FADE IN:

EXT. TITLE SEQUENCE

The words "TULIP FEVER" appear on screen in WHITE TEXT, except for the F, which is red, symbolizing the BIG RED F that should have been scrawled on the front page of the SHOOTING SCRIPT.

EXT. 17TH CENTURY AMSTERDAM

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER writes a LETTER or tells a BEDTIME STORY or SOMETHING to her DAUGHTER.

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

"My dearest Alicia: So I guess you asked why your name is Alicia, because I can't imagine why else I'd be telling you any of this. The story of your name is such a hot mess of bad decisions that you'll wish you had a name with fewer embarrassing connotations. Like Bella. But here we are, after $25 million and three years of delays. Strap the hell in."

EXT. EIGHT YEARS AGO

HOLLIDAY is the loyal maid of ALICIA VIKANDER, who is unhappily married to rich but old CHRISTOPH WALTZ and his STUPID NECK RUFFLE.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

(actual repeated line)

(by Christoph Waltz)

(yes, that Christoph Waltz)

(that's right, Christoph motherfucking Waltz)

I think my little soldier is ready!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Well, apparently he can't shoot straight, because it's been three years of monotonous sex and I still haven't produced your longed-for son.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Yes, but you're still a sweet piece of ass, so I think I'll keep you. Anyway, the poor but sensitive artist Dane DeHaan is coming to paint your portrait.

ALICIA VIKANDER

...Fucking REALLY?

DANE arrives and he and ALICIA instantly fall in LOVE.

SOUNDTRACK

Oh droooooomwever, ik geloof je me door de nacht kan krijgeeeeeen...

Meanwhile, HOLLIDAY enjoys a reasonably genuine ROMANCE with lowly fishmonger JACK O'CONNELL.

JACK O'CONNELL

I totally love you. I'm going to make money on the tulip market so we can get married.

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

What a wonderful idea! Tulips will pay off forever! And if they don't, the world will learn from our mistake and be more cautious about the markets in the future.

CHRISTIAN BALE

(smirks)

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

(voiceover)

"Now this COULD be a fairly interesting plot point, right? Well, a coherent movie about it had to die to give you more of Alicia and Dane, whose attempt at a European accent sounded like a case of strep throat. Plus Cara Delevingne was there, but that's another letter."

INT. DANE'S SHABBY BUT BEAUTIFULLY SUNLIT STUDIO WITH ONLY A MESSY BED AND SOME EASELS

ALICIA comes over and she and DANE instantly bone.

DANE DEHAAN

I totally love you. Let me draw you naked.

ALICIA VIKANDER

OH MY FUCKING GOD. But sure.

For their next meeting, she disguises herself with HOLLIDAY'S CLOAK, which is apparently the only DARK GRAY CLOAK in all of Amsterdam. JACK spots her at DANE'S DOOR, assumes she's HOLLIDAY, and goes into a BLIND RAGE that leads to a BAR FIGHT.

NAVY OFFICER

Right, then, you're one of us now! Off to Africa!

JACK O'CONNELL

Oh, that's a convenient way to get me out of the plot's way. I guess having aliens kidnap me was too improbable.

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

(voiceover)

"So, that happened. Also, everyone else in Amsterdam was still investing in tulip bulbs. I swear those will actually be important later, but, let's be honest, this is mostly about Alicia Vikander's sad face."

EXT. THE BEACH AT SUNSET WITH WATER GENTLY ROLLING IN AND THE SKY DAPPLED IN BLUE AND GOLD

DANE and ALICIA pose for a NICHOLAS SPARKS BOOK COVER.

DANE DEHAAN

(actual line)

If I were rich, I could take you away.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Yeah, too bad there isn't a relatively painless way for even the biggest schmuck in Amsterdam to make gobs of money.

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

(voiceover)

"Which, of course, there totally was. Once Dane got the cash, it would have been a fairly simple escape if you, my sweet daughter, hadn't gotten in the way."

INT. CHRISTOPH'S ELEGANTLY DECORATED BUT COLD AND POORLY LIT HOUSE

HOLLIDAY confides in ALICIA.

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

Jack's gone and I'm with child. I have to find him and marry him or I'll be 'shamed! Christoph will throw me out, he will!

ALICIA VIKANDER

OK, calm down, I have a solution that can help us both. First, we'll pretend that I'm the one who's pregnant. When you puke, I pretend to puke. When you need examining, I'll get examined. I'll stuff a pillow up my dress to throw off Christoph, and you'll just wear bigger dresses. Just in case, we'll bribe that weird Dr. Tom Hollander to tell him not to touch me or share my bed. Then when you go into labor, we'll shut the door and pretend I'm the one in labor, and then I'll pretend to die. That'll get me out of the house so I can meet Dane, and you can take care of the kid. Good?

