INT. KICKSTARTER

DIRECTOR ROB THOMAS

Hey, Veronica Mars fans! Just wanted to let you know that Warner Brothers said we could make a movie if we raised-

He is KNOCKED OFF HIS FEET by ALL THE MONEY ON THE INTERNET.

DIRECTOR ROB THOMAS

All right then, we’re a go! Retrieve Jason Dohring and Percy Daggs from cryostasis, and someone scour the soup kitchens for Tina Majorino!

EXT. NEPTUNE HIGH, 2004-2007

KRISTEN BELL (V.O.)

Previously, on Veronica Mars: I was a teenage private detective who worked for my father, the former sheriff of Neptune, after the death of-

AUDIENCE

Yes yes, we know all this.

KRISTEN BELL (V.O.)

But what about all the people who aren’t fans of the show?

AUDIENCE

Coming to see THIS movie? Oh, poor deluded Kristen.

KRISTEN BELL (V.O.)

Oh yeah? I suppose you’d rather we just go all “Ahoy Marshmallows, injoke injoke reference injoke”, huh?

(pause)

Okay, that’s a bad example, because we’re totally going to be doing that. Like a LOT.

INT. NEW YORK LAW FIRM

KRISTEN is being interviewed by JAMIE LEE CURTIS.

KRISTEN BELL

Wow, I don’t know what’s sadder about your two-minute cameo. The fact that you’re the closest thing we could get to a real movie actor? Or the fact that this is the most prominent movie role you’ve had in living memory?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Kristen, I see that you were a teenage private detective who worked for her father-

KRISTEN BELL

We already did the recap, guys, keep up.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Right. So then you attended Hearst College, where you ran afoul of Castle-

KRISTEN BELL

Of what now?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Castle? Powerful secret society? You gave all their names to the press and made a whole bunch of powerful enemies?

KRISTEN BELL

Oh. That. Look, there was supposed to be this whole fourth season, and - just forget about that, okay?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Sure. It’s not like anybody in the audience was hoping this movie would resolve some of the dangling plot threads, after all.

INT. RADIO STATION

KRISTEN goes to see her boyfriend CHRIS LOWELL.

CHRIS LOWELL

Oh, awesome, so she wound up with me after all! Go Team Piz!

(pause)

Waaaaiiit. I’m the perfectly nice but unexciting guy she’s in a stable but not-so-passionate relationship at the beginning of the movie... Well fuck. All this suspense and in the end I’m demoted to Bill Pullman in Sleepless in Seattle.

KRISTEN BELL

(phone rings)

And look, there’s my Tom Hanks now! If Tom Hanks were a dangerously unstable basket case with a metric fuckton of emotional baggage.

JASON DOHRING

Kristen, you gotta help me! I’m suspected of murder!

KRISTEN BELL

Ugh, again?

JASON DOHRING

Yeah. I can’t decide on a defense attorney, and I need the expert advice of somebody who hasn’t even sat the bar yet. Could you fly across the country to help out a guy you haven’t seen in a decade?

KRISTEN BELL

Aw come on, I’m sure you could have come up with a flimsier pretext to kick things off if you really, really tried.

INT. MARS INVESTIGATIONS

KRISTEN drops in on her dad ENRICO COLANTONI.

ENRICO COLANTONI

Welcome back, honey! I’m afraid you’ll find this town has gone even further downhill since you left. The cops basically spend all their time driving around looking for poor and/or ethnic people to frame. As you can see, whatever vestigial bit of subtlety our social commentary ever had has finally turned black and fallen off.

KRISTEN BELL

Cops in the pocket of the wealthy, huh? That sure is a dramatic change from Sheriff Ken Marino’s administration, which was in the pocket of scuzzy criminals.

(pause)

Or is it a dramatic change from your administration, which was incorruptible? Damnit, could you tell us who actually won that cliffhanger election?

ENRICO COLANTONI

No! NO ONE MUST EVER KNOW!

There is a knock on the door, and in walk TINA MAJORINO and PERCY DAGGS THE THIRD, who despite his name is not a befuddled baronet from a P.G.Wodehouse novel.

PERCY DAGGS III

Hey, Kristen, we just wanted to catch up while you were in town-

TINA MAJORINO

-and since both of us can be summed up as “Kristen’s former confidante-slash-helper monkey”-

PERCY DAGGS III

-we thought it’d streamline things a bit if we turned up in basically every single scene together-

TINA MAJORINO

-so instead of two useless characters who are pretty much only here because they have to be-

PERCY DAGGS III

-you have a single two-headed one!

KRISTEN BELL

Oh, my assistant guys. Look, this is going to be a painfully slim mystery so I don’t really need a helper this time, let alone two. MAYBE I can let you perform one thankless task each for old time’s sake.

