The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. DARK, GRITTY, ARTFULLY-LIGHTED ROOM
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO
I am totally insane! I shall lock this cute blonde girl in this plastic box. Then, it will slowly fill with water until she drowns!
BLONDE GIRL
I am scared! Very, very scared! So scared that I'll do nothing other than be scared! Very scared!
ANNOUNCER
Will Blonde Girl escape from The Psycho's evil clutches? Tune in tomorrow to find out! Same bat time! Same bat channel!
INT. TECHNO-LOOKING PLACE
JENNIFER LOPEZ and some KID IN A COMA are hooked together via some washcloths with blue circuitboards printed on them.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
I care about children. You can tell I care about children by my sweet voice and bouncy, nonthreatening hairstyle.
CHILD IN COMA
I will eat your brains!!!!
INT. DIFFERENT DARK, GRITTY, ARTFULLY-LIGHTED ROOM
VINCE VAUGHN
Blast. We have caught the killer, but moments after he lapsed into a coma. If only there were some sort of cutting edge technology to allow us to go into his psycho brain while he's in a coma so that we can find out the location of the blonde girl.
VINCE'S NAMELESS LOSER PARTNER WHO SERVES ONLY TO FEED LINES TO VINCE FOR VINCE TO REPLY TO AND HELP EXPLAIN THE PLOT
Perhaps we should consult Jennifer Lopez?
VINCE VAUGHN
Brilliant!
INT. TECHNO-LOOKING PLACE
JENNIFER LOPEZ
I want to help you guys, but look at my innocent hairstyle.. I'm innocent and scared. But if you want, I will try. But first, let me go to my house so that I can walk around in panties a bit.
INT. JENNIFER'S HOME
She walks around in panties and flaunts her body for the camera.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Ok, let's do this.
INT. TECHNO-LOOKING PLACE
JENNIFER is wired into VINCENT.
DYLAN BAKER
If she believes something happens to her in the matrix..er..the vr thing, it happens to her in real life. So make sure to feel tense when it looks like she might die or something, even though at no point is her life actually threatened during this movie.
INT. DARK, GRITTY, ARTFULLY-LIGHTED LOCATION
JENNIFER LOPEZ
I am inside a killers mind. Please notice how strange and frightening a killer's mind is. It is wet, dark, and it looks very foreboding.
She finds VINCENT peircing things and cooking up some rotisserie colon.
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO
Please notice the crazy sets and lavish costumes! Not that they are the focus of the film or anything. No, no, there's a plot too. I'm crazy, you see.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Those are some very lavish costumes and strangely designed locations.
DIRECTOR TARSEM SINGH
I hate set designers and costume designers and I want to make their lives hell.
JENNIFER walks into some more rooms. She finds a younger version of VINCENT. He doesn't seem evil. His father abuses him repeatedly.
AUDIENCE
Awwwww. I dont hate Vincent quite as much now that I know his father treated him badly. That father sucks!
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO'S FATHER
Wait, my father abused me too! I'm not responsible for my own actions either!
AUDIENCE
Oh, well, then, YOUR dad is the bastard.
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO'S FATHER'S FATHER
My mother raped me repeatedly.
AUDIENCE
Wow. Ok, fine, nobody is at fault. I refuse to point the finger of blame at anyone, including the person doing the evil things!
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO
That's all I wanted. I feel better now. I want to banish the killer inside of me.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
I can help!
She reverses the flow or some shit, which puts VINCENT into her brain, which is oddly just as creepy-looking as his.
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO AS A BOY
I want to stay in your brain!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Tough nuggets.
Weird, fake-looking flowers or vines or something begin to form around the borders of the frame for absolutely no reason.
DIRECTOR TARSEM SINGH
I hate CGI programmers, too.
JENNIFER stabs OLD VINCENT in the heart.
YOUNG VINCENT D'ONOFRIO
Weee! Violence! I like violence now!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Lets do some obscure symbolism.
She and YOUNG VINCENT participate in obscure symbolic actions.
Eventually, JENNIFER puts the previous CHILD IN COMA into her brain.
CHILD IN COMA
Ack! I can see Puff Daddy naked!! And I found a room of deep hatred for Eminem! Aieee!
The child is scared and kills himself with a glowing piece of cardboard.
END