FADE IN:

EXT. A NEW YORK CITY GRAVEYARD

ROBERT PATTINSON arrives at a FUNERAL wearing clothes from the Urban Outfitter's MELODRAMATIC SPRING COLLECTION.

ROBERT PATTINSON

What's up family? I know I'm a little late, but it takes a long time to style my hair so it looks this bitching. Does it look bed-head enough for me to pass as badass yet sensitive? Pshht. That was rhetorical. God, I rule so hard.

PIERCE BROSNAN

You shame our family name with both your funeral tardiness and hackneyed pretty-boy hairstyle. Words can't describe how much you have disappointed me, not only as a son, but as a human being.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Suck my dick, dad! I love art and sticking it to the man, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

RUBY JERINS

I think it's super cool that you have an unhealthy relationship with our dad.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Damn right you do, little sis. That's why I have your 8 through 15-year-old-girl demographic in the palm of my sparkle hand. Whose funeral is this anyways?

PIERCE BROSNAN

It doesn't matter. We're just drumming up the heavy-handedness early so later events don't seem so ridiculous.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Fair enough.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Oh, and this funeral is actually your brother's. He committed suicide. See how that works? It's all downhill from here.

ROBERT stands in the GRAVEYARD looking MELANCHOLY in the most BADASS way imaginable.

INT. DIVE BAR

ROBERT and roommate TATE ELLINGTON enter a BAR in order to drown away ROB'S suicide-brother SORROWS.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Check me out. I'm drinking beer and smoking cigarettes.

TATE ELLINGTON

That is literally the coolest thing I've ever seen anyone do, ever. I love living with a trust-fund-crybaby-badass like you.

ROBERT PATTINSON

But it's not enough. Let's start punching faces at random.

TATE ELLINGTON

You are a god.

They both start AIMLESSLY PUNCHING people because, you know, "THE MAN" or SOMETHING. The POLICE enter led by CHRIS COOPER.

CHRIS COOPER

Break it up, morons. Quit fighting and we'll let you all go home.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Since when is being ultra-kickass against the law?

CHRIS COOPER

My brain just shrunk three sizes listening to that question. I just said you could go home.

ROBERT PATTINSON

You'd like that wouldn't you? I guess what they say is true. All bacon is served sizzling stupid. And pigs have guns on the farm with hats. Police hats.

CHRIS COOPER

What? Are these supposed to be insults? Ugh. Fine, I guess I can take you to jail.

ROBERT PATTINSON

I'd prefer it, thanks.

CHRIS charges ROBERT with AWESOME in the first degree.

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS

After spending a night in JAIL, ROBERT and TATE lust for UNWARRANTED REVENGE on CHRIS COOPER.

TATE ELLINGTON

Remember that police officer? You know, the one who you begged to take you to jail? Well that's his daughter. And you should totally revenge bang her, 80's high school movie style. That will teach the police to do their job.

ROBERT PATTINSON

That is irredeemable and disgusting. Needless to say, I'm in. She's about to serve and protect this dick.

TATE ELLINGTON

Remember to not fall in love with her.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Nobody tells me what to do... Nobody.

ROBERT, sporting the American Apparel Spring DATE RAPE collection, SUAVELY strides over to EMILIE DE RAVIN.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Hey, I don't normally do this, but my brother committed suicide. Let me take you to dinner.

EMILIE DE RAVIN

Jesus, that's so hot. My mother was murdered in front of me when I was seven.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Wow, yours is way worse. Didn't you develop some sort of PTSD?

EMILIE DE RAVIN

Only if PTSD stands for "Pleasure That Sparkle Dick"! But seriously, I have debilitating night terrors.

ROBERT PATTINSON

You're quirky. I like that... I like art. I like me. Woah, sorry. I literally don't know what to do when a conversation isn't completely focused on me. Anyways, let's go on a bunch of cliche romantic comedy dates while simultaneously discussing how cliche our dates are.

This HAPPENS.

EXT. CARNIVAL

EMILIE DE RAVIN

Taking me to a carnival? What is this? Some sort of shitty indie romantic film?

It IS.

ROBERT PATTINSON

I'm going to try to win you this giant bear!

EMILIE DE RAVIN

You don't have to do that. Just because we're acting like we're aware of how cliche this premise is doesn't make it any less cliche.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Shut up and kiss me.

After a QUIRKY display of not wanting to kiss, EMILIE decides to kiss ROBERT.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Check that one off the cliche list. Only one left. Let's go back to my apartment and get hammered.

EMILIE DE RAVIN

I don't know if I should. My dad has a strict policy about not staying out all night drinking with a guy I just met.

ROBERT PATTINSON

I don't know if you can tell from my hair style alone, but I play by my own rules. I wax chumps like candles practically every day. If you want to roll with R to the P-A-T, you gotta ditch your fam-il-y.

EMILIE DE RAVIN

(Throws up in her mouth a little)

I don't know if that was my gag reflex, or I'm just so hot for you I react to you the same way as I do to spicy Thai food. Probably the latter. You know what? You're right. Suck my dick, dad! Am I right?

They go to ROBERT'S APARTMENT and BINGE DRINK. EMILIE VOMITS and PASSES OUT while not CALLING her DAD.