TINA MAJORINO

A single paragraph of tech advice it’ll be, then!

PERCY DAGGS III

And I’ll show you a piece of footage that’ll make you slightly more suspicious of somebody who’s already your top suspect and who then almost immediately turns out to be a red herring.

INT. JASON’S PLACE

KRISTEN goes to see JASON, thus allowing us to move forward with the story and cut it out with the pointless fan-pleasing OH WAIT WE ALMOST FORGOT RYAN HANSEN HERE HE IS NOW!

RYAN HANSEN

Hey, Kristen. Look, I’m too baked to do this today, could you just sexually harrass yourself for a few minutes?

KRISTEN BELL

Ryan? What happened to your character development?

RYAN HANSEN

If you’ll recall, we were only about ten seconds into it when the show got canned, so now I’m preserved forever as an obnoxious frathouse dudebro. But hey, would I really be the beloved, endearing character I am without my sleazy hijinks?

KRISTEN BELL

Heh, yeah. Like, remember the time you tried to roofie your girlfriend? And then when I was accidentally dosed instead, you bullied your little brother into raping me? And that’s how I lost my virginity? And got chlamydia?

RYAN HANSEN

(cheeky grin)

Classic Ryan!

(laugh track)

KRISTEN heads in and meets with JASON.

KRISTEN BELL

So I understand the cops and the media are convinced you killed your pop star girlfriend Andrea Estella.

JASON DOHRING

Yeah, the cops are really out to get me on this one. I think they’d have arrested me already if only they had some excuse. Fortunately, all they have is some video of me threatening Andrea.

(pause)

Also I was the only one security recorded entering her property around the time of her murder.

(pause)

And I was found passed out with her body.

(pause)

Now that I think about it, it’s kind of negligent that they haven’t arrested me already.

KRISTEN BELL

Well, I guess they figured you’re not much of a flight risk-

JASON DOHRING

Did I mention that because of my naval post I have explicit plans to leave the country?

KRISTEN BELL

...Whatever, let’s just get this helping-you-pick-a-lawyer facade out of the way already.

They INTERVIEW LAWYERS for about a nanosecond, then KRISTEN drops all pretense and dives into CRIME-SOLVING MODE for the remainder of the film.

KRISTEN BELL

Okay, so who could the real killer be? Is it possible you were set up by Castle? You did beat up one of their members and then he swore revenge-

JASON DOHRING

Hey, we already said we weren’t going anywhere with that! Forget about Castle. Nobody cares about Castle. Castle is pointless and irrelevant!

DIRECTOR ROB THOMAS

HEY, SHUT UP YOU - oh, you mean the secret society. Carry on.

JASON DOHRING

I suppose the real killer could possibly have been Gaby Hoffmann, Andrea’s insane stalker who did stuff like break into Andrea’s home and dress up like her in public and profess her love for me and generally act like she wanted to take over Andrea’s life.

KRISTEN BELL

Yeah, it’s a good thing you have a shrewd investigator around to follow up on hard-to-catch leads like that.

JASON DOHRING

So I guess we should start with the obvious and check out Gaby’s alibi.

KRISTEN BELL

Don’t be silly, that’d wrap up this waste-of-time red herring in about five seconds. What we should really do is break into her apartment so we can find proof that she was the one who sent you a creepy email.

JASON DOHRING

Good plan! It doesn’t tie her to the murder in the slightest, but it totally makes her look about five per cent more crazy than she already does!

KRISTEN gains access to GABY’S APARTMENT by using THE MOST EASILY DISPROVEN LIE EVER, then proceeds to get CAUGHT and ARRESTED.

GABY HOFFMANN

Don’t worry, Kristen, I won’t press charges. Just as long as I can have a date with Jason.

KRISTEN BELL

Uh, what do you say, Jason? Feel like hanging with the crazed stalker who may or may not have murdered your girlfriend? I’m sure the media - who are currently crucifying you for allegedly killing Andrea - will go easy on you for going clubbing with an Andrea lookalike before the body’s even cold.

JASON DOHRING

You’re not proving to be as much of a help as I’d hoped.

JASON and GABY go out to a CLUB, and KRISTEN comes too which apparently GABY HAS NO PROBLEM WITH.

GABY HOFFMANN

By the way, here’s the alibi you never bothered asking me for. It’s airtight, so I guess this entire line of inquiry was just useless padding.

KRISTEN BELL

Damnit. Oh well, it’s high time for some more nostalgia crap anyway. Off I go to my ten-year high school reunion, which is happening during my visit by sheer coincidence!

INT. NEPTUNE HIGH

KRISTEN and JASON and PERCY and TINA all go to the HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, where we run into the last few RECURRING STUDENT CHARACTERS who were never KILLED OFF.

AMANDA NORET

Hi, I’m still a bitch and nothing else!

