FADE IN:

OPENING TEXT

In the future, America's citizens continued to argue over the country's biggest problems like medicare, immigration reform, women's reproductive rights and massive unemployment. Then the government simply threw its hands in the air and said "fuck it, we'll just let everybody kill each other for 12 hours each year without any legal consequences" and problems solved!

EXT. RICH UPPER CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD - 2022

Home security salesman ETHAN HAWKE returns to his GATED COMMUNITY.

WOLFMAN JACK (V.O.)

(on radio)

The purge is just an excuse for the rich to get rid of the poor and unwanted members of our society via murderized gentrification!

ETHAN HAWKE

Wow, you mean a commercial horror film is actually going to attempt some apt social commentary for a change?

WOLFMAN JACK (V.O.)

Not really. That 10 second blurb was as much social commentary as we could fit into this 85 minute schlockfest.

ETHAN's wife LENA HEADEY talks with her kindly neighbor ARIJA BAREIKIS and her CRAZY EYES.

ARIJA BAREIKIS

I'm the winner of the "Cast Member With The Craziest Fucking Name" award.

LENA HEADEY

So Arija, I hear you and your husband are having a Purge Party this year and you didn't invite us?

ARIJA BAREIKIS

What? Oh no. We're just having a few friends over and are totally not secretly planning to kill anyone (bitch).

LENA HEADEY

What was that?

ARIJA BAREIKIS

Nothing. Now you and that (dipshit) husband of yours have a safe Purge night (bitch)!

(leaves)

LENA HEADEY

Such polite neighbors we have.

INT. ETHAN HAWKE'S MANSION

ETHAN's son MAX BURKHOLDER is showing his mother LENA his creepy REMOTE CONTROL CAR which is made out of a MAIMED CABBAGE PATCH KID.

MAX BURKHOLDER

Look mommy! My toy has a Canon 15 megapixel camera and a Bose surround system and a Terminator eye! And I can see what it sees through these Google glasses while I hide in my secret crawl space that no one knows about!

LENA HEADEY

Great expositioning, son. I'm sure the audience doesn't expect any of that stuff to come into play at a crucial moment. Now get out of my face you fucking weirdo.

Meanwhile ETHAN and LENA's daughter ADELAIDE KANE is in her room making out with her boyfriend TONY OLLER.

ADELAIDE KANE

I love you, Tony. It's too bad Ethan doesn't want us to be together because I'm jailbait and you're a pedo.

TONY OLLER

It's too bad there's not some special circumstance under which I could murder your dad without fear of being arrested so that we can be together.

ADELAIDE KANE

Indeed. Now you get on out of here before The Purge begins.

TONY OLLER

Uh, yeah, sure I will.

("leaves")

ADELAIDE KANE

I am a great judge of character.

ETHAN and his family are getting ready for THE PURGE to start.

MAX BURKHOLDER

Okay, we need to take 30 seconds to justify The Purge before all the death starts.

(pulls out stop-watch)

Aaaaaaaand... go!

ETHAN HAWKE

Unemployment is at 1% and crime is at an all time low. I call that a win.

LENA HEADEY

And if you want to bump off your ugly spouse or your jerk boss or that dipshit who forgot to put extra whip on your latte, then more power to you.

MAX BURKHOLDER

But what if someone commits a crime 10 minutes before the purge starts? Or 10 minutes after it ends? Are we just going by the honor system? The Purge seems like a really shit way to heal the economy. Do you realize how many dead bodies, burned buildings and property damage The Purge must cause? How is the country not a war zone by now?

ETHAN HAWKE

Apparently America's economy thrives on post-purge clean-up and pre-purge gun sales and home defense. Not to mention all the sudden job openings and available housing it creates!

MAX BURKHOLDER

But who the hell would even want to live in a country where murder, rape, and theft is okay for 12 hours every year?

ETHAN HAWKE

All the murderers, rapists and thieves, doi.

MAX BURKHOLDER

But we're rich! Why can't we just go on vacation every year during the purge?

ETHAN HAWKE

And look like a bunch of pussies? No thank you. I'd rather take a knife to the gut.

MAX BURKHOLDER

But isn't the fact we're not participating in the purge kinda make us look like pussies anyway?

ETHAN HAWKE

Oh look, a fog horn just initiated the purge and I have a closet full of weapons I could use to kill a kid who won't stop asking plot-stomping questions so shut up already.

