FADE IN:

EXT. ENGLAND

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER tends to her STEPCHILDREN.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

All right, let's have a look at all of you. Junia, did you remember to pack your Latin manuscripts?

PRINCESS JUNIA REES

Yes'm.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Oh, Patrick, there's roast swan juice all over your doublet! Go wipe yourself off right this minute.

PRINCE PATRICK BUCKLEY

Yes'm.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

And, Patsy, do try to be nicer to the Protestant children today. We've already had one queen-courtier conference about this, and I'm really not in the mood for another.

PRINCESS PATSY FERRAN

(rolls eyes)

Whatever.

The KIDS leave. QUEEN ALICIA rides off to go to HERETIC BOOK CLUB, where her friend ERIN DOHERTY is leading the DISCUSSION.

ERIN DOHERTY

Alicia, finally! We just finished the part about how Catholics talk funny talk...

(shoves a giant glass of Barefoot chardonnay into her hand)

...and now we're on to overthrowing the monarchy in the name of religion. What do you think?

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

I think you're getting more than 50 years ahead of yourself.

ERIN DOHERTY

Oh, you just say that because you're married to the king I'm inciting revolution against.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

The king who HASN'T beheaded me yet AND let me write my own book! And revolution really isn't the best way to get to him. He's a better listener after some ale and a pigeon pie.

ERIN DOHERTY

Yeah, okay. I'll believe that when he finally agrees to let you replace the tapestries.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

You're such a bitch sometimes.

They exchange a LAUGH and clink GLASSES.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Oh! Speaking of which, I have GOT to tell all of you how we spent that last night before he left for war.

(quirks eyebrow)

ERIN DOHERTY

Oh, I'm gonna need another round for this. In fact, we're ALL gonna need another round for this.

The LADIES eagerly toss aside their BIBLES and lean in.

INT. ROYAL BEDCHAMBER

KING JUDE VIII returns.

KING JUDE VIII

(kicks down the door)

ALICIA, I'M HOO-OOOOOOOOOME!

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

(reattaches the door)

How was the war, honey?

KING JUDE VIII

(sits back in his La-Z-King)

Ah, you know. Blew shit up. Waited around for the French. Got bored. Usual stuff. How were things here?

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

(brings him a cold ale)

Well, I had to work on the nobles a little to get them to pay for your explosions.

KING JUDE VIII

(opens the newspaper)

Uh-huh.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Londoners caught the plague again.

KING JUDE VIII

(checks the jousting scores)

Uh-huh.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

And... I, uh, ran into Erin the other day.

KING JUDE VIII

(slams paper shut)

Didn't I tell you to stop talking to that psycho?

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

She's been my friend for years, Jude! She has some wild ideas sometimes, but she's not a psycho.

KING JUDE VIII

Oh, come on! Reading the Bible in any language except Latin? YOU don't think that's not psycho, do you?

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Of course not. But, um, maybe it's worth it to--

KING JUDE VIII

Plus she still hasn't paid us back for clogging up the wine fountain. Talk to me when she finally sends us a check. Look, I'm not talking about this anymore. Leg's acting up.

(covers his face with the paper)

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

But I've made some more revisions to my book and I wanted to show you.

KING JUDE VIII

That's nice.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Do you HAVE to just sit there reading about jousting the second you get in?

KING JUDE VIII

Don't try to change me, baby.

EXT. WOODS

ALICIA meets with her ex, SAM, DUKE OF RILEY.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Sam, I've already told you before: I'm NOT down to sext. So this had better be good.

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

This isn't about sexting! Although, you know, we DID do it well back in the day...

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

SAM!

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

Okay, okay. It's about Erin. Jude, you know...

(makes neck-chopping motion and "kh-wick" sound)

Well, actually, it was more like...

(makes flame-rising motion and "fwoom" sound)

She tied gunpowder around her neck so she'd blow up faster. It was kind of awesome, to be honest.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

(goes deathly pale)

(even by English standards)

What about the others?

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

Well, let's just say you have every third Thursday of the month at 8 p.m. free now.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Dammit dammit DAMMIT! What am I gonna tell Junia? That girl translates the Bible into different languages for fun! And Patrick tells me at least once every day that he wants a Turbo-Powered Martin Luther toy with real theses-nailing action for Christmas!

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

Calm down, Alicia, I'm sure Jude would never hurt his own children.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Uh, have you MET the guy?

