FADE IN:

INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE

HER MAJESTY HELEN MIRREN welcomes newly elected PRIME MINISTER MICHAEL SHEEN, whose GRIN is wide enough to knock MILLIONS OF POUNDS' WORTH OF PRICELESS PORTRAITS off the WALLS as he enters.

HM HELEN MIRREN

Welcome to Buckingham Palace, Mr. Sheen. As you can see, this is a very old and traditional place, befitting a very old and traditional country. As your Sovereign, I advise you not to fuck about with that.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

No need to worry, ma'am. I'll just say things you disapprove of every now and then, although you'll miss me 20 years from now. It's really my wife who wishes to destroy everything for which you stand.

HM HELEN MIRREN

Yes, there's been a lot of that going around lately...

INT. THE TELLY

A series of NEWS CLIPS plays.

BBC REPORTER

The perfect and beautiful and amazing Princess Diana was photographed today prancing in an idyllic sunlit meadow, surrounded by smiling bluebirds.

CNN REPORTER

Buckingham Palace released a statement today denying that the Duke of Edinburgh referred to the perfect and beautiful and amazing Princess Diana as "that bloody blond roboqueef."

SEAN HANNITY

Is the mainstream media hiding a video of President Bill Clinton looking at the perfect and beautiful and amazing Princess Diana and saying "I'd tap that"?

FRANCE 24 REPORTER

SACRÉ MERDE! La parfaite et magnifique et exceptionnelle Princesse Diana est morte!

INT. BALMORAL CASTLE

The ROYALS stare at the TELLY in shock.

ALEX JENNINGS, PRINCE OF WALES

Mummy, what does one do in the event of the death of their loathed trophy spouse?

HM HELEN MIRREN

Pretend they never existed, dear.

ALEX JENNINGS, PRINCE OF WALES

Mmm... no. That's not the kind of king I'm totally and without question going to be as soon as you kick the bucket. I shall fly to Paris and fetch her corpse.

PRINCE JAMES CROMWELL, DUKE OF EDINBURGH

Oh, leave it for the pigeons. They can't live on macarons alone.

HM HELEN MIRREN

James! Don't let the boys hear you say such things. In fact, every decision we make for the rest of this week must be for the benefit of our grandsons. Isn't that right, Mummy?

SYLVIA SYMS, THE QUEEN MOTHER

(knocks back shot of Royal Lochnagar)

Oh, indubitably. Perhaps some gunplay would lift their spirits.

PRINCE JAMES CROMWELL, DUKE OF EDINBURGH

Bloody brilliant!

HM HELEN frowns in DISAPPROVAL.

INT. NO. 10

PM MICHAEL looks over a SPEECH by press secretary MARK BAZELEY.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

"The British people mourn the perfect and beautiful and amazing Princess Diana, a beacon of hope shining forth from the dank, wrinkled arsepit that is the Royal Family." Mark, I can't say that.

MARK BAZELEY

Why not? That's what you call the fuckers all the time. That line killed at the Newcastle match.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

Well, I'm prime minister now. Let's try something equally cutting, but more subtle.

MARK BAZELEY

"The British people mourn the perfect and beautiful and amazing Princess Diana, a rather nice-smelling non-arsepit who never got wrinkles, cough cough."

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

Perfect. Speaking of which, any word from the royals?

MARK BAZELEY

Well, we got a note from Prince James about the funeral: "Just stuff her in a fucking tea tin and be done with it."

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

Seriously? Do these people care NOTHING for my I mean their poll numbers? Get me Balmoral.

EXT. SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS

The ROYALS gather for a picnic of SWAN and HAGGIS.

HM HELEN MIRREN

We've had a call from No. 10 about the funeral. They said "Think as big as the wedding, only with more sobbing schoolgirls and poofs." And then they laughed.

SYLVIA SYMS, THE QUEEN MOTHER

(knocks back shot)

Simply daft. Next they'll tell us they wish to invite Fergie.

ALEX JENNINGS, PRINCE OF WALES

Perhaps, for the sake of my I mean our poll numbers, we could permit a small number of poofs.

PRINCE JAMES CROMWELL, DUKE OF EDINBURGH

The poofs don't enter into it, boy! The point is, our funerals have ALWAYS been cold and proper and dull. And that's for royals we still like! What did they say about the tea tin?

HM HELEN MIRREN

They were quite firm that the tea tin is out.

PRINCE JAMES CROMWELL, DUKE OF EDINBURGH

STUPID GITS!

INT. THE PAPERS

A series of HEADLINES is shown.

