FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY (WHERE ELSE?)

Well dressed ANNE HATHAWAY works as a journalist for a magazine. She attends an award ceremony.

AWARD ANNOUNCER

Today we present the award for "Haven't aged a God-damned day." And the winner is, this entire cast! Oh, and we're also presenting Anne with an award for her journalistic merits.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Thank you, thank you. Normally I'd be ecstatic, but I've just received news that my co-workers and I are all fired. AI is taking over, companies are downsizing, people are losing jobs and homes, and there is generally no hope for the future. Basically what I'm saying is, follow me on OnlyFans at Anne_Fapaway69.

Across town, MERYL STREEP steps out at some BLUE CARPET fashion event, followed closely by STANLEY TUCCI.

STANLEY TUCCI

(to the crowd)

HERE SHE IS! MERYL IN ALL HER GLORY!

(to Meryl)

You're totally fucked...

(to crowd)

ISN'T SHE AS FABULOUS AS YOU REMEMBER HER?

(to Meryl)

Everyone hates you now...

(to crowd)

LOOK AT HER GORGEOUS GOWN!

(to Meryl)

Both of our lives are over...

MERYL STREEP

Alright Tooch, out with it! What's going on?

STANLEY TUCCI

Runway Magazine is facing a major fallout after we unknowingly endorsed a Sweatshop company.

MERYL STREEP

So? Don't all fashion labels use sweatshops anyway? I'm sure this will all blow over.

STANLEY TUCCI

You don't understand. This isn't 2006, you can't get away with this. People nowadays don't worship ultra rich, diva-bitches like you anymore.

MERYL STREEP

WELL THIS IS A CATASTROPHE!

EXT. NEW YORK - THE NEXT DAY

TIBOR FELDMAN, the Chair of Runway, calls ANNE and gives her a job in Runway's Features department to help boost the magazine again. ANNE HAVEN'T-LEARNED-A-THING HATHAWAY runs to MERYL with open arms.

ANNE HATHAWAY

OMG bestie how are you I'm so excited to be here thanks for this job I always knew you liked me lets have a sleepover and talk about ideas for the magazine-

MERYL STREEP

Ahem, who are you?

ANNE HATHAWAY

I was your assistant back in 2006! Remember? I was Fat Emily.

MERYL STREEP

An assistant I had 20 years ago... Do you think anyone would remember you? Scratch that, do you think I would remember you? Have I ever given a single fuck about anyone except myself and the magazine?

ANNE HATHWAY

So I guess it wasn't your idea to hire me...

STANLEY TUCCI

Indeed. At least I remember you. Come, lets go to the cafeteria where I will once again mock your food choices. Like that goo you scoop into bowls. Apparently I don't know what tomato soup is.

The three of them go to DIOR and meet with the (still) delightfully bitchy EMILY BLUNT.

EMILY BLUNT

AAAHHH! Oh, sorry, seeing the three of you just triggered my PTSD. Anyway, I work at Dior where we've run multiple successful propaganda campaigns. Now every woman in middle America forgoes their child's diabetes medication so they can buy a $3,000 bag. I love my life.

STANLEY TUCCI

We need your help to keep Runway afloat. Ever since Runway went digital, we've resorted to clickbait content. Meryl is now doing TikTok dances and mukbang videos with Trisha Peytas. We think Dior can help get our dignity back.

EMILY BLUNT

Only if you beg.

MERYL STREEP

Fine, whatever you want.

EMILY gloves up, grabs her scalpel, and proceeds to SURGICALLY NEUTER MERYL in front of everyone.

ANNE HATHAWAY

(jaw drops)

THE FUUUUUUCKKKK?

STANLEY TUCCI

That's right, thanks to Human Resources, the Meryl you knew from the first movie is no longer. Completely defanged. Her assistants constantly police her language, and get this: She also now has to... wait for it... HANG UP HER OWN COAT.

ANNE HATHAWAY

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! What's even the point of this movie then?

MERYL STREEP

Don't worry, I'll still be mean to you, Fat Emily.

ANNE once again begs for MERYL'S approval, but at least this time her articles are helping the magazine. She even grants MERYL her wish of getting the impossible to find EASILY ATTAINABLE interview with newly divorced multi-billionaire, LUCY LUI.

LUCY LUI

I hardly ever grant interviews but I guess I like you guys or something.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Huh, that was easy!

MERYL STREEP

And just like last, I like and respect you again. Oh Fat Emily, isn't this wonderful! We're back on top, and I just heard that next week, Tibor is announcing my promotion to Global Head of Content, my dream job! Also, your features department will be getting a huge budget increase. Oh happy day!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Wait a minute... I may remember a thing or two. The last time you shared vulnerable feelings with me, you ended up doing something horrible.

MERYL STREEP

Not this time, I promise. Nothing bad will happen.

The next week, TIBOR attends a lavish party and COMICALLY DROPS DEAD. His son, B.J. NOVAK, takes over the magazine.

