FADE IN:

EXT. PAINTING OF CASTLE GRAYSKULL

NARRATOR

See this painting of a Castle Grayskull? Forget about it. The movie has more to do with an 80s music shop than this canon location. Skeletor's army waged war against He-Man's kingdom, resulting in the capture of The Sorceress. He is moments away from stealing all of the Sorceress's powers, ensuring that he will have ultimate god status. Some pretty exciting stuff happened off-screen. It would make a great movie, TBH.

INT. SKELETOR'S LAIR WITH REAL SHOOTING PROJECTILES AND TRAP FLOORS EXCLUSIVE AT KAYBE TOY STORES

FRANK LANGELLA, Skeletor, is fired up about the amazing things he conquered while we were listening to the narrator. MEG FOSTER, Evil-Lyn, must constantly appease his severe ADHD.

FRANK LANGELLA

I did it! I captured The Sorceress, and now I drain her of all cosmic magic, which will make me a god, the owner of Castle Grayskull, or the executioner of He-Man. The rules are a bit sketchy, but I am sure I will have one of those things by the end of the movie.

CHRISTINA PICKLES

Drain my magic powers all you want, but at least give me a chair to sit on. My heels are killing me.

MEG FOSTER

He-Man and his army are closing in on our location. Surely, you have a plan to stop him.

FRANK LANGELLA

My plan involves unbridled hatred and indecision toward what to do with him. Kill him. Make him bow to me. Kill him and then make him bow to me. Make him bow to me while I kill him. Have him kill me while bowing to me. Have me bow to him, while he kills me. I need one of these things to happen.

MEG FOSTER

Our mighty leader.

EXT. THE PART OF THE DESERT PLANET NOT BEING USED BY DUNE OR STAR WARS

DOLPH LUNDGREN and his merry band of warriors, JON CYPHER and CHELSEA FIELDS, plan another surgical strike against Skeletor.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Mattel Roll Call: He-Man with real swinging sword action. $9.99 at Toys R Us.

JON CYPHER

Man-At-Arms with projectile shooters and snap-on armor. $9.99 at Toys R Us.

CHELSEA FIELDS

Teela with a skintight aerobics suit and blaster. $9.99 at Toys R Us.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Let us surprise-attack the Vader Helmet Army and give Skeletor a lesson he won't forget.

DOLPH incapacitates the Vader Helmets and finds BILLY BARTY.

JON CYPHER

I found a Hobbit with advanced stage 4 Chlamydia.

CHELSEA FIELDS

Or a peach that has been rotting in the sun for a millennium.

BILLY BARTY

I am Gwildor, you idiots. I was tricked into building a synth keyboard teleporter for Skeletor. Now I regret it. Who knew that a walking reaper skeleton and a general named Evil-Lyn would have such sinister plans?

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Probably the same people who were worried my name wouldn't nail down which gender I am.

DOLPH and his raiding party use the teleporter to go to SKELETOR'S BASE.

INT. SKELETOR'S LAIR

FRANK LANGELLA is trying to finish his weekend chores when DOLPH busts in.

FRANK LANGELLA

He-Man! I hate you. Bow to me. Die at my feet. I love you. I hate you. Kill him. Promote him. Make him beg. Draw me like your French girls.

CHRISTINA PICKLES

And at least get me a chair while I wither away.

The genius military tactics of DOLPH have him completely outnumbered and ready to die. Luckily, BILLY BARTY turns on the teleporter. DOLPH switches the Vader Helmet army to Stormtrooper accuracy, allowing his team to escape.

FRANK LANGELLA

Don't let him get away with that extra teleporter. I am switching my entire mission to getting that teleporter. Forget everything I said thus far. He dropped it on the floor. Get it!

A grappling hook comes out of the portal and picks it up before FRANK can nab it.

FRANK LANGELLA

Forget the teleporter. I want that grappling hook. It has amazing accuracy and distance, even when traveling down a multiversal wormhole. I cannot stress enough how helpful that gadget would be.

MEG FOSTER

With He-Man and his warriors lost across the universe, we can just super fortify the base and wait out your master plan to achieve god powers by the next moonfall.