THE TIMES OF LONDON

"Poll: Royal Family cocking up Diana's death"

THE DAILY STAR

"ROYALS COCK THE BLOODY THING UP"

THE FINANCIAL TIMES

"Markets indicate Royals cocking up death of Princess of Wales"

THE DAILY MAIL

"Posh Spice steps out in DARING mini amid Diana cock-up"

THE EVENING STANDARD

"Royal Family cocking it up; Tube delays expected"

THE GUARDIAN

"How the term 'cock-up' reveals Britain's toxic masculinity"

THE SUN

"TALK ABOUT COCKS UP: FINAL PICS OF DIANA'S TITS ON PAGE 3!"

INT. HM HELEN'S STUDY

HM HELEN is frowning at the PAPERS with DISAPPROVAL when she gets a PHONE CALL from PM MICHAEL.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

Your Majesty, in light of these headlines, I believe you should return to London and say something nice about Diana. Nothing to do with her tits, of course.

HM HELEN MIRREN

Mr. Sheen, I shall not do anything to compromise the privacy or well-being of my grandsons. It's bad enough that they're already getting bundles of marriage proposals written in pink crayon, half of them from that odd Middleton girl. We shall remain on our 50-thousand-acre estate and return when the Queen Mother runs out of whisky, and I assure you that will not be soon. Good day.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

Ma'am, I must implore you--

HM HELEN MIRREN

I SAID GOOD DAY.

She hangs up and drives into the WOODS, where she stops short at the sight of a BEAUTIFUL RED STAG whose HIDE has been branded with the word "SYMBOLISM."

INT. PM MICHAEL'S HOUSE

PM MICHAEL and his wife, HELEN MCCRORY, watch the TELLY.

BBC REPORTER

New polling indicates that opposition to the monarchy is growing. The Queen has slipped to #2 on the list of most popular family members still living, with the corgis taking first place.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

This is bad. Ever so bad.

HELEN MCCRORY

Why? I thought you WANTED voters to oppose the monarchy.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

I wanted them to like me more. That's hardly the same thing.

HELEN MCCRORY

Well, if they're gone, the British people can finally stop spending millions of pounds on people who have gotten everything they've ever had simply by being pushed out of the right royal fanny.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

Don't you see, you dozy cow? If they go, we get no state dinners at Buckingham! The chocolate biscuit cake is supposed to be delectable! GET ME BALMORAL!

INT. BALMORAL CASTLE

HM HELEN walks with QUEEN SYLVIA.

HM HELEN MIRREN

The PM recommended that I return to London and make a statement on live television. He also suggested that I sob my eyes out over the strumpet, just for good measure, but of course we can't have that.

SYLVIA SYMS, THE QUEEN MOTHER

(knocks back shot)

I don't see the point of any of it. There's hardly a chance of anyone storming the palace and beheading us all. Short of that, they can't get rid of you.

HM HELEN MIRREN

But, Mummy, if I don't do SOMETHING, the people might actually WANT Alex to be king.

SYLVIA SYMS, THE QUEEN MOTHER

Oh. Yes. Quite right.

(downs entire bottle)

INT. BBC STUDIO

HM HELEN frowns with DISAPPROVAL into the CAMERA.

HM HELEN MIRREN

"We are touched by the grief which you all have displayed over the death of the perfect and beautiful and amazing Princess Diana, who proved to the world that smiling at street urchins is the quickest path to popularity. While there is little hope for me and even less for my eldest son--you know it's true, Alex--there may come a generation of royals that earns your love in the same fashion. In the meantime, I shall settle for your grudging respect and occasional affection, as all queens who never burned anyone at the stake must. I shall close with a message from my husband: 'We gave up good hunting time for you fucking sods, now do shit off.'"

Her POLL NUMBERS instantly improve.

ALEX JENNINGS, PRINCE OF WALES

Good show, Mummy. Our position is more secure than ever before.

HM HELEN MIRREN

Indeed, dear. Especially mine.

(winks)

ALEX JENNINGS, PRINCE OF WALES

Oh... bugger.

INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE

HM HELEN meets with PM MICHAEL.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

I do apologize if you felt I overstepped, ma'am. But it's all worked out for the best, and Sir Elton's record sales have never been this good.

HM HELEN MIRREN

The people can be quite fickle, Prime Minister. They may come to oppose YOU someday.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

I can't see why they'd do that.

INT. SIX YEARS LATER

HM HELEN meets with PM MICHAEL.

HM HELEN MIRREN

My goodness, these poll numbers.

PM MICHAEL SHEEN

Blast the people.

HM HELEN MIRREN

You certainly did.

END