INT. CHRIS COOPER AND EMILE DE RAVIN'S HOUSE

Morning arrives TOO SOON.

CHRIS COOPER

Where were you? I tried to call a bunch of times.

EMILIE DE RAVIN

Shut up, dad! I like art and sticking it to the man!

CHRIS COOPER

You like sticking it to the man? I'm the man! And this man likes beating women!

Chris Cooper BEATS his TWENTY-SOMETHING-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER for loving art and such.

CHRIS COOPER

That hurt me more than it hurt you.

EMILIE DE RAVIN

Seriously? I just spent the night out. It wasn't like I was hanging out with criminals you incarcerated.

CHRIS COOPER

This is who I am, apparently. After seeing your mother murdered by thinly veiled racist stereotypes, I beat those I love!

EMILIE DE RAVIN

That sounds like a normal response. Anyways, I'm going to live with criminals you incarcerated. Lates.

CHRIS COOPER

(on his knees)

I'm a monster!

EMILIE leaves her mentally unstable FATHER'S house for her mentally unstable BOYFRIEND/WE DON'T USE LABELS BECAUSE IT'S TOO OFFICIAL'S house. Obviously the better choice.

INT. RUBY JERINS'S 6TH GRADE ART SHOW

RUBY JERINS is EXCITED that she is in an ART SHOW for TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS. ROBERT PATTINSON is obnoxiously/creepily more excited about an ART SHOW for TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS. PIERCE BROSNAN is NOT in attendance.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Ruby! Congratulations, lil' sis, on getting into this art show! This is clearly the most important moment of your life!

RUBY JERINS

Not really. All you had to do was send them a finger painting. I tried to tell you that before. Sometimes I feel like no one listens to what I say...

ROBERT PATTINSON

CLEARLY the most important moment of your life. Where's Dad? That dong-licker probably skipped out on it because he loves his fancy officey meetings more than he loves his children.

RUBY JERINS

You have to stop making me the reason for your fights. It really puts a lot of pressure on...

ROBERT PATTINSON

I'm going to his office to tell him what a bad father he is.

RUBY JERINS

It's really fine. This isn't that big of a deal...

ROBERT PATTINSON

I hate him too.

ROBERT storms off while wearing a Union Pacific VINTAGE BLIND-RAGE ensemble.

INT. PIERCE BROSNAN'S FANCY OFFICE

ROBERT bursts in the DOOR on an IMPORTANT meeting. EVERYONE (audience included) is CONFUSED.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Well to what do we owe the pleasure?

ROBERT PATTINSON

You skipped out on your daughter's soccer game, you son of a bitch.

PIERCE BROSNAN

It was an art show, and she'll have a hundred more in the future.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Don't try to confuse me with your logic, old man. This ends here.

PIERCE BROSNAN

What ends? God no, you're not going to do that random-word-insult thing again, are you?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Synergize this! You wouldn't know the NASDAQ from your azzcrack. Cufflinks sound like mufflinks. Muffins you wear on your shirt. Hungry for more muffins, dad?

PIERCE BROSNAN

That was pure nonsense, but even though you have made a mockery out of me and my workplace, I see your point.

ROBERT and PIERCE MAKE-UP because they LOVE their sister/daughter more than this movie loves overly dramatic FORCED CONCLUSIONS.

EXT. NEW YORK STREETS

ROBERT and EMILIE stroll the STREETS during A VERY NORMAL MORNING. There is absolutely NOTHING WEIRD about THIS DAY. It is EXACTLY like ALL the OTHER DAYS.

ROBERT PATTINSON

I'm so glad things worked out for us in the end. We're so happy. My dad got me a job interview at his very normal office building.

EMILIE DE RAVIN

I'm also glad we're together on this totally ordinary day. And I'm more pleased that there was no ulterior motive for you to trying to date me.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Oh yeah. I only banged you to get back at your cop dad. I kind of forgot that was a thing.

EMILIE DE RAVIN

There is a reason you forgot about all of that. Robert, don't you realize? You were the cop the whole time...

ROBERT PATTINSON has rapid flashbacks that include scenes of HIM beating up HIMSELF while wearing a police uniform and HIM beating up EMILIE for loving art. TWIST!

EMILIE DE RAVIN

Ha, not really. None of that happened. The twist is much more heavy-handed. Jesus, you're dumb. And although I should be mad about the whole "revenge date" thing, I forgot that my dad was abusive toward art-loving-rebel-twenty-somethings like us. Even though it seems like you are abusive emotionally, extremely dumb, and all around repugnant, I think it would be best if we just enjoyed this typical New York morning in blissful ignorance.

ROBBERT PATTINSON

I don't know any other way... Well I don't want to be late to that interview.

ROBERT arrives at the OFFICE BUILDING. The office building TURNS OUT to be THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. TWIST! Then 9/11 happens. SERIOUSLY. Suddenly CHRIS COOPER/ABUSIVE FATHER is the HERO. SERIOUSLY. The AUDIENCE is NOT supposed to be offended by a NATIONAL TRAGEDY used as a shocking and lazy PLOT DEVICE... SERIOUSLY?

As the buildings fall THE PIXIES "WHERE IS MY MIND" plays over the credits.

END