FADE IN:

INT. A ROOM. MAYBE IT'S IN THE BACK OF SOME PLACE. LET'S FIND OUT.

A GUY in a HAZMAT SUIT wanders through a mysterious, never-ending labyrinth of random shit and chaos.

HAZMAT GUY

Yep, I'm definitely in 4chan. Fuck studying this place, I'm out of here!

UNSEEN ENTITY

(chasing him)

You can't run. You may think this place doesn't effect you, but one day your world will be filled with random shit and chaos and we can pretty much link it all back here!

HAZMAT GUY

At least we get a good horror movie out it AAAAHHHH!

He gets attacked and eaten by /POL/.

INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - 1990

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR sits down with his therapist, RENATE REINSVE.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

A working class man is seeing a therapist in 1990? Kind of rare, but I'll go with it.

RENATE REINSVE

Speaking of which, why don't we try a therapeutic exercise called role playing. You be you, and I'll be your ex-wife. Ready? Ahem, hi honey, how was your day?

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

FUCK YOU YOU FAT-ASS BITCH I HATE YOU YES I WAS AT THE BAR YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON I NEVER BECAME AN ARCHITECT AND HAD TO BECOME A FURNITURE SALESMAN ROT IN HELL HAG!

RENATE REINSVE

Hmm. I sense a bit of anger in there.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Gee wiz, I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from.

RENATE REINSVE

It's understandable. We all have pasts. I myself overcame a traumatic childhood. It's important that we work through these feelings and take accountability.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

What? Sorry, I wasn't listening. I was thinking about how all of my failures are everyone else's fault. Welp, better get to work. See you whenever!

INT. CHEWITEL'S FURNITURE STORE - DAY

CHEWITEL dresses like a pirate. He shoots a commercial with his assistant manager, LUKITA MAXWELL and her boyfriend, FINN BENNET.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Arr, mateys! Looking for furniture? C'mon down to Cap'n Chewy's Ottoman Empire, where everything's a steal!

FINN BENNET

(holding camcorder)

Wait, you sell this crappy furniture? I thought we were at the Salvation Army.

LUKITA MAXWELL

I look 22 years old, how am I the assistant manager? This is the lamest place in the world.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

AHEM. As I was saying. We've got prices that'll shiver your timbers!

(falls through a shitty chair)

Pass the rum, me hearties.

INT. CHEWITEL'S FURNITURE STORE - NIGHT

CHEWITEL ends his pathetic day by lying in one of his store's beds, chugging liquor and eating junk food.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

This will definitely help the sale value of this bed.

He goes to the basement to deal with the store's shitty electricity. He finds a strange light coming from a wall, and finds out he's able to walk through said wall! He's now in a large room with a giant pile of furniture.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

The fuck? Is there an abandoned Sears attached to my store? No wonder my electric bill is so high. Oh, I wonder if there's an Orange Julius here too.

He keeps walking, room after room, finding parts of random objects fused to the floor and walls.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Oh God, it's worse than Sears... this is an Ikea!

INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY

CHEWITEL recounts what he saw.

RENATE REINSVE

Calm down, Chewitel. Explain it again. Nothing to be ashamed of. We've all had traumatic experiences in Ikea.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

You don't understand. These backrooms underneath my store, it's something else. It had an eerie, dreamlike quality to it. A sense of familiarity but also anxiety.

RENATE REINSVE

I get it, it's a liminal space. A transitional space, in between where you have been and where you are going. Empty airports, hotel hallways etc. They have subreddits dedicated to it. Don't tell me someone actually made a movie out of this...

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Apparently some young, son of a bitch did! And that's not all, some unseen entity was roaring and chasing me. And there were stop signs and cardboard cutouts of cavemen and shit!

RENATE REINSVE

(dumbfounded)

You said you haven't had any alcohol in a week, right?

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

(pops 20 altoids)

Correct.

RENATE REINSVE

Welp, that settles it. You're experiencing withdrawal-induced delusions. Say hi to the pink elephants for me!

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

You asshole, I'm not lying! Also, you think I'm experiencing Delirium Tremens and you're not getting me medical help? You're the worst therapist ever!

INT. THE BACKROOMS

CHEWITEL recruits LUKITA and FINN to follow him to the backrooms with a camcorder.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

I've called you two here because we are researching something and I need guinea pigs. I mean helpers.

LUKITA MAXWELL

Jesus, the yellow '70s wallpaper, the florescent lights, these are the real horror villains.

FINN BENNET

Hmm, this room has a downward sloping tunnel to a room below. Hey, why are you tying a rope around my waist? And why are you strapping the camera to my body? You're not thinking of sending me down there are you?

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Um, yes.

(kicks Finn down the tunnel)

What do you see?

FINN BENNET

Shit's getting scary now. I see more rooms, and piles of clothes... with blood and faces in them?

(shits pants)

I also see...

(unseen entity roars)

...my impending death AHHHH!!