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

Not Patrick, anyway. Look, Jude's an easy guy to distract. He doesn't have to know about all the heresy. It's an easy secret to keep, kind of like--

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Say "sexting" again and I'll do to you what he did to the monasteries.

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

You mean, smash me?

INT. ROYAL CHAPEL

QUEEN ALICIA prays.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

"Dear God, thank you for this day. I pray you make me humble, gracious, and totally able to hide the fact that I'm praying in English right now. In the royal chapel. Which is big enough to hold quite a few people and open to pretty much anyone who works here."

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE enters.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

I mean, uh... In nomine Patris et Filis et, um, Holius Ghostum...

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

Nice try.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Shit.

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

Alicia, I was for you. You're not a dumb skank like the last one, or an ugly horseface like the one before that. But I don't want to have to tell Jude that he married a psycho.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

You've got a good thing going with me, Simon. I'm cool. I'm drama-free. I didn't say one fucking word last year when all you guys just "randomly decided" to spend a four-day weekend in Blackpool without telling me first.

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

I swear, all we did was eat seafood and do karaoke!

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

I know. Jude showed me the videos. The point is, I let you do you, so you let me do me. Sound fair? Good.

(returns to praying)

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

This isn't just about YOU, though. The soul of the country is--

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

"And ALSO, God, in your mercy, please bring Simon to the wisdom it takes NEVER to sing in public again, for his rendition of 'Travelin' Band' was UTTER SHIT."

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

...Okay, that was just mean.

INT. THRONE ROOM

KING JUDE holds court.

KING JUDE VIII

My lords and ladies, I bring you the happy news that Queen Alicia is with child. Unfortunately, that leg injury I got four wives ago still keeps me down, so we must prepare for the possibility that I won't be around to overprotect the boy. With that eventuality in mind, I have revised my will to name Queen Alicia regent when I finally kick it.

LORDS AND LADIES

(murmur in agreement)

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

(tugs at collar)

KING JUDE VIII

Simon, you don't seem too pleased. No offense, but I need someone to raise my son to be a paragon, and, well, after that karaoke night in Blackpool...

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

No, Your Majesty, it's not that at all. I've been reviewing the royal ledgers, and it seems SOMEONE who would have been in charge while you were at war wrote a 50-crown check for "book club expenses." Not to throw around accusations, but weren't the queen and that psycho we burned in the same book club?

PRINCESS PATSY FERRAN

Also, I saw her phone the other day. I think Sam Riley's been sexting her.

KING JUDE VIII

What? Riley?!

PRINCESS PATSY FERRAN

I know, right? As if he wasn't making things heretical enough around here already. Honestly, Dad, you should name me the regent. It'll be just like the only wife who counted was back.

KING JUDE VIII

(seething)

If any one of you has another reason why Queen Alicia should not be regent, speak it now or FUCK RIGHT OFF.

SIR IAN DRYSDALE

Um, Your Majesty...

KING JUDE VIII

WHAT?!

SIR IAN DRYSDALE

One time I saw an old Facebook pic of her wearing a Tottenham scarf.

LORDS AND LADIES

(gasps all around)

KING JUDE VIII

You know, I've put up with a LOT of shit in my time. I married a reformer. I married a cheating slut. Somewhere in there, I married three other broads. But now to be married to a reformer, a cheating slut, AND a Tottenham supporter?! I have FUCKING HAD IT!!!

He storms off to confront ALICIA.

KING JUDE VIII

Do you have any idea what the guys are saying about you? They're making it seem like I don't know how to pick a good wife! Tell me none of it is true before I rape the truth out of you!

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

(clears throat)

Jude, if I've ever done anything to embarrass or oppose you, it's entirely because I'm a dumb stupid woman. In fact, I plan to double down on listening to everything you say, because you're so perfect and wise. And if you thought you heard me cry out Sam's name while we were fucking, I was actually saying "slam," as in, "slam that royal dick harder into my weak, brain-scattering vag."

KING JUDE VIII

Oh. Okay, never mind.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

You wish, fat man.

(jams her finger directly into his debilitating pus-filled leg injury)

KING JUDE VIII

(debilitated)

INT. QUEEN ALICIA'S CHAMBER

While JUDE's COURTIERS try their best to keep their STOMACHS down, SAM goes to check on ALICIA.

