FADE IN:

INT. NOT MEGHAN MARKLE'S HOUSE

MEGHAN MARKLE opens the DOOR.

MEGHAN MARKLE

(looking 45 degrees away from you)

(always)

Oh, I'm so happy to welcome your vibes into not my home! I hope you're ready for--

(looks up)

Um, you've used the name "Markle" three times. It's "comma Duchess of Sussex" now. Understand? COMMA DUCHESS OF SUSSEX.

(exasperated huff)

Okay, I need a moment to journal. We're taking five and starting over.

FIVE MINUTES LATER:

FADE IN:

INT. NOT MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX'S HOUSE

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX opens the DOOR.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Oh, I'm so happy to welcome your vibes into not my home! I hope you're ready for an awesome weekend over. I've made sure that every moment of your stay will be as refreshing and down-to-earth as the woman who invited you. Come right on in!

YOU follow her.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Oh, could you...

(gestures to your feet)

Need to keep the floors clean for filming, you know.

A liveried FOOTMAN appears and holds his HANDS out. YOU hand him your SHOES. He bows his HEAD and exits.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Thanks. Now you're probably hungry, right? I would have had stocked the car I sent to fetch you from the airport, but you wouldn't believe how hard it is for the driver to clean yerba mate stains out of reindeer leather. So I made this.

She hands YOU a SMALL STONEWARE BOWL filled with WHITE TRUFFLES and NASTURTIUM BLOSSOMS.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

I know, it's a little extra, so if you want something humans actually eat, I also made this.

She hands YOU a HANDCRAFTED BAMBOO PUZZLE BOX.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Just open it up and you'll find... I don't know, a meat stick or some cheese puffs or whatever they put in there. I calligraphed the instructions for the box onto the sheet of burlap on your pillow. If you have some downtime and want to try burlap calligraphy at home, you can order a bottle of my homemade ink. Eventually. Maybe.

YOU

(tentatively reach for a truffle)

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(gently taps your hand)

Uh, don't. We'll need that as is for retakes later. Now how's about I show you where you'll be sleeping?

She leads YOU upstairs. The FOOTMAN carries your BAG.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(whispering)

Isn't he adorable? I snatched him up from Windsor after we left. I think he has a name.

She leads YOU into a BEDROOM in which EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE is smothered in FLOWERPOTS of every SIZE and SHAPE.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Doesn't it smell divine in here? Not, like, divinity in the sense of having a God-given right to things because you're related to the guy who had those things eleven hundred years ago. The real kind of divinity.

YOU

(sneeze)

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Right. You're prone to hay fever. Oh, well. Now I filled your bathtub to the brim with Dead Sea salt, and I personally restuffed your pillows with down feathers that the kids plucked themselves from our neighbor's eider ducks, so you will have the best rest of your life in here. Take some time to freshen up, and come down for dinner at...

She checks her FIVE-THOUSAND-DOLLAR 18-KARAT-GOLD CARTIER WATCH, which may or may not have belonged to a LITERAL PRINCESS.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Say, 7:56 p.m.? That should give you exactly 15 minutes to enjoy a herbaceous aperitif before we sit down for sunset appetizers. Appe-teasers, my husband calls them.

(laughs)

Relatability really agrees with him. Oh, and don't light any of the candles in the bathroom. We'll need those for Pinterest later. Kiss kiss!

(turns and shuts the door)

YOU

(wincing because your toes were right there)

INT. EXACTLY 7:56 P.M.

YOU head downstairs, unconsciously brushing your FINGERTIPS against the WALL for a second.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(from downstairs)

Do NOT touch that wallpaper! It's new!

YOU carefully avoid the WALL and come into the kitchen, where MINDY KALING, ALICE WATERS, and DELFINA BLAQUIER are seated.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Oh, I hope you don't mind, but I invited some friends over for an impromptu little dinner party. You know Mindy, of course. One of my bestest besties, right, Mindy?

MINDY KALING

No, I'm here to see for myself if this thing really will deserve to get roasted worse than Velma.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(still smiling)

That could never happen. And this of course is Alice, whose work I'm sure you're very familiar with. What's Chez Panisse charging for prix fixe dinners these days, Al?