ADELAIDE KANE

I've been pretty fucking useless so far so I'm going to go to my room and continue being even more completely fucking uselesser.

TONY OLLER

Surprise! I stuck around to "talk" your dad into letting me date you!

ADELAIDE KANE

Wait why is "talk" in quotes? Are you planning to murder my father?

TONY OLLER

No, silly. I'm just going to "convince" him we should be together.

ADELAIDE KANE

Wait why was "convince" in quotes? I should be suspicious of you but I'm kind of a twit so I'll just sit here with my eyes closed and listening to Iggy Azalea while you go wandering around my house on a night where murder is okay.

TONY OLLER

Thanks honey. I'll be back right after I "kill" your dad.

ADELAIDE KANE

(gasp!)

TONY OLLER

With kindness.

ADELAIDE KANE

(swoons)

Oh you.

Meanwhile MAX tears himself away from being a CREEPY DORK for two seconds in order to see EDWIN HODGE outside running from a mob of KILLER MIMES.

EDWIN HODGE

Please help me! I'm a token black guy in a horror flick! I'm a fucking dead man for sure!

MAX shuts down ETHAN'S SUPER HIGH TECH SECURITY SYSTEM with a super complex SIX DIGIT CODE and lets EDWIN inside.

EDWIN HODGE

Thanks kid! I almost got my ass shot off!

ETHAN HAWKE

(appearing with a gun)

Funny you should say that!

TONY OLLER

(appearing with a gun)

No, funny YOU should say that!

TONY tries to shoot ETHAN, who does what every father of a sexually active teenage girl dating a horny older guy dreams of doing and makes her SINGLE AGAIN.

ADELAIDE KANE

Great, there goes my date to prom.

ETHAN HAWKE

What the fuck is the deal with my children letting strange men into the house on National Murder Night?

EDWIN hides while the house is surrounded by a group of HIPSTER TRICK R TREATERS.

NOT PATRICK BATEMAN

Good evening kind sir. My friends and I have taken a break from listening to Huey Lewis and The News to bludgeon Edwin Hodge to death. Where might he be?

ETHAN HAWKE

As soon as we find him we'll send him right out. Fuck that guy.

NOT PATRICK BATEMAN

Oh dear me. If Edwin isn't out here soon we're coming in to get him.

ETHAN HAWKE

Ha! My house is protected by a super expensive high tech security system! There's no way to get in without knowing its one weakness!

NOT PATRICK BATEMAN

You mean a pickup truck with a winch?

ETHAN HAWKE

FUCK! Okayokayokayokayokay, let's talk about this.

NOT PATRICK BATEMAN

Fine, but I should warn you I do all my talking while stabbing things, and killing the wife and children of the thing I'm stabbing.

ETHAN HAWKE

Why are you wasting your time trying to kill this one random guy instead of just finding someone else to kill? Did he accidentally suffocate your daughter or something?

NOT PATRICK BATEMAN

Well that depends. Are you going to kill me with a bear trap? Look, just find Edwin. And my minions have cut the power making it pitch black inside the house in order to make your search that much easier. You're welcome!

LENA HEADEY

Quick Ethan! Let's retreat to our panic room!

ETHAN HAWKE

Our whazza whazza?

LENA HEADEY

Huh? You're a security salesman and you never thought to install a fucking panic room in our house?

ETHAN HAWKE

Let's just pretend panic rooms don't exist in 2022, shall we?

EDWIN is hiding when MAX finds him with his REMOTE CONTROL ROBOT.

MAX BURKHOLDER

Follow my robot to my secret crawl space!

EDWIN HODGE

Why are you doing this? Don't you care that you're putting your entire family in danger by helping me?

MAX BURKHOLDER

Dude, have you met my family? My sister is a ho bag, my dad is an elitist prick, and my mom is a Lannister. I've only known you for two minutes and already you're more likeable than they are.

ADELAIDE KANE

Hey Max, I've decided to double down on being completely fucking useless and go hide in your secret crawl space and oh hello Edwin.

ETHAN and LENA capture EDWIN and tie him up with the aid of some duct tape and a poorly placed LETTER OPENER.

ETHAN HAWKE

Yes! Now all I have to do is send Edwin outside and save my family!

(pause)

I've changed my mind. Let's protect Edwin!

EDWIN HODGE

Wait, what? Why?

