN BAUER

(strums a guitarrón)

¡Y yo!

TWO RANDOM SLUTS

(present the weather forecast)

And we.

ALEX AIONO

(offers a semi-conscious thumbs-up)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

STOP IT! STOP IT! None of you believe this! You've just seen both movies! You know we're too young and too immature to hold a conversation, and you also know that not even the sex is worth saving! You're all being forced to pretend otherwise at the whim of an insufferably smug and talentless book author who I really hope reads this very line and leaves an angry comment about it! I beg you, free your minds from the shackles of Jamie McGuire and think sensibly for once!

DYLAN SPROUSE

Um... actually...

VIRGINIA GARDNER

What, you agree with them?

DYLAN SPROUSE

Virginia, think about it. There's one reason for us to stay together. One reason the cast came back. One reason Roger Kumble wrote and directed a sequel. One reason this script is being written right now, by the same writer of the scripts for all five After movies, even though nobody asked for any of them.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Ohhhh. Of course.

(turns to everyone else)

All right, you win. And since we're all here: Alex, how about officiating our vow renewal?

ALEX AIONO

(may be dead by now)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Okay, Steven, how about you?

STEVEN BAUER

¡Excellente!

(ties the corners of his poncho to four palm trees to create a makeshift altar)

DYLAN SPROUSE

Cool. I, Dylan, vow to continue committing the sunk cost fallacy for all eternity in the service of my "love" for Virginia.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Yeah, what he said. Let's party.

They all dance and drink and fuck the NIGHT away, safe in the knowledge that none of the BROTHERS' GIRLFRIENDS were mentioned, which means we're probably safe from FOUR OTHER JAMIE MCGUIRE ADAPTATIONS.

Probably.

END