FADE IN:

EXT. BANGLADESH

Professional badass CHRIS HEMSWORTH mows down a dozen BAD GUYS!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Wait, what’s happening? Why are we fighting? Who cares!

CHRIS gets shot and DIES! Or DOES HE?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(life-force ebbing)

It’s almost as if...there’s an unseen audience...that could just rewatch Tiger King for the tenth time if we don’t start with a cliffhanger!

EXT. INDIA

Professional badass RANDEEP HOODA watches over moody teen RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL.

RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL

Guess I’m trapped in this massive house with servants to attend to my every wish. Sigh.

(records cover of “Imagine”)

RUDHRAKSH’S STONER BUDDY

Psst, come do drugs!

RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL

Hmm, given that my dad is in prison for being a drug dealer, I probably shouldn’t…

RUDHRAKSH is promptly seduced by the DEVIL’S LETTUCE, but GOONS working for drug lord PRIYANSHU PAINYULI appear and blow away his STONER BUDDY!

RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL

Holy shit, D.A.R.E.’s teen outreach program is getting extreme!

(is kidnapped)

EXT. AUSTRALIA

CHRIS jumps off a cliff into a river and explodes on impact broods underwater until professional -- okay, you know what, just assume everybody is a professional badass from here on out -- GOLSHIFTEH FARAHANI arrives.

GOLSHIFTEH FARAHANI

Hey Chris, we need a white savior to rescue Rudhraksh and --

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I’m in.

GOLSHIFTEH FARAHANI

Wow, just like that? We’re not even gonna do a little token “resisting the call?”

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Okay, fine. Get David Harbour to do it. Actually, why didn’t you start with him before coming to bumfuck Australia? He even lives in the same city where the bad guys took Rudhraksh.

GOLSHIFTEH FARAHANI

No can do. He’s out of the hostage rescue game...as opposed to your busy schedule of amateur cliff diving and getting shitfaced, I guess?

EXT. BANGLADESH

CHRIS and GOLSHIFTEH meet up with a SENTIENT BEARD that has consumed DIRECTOR SAM HARGRAVE and the rest of their TEAM.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Hang on, I thought the graphic novel this is based on was set somewhere in South America?

SAM HARGRAVE

All the same to Hollywood! Now go rescue Rudhraksh.

CHRIS, whose character’s name is TYLER RAKE, uses a RAKE to kill a bunch of BAD GUYS because subtlety can FUCK RIGHT OFF.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(shrugs)

At least I’m not Tyler Dildo.

EXT. GRITTY, DIRTY RIVER

SAM and VONZELL CARTER prepare to escape with CHRIS and JAISWAL in a...slow-ass boat?

VONZELL CARTER

Hmm, I’m hearing strange noises from the dark depths of the hull, my cell phone doesn’t have any service, and I’ve never seen a horror movie so I better check this out all on my own!

RANDEEP emerges from the shadows and slaughters CHRIS’ TEAM!

SAM HARGRAVE

Oh no, we’ve been sold out -- it’s almost like trusting a drug lord wasn’t a smart move.

(dies)

EXT. GRITTIER, DIRTIER SLUMS

CHRIS drives and shoots and punches and stabs his way through the city with RUDHRAKSH while RANDEEP follows in hot pursuit and hey, wait a second -- when was the last time there was a cut?!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

That’s right, baby!

(puts on sunglasses)

This is our big One-Take-Action-Scene™!

RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL

Gee, we’ve almost gone for a full NINETEEN minutes and SEVENTEEN seconds! Good thing this didn’t come out on the heels of a giant movie that made that its whole gimmick, huh?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I’m just excited to be in an action sequence that’s actually coherent and isn’t cut to hell.

(glares at THE RUSSO BROTHERS)

CHRIS and RANDEEP finally hit each other with TRUCKS, which does nothing but knock one strand of hair loose from RANDEEP’S TACTICAL MAN-BUN.

INT. PRIYANSHU’S PALACE OF OPULENT OPULENCE

Corrupt colonel SHATAF FIGAR meets with PRIYANSHU.

SHATAF FIGAR

Oooh, since all you’ve done so far is watch a henchman throw some kids off a roof, I bet this is where you get to reveal a deadly fighting skill or compelling backstory.

It ISN’T.

PRIYANSHU PAINYULI

I want everyone in the city to hunt down Chris! Everrrrrryyyyooonnnne!

SHATAF FIGAR

I know people are already comparing our fight scenes to John Wick, but are we really cribbing the “literally everybody is an assassin” thing, too?

PRIYANSHU PAINYULI

Chris is now...excommunicado!

INT. SEWERS

CHRIS and RANDEEP escape by crawling through a river of pee and poo.

RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL

Is that why everything’s so yellow?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Nah, that’s just the standard Third World Filter.

SURAJ RIKAME and his PREPUBESCENT GOONS show up for another fight scene!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Wow, I went from throwing a truck into a Special Forces guy to bitch-slapping the Losers Club? So much for “escalating tension.”

CHRIS gives SURAJ an atomic wedgie, steals his lunch money, and picks him last for kickball. SURAJ scampers away while CHRIS hops on a call with GOLSHIFTEH.

GOLSHIFTEH FARAHANI

Ooh, I like your “filthy slum” Zoom background. But you better just abandon Rudhraksh and get out of there.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I wish I could, but he reminds me of my dead son and we’ve bonded.

RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL

We’ve said like four words to each other --

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

WE HAVE BONDED.

INT. DAVID HARBOUR’S DAD PAD

DAVID HARBOUR rescues CHRIS and RUDHRAKSH while wearing sunglasses at night, because he’s BALLER. Having temporarily reached safety, CHRIS does the responsible thing and gets plastered.

DAVID HARBOUR

You know, your whole “brooding alcoholic” thing might be a little easier to buy if you didn’t look like you could bench-press a school bus.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Seriously, who’d have thought Avengers: Endgame would have a more realistic portrayal of what I’d look like as a depressed drunkard?

DAVID HARBOUR

Aaanywho, I maybe kinda sold you guys out a little?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Eh, you were starting to upstage me anyway.

DAVID beats up CHRIS for a little longer than is believable. RUDHRAKSH intervenes and shoots DAVID!

RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL

Surely we’ll adequately address the life-altering impact this will have on me.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(tries to keep a straight face)

INT. MOTEL

RANDEEP pines for his WIFE and SON.

RANDEEP HOODA

That’s right, I actually have some depth, and a family of my own!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Rub it in. So, want to team up to get Rudhraksh out of the city?

RANDEEP HOODA

But I killed your friends! And now I’m just a good guy again?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Hey, Fast and Furious gets away with it all the time.

RANDEEP HOODA

Okay, I’ll disguise myself with a voluminous robe that fully covers my face. And Rudhraksh, you get...

(holds out baseball cap with a flourish)

RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL

Plot armor it is.

EXT. BIFROST BRIDGE

The EVIL SOLDIERS immediately recognize RUDHRAKSH.

RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL

Never saw THAT coming!

CHRIS sets his difficulty level to “RECRUIT” and uses the INFINITE AMMO CHEAT to mow down waves of BAD GUYS while PRIYANSHU continues to use his signature supervillain power of standing on a rooftop miles away and watching the action happen.

DISPOSABLE ARMY GUYS

Priyanshu has Colonel Shataf in his pocket, but surely some of us are just honest soldiers doing their jobs, trying to stop a violent fugitive?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Nope, every single one of you is pure evil by association. Die! DIIIIIIEEE!

RANDEEP HOODA

Argh, I’ve been wounded!

(staggers to his feet)

But oh, revenge will be sweet.

(blasts “Gonna Fly Now”)

Aww yeah, this is gonna be epic --

(gets shot in the face)

SHATAF FIGAR

That’s right, I’m the best sniper in the army despite looking more like bocce ball would be my forte.

SHATAF also wounds CHRIS!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Hmm, yup, we’re finally back to where we started. That sure was a necessary time jump, wasn’t it?

The movie suddenly realizes it hasn’t given GOLSHIFTEH anything to do yet and compensates HARD! She shoots SHATAF, blows up a HELICOPTER, and rescues RUDHRAKSH in about four seconds, which really makes you wonder why she needed to hire anybody in the first place.

SURAJ RIKAME

Not so fast!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Perhaps my earlier mercy has made you reconsider your life choices, or even turn on Priyanshu?

SURAJ RIKAME

Lol nope, I hate you even more now.

CHRIS gets shot 4,387 more times by SURAJ, falls into a filthy river, drowns, and DIES.

INT. EIGHT MONTHS LATER

PRIYANSHU celebrates surviving the movie by taking a whiz.

PRIYANSHU PAINYULI

Maybe now I’ll finally get to do something important --

GOLSHIFTEH FARAHANI

(immediately shoots PRIYANSHU)

Meanwhile, RUDHRAKSH practices CHRIS’ signature cliff-diving move while being watched over by HMMM, WHOEVER COULD IT BE?

RUDHRAKSH JAISWAL

But Chris is really dead! Like, absolutely, 100% dead! So dead that the only thing that could revive him is if, oh, I don’t know, this becomes the biggest Netflix movie of all time and we need him for a sequel!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Hah, but it’s not like millions of people are stuck inside with nothing to do but watch this, right? Right?!

END.