FRANK LANGELLA

Or....

MEG FOSTER

(sighs)

Waste resources and manpower chasing him, making the teleporter doo-hickey the main plot point.

FRANK LANGELLA

I'll get my coat.

EXT. EARTH, AMERICA EDITION

CUT TO EARTH, where the rest of the movie will happen because God forbid the 80s audience suspend their disbelief about a fantasy world without some reference to current reality.

DOLPH ponders how to get back to Skeletor's base, but then the group sees a cow and marvels at its ugliness, despite BILLY BARTY looking like a potato found in a World War II shelter.

And then they drop the teleporter on the ground. Because this conflict is not going to start on its own.

INT. GRAVEYARD WITH KEVIN AND JULIE

Also, forget about He-Man and his warriors. You really want to know about COURTNEY COX and ROBERT DUNCAN MCNEILL's high school romance. COURTNEY is at her parents' grave.

COURTNEY COX

I'm sorry, Mom and Dad, for not going on vacation with you and spending time with Robert, forcing you to go to Catalina Island on a broken passenger plane, resulting in your death.

ROBERT DUNCAN MCNEILL

Despite that tragic event, I still think we can make this relationship work.

(beat)

Look, a weird didgeridoo with synthesizer buttons. I bet if I hit every button on it, it will play a song. I am going to show this to my buddy at the music store.

COURTNEY COX

Does every male in this movie have ADHD?

INT. HIGH SCHOOL PROM

COURTNEY COX helps decorate the school gym for the prom, while ROBERT tells his music store buddy about a cool stick he found on the ground.

MEG FOSTER

Mattel Villain Rollcall!

TONY CARROLL

Beastman with retractable claws. $9.99 at Toys R Us.

ANTHONY DE LONGIS

Blade with three customizable swords. $9.99 at Toys R Us.

PONS MAAR

Saurod with a glow-in-the-dark helmet. $9.99 at Toys R Us.

ROBERT TOWERS

Karg with really old skin that looks like a leather purse was exposed to the Arizona sun. $9.99 at Toys R Us.

MEG FOSTER

Don't kill Courtney! She has a great future waiting for her in the late nineties.

All the henchmen throw lethal darts, start fires, and try to cut off COURTNEY's limbs.

MEG FOSTER

You guys really suck at non-lethal combat.

EXT. ALLEYWAY

Oh yea, He-Man is in this movie. COURTNEY bumps face-first into DOLPH's chiseled and oiled meaty pec.

COURTNEY COX

Chandler who? I mean...help me.

DOLPH, CHELSEA, and JON beat up the villains and escape. Meanwhile, BILLY looks like Willow after getting smashed by a cartoon steamroller.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

We need the teleporter to return to Castle Grayskull.

COURTNEY COX

It's at my boyfriend's favorite music shop.

JON CYPHER

I wasn't prepared for such a boring answer.

INT. MUSIC SHOP

Now that COURTNEY burned down the whole school, the one detective assigned to all of California is on her trail. JAMES TOLKAN is DETECTIVE LUDIC.

JAMES TOLKAN

I have dealt with a lot of riff-raff from high schoolers befriending elderly quantum time scientists and cocky jet pilots, but this is too much. Everyone is under arrest.

ROBERT DUNCAN MCNEILL

I am trying to tell you, a skeleton man is trying to kill my girlfriend to get my synthesizer. Why do you insist I am taking drugs?

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Skeletor's forces will be here any minute. We need to find a safe place for the teleporter.

COURTNEY COX

Hey, my deceased mom is outside holding a sorcerer's staff and cackling. I will give it to her.

COURTNEY'S MOM turns into MEG FOSTER.

EXT. THE VERY EMPTY STREETS OF CALIFORNIA

FRANK LANGELLA enters the world with an army in tow. All three police guards assigned to California are busy, so he gets free rein.

FRANK LANGELLA

Bring me the teleporter.

A FLYING HENCHMAN is about to deliver it when DOLPH uses the godsend grappling hook of perfect accuracy and steals it back.

FRANK LANGELLA

I really need to get myself one of those.