CHEWITEL and LUKITA pull him up through the shaft, but then the ENTITY pulls his rope slack and YOINKS him WAIST FIRST back down the shaft. LUKITA goes in after him!

LUKITA MAXWELL

YOU BETTER HELP US YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

(entity roars)

(blood curdling screams)

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Yep, definitely not doing that. Hiding like a coward is the way to go!

The ENTITY chases CHEWITEL until he enters a dimly lit room. There, we see a single Christmas tree and hear the creepiest version of Feliz Navidad ever.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Nope nope nope, nothing good can come out of this room.

He's right. Two humanoid figures come at him. Their faces are wildly distorted and unnatural looking.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

SHIT, THIS MUST BE THE BEVERLY HILLS ROOM! Uh, I mean, your plastic surgeons did an excellent job, honest! Just please don't kill me!

CHEWITEL runs out of the room and into a bathroom-like room.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Hey, can you shit in the backrooms? Do the toilets here work? Or would I have to walk through the wall again?

UNSEEN ENTITY

I dunno, it's an endless void. Maybe you can shit in the corner and never see it again. Oh, by the way, GOTCHA!

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

FUCKK!!

INT. RENATE'S OFFICE

CHEWITEL leaves a message on her machine.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Hey Renate. You can take your psych degree and shove it. I'm not coming back. I got the toilet situation figured out.

INT. THE BACKROOMS - SOMETIME LATER

RENATE goes looking for CHEWITEL and finds her way through the basement wall.

RENATE REINSVE

Chewitel? Are you here? I got your message. Knock twice if you're having a psychotic break.

A subdued CHEWITEL steps out of another room and puts her in a CHOKEHOLD. She wakes up in a kitchen-like room, along with the people from the TRISTE NAVIDAD room.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Hi Renate, thanks for coming. Like I said, I've got it all figured out. These "backrooms" are physical manifestations of our psyche. Our memories are distorted over time, which is why objects and people look fucked up.

RENATE REINSVE

That explains why you "remember" being cool and popular in high school. Is that Lukita's head in your fridge!? I was right, you never worked out your pain and trauma. Most men your age just buy a sports car.

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

Therapy is for pussies! It's much more fun to be a selfish jerk who blames everyone else for their failures. Speaking of which, it's role playing time again!

He goes to the red-headed, tri-faced woman who we now know to be the memory of his ex wife. He SCALPS HER, then puts the 'wig" on RENATE's head.

RENATE REINSVE

Call me crazy, but I think you're a bit too far gone now. How would you like a nice involuntary psychiatric hold? Also why are you eating the guy next to you. What's that representative of?

CHEWITEL EJIOFOR

You got me there, I have no clue. Now tell me our divorce wasn't my fault, ex-wife of mine!

RENATE REINSVE

Nope, not doing this! She left you because you're a whiney loser! I herby give up on helping your bitch ass. I give you permission to never change!

UNSEEN ENTITY

FUCKING FINALLY!

The ENTITY reveals itself to be a 9 foot tall, warped version of PIRATE CHEWITEL. It DEVOURS regular CHEWITEL!

CAP'N CHEWITEL

FEAR ME! I'm terrifying even though I look like a Pee-Wee's Playhouse reject!

CAP'N CHEWITEL chases RENATE through rooms upon rooms upon rooms! She even runs through an infinite apartment complex of rooms with a bottomless pit!

RENATE REINSVE

This must be where Chewitel shits.

(running for her life)

My God, I finally get it. The Cap'n is a manifestation of Chewitel's demons, rage and failure. By giving up on changing himself, he let the Cap'n consume him. By never taking accountability, he regressed further into his backrooms and hurt other people along the way. It's also commentary on how we all have our own backrooms and how we affect each other.

(pause)

A FUCKING TEENAGER HELPED WRITE THIS?

RENATE gets captured by the CAP'N, but she beats the shit out of him with her childhood cement handprint thingy!

RENATE REINSVE

I did not escape my own backrooms just to be killed by some goofy theme park animatronic!

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

She ends up in a room with colorful space men.

RENATE REINSVE

Is this an Among Us backroom?

MARK DUPLASS

No, we're scientists. We thought we'd add color to our hazmat suits since this entire movie is the color of piss. Now tell us what you saw in there. We may know our elements, but we unfamiliar with the element of surprise.

RENATE REINSVE

Lame. And anyway, I would tell you, but it's impossible to explain.

MARK DUPLASS

Well, that's unfortunate. You see, I also double as a movie producer, and I want to know how to recreate the success of this movie.

RENATE REINSVE

Now I'm definitely not telling you. Everyone knows you'll learn all the wrong lessons from this.

MARK DUPLASS

You mentioned something earlier about the internet. Let's go boys, let's scour Reddit for the next big hit! Hmm, what's this about "Swamps of Dagobah"...

Everyone prepares themselves for the next decade of horror movies being inspired by Nyan Cat and Boaty McBoatFace.

END.