FADE IN:

INT. PREVIOUSLY, IN AFTER EVER HAPPY...

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

...I've been trying to save Hero from his demons over and over again....

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

...I choose darkness.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

I'm done.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Ditto....

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

...I feel like the only way we're ever going to get a grip on our lives is if we put thousands of miles between us and leave them there....

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

By the way, I've written a book about our relationship....

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

You really think I want you spilling your guts about our relationship to the world?...

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

...will you take me back?

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

Later!

INT. LONDON

HERO texts JOSEPHINE nonstop.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

y u mad? havent punched anyone in a week. i know ur mad about the book but its a redemption story.

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

but u havent redeemed urself idiot

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

i will once u take me back

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

omg stfu. i tried being responsible for fixing u. im done now. do it urself while i find a man who doesnt sound the way liam gallagher smells.

HERO channels his DESPAIR into a meeting with book publisher ROSA ESCODA.

ROSA ESCODA

I decided you were worth a six-figure advance. Send me a second opus about your inability to get over your college girlfriend before I regret it.

(actual line)

You have a tiny window of relevance, and it's dwindling every day.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

No kidding. I'm pretty sure The Editing Room is the only website where someone still cares enough to write about me, for reasons even she can't explain. I'll get you a draft after I complete my character growth.

ROSA ESCODA

That'll never happen if you keep reducing your life to your relationship with Josephine. Maybe you'd have something to write about if you did anything other than drink and mope and drink and drink and text and drink and turn down hotter women and drink and drink and drink.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Hmmm. That's an idea. Maybe I'll travel overseas to beg forgiveness from the woman I wronged.

ROSA ESCODA

(facepalms)

What did I just say about reducing--

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

No, not Josephine. Someone else.

ROSA ESCODA

THERE'S ANOTHER ONE?!

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Yes. And to prove I'm serious about having something else going on, I'll briefly consider banging a flight attendant.

He pounds back a whole bottle of UNSPECIFIED WHISKEY while ROSA frantically scours WATTPAD for its most popular ED SHEERAN FANFIC.

INT. FLASHBACK--FIVE YEARS BEFORE (GET IT?)

HERO gets MIMI KEENE in bed.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Mind if I film this so I can jack off to it instead of having to call you ever again?

MIMI KEENE

Yeah, I kind of do, actually.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But when I say "I," I really do mean "I" and not "I and my gross douchebag friend who owes me a watch if I give him proof that I fucked you." For example.

MIMI KEENE

I'm convinced.

EXT. PRESENT DAY--PORTUGAL

It has many RED-TILED ROOFS. The CINEMATOGRAPHER wants you to know. So, HERO tracks down MIMI at her WORKPLACE.

MIMI KEENE

You stalked me to the foreign country where I moved after you destroyed my reputation and, with it, my dreams for the future. You're instantly the asshole.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But it was the only way to convince you I'm less of an asshole now!

MIMI KEENE

And a hell of a job you did. OUT.

(five minutes later)

Want to consume alcohol and food with me?

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

You had me at "alcohol."

But he actually does consume FOOD, which is new for him.

MIMI KEENE

So, I read your book.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

I figured you'd burn anything that had my name printed on the cover.

MIMI KEENE

That would have been the logical response, but we're going with the idea that your weepy, booze-soaked scribblings about not getting over your ex really are that compelling. So has she stopped being your ex?

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Not yet. I figured once you accepted my forgiveness, she would too.

MIMI KEENE

That's... not how this works. At all. But somehow you do get my forgiveness. Come with me and my friends and we'll all enjoy Portugal's magnificent scenery and gastronomy.

PORTUGAL

Actually, we don't want this endorsement. Go film these scenes in Croatia so we can get out of this.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

I think you'll find "getting out of this" is something I'll never allow anyone to do.

He joins MIMI and her friend BENJAMIN MASCOLO.

BENJAMIN MASCOLO

Come jump off a cliff with me.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Oh, I don't know--

THE REAL WORLD

HE TOLD YOU TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF. FUCKING DO IT.

He does. The CLIFF loses.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Well, did that. Thanks for not outing me as the sex criminal who ruined your life, Mimi, but I've got another Josephine-missing montage at 4. Later.

He texts JOSEPHINE again.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

jumped off a cliff 2day

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

did u die?

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

evidently not

JOSEPHINE LANGFORD

FUCK

HERO resumes trying to redeem himself by drinking not ONE but TWO NONALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES!

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Anyway, Mimi, the real problem with me and Josephine is that I thought writing a book about our godawful relationship would be a good resource for other people in godawful relationships. She didn't see it that way.

MIMI KEENE

Or maybe she finally realized your godawful relationship really was godawful.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

That's ridiculous. The sex was great.

MIMI KEENE

So was ours, UNTIL YOU SPREAD IT TO EVERYONE. You understand?

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But you forgave me.

MIMI KEENE

And I also told you that's not how--ugh, forget it. Let's go drink some more.

They do.

BENJAMIN MASCOLO

By the way, I know all about how you ruined Mimi's life, and I don't care if she forgave you or not. You haven't learned anything. You haven't become better. Your redemption quest is going nowhere. The best thing for everyone involved would be for you to go to an inpatient addiction treatment facility and stay there until you qualify to be a counselor yourself. Then MAYBE, one day, you can stop being a complete piece of shit.

Instead, HERO beats him up and goes to JAIL. His father, STEPHEN MOYER, bails him out.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Aren't you a little tired of having to do this after you falsely confessed to my arson in the last movie? Did anything ever come of that, by the way?

STEPHEN MOYER

No, nobody ever spoke of it again. And, yes, I AM tired of this. We all are. So here's an idea nobody's brought up yet: Keep caring about Josephine without having sex with her.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

(silent)

STEPHEN MOYER

Well?

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Sorry, I'm just trying to wrap my mind around this. I mean... caring about a woman without having sex with her? Is that POSSIBLE?

EXT. FASTEST REDEMPTION ARC IN LIVING MEMORY

HERO stops drinking, resumes writing, enjoys more of PORTUGAL, makes peace with STEPHEN, stabilizes his relationship with stepbrother CHANCE PERDOMO, asks for MIMI's consent before submitting the NEW MANUSCRIPT with her in it, and even wears a NONBLACK SHIRT!

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

But I'm also resigning myself to celibacy as long as Josephine lives. To that end, I'm considering joining a monastery. Being a monk is easier than being an addiction counselor, right?

PORTUGAL

Just leave. Please.

EXT. CHANCE'S WEDDING

HERO and JOSEPHINE are both in the WEDDING PARTY.

CHANCE PERDOMO

This is the worst idea I've ever had, isn't it?

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Chance, give me some credit. I've been here a whole two hours knowing that Josephine is here with Some Waiter as her date, and I haven't maimed him once.

CHANCE PERDOMO

Do you want to?

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

Yes, but that desire is at a low simmer when it would normally be boiling over.

CHANCE PERDOMO

Well, don't waste your time. She's resigned herself to celibacy as long as you live too.

HERO FIENNES TIFFIN

SHE HAS?!

He kills three bottles of UNSPECIFIED WHISKEY, lights his MANUSCRIPT on fire with a CANDLE, kicks STEPHEN in the balls, and carries off JOSEPHINE for a QUICKIE. They marry and solve JOSEPHINE'S GLOSSED-OVER FERTILITY PROBLEMS using the power of CODEPENDENCY.

RUMORED PREQUEL AND SIXTH SEQUEL

(mercifully absent from IMDb, which means this may actually be "everything")

END