KRYSTEN RITTER

And I’m back as well, reprising my jaded, emotionally damaged character from the show.

KRISTEN BELL

I think you’re getting mixed up with your character from Breaking Bad.

KRYSTEN RITTER

Oh, right! What was I on Veronica Mars again? Oh yeah, a high-spirited motor-mouthed ditz. Man, I was WAY off. Anyway, say hi to our old school buddy who was suspiciously never on the show even once, Testicles McBiebersucks.

MARTIN STARR

Hey, that’s not my name.

KRYSTEN RITTER

Yeah well, it would have been if Rob Thomas hadn’t gotten all anal about the “name a character” reward tier.

AMANDA NORET

Everybody look, I have Kristen’s sex tape from season three and put it into the projector! It’s a part that was never seen on the show, taken from a completely different camera angle somehow and revealing that the tape is actually about as raunchy as a documentary on shoe repair!

An outraged KRISTEN sets off the SPRINKLER SYSTEM and everybody CLEARS OUT.

AMANDA NORET

Ah fuck, the reunion’s ruined! Who knew that publicly humiliating someone known for her long history of revenge-seeking behavior would turn out to be a bad idea?

KRISTEN BELL

Almost as bad an idea as assaulting a rich jerk in a town where rich jerks own the police.

(punches Amanda’s lights out)

INT. JASON’S PLACE

KRISTEN BELL

Okay, that should keep the fans happy for a while, back to the mystery. Hmm, I’m out of leads. What’s a good half-assed way for more clues to fall into my lap?

KRISTEN flips through the BIG BOOK OF LAZY MYSTERY-WRITER SHORTCUTS.

KRISTEN BELL

Let’s see, not “handy informant shows up out of nowhere”... don’t really have time for “another murder all of a sudden”... ooh, here we go: “convenient footage turns out to exist”!

Suddenly JASON finds that someone has posted INTIMATE VIDEO OF ANDREA on the internet.

JASON DOHRING

Judging from the camera angle, that was shot from her iPad dock. Her iPad must have been rigged to film her!

KRISTEN BELL

She got that iPad as part of an awards show gift bag. Let’s track down another one of those rigged iPads, through fellow award show attendee - ooh, James Franco? So we do have a real movie actor after all!

JAMES FRANCO

(showing up)

Yes you do, thanks to my seeming inability to turn down any role in anything!

They have JAMES FRANCO’S ASSISTANT have a talk to his SPYPAD.

FRANCO’S ASSISTANT

Psst, whoever’s bugging this iPad, I’ve got some extra special freaky Franco footage I can sell you if you agree to meet with me!

JAMES FRANCO

Good work, assistant!

FRANCO’S ASSISTANT

...Yes, that’s the touch that’s really going to sell it. James Franco himself saying “good job” from offscreen right at the end there. He’ll NEVER think it’s a trap now, you fucking GENIUS.

EXT. BEACH

KRISTEN goes to meet the iPad perv, who turns out to be KEN MARINO.

KRISTEN BELL

Oh, Ken. You’ve fallen a long way since being sheriff. If you were in fact elected sheriff. Seriously, just a single passing line of dialogue would clear that up.

KEN MARINO

Hey, I’m doing fine right now. I’ve come up with the foolproof scheme of purchasing thousands of dollars worth of specially programmed and engraved tablets and giving them away to celebrities in the hopes that they’d prop them up in their homes and do compromising things in front of them.

KRISTEN BELL

I need all the footage you have from Andrea Estella. Give it to me and I apparently won’t turn you in for this staggeringly illegal and immoral invasion of other people’s privacy.

KEN MARINO

All right, you can have what I’ve got, but since the camera was motion-sensitive there’s obviously nothing after Andrea died.

KRISTEN BELL

So you’re saying nobody did anything with the iPad after that time? Nobody, say, took it home and left it sitting around where their everyday movements would trigger the camera? I’m sure the movie will be entirely consistent on this point.

KRISTEN and JASON watch some of the footage.

KRISTEN BELL

Wait, this is footage of Krysten at a club. She took Andrea’s iPad! It was HER who sent you an email saying to come over the night Andrea was murdered!

JASON DOHRING

This strongly implicates her in Andrea’s murder! Let’s take this evidence to the police, as it’s germane to their investigation and will help them to do the job officially.

KRISTEN BELL

(thumbing through Mystery Shortcut book)

Are you sure? That’s not in here ANYWHERE.

INT. POLICE STATION

KRISTEN and JASON take the evidence to SHERIFF JERRY O’CONNELL.

JERRY O’CONNELL

Since Rob Thomas only knows how to write one kind of corrupt sheriff, I’m basically a slightly scuzzier version of Sheriff Don Lamb. But it’s okay, we make it less daft by saying I’m his brother, Sheriff DAN Lamb.