EXT. THE MUSIC SHOP ROOFTOP WITH GREAT ACOUSTICS

The action immediately returns to ROBERT and COURTNEY'S relationship because that is what the ten-year-olds really wanted to see in this live-action adaptation.

ROBERT DUNCAN MCNEILL

Courtney, you got some life-ending disease rash from one of Skeletor's henchmen. I think I love you even more.

COURTNEY COX

Since I am going to die, I think I can commit to a long-term relationship with you.

FRANK LANGELLA closes in on DOLPH, CHELSEA, JON, COURTNEY, and ROBERT. BILLY BARTY still looks like an avocado six minutes after you purchase it from Target.

FRANK LANGELLA

Surrender, He-Man, and I will spare your friends.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

I was kicking your butt and killing your whole army a minute ago. In fact, I was seconds away from beating you senseless. I don't think you are in a position to make a threat.

FRANK LANGELLA

Or...

DOLPH LUNDGREN

I surrender.

FRANK LANGELLA

That's better. Leave the teleporter here with the rest of the survivors instead of taking it with us. It'll give them something to do while I revel in my god powers.

(teleports)

BILLY BARTY

We still have the teleporter, but the music notes were erased. We will never get back home.

ROBERT DUNCAN NEILL

(remembers he has one use in this movie)

I memorized the chords. Let me just grab my synth and load them in.

JON CYPHER

We can go to Skeletor's hideout and free our friend. Should we bring Courtney Cox along? She is on her deathbed.

ROBERT DUNCAN NEILL

Sure. Her sickness will sort itself out.

JAMES TOLKAN

I am coming too. Marty wouldn't let me use the Delorean, and I am not getting FOMO again.

INT. SKELETOR'S LAIR

FRANK LANGELLA has his full god powers now.

FRANK LANGELLA

I am decked out in golden cyber omega armor. Mattel is a bunch of morons for not making this an action figure. Do an eBay search, and you will not find it. Now I am living the good life, doing his two favorite things: whipping Dolph and being omnipotent.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Stealing my sword and placing it in a custom holder that lights up was a nice touch, too.

CHRISTINA PICKLES

I am a withered old prune, and I still don't have a chair. This is elder abuse.

COURTNEY, JON, ROBERT, CHELSEA, and JAMES teleport in and immediately get pinned down by laser fire.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

You promised you wouldn't hurt my friends!

(breaks his chains)

FRANK LANGELLA

Am I not allowed to defend myself? Technically, they are breaking and entering, which means I have the legal right to kill them.

DOLPH and FRANK battle over a cliff edge. DOLPH outpowers FRANK because his toyline has more value.

FRANK LANGELLA

(deep regrets)

Maybe chasing you to Earth and getting sidetracked by a teleporter that had no real bearing on the plan was a bad idea.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Eternia is safe again. Though it really wasn't in real danger in the first place. The more accurate claim is: a music shop in California is safe again.

JAMES TOLKAN

(with a female servant)

I love this place. I can start as many harems as I want, and the law can't stop me.

BILLY BARTY

And now I will give Courtney a gift for partaking in this wonderful adventure.

COURTNEY COX

You are wearing a paper bag?

INT. COURTNEY'S HOUSE

COURTNEY wakes up in her bedroom. She is wearing a nightgown that your great-grandmother would judge as too conservative.

COURTNEY COX

Mom? Dad? I have been brought back to the past. Please don't fly to Catalina on a broken passenger plane while I hang out with Robert.

COURTNEY'S MOM

Sure, honey, whatever you say.

(gesturing toward Courtney's dad)

Get the Clozapine, dear, she is having delusions again.

ROBERT DUNCAN NEILL

We saved He-Man's world, and you got your parents back. Now we just have to live in an alternate timeline where we can live our future together and prepare for the prom.

TEN-YEAR-OLD WHO LOVES THE CARTOON SERIES AND SAVED UP HIS ALLOWANCE TO SEE THIS

And I say, hey-ey-ey

Hey-ey-ey

I said "Hey, a-what's going on?"

And I say, hey-ey-ey

Hey-ey-ey

I said "Hey, a-what's going on?

END