FADE IN:

EXT. AWFUL NEIGHBORHOOD IN THE GHETTO - GO AHEAD, TELL ME ABOUT HOW MUCH *YOUR* BORING HOMETOWN SUCKS, WE'LL WAIT

The AUDIENCE feels so cultured to be watching this Spike Lee movie, because Spike Lee is the only black director ever.

FOREST WHITAKER (V/O)

Meet Shameik Moore. He's a wistful high school student who wants to OH SHIT GANGS!

GANGS try to beat up SHAMEIK. SHAMEIK does some homework.

FOREST WHITAKER (V/O)

Yep, that's life here. Anyway, Shameik lives with his single mother, who's poor. He dreams of one day FUCK DRUG DEALERS!

DRUG DEALERS try stealing all SHAMEIK'S THINGS. SHAMEIK stares at a hot girl.

FOREST WHITAKER (V/O)

See, Shameik is used to this but is driven by his desire to DAMMIT DUDES WITH GUNS!

DUDES WITH GUNS shoot up a place and KILL SOME CHILDREN. The stage is now set for a comedy.

FOREST WHITAKER (V/O)

As I was saying, Shameik-

HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR

OH MY GOD He wants to go to Harvard. But he has NO CHANCE!

SHAMEIK MOORE

Why? Because I'll never make it through four years without crippling debt my mom's low-wage job could never recover from?

HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR

Well, we won't bring that up. It's really because you suck. Your college essay was a Cracked article two years ago. Why not write about your personal life?

SHAMEIK MOORE

But Mr. Counselor sir, I'd have to justify how I'm a pathetic nerdy nineties geek who also has the ripped body of a model, which I got exclusively by extreme masturbation. You know how hard it is to bend your arms so you work every single muscle in the rubbing? I had to calculate the perfect aerobic formula.

HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR

Get out.

SHAMEIK shows off his genius intellect and social awkwardness by going to a DRUG DEALER'S PARTY and hitting on the DEALER'S CRUSH. Real Harvard material, this one. His friends are also there.

TONY REVOLORI

I'm the buffoony, comical sidekick who would be happy to carry your baggage to the lobby.

KIERSEY CLEMONS

I'm a sassy lesbian who'll slap yo' bitchass face if you say the n-word and you're white.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Did I walk onto the set of Dear White People?

(sees A$AP Rocky)

Ah fuck, A$AP Rocky is the drug dealer? You got my hopes up, Kiersey. High hopes.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Hello, Shameik! I'm your love interest! Like you, I dream of escaping this awful neighborhood by going to college, despite academic struggles and my community peers looking down on me for my ambition, leading to deep insecurities regarding my identity and

Suddenly ZOE is replaced by a POTTED PLANT and nothing is impacted.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Well, fuck ya'll! We are not things!

She leaves. OTHER DRUG DEALERS run in and SHOOT THE PLACE UP!

SHAMEIK MOORE

WHAT? But there weren't any confederate flags in here! EVERYBODY RUN!

TONY REVOLORI

Dude, it's been like three months, that's not an issue any more!

A$AP ROCKY

I know we're fleeing for our lives, but I stopped and grabbed your backpack for you. I mean, I'd feel really bad if you left your backpack at my house, you know?

SHAMEIK MOORE

Gee, thanks man! How decent of you, a drug dealer, to risk your life for my backpack, a showcase for your extreme human decency! Yes, I want to go to Harvard.

Everyone goes to school, presumably hung over and on two hours of sleep. Surprise, there's HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF MOLLY in the bag! And a GUN. That will NEVER GET FIRED.

CHEKHOV

(sleeps)

CREEPY GUY

(on phone)

Hello, Shameik. I know you have the molly. Drop it off in that red car or I'll kill you and your friends.

TONY REVOLORI

That's fine, Kiersey and I are pretty useless so I figure it's a matter of time before one of us gets shot.

They DON'T. SHAMEIK goes to deliver the drugs.

A$AP ROCKY

(on phone)

Shameik, someone snitched and I'm arrested! That means whoever's on the phone is either the snitch and will arrest you once you give up the drugs, or they think YOU'RE the snitch and will kill you once you give up the drugs!