ALICE WATERS

$175, plus $75 per person for wine.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Well, those Dungeness crabs and Meyer lemons won't pay for themselves, right? And this is my very dear friend Delfina. A lot of people think she's just a polo player's wife, but she's also an estate owner's daughter and a yacht designer's granddaughter AND co-creator of a line of fragrances sold exclusively at Bergdorf. I'm sure you'll have a lot to talk about.

DELFINA BLAQUIER

(opens mouth)

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(holds up hand)

Later. So, girls, drinkies?

The FOOTMAN appears to open a bottle of SPARKLING WINE. MEGHAN nudges DELFINA.

DELFINA BLAQUIER

(clears throat)

"Oh, yay. Let's get it poppin'. Up in here."

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Up in HURR!

The FOOTMAN fills five FLUTES.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

And, finishing touch...

She carefully tosses a BORAGE BLOSSOM into each FLUTE and passes them out. ALICE quickly glances at a CUE CARD.

ALICE WATERS

"Meghan, it is so impressive how many things in your kitchen are things you grew yourself."

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Yeah, you know, I guess I learned from you how meaningful it is to give your guests a farm-to-table experience.

ALICE WATERS

Well, I don't know if I'd call your property a farm...

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

We have goats. Shut up. Here's to joy!

GUESTS

Joy.

Everyone clinks FLUTES.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

And now it's time to make the specialty of the house: a whimsical arrangement of uncooked, unseasoned produce.

DELFINA BLAQUIER

"Ooh. May I help?"

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

NO. You'll just screw it up. Pipe down and watch.

Everyone sits in SILENCE as MEGHAN painstakingly lays out SUMMER SQUASH, BROCCOLI FLORETS, and BABY CARROTS. FOREVER.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(sotto)

Mindy.

MINDY KALING

Oh, yeah. "My mouth is watering at the sight of your exquisitely composed homegrown veggies."

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Just wait until you see it when it's done.

MINDY KALING

Seriously? How long--

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

UNTIL IT'S DONE.

(laughs)

Oh, boy. Sometimes it's so easy for a working mother to get stressed out.

She continues fiddling with her VEGETABLES.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

You know, fuck this...

She picks up the PLATTER and tosses the VEGETABLES over her shoulder. She snaps her fingers at the FOOTMAN, who dutifully brings her a different PLATTER.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Okay, babes! What do you think?

She shows them the VEGETABLES, which have been arranged to resemble VAN GOGH'S "SUN OVER OLIVE GROVE," 1889.

ALICE WATERS

"Wow, Meghan! I just can't believe..." Um, line?

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

"...what an artiste you've become in the kitchen, and how easy it must be for any woman anywhere to become an artiste on your level."

ALICE WATERS

Yeah. That.

DELFINA BLAQUIER

Okay, I need to take a carrot before I pass out.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(slaps her hand away)

Pick one off the floor if you're hungry. THIS carrot stays RIGHT WHERE IT IS. You GOT THAT?

She pauses. Turns around. Takes a few YOGA BREATHS. Mumbles some AFFIRMATIONS. Finally she turns around with a HUGE SMILE.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Who's ready for some high-price, low-cal, high-contrast, low-sodium, high-minded, low-flavor dinner?

INT. LATER THAT NIGHT

Somehow you managed to find SLEEP through the overwhelming stench of GARDENIA EXTRACT. Suddenly A DOOR being slammed awakens YOU. YOU groggily sit up and listen. Muffled NOISES are coming from downstairs.

YOU tiptoe out of your ROOM. YOU can hear the NOISES more clearly now. A WOMAN'S VOICE. Then a MAN'S VOICE. Laughter. Then silence.

YOU step downstairs. There's a LIGHT from beneath the door of the WALK-IN PANTRY.

WOMAN'S VOICE

Oh God.

MAN'S BRITISH-ACCENTED VOICE

So fucking good.

WOMAN'S VOICE

YES.

Damn. YOU figured they were up to SOME KINKY SHIT, but in a PANTRY with FOUR GUESTS over?

MAN'S BRITISH-ACCENTED VOICE

Give me more.

WOMAN'S VOICE

(giggles)

You're so wild for it.

MAN'S BRITISH-ACCENTED VOICE

I'm gonna dip this in the Good Good Sauce.