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

...That is the dumbest fucking plan ever. EVER. It's the new codifier for "Idiot Plot" on TV Tropes. Dan Brown and E.L. James are having a right larf over you. Entire seasons of Gilligan's Island have been saner. There is NO WAY IN HELL we'll pull it off.

(voiceover)

"But we did. This worked for the entire pregnancy. He didn't suspect a thing. Not even the night you were born, when Alicia was pretending to scream in pain to cover up my actual screams of pain. There were clearly two voices. This fucking guy, man."

DR. TOM HOLLANDER arrives.

DR. TOM HOLLANDER

Goedenavond, everybody!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Goedenavond, Dr. Tom! Listen, I've already lost two babies and my first wife. If you must choose between the life of the mother and the life of the child, I beg you, save Alicia. I really do love her even though I've basically treated her like Dutch Melania up until right now.

DR. TOM HOLLANDER

Ummm... wow, I actually feel kind of sorry for you. You're really not a bad guy despite your habit of humanizing your genitals.

(remembers sweet, sweet payoff)

Whoops, no can do. She's dead.

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

(voiceover)

"And Christoph believed him, which was helped by the fact that I was clean, dressed and on my feet within seconds of giving birth while there was nary a speck of blood on Alicia. Not a one! Did he not have EYES?!"

ALICIA is put into a coffin and rowed to DANE's place, managing to arrive alive despite the absence of AIRHOLES. She finds him surrounded by people to whom he owes MONEY. Or something.

DANE DEHAAN

Don't worry, baby, it's all under control. I'm just waiting on an important tulip bulb. My trusty pal and known alcoholic Zach Galifianakis will get it for me, as long as he doesn't stop for a beer on the way.

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

(belches)

DANE DEHAAN

See? It's cool!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Right... WHOOOOOOOOA SUDDEN GUILT ATTACK BACK TO CHRISTOPH'S HOUSE!

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

(voiceover)

"Dane didn't notice her leave, nor did Christoph notice her outside his window minutes later. Alicia and I both resumed screaming to cover up the sound of critics' heads exploding."

Overcome by GUILT, ALICIA throws the only BLUE CLOAK in all of Amsterdam into the CANAL. Meanwhile, ZACH visits ABBESS JUDI DENCH.

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

(farts)

I'm here for the thing.

ABBESS JUDI DENCH

What thing, you drunken sod?

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

(scratches balls)

You know, the thing. The thing Dane wanted.

ABBESS JUDI DENCH

Oh, yes, the thing. Here it is.

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

(pisses self)

Thanks, Your Majesty.

He gets HAMMERED on the way back.

DANE DEHAAN

Dude, the thing?

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

Oh... I, uh, I ate it.

DANE DEHAAN

YOU ATE IT?!

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

I thought it was an onion!

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

(voiceover)

"I swear, my darling, I am not making that up. Dane DeHaan's future was upended by Zach Galifianakis mistaking a tulip bulb for an onion. It hurts my teeth to say that out loud."

DANE finally notices that ALICIA is gone. He finds her CLOAK in the CANAL.

DANE DEHAAN

NOOOOO! It cannot be! I mean, maybe it isn't, there isn't a body anywhere, but NOOOOO!

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

(voiceover)

"Then the tulip market tanked, but that's not important right now."

INT. MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE GOD, MAKE THE MADNESS STOP

JACK O'CONNELL returns.

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

Where the hell have you been?!

JACK O'CONNELL

Far away from you, you cheating hoor!

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

Alicia was the cheating hoor, you moron! See this baby? It's yours! Maybe you would have known all this by now if people in this universe TALKED TO EACH OTHER!!!

She suddenly notices that CHRISTOPH has just heard ALL THAT.

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

Oh... uh...

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

(sighs)

Fuck this noise. You two get the house and the kid. I'm leaving forever to exploit the people of Indonesia for profit.

He leaves.

JACK O'CONNELL

OK, what the fuck is going on?

AUDIENCE

(shrugs)

HOLLIDAY GRAINGER

"So we kept the house and birthed your seven brothers and sisters in as many years. Christoph found a new wife and children in Indonesia, although I'd rather not think about how. Judi commissioned Dane to paint the abbey walls, where he spotted Alicia as a nun, but did nothing about it because, duh, she was a nun. To this day, we call you Alicia in honor of how she ruined everything for everyone involved but us with her stupid, stupid plan. In case you're wondering, this also explains why your full name is Alicia Dipshit Dumbass Fucktard O'Connell, although I'll understand if you want to change it. Love, Mom."

END