SHAMEIK MOORE

Oh my God! I wonder who the snitch could be!

It's NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. Neither is A$AP ROCKY. SHAMEIK and his useless friends RUN AWAY!

CREEPY GUY

Crap, I'll never catch them! If only I had a gun, or a car, or a way to track Shameik's iPhone, or ALL THREE, which I DO, and I still fail? Should my name be "Moron Guy?"

SHAMEIK MOORE

How the hell can I afford an iPhone? I don't even have a job.

They escape through the power of EDITING MAGIC!

INT. THE HOUSE WHERE A$AP TOLD THEM TO BRING THE MOLLY

QUINCY BROWN

Wassup, my dad's the guy you're supposed to give the drugs to. So come in and-

CHANEL IMAN

(taking off clothes)

-fuck me.

QUINCY BROWN

-we can chill while ignoring that Moron Guy obviously knows we're here-

CHANEL IMAN

(shoving her boobs all over Shameik)

-fuck me. Please fuck me, so hard. I'm so wet.

QUINCY BROWN

-then we'll discuss those Labor Day rerelase plans and wonder why the fuck nobody saw this-

CHANEL IMAN

(letting the camera fellate her whole body)

-Shamiel or whatever his name is stays here so he can fuck me. I'm a slut. I'm the sluttiest slut slutter that's ever slutted her way into a cinema.

SHAMEIK MOORE

BOOOOOOBS...

CHANEL IMAN

(grabs drugs)

SIKE, LOSER! I was fooling you, even before I knew you had the molly!

(butt-chugs molly)

Whoa. So... fuck me now?

Meanwhile, MORON GUY has tracked down QUINCY, TONY, and KIERSEY, demanding they hand over the drugs at the least-likely moment for them to be carrying the drugs!

MORON GUY

I'm living up to my title! Give me the drugs or I'll shoot you!

QUINCY BROWN

Then I'll pull out my *own* gun and OW I SHOT MY OWN LEG! I'm doomed!

He gets away.

MORON GUY

I'm just embarrassed. Fuck it, might as well get arrested.

KIERSEY CLEMONS

(eating french fries)

Really, why are Tony and I even here?

INT. ADMISSIONS OFFICE

CHANEL channels her JORDAN BELFORT POWERS and drives SHAMEIK to his college interview, while still high.

ROGER GUENVEUR SMITH

Good to meet you, Shameik. Let's start this interview, shall we?

SHAMEIK MOORE

But I've blown my chance. I'm late, unprepared, dressed sloppy, distracted, and-

ROGER GUENVEUR SMITH

-and I'm actually the dealer you were supposed to give the drugs to! TWIST! I need you to sell the drugs or I'll kill your family and friends.

SHAMEIK MOORE

What? That's fucking stupid. First off, this twist is completely-

ROGER GUENVEUR SMITH

-Yeah yeah, preposterous coincidence, next you'll ask "Why would you trust me?" then you'll ask "Why do you sell drugs if you're already a successful Harvard employee?" and I'll say DO YOU LIKE CDS FROM AMAZON? You're Amazon! You goofed up my CDs! The drugs are your responsibility! SELL THEM!

SHAMEIK MOORE

I'll pretend that made sense. By the way, both your kids probably just got arrested. Should you...

QUINCY, MORON GUY, and the BOOB-SHAPED THING THAT WAS CHANEL disappear from the movie, because it's 2015 and Marty McFly is here to erase more people from existence.

INT. SHAMEIK'S HIGH SCHOOL

The kids get BLAKE ANDERSON to help them sell the molly, which somehow involves their band "Oreo." Really, that's its name.

BLAKE ANDERSON

Like, whoa dudes. I'm a hacker druggie whose goal is to get as many people hooked on as many drugs as possible, also destroying school systems and generally being a dick.

KIERSEY CLEMONS

Damn, you got some mad comeuppance coming! Maybe horribly shot through the back of the head? Ooh, or an ironic overdose from the drugs you peddle!

BLAKE ANDERSON

Nah, I'm your best buddy and comic relief who gets off scot free. Who wants bath salts?

TONY REVOLORI

Anyone whose seen "Workaholics" agrees the funniest thing you could do is get shot in the back of the head.