ETHAN HAWKE

Because the plot says so! Now it's up to me to kill all of the intruders single handedly!

EDWIN HODGE

No, dude, seriously, don't be a dumbass. I am giving you my permission to sacrifice me in order to save your family.

ETHAN HAWKE

I like my plan better! Now I must RELEASE THE BEAST!

NOT PATRICK BATEMAN and his MINIONS break in.

ADELAIDE hides under the bed which NOBODY thinks to look under and MAX hides in the DARK with his FLASHLIGHT cranked up to FULL BRIGHTNESS because the concept of hiding is ROCKET SCIENCE.

Meanwhile ETHAN slaughters a METRIC FUCKTON of the NOT PATRICK BATEMAN BRIGADE with an assist from his BOOMSTICK.

NOT PATRICK BATEMAN

Hey Ethan, wanna see a magic trick? I'm going to make this knife disappear.

(stabs ETHAN)

Ta-da! It's gone!

Meanwhile LENA is captured by MACHETE GIRL who tries to murder LENA not with a MACHETE but with a case of THE TICKLES.

MACHETE GIRL

Wait a minute, I'm starting to think the saying "tickling someone to death" isn't actually a real thing.

(is shot dead)

ETHAN, LENA and MAX regroup and take a moment to CUDDLE out in the open with NO WEAPONS.

ETHAN HAWKE

Boy, I sure hope all the intruders are dead otherwise we are clearly begging for death.

NOT PATRICK BATEMAN

(appearing)

Then allow me to oblige! Hey Max, how's it feel to know your actions led to your family's deaths? Don't worry, you'll only have to live with the guilt for another five seconds or so. Oh, hey Adelaide. What are you doing with that gun

(is shot dead)

ADELAIDE KANE

I finally got bored with being 110 pounds of dead weight and got to save everybody. Yay!

ETHAN HAWKE

I'm so proud of you princess. Errk!

(dies)

LENA's neighbors appear led by ARIJA and her SOULLESS FUCKING CRAZY EYES.

LENA HEADEY

Wow! So you guys are the ones who helped us fight off Not Patrick Bateman and the Batemanettes? Thanks for saving us Arija!

ARIJA BAREIKIS

If by "saving us" you mean "killed those other ass clowns so I would have the pleasure of killing you myself" then you're very welcome!

LENA HEADEY

What? That's bullshit! What did we ever do to you?!

ARIJA BAREIKIS

Your husband made a fuckload of money by selling the entire neighborhood our security systems and then threw it in our faces!

LENA HEADEY

Wait one fucking minute. You want to kill us because my husband, a security salesman, sold you FUCKING SECURITY that YOU WILLINGLY BOUGHT to protect you from the purge? A security system which you are NOT EVEN FUCKING USING RIGHT NOW? How is that our fault?!

ARIJA BAREIKIS

Seeing as how we have the same security system as you do and yours was brought down by a bunch of yuppies in a Chevy tells me we're making the right call here. But since Ethan is dead we'll just have to settle for you and your children who did absolutely nothing to us!

LENA HEADEY

PLEASE SPARE MY CHILDREN!

ARIJA BAREIKIS

Fuck you Lena. The Starks send their regards!

ARIJA and her fellow KILLERS form a MURDER PRAYER CIRCLE around the family and are about to kill them when EDWIN suddenly goes all DJANGO UNCHAINED.

EDWIN HODGE

Arija is still alive! Want me to kill her for you?

LENA HEADEY

Fucking yes I do!

(reads script)

Wait, fucking no I don't!

EDWIN HODGE

Huh? But these jerks were about to stab your kids to death!

LENA HEADEY

No more killing! We're just going to sit quietly and wait for the purge to be over. Fuck the audience's sense of catharsis.

THIS HAPPENS.

ARIJA BAREIKIS

Wait, so that's it? Ethan dies and we all go free? Oh well. I guess I'll just have to try harder to kill you next year!

(leaves)

EDWIN HODGE

Thanks again Max. I hope getting your father killed in order to save a homeless stranger who can't find work in an economy with 1% unemployment was worth it! Wow, I can't believe the black guy lived!

MAX BURKHOLDER

I think I know who I'm planning to kill next year.

LENA HEADEY

Me too.

ADELAIDE KANE

Me three.

EDWIN HODGE

Pfft, like I'm sticking around for that. I'm moving to Mexico where it's safe.

END