(pause)

Well, it sounded less daft in my head.

KRISTEN BELL

We’ve got some compelling evidence that it was Krysten Ritter and not Jason who killed Andrea.

JERRY O’CONNELL

I don’t care! The media wants Jason in prison so that’s what we’re doing, even if we have to basically frame him! I say this defiantly to you, notorious spy girl who has repeatedly bugged people including a former sheriff, and you, guy wearing a big ugly trucker hat which is nothing like anything you’ve ever worn before! I cannot POSSIBLY be this stupid!

INT. JASON’S PLACE

KRISTEN gets a call from CHRIS.

CHRIS LOWELL

Kristen, you were supposed to be home days ago, what the hell is going on?!

KRISTEN BELL

I’m literally the only one capable of keeping a dear old friend from being railroaded into prison for a crime he didn’t commit. I’d say that’s a pretty valid reason for several days’ absence, wouldn’t you?

CHRIS LOWELL

In real life, maybe. In movie world it’s OVERDRAMATIC BREAKUP MATERIAL! Goodbye forever!

(hangs up)

KRISTEN BELL

Oh no, my relationship is-

(already making out with Jason)

INT. KRYSTEN’S APARTMENT

After some JASON LOVIN’ and a bunch of SKULDUGGERY, KRISTEN goes to confront SLIGHTLY-DIFFERENTLY-SPELT KRYSTEN.

KRISTEN BELL

Aha, here’s Andrea’s iPad sitting on your table!

KRYSTEN RITTER

Curses, I knew I probably shouldn’t have taken that extremely incriminating piece of evidence home and then left it lying in the open where anyone could find it!

KRISTEN BELL

Confess! You were the last person recorded driving into Andrea’s property before Jason, which should have made you a top suspect WAY sooner. You had Martin Starr in the trunk and he stayed behind to kill Andrea, didn’t he!

KRYSTEN RITTER

Fine, you’re right! We thought Andrea was going to rat us all out. Years ago me and Martin and Andrea and Ryan-

RYAN HANSEN

(pops head in)

Hey, I’m vaguely relevant to the plot sort of!

(thumbs up, leaves)

KRYSTEN RITTER

-yes, well, us four and some other girl were all drugged up on a boat and the other girl overdosed and we dumped her body in the ocean. Uh, except Ryan, he was passed out at the time.

KRISTEN BELL

Thus allowing him to keep his loveability! Even though you know for a fucking FACT that he would have been all aboard for some body-dumping had he been conscious.

KRYSTEN RITTER

So how did you figure out Martin was involved?

KRISTEN BELL

I bugged your apartment. With a bug that’s still broadcasting right now, as a matter of fact, on the same frequency as a local rock station. But don’t worry, Martin could only be listening in on us if he was trying to listen to that specific radio station right now within like a hundred-yard radius of here, and what are the chances of-

A BULLET comes through the window and KILLS KRYSTEN! KRISTEN freaks out and hides in a cupboard before MARTIN bursts in.

KRISTEN BELL

Crap! If I could distract him for a second I could jump out and get him with my taser. Ooh, what if I made Krysten’s phone ring? I have, of course, kept the number of a vague school acquaintance I haven’t seen in a decade programmed into my phone through several upgrades.

She RINGS KRYSTEN’S PHONE, distracting MARTIN, who she then TASES. But then MARTIN gets up and keeps CHASING HER.

KRISTEN BELL

Bah, fucking movie tasers, only incapacitating people when it’s convenient for the plot!

She FLEES TO THE BASEMENT where she uses the exact same HIDE, DISTRACT and ATTACK strategy as upstairs, only this time it WORKS.

INT. MARS INVESTIGATIONS

KRISTEN BELL

So that wraps up that mystery. Now I’ve decided to stay in Neptune and resume my girl detective ways, only now that I’m a grownup it’s just “detective”, which is a far less interesting premise.

JASON DOHRING

And even though I was the main reason for you staying, I’m immediately going back to my naval post for five months. Later, bitches!

(leaves)

ENRICO COLANTONI

And it’s heavily implied I take back the sheriff’s job from disgraced Jerry O’Connell, but we’re going to go ahead and not explicitly resolve that matter FUCKING AGAIN.

TINA MAJORINO

And I quit a successful software engineering job to be Kristen’s secretary apparently!

PERCY DAGGS III

And I continue to be an assistant basketball coach at a high school, which I guess means my dream of becoming a mechanical engineer failed miserably!

(sobs)

KRISTEN BELL

Yessir, my life sure has changed over the course of this movie! As in, changed back. To pretty much exactly what it was when the show wrapped.

DIRECTOR ROB THOMAS

Sorry guys, “a satisfying ending” was the six million dollar stretch goal. Now, who wants to fund a sequel?

(rattles money tin)

END.