BLAKE ANDERSON

But this is America! That would just cause a frenzy of accusations followed by no impact at all.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Guys, stay focused! We need to sell the drugs ASAP, or should I say A$AP. Obviously, we'll use BitCoin.

BLAKE ANDERSON

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Oh God you're serious.

They sell all the molly out of their school.

SECURITY GUARD

Huh, the metal detector breaks every time that one kid walks through by loudly beeping. And wow, the drug-sniffing dog gets defective and barks at him every day! But DAWW, GEEKS ARE SO CUTE, please fire me.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Wow, we've sold it all! I thought that would take several more seasons.

ROGER GUENVEUR SMITH

You think it's that easy, boy? I've got like ten Chekhov's Guns lined up and ready to fire, so-

SHAMEIK MOORE

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK! You see, Roger, as a nerd, I have unlimited hacking powers. Therefore, I've reporrigated the kabrofiles so I can now expose you for your drug deals if you won't comply with my demands, which include letting me into Harvard!

ROGER GUENVEUR SMITH

What if I just put out a hit on you?

SHAMEIK MOORE

Oh, I don't think you'll do that. You're a man of Harvard. That'd be a... slippery slope.

Pause.

ROGER GUENVEUR SMITH

...a slippery slope to...?

SHAMEIK MOORE

Huh? Oh, I was waiting for the credits to roll.

ROGER GUENVEUR SMITH

Wait, what? I thought this was a gritty crime drama, not a damn Parks and Rec episode! What's stopping me from-

WRITER/DIRECTOR RICK FAMUYIWA

(barging in)

SHUT UP, I GET TO LIVE MY LIFELONG DREAM OF BECOMING A PREEEEACHER!!!!

(pause)

Know who I'm NOT becoming? Spike Lee. You dipshits.

SHAMEIK writes his college essay. This is represented to us by...

EXT. A BUNCH OF REALLY OBVIOUS METAPHORS

The movie is put on PAUSE so SHAMEIK can literally stare into the camera and talk about the moral for fifteen minutes. Really.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Imagine two students. Student A has all these awesome qualities and Student B has all these terrible ones. Close your eyes and imagine what they look like.

The screen goes DARK because you're an idiot and needed the help.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Oh, you thought the good student was white and the bad one was black, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? "Why do I want to go to Harvard," you ask? But WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION IF I WAS WHITE?!?!? YOU'RE SO RACIST!

HARVARD ADMISSIONS

Yeah. We ask everyone that. Did you spend your whole essay telling us how racist we are?

SHAMEIK MOORE

Yeah! Like, this movie is REALLY about how white people stereotype black people from "Da Hood" as criminal drug dealers, so I proved them wrong by becoming a criminal drug dealer and blackmailing my way into an Ivy League College!

HARVARD ADMISSIONS

But every opposition you faced was black. Even respectable upper-class blacks were sadist druggies. The only white guy in the movie saved your ass and you ignored him.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Wait, are you saying black people are the source of their own problems?

HARVARD ADMISSIONS

Of course not, that's total bullshit, but when you make the movie about racism, suddenly THAT'S the message! You didn't even mention the white institutions or discriminations that make these kinds of awful neighborhoods and crime statistics a reality!

TONY REVOLORI

(still in the movie)

Come on Shameik, you did the anti-racism thing wrong.

SHAMEIK MOORE

I did?

KIERSEY CLEMONS

(just kind of standing there)

You're supposed to be quiet and helpless until a noble white guy envisions a world without discrimination, tells you to believe in yourself, and saves you from racists while the violins crescendo.

HARVARD ADMISSIONS

Yeah, that sounds... terrible, actually. Okay, we retract all that earlier criticism.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Sweet! Thanks guys! So I got in?

HARVARD ADMISSIONS

Fuck no you're not in. You admitted to selling drugs in your COLLEGE ESSAY. You're an idiot, try film school.

SHAMEIK MOORE

Hey! But I-

He is ARRESTED, SHOT by MORON GUY'S GANG, then shanked by A$AP ROCKY and ROGER'S HIT MAN. The tone is now set for a funky dance number. Which HAPPENS.

END