B.J. NOVAK

What up, Bros? So I'm thinking we'll downsize everything, get rid of all this fashion crap, and turn Runway into a crossover between FuckJerry and Barstool Sports.

MERYL STREEP

Did your father mention anything about an announcement maybe?

B.J. NOVAK

(doing whippits)

Yeah, I've got an announcement. I'm helping Billy McFarland set up Fyre Festival 2! Who's with me!?

EXT. MILAN, ITALY

Everyone is in Milan for Fashion Week.

ANNE HATHAWAY

We've got to kill this guy help the magazine!

MERYL STREEP

I can't. The stitches from my declawing surgery haven't healed, so I'll just mope around and go along with everything.

STANLEY TUCCI

It's true. She now flys Economy and eats in the cafeteria like a lowlife.

EMILY BLUNT

God, that's pathetic. I have an idea. Anne, you and I will secretly team up and get my fiance, Lucy Lui's ex-husband, to buy the magazine from Novak. He's a multi-billionaire, so you know he's the smartest guy in the world.

They meet with GIANT IDIOT JUSTIN THEROUX.

JUSTIN THEROUX

A magazine... that's the thing with all the paper right? Anything for you, my Schmoopies. Hey, you guys want some Ketamine? LEGALIZE COMEDY!

ANNE HATHAWAY

Great plan, Emily. Flawless really! Except for one thing...

EMILY BLUNT

Don't do it, Anne. I swear to God...

ANNE HATHAWAY

We must come clean and tell Meryl the truth about this!

EMILY BLUNT

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, can you drop the goody two-shoes act for one day!

ANNE HATHAWAY

At least they're Prada shoes. And no! We're all friends now and I just want us to be happy!

EMILY BLUNT

Your brain should be donated to science and studied. You are physically incapable of learning a damned thing.

They confess their plan to MERYL. It is revealed that EMILY only agreed to help ANNE so that she could take over Runway herself!

EMILY BLUNT

It's true! My secret plan was to gain control of Runway and give Meryl the boot!

ANNE HATHAWAY

But why? Earlier you said you loved your job and that fashion is more lucrative in retail. And now you want control of a failing magazine?

MERYL STREEP

She only want's it because I told her she can't have it. I pushed her out years ago.

EMILY BLUNT

You never appreciated me. All the eating disorders I had for you. Even now, I've been fucking that lunatic billionaire. I PUT IN THE WORK! It took 20 years but I am finally exacting my revenge!

LADY GAGA

Can I defuse the situation by debuting my new song "Runway"? Time for something fresh and new!

MERYL STREEP

No. I'm forever Team Madonna, and "Vogue" will always be in style. Our beef is still on, Gaga!

ANNE HATHAWAY

I forgot how insane and petty this industry is. A smart person would write a tell-all book about all this.

ANNE gets an offer for $350,000 to write said book, but she's NOT SURE IF SHE WANTS TO OR WHATEVER.

KENNETH BRANAUGH

Hi Meryl, as your new husband I just want to offer you some words of wisdom. Get those balls of yours back and fight like hell. Just remember one thing... and this is very important... do it entirely off screen.

EXT. JUSTIN AND EMILY'S ITALIAN MANSION

EMILY grinds her teeth as JUSTIN and B.J. talk business.

JUSTIN THEROUX

...all that being said, it's obvious that Drake won that battle between him and Kendrick. Now, about the sale of Runway.

B.J. NOVAK

(getting a call)

Op! Hold that thought. Hello? Yes... well ain't that a bitch!

(hangs up)

Welp, guess I don't need you after all. Someone's willing to buy it for a much higher price. Later, suckers!

ANNE HATHAWAY

It was us! Meryl and I teamed up with Lucy Liu!

LUCY LIU

Oh, and I'm not just buying Runway, I'm buying the entire Elias Clark media conglomerate. That's right! One of the least interesting characters in this film is here to save the day!

EXT. BACK IN NEW YORK

Everyone gets promoted, better offices, etc., except for Emily who's in a hole of embarrassment somewhere.

STANLEY TUCCI

Yup, and even though Meryl has been using me as toilet paper for the last 2 decades, she let me take the reigns for once. A loving gesture that came out of nowhere, really.

MERYL STREEP

You can go ahead and write that book about me. That's right bitch, I know everything.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Oh, I couldn't, now that we're finally friends!

MERYL STREEP

You need to stop with that crap. Do it and take the money. You think I care? No! I'm interesting as fuck and I know it! Well, the first movie's version of me was.

EMILY BLUNT

Now that my dreams have been rug-pulled and I was dumped by Justin, I wanted to tell you something, Anne. I would like it if we could be friends.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Dreams do come true! Wow, I can't believe we all got a happy ending. I will admit, optimism feels weird in the 2020's, but I like it! Give it a try!

EMILY BLUNT

No, shan't.

THAT'S ALL. AGAIN.