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

Okay, maybe you didn't realize it in the moment, but that leg thing was something a real dumb stupid woman would do. You should have stuck to being a fake one just to shut him up.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

What's the big deal? I'm pregnant for the purposes of this script, so that's a point in my favor. Plus Patrick is the heir to the throne, and I'm the only woman at court who's willing to sit there patiently while he talks about who his favorite theologian is that week. I'm as safe as safe can be.

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

But Patsy's scheming to get Jude to change his mind about you being regent. Do you have any idea how bad things are gonna get around here if SHE becomes regent? I hear she has this six-day-a-week return-to-chapel policy, and that means I'm gonna have to find a dogsitter.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Well, get your brother to do it. He's Patrick's bio uncle, after all, and that'll take the attention off both of us.

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

(realization dawns)

Ohhhh. Okay, forget what I said before. You did exactly the right thing.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

And if everything goes according to plan, we'll be doing exactly the right thing before you can say "historically bunk."

Everyone waits around for JUDE to die. And waits. And waits. And waits.

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

(plays with one of those balls tied to a paddle, except rubber hasn't arrived in Europe yet, so the ball is actually a tiny cloth sack filled with straw or something)

How long as it been?

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

(yawns)

About 20 minutes.

SIR IAN DRYSDALE

(enters)

Jude's not dead.

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Oh. Well, that's greeeeaaaat.

SIR IAN DRYSDALE

And he asked me to pass on a message:

(makes long, loud raspberry noise)

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

How dare he.

(ceases being pregnant for the purposes of this script)

INT. THRONE ROOM

JUDE holds court.

KING JUDE VIII

Bishop Russell Beale, you will find some evidence that Alicia did something that would have gotten any of the others thrown in the Tower.

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

(finds it)

KING JUDE VIII

Really? That was quick.

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

It is fortunate, Your Majesty, that the queen has zero sense of self-preservation. Shall you wish her head off in a single stroke, or might we consider something more graphic? Perhaps tying each of her hands and feet to a different male horse and sending them running in different directions toward large barrels of oats?

KING JUDE VIII

...YEESH.

PRINCE PATRICK BUCKLEY

(runs in)

Dad, did I tell you what I wanted for Christmastide?

KING JUDE VIII

You did, Patrick.

PRINCE PATRICK BUCKLEY

I want a Turbo-Powered Martin Luther toy.

KING JUDE VIII

I know, Patrick.

PRINCE PATRICK BUCKLEY

With real theses-nailing action.

KING JUDE VIII

With real theses-nailing action, yes.

PRINCE PATRICK BUCKLEY

And I also want the All Saints' Church playset, sold separately, and the battery-powered printing press, also sold separately, and the--

PRINCESS JUNIA REES

(bursts in)

Dad, tell Patsy her dead mom isn't better than my dead mom!

PRINCESS PATSY FERRAN

(follows)

She is too!

PRINCESS JUNIA REES

Is not!

PRINCESS PATSY FERRAN

IS TOO!

PRINCESS JUNIA REES

IS NOT!

PRINCESS PATSY FERRAN

BOBOLYNE!

PRINCESS JUNIA REES

MUMPER!

KING JUDE VIII

(rubs temples)

Okay, I can't take another second of this. Alicia lives.

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

But, Your Majesty, the evidence--

KING JUDE VIII

You wanna ride up my ass too, Simon?! It's hot and it's smelly and there's plenty of room for everyone, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST CLIMB RIGHT THE FUCK ON IN, HUH?!?!?!

BISHOP SIMON RUSSELL BEALE

(scuttles off)

INT. ROYAL BEDCHAMBER

ALICIA smothers JUDE to death.

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

You did WHAT?

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Look, being queen has really held me back from living according to my own principles. I had to do a feminism before I lost it.

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

Cold-blooded murder is what you call doing a feminism?

QUEEN ALICIA VIKANDER

Why not? Isn't that what male directors usually call doing a feminism?

SAM, DUKE OF RILEY

(thinks)

Yeah, I guess you're right. Can we smash now?

They fuck on the FLOOR right next to JUDE's rotting body.

PRINCESS JUNIA REES

(voiceover)

In short, the English Reformation really kicked into high gear because Alicia did some feminisms. Of course, Patrick becoming king and agreeing with everything she wrote helped, but once he finally got all those Luther toys for Christmastide, that part was easy. And thanks to them, and also me, and Sam, and Sam's brother, and a bunch of dudes with more popular books, you too can sit in church for three hours, longing to go back home and play video games, but in your own language this time. You're welcome.

END