WOMAN'S VOICE

Oooooh!

Wait, what? YOU open the PANTRY DOOR...

...and there's MEGHAN on the floor with PRINCE HARRY, DUKE OF SUSSEX, going to town on two BACON DOUBLE SMASHED JACK™ COMBOS.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(stares)

YOU

(stare)

PRINCE HARRY, DUKE OF SUSSEX

(wipes chocolate-shake mustache out of actual mustache)

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Um... you emailed me your signed non-disclosure agreement last week, right?

YOU

(nod)

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Then we'll see you in the morning.

YOU

(exit)

INT. THE NEXT MORNING

YOU wander downstairs. MEGHAN is spooning DOUGH into COOKIE CUTTERS.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Morning! It's my little princess's birthday today, so I thought we'd make some fun treats for her party. Grab a cutter and let's get started.

YOU hesitate.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

You accepted the invite. You knew what you were getting into. Now this is a basic shortcrust pastry, and we're going to bake it into animal-shaped shells and fill them with an arugula and Parmesan mixture for a birthday quiche zoo. And after we put those in the fridge, we can set out her My First Bone China Tea Service on the lawn.

YOU hesitate again.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

What? What little girl doesn't love a tea party? And what tea party doesn't have mini arugula and Parmesan quiche? Honestly, am I the only mother in the world with imagination?

INT. DELETED SCENE

The remnants of several MY FIRST BONE CHINA TEA SERVICE PIECES litter the LAWN. HARRY tries desperately to keep the OTHER KIDS away from them as MEGHAN speaks severely to PRINCESS LILIBET OF SUSSEX, who is pouting in her HEPPLEWHITE BOOSTER SEAT.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Now listen. Mommy busted her ass to make this the best birthday party ever, and Mommy is not about to let all that work go to waste. Now take ONE bite of the kangaroo quiche. ONE.

PRINCESS LILIBET OF SUSSEX

Chicky nuggies!

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

ANYONE can feed compressed meat products to their kids. I am trying to create JOY here, so DO AS I SAY.

PRINCESS LILIBET OF SUSSEX

I WANT CHICKY NUGGIES!

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Harry, PLEASE speak to your daughter.

PRINCE HARRY, DUKE OF SUSSEX

Darling, let her have the chicky nuggies.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

How is she EVER going to open her mind to all the wonderful tastes and smells my kitchen has to offer if I just give her the fucking chicky nuggies?! I will count to three, Lili, and you will--

LILIBET tosses a handful of QUICHE directly into MEGHAN's pristine ivory $1,325 LORO PIANA CASHMERE SWEATER. MEGHAN slowly turns to face the CAMERA.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(one eye twitching)

Turn that off right now. Right now.

She glances down. PRINCE ARCHIE OF SUSSEX is tugging on her sweater.

PRINCE ARCHIE OF SUSSEX

Mummy, the goats are eating the streamers.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(storms off)

YOU STUPID RUMINANTS, THOSE STREAMERS COST MORE THAN YOUR--

CAMERA

(cuts out)

EXT. FRONT DRIVE

YOU walk as fast as possible to a waiting LYFT. MEGHAN follows YOU.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Wait, you're leaving already? But we haven't even had our seven-mile shinrin-yoku session!

YOU turn around sharply.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

Come on, you can book another day off! Just tell your boss that Meghan, Duchess of Sussex invited you over to cram joy down your throat.

A long PAUSE as MEGHAN takes in everything YOU say.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

I see. Well, suit yourself.

(eye twitches again)

You get no joy. No friendship. No elevated mocktails. No hand-hooked dressing room rug.

(full-body shaking)

No Christmas letter printed on paper made of 100% recycled biker-bar matches. And DEFINITELY no guest appearance in my three-hour National Mindfulness Day special. You get NOTHING, I SAY, NOTHING, NOTHING--

She drops to the GROUND, wraps her ARMS around her THIGHS, and begins rocking back and forth.

MEGHAN, DUCHESS OF SUSSEX

(singing through a manic grin)

"This is my fight song... take back my life song... prove I'm all right sooooo-ooooong..."

HARRY enters the frame and sighs.

PRINCE HARRY, DUKE OF SUSSEX

Look what you've done, Dad. I hope you're happy.

END