FADE IN:

INT. GEOFFREY RUSH'S OFFICE

HELENA BONHAM CARTER finds GEOFFREY RUSH.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

My word, good day to you fine sir! My husband, the Duke of York, needs your help with his disability.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Sounds like he's going for an Oscar.  Does he know to never go "full-retard"?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Indubitably!  It's just a stutter and he's very handsome so I think he's fine.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Great!  Well, I'd love to help your husband, and I need the work since I am actually a struggling actor whose manner of speech has severely limited the range of roles I am offered!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

My, what a fascinating character!

GEOFFREY RUSH

Character?

INT. SANDRINGHAM ESTATE

MICHAEL GAMBON flawlessly recites a Christmas address into a MICROPHONE.  COLIN FIRTH watches in awe.

MICHAEL GAMBON

...and they will march just as they have done for centuries, ever since the emperor penguin decided to stay, to live and love in the harshest place on Earth.  Merry Christmas, Sassenachs!

COLIN FIRTH

Great work, Dad!  Hopefully I'll never have to do that because of my s-s-stutter.

MICHAEL GAMBON

You may become the next king, so you should practice your mic skills.  Just freestyle, I can lay down a beat for you.

COLIN FIRTH

Alright.  P-p-people of Great B-b-b-b--

MICHAEL GAMBON

JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF HUMAN WASTE!

COLIN FIRTH

Well, that explains all of this then. Thanks for p-p-providing such a simplistic background for my s-s-stutter.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Yep, mission accomplished!

(dies)

INT. GEOFFREY RUSH'S OFFICE

COLIN FIRTH drives to GEOFFREY'S OFFICE and takes a HANDICAPPED SPACE right in front of LARRY DAVID.

COLIN FIRTH

Good afternoon, I -- whoa, suddenly this office looks really familiar, weird.  Ahem, anyway, I was hoping you c-c-could help me.

GEOFFREY RUSH

What the fuck kind of stutter is that?  I knew kids with stutters growing up, they just repeat syllables or phrases.  You sound like the soundtrack to "Face Fucking Sluts 15."

COLIN FIRTH

Listen, I need your help!  Forget about quadriplegics, the blind, and the mentally handicapped!  I have a s-s-stutter!  Things can't possibly be worse!

GEOFFREY RUSH

Alright, we'll start with some vocal exercises, then transition to some melodramatic conversations about your psychological issues, eventually have a fight that splits us apart, then finally face a serious threat that makes us realize the importance of our friendship.

COLIN FIRTH

Great, just don't have me gargle marbles.  The last guy did that and I swallowed one.  Now I don't know what to say when I overhear people saying "there goes the Duke of York, that guy acts like he shits marble."

COLIN FIRTH embarrasses himself, GEOFFREY RUSH slightly less so.

GEOFFREY RUSH

You're doing great, and by the way I think you'd make an excellent king!

COLIN FIRTH

You asshole, I am deeply offended by that!

(becomes new king)

Okay we're friends again, help me not talk like the kid from "It."

INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE

GEOFFREY continues coaching COLIN as VARIOUS SNOOTY DOUCHEBAGS sneer.

SNOOTY DOUCHEBAG

Your Majesty, Mr. Rush is a lowly commoner, he shouldn't be in here, mwaaaarh.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Oh yeah, play up the fact that I'm poor, Oscar loves feeling like he's throwing a bone to the working class.

COLIN FIRTH

Geoffrey, Wormtail has informed me that we're at war with Germany now.  I need to give a radio address, help me prepare.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Okay, do you remember earlier in the movie when I just played some music into headphones for you and you flawlessly recited Shakespeare?

COLIN FIRTH

Yes!  Will we be employing that trick again?

GEOFFREY RUSH

No, but we will be using a wide array of like 20 other tricks, all of which are more difficult and less effective!

COLIN FIRTH

Bully!

COLIN slowly approaches the ROYAL RECORDING STUDIO.

GEOFFREY RUSH

I believe in you, your Majesty!  Now give your speech, scored to the sound of Beethoven's 7th symphony!

COLIN FIRTH

Beethoven?  As in, the composer that Hitler held up as a shining example of superior Germanic culture?  Doesn't that set the wrong tone for a speech about going to war with Hitler?

It DOES.  COLIN takes so long giving his speech that the WAR ENDS.

COLIN FIRTH

We did it!  You helped me overcome my stammer!

GEOFFREY RUSH

You didn't overcome shit.  I just have a big bag of tricks and distractions that you used to barely force your way through a speech.  I didn't cure anything.  What's uplifting about this?  This is fucking depressing.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Yeah, but it's based on a true story, so we're impervious to criticism and free to rake in a truckload of awards.  Maybe people will even notice I'm actually a decent actress when I'm not in one of Tim Burton's piles of puke.

COLIN FIRTH

Most importantly, I've set a proud example for my daughter, the future Queen Elizabeth II!

GEOFFREY RUSH

Wait a minute, did we just shoot a fucking prequel to The Queen?

SCREENWRITERS begin scouring KING GEORGE V'S WIKIPEDIA PAGE for more OSCAR BAIT POTENTIAL.

END