FADE IN:

INT. A PUB - ENGLAND - CHRISTMAS EVE

DAVID HARBOUR is GRUMPY SANTA CLAUS, a casting choice SO PERFECT AND AWESOME it can propel an entire movie all by itself. Lucky thing too, as the sum total of all other propellant in THIS movie will amount to a 40-year-old Bic lighter with two drops of fuel that's been left under the deck all winter.

DAVID HARBOUR

Fucking kids these days, they suck. All they want is video games, video games, and more video games. Christmas sucks so fucking hard.

BARKEEP

What about all the kids wishing for, oh let's say, bombs to stop falling on them?

DAVID HARBOUR

THEY ALL WANT VIDEO GAMES GODDAMMIT. Fuck it I'm outta here.

DAVID goes to the roof, gets into his Santa sleigh and FLIES OFF, but not before PUKING all over the BARKEEP and DROPPING REINDEER SHIT everywhere and filling the BEER KEGS with his BALLSWEAT.

BARKEEP

(covered in vomit)

What a bad Santa.

INT. HUGELY EXPENSIVE MANSION - USA - STILL CHRISTMAS EVE

Simpering milquedouche ALEX HASSELL arrives at the mansion with his daughter LEAH BRADY and his estranged wife BONNIE BEDELIA ALEXIS LOUDER.

ALEXIS LOUDER

Aw fuck, estranged? Well I guess I'd better be ready to get over whatever the hell reason I left you by the time we get to the compulsory reconciliation at the end. Were we fighting over who gets to keep their first name?

ALEX HASSELL

I think it's a combination of the tired old "I work too much" trope combined with being under the financial thumb of my mother, "The Ref" style.

ALEXIS LOUDER

Ah, the old Chris Plummer classic. I assume the rest of your hastily-sketched 2D family will be here for the big party?

EDI PATTERSON

I'm Alex's sister. I drink!

(drinks)

CAM GIGANDET

I'm Edi's boyfriend, and an Actor, hence I am vain and stupid.

(vains, stupidly)

ALEXANDER ELIOT

I'm a teen, therefore I livestream everything! Holy shit do we have EVERY version of "Alex" in this movie? Where's Xander Berkeley?

(snaptoks)

BEVERLY D'ANGELO

(commanding room)

HELLO AWFUL FAMILY, I AM HERE. Merry fucking Christmas Eve. I hope you spineless ingrates appreciate the special catering I've hired for this event.

ALEXIS LOUDER

I was gonna ask, where did you find them? They seem a bit... sketchy.

CATERING STAFF

(case joint)

(give side-eye)

(ignore grooming for past five months, demonstrating conduct blatantly unbecoming a high-end catering company)

(assemble assault rifles)

BEVERLY D'ANGELO

I'm sure they're fine. Besides, to be any kind of serious threat they'd need an actual recognizable actor to lead them, and I don't see anyone fitting THAT description...

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

(bursting in)

SURPRISE! The Nakatomi plaza catering staff are actually evil, they work for me. We've killed your security and you're our hostages now, because I'm a serious villain. Also I HATE CHRISTMAS, OOOO I HATE IT SOOOO MUCH because I'm a Nickelodeon villain.

INT. ELSEWHERE, ON THE UPPER FLOOR OF THE HUGE SPRAWLING MANSION

Meanwhile DAVID HARBOUR is upstairs taking a quick COOKIE BREAK when the shooting starts!

DAVID HARBOUR

Oh shit! Must escape using my magical chimney teleport power which... isn't working? I guess my current identity crisis is why I can't get it up. Uh, get ME up. The chimney, that is.

A HENCHMAN bursts in and they FIGHT!

DAVID HARBOUR

Damn, my battle prowess and magical super-strength have also deserted me! Defeating this single lacky is gonna take one of those oops-he-fell-on-a-pointy-thing moments... oh hey whaddya know. Thanks, pointy thing!

(checks roof)

Seems all the gunfire frightened off the reindeer, which surprisingly didn't include Rudolph. We saving him for the sequel?

DAVID starts sneaking away but sees the HOSTAGES including LEAH, causing his heart to GROW THREE SIZES and decide to help after all.

INT. BASEMENT REC ROOM

While searching for a phone DAVID is surprised by ANOTHER HENCHMAN!

DAVID HARBOUR

Fuck! Still not at full power, what else can I... oh right, Christmas gimmicks!

DAVID uses his INFINITE BAG OF HOLDING to hold his own, then finishes off the baddie with a TREE-TOPPER STAR TO THE EYEBALL, which sets the guy's HEAD on FIRE and absolutely NOTHING ELSE. DAVID takes the guy's WALKIE TALKIE and tries calling for help.

LEAH BRADY

(over radio)

Santa! Is that you Santa? I guilted my parents into scrambling for a last-second extra gift which they said was a Santa radio!

DAVID HARBOUR

Your parents gave you an unsupervised channel to broadcast to any rando who happens to pick up the frequency? I sure hope your house doesn't have Internet access. But luckily for you, I'm the 100% real Santa Claus, and I'm here to save everyone. How's it going in there?

LEAH BRADY

(on radio)

I managed to escape to the tiny cramped attic that somehow sits above every room in the entire sprawling mansion. But everyone else is prisoner in the living room!

DAVID HARBOUR

Not for long! CHAAAAARGE

(captured)

Aw shit.

INT. FORMAL SITTING ROOM NOW DOUBLING AS IMPROVISED TORTURE ROOM

JOHN LEGUIZAMO ties up DAVID and interrogates him.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

We murdered every guard on sight, but for some reason I want to know more about you and your motivations. Now talk!

DAVID HARBOUR

All right. Centuries ago I was a badass Celtic warrior, right up until [FOOTAGE MISSING] which is how I became Santa Claus. Of course I didn't have this suit until around the 1880s, which was still kind of homemade until Coca-Cola offered to be my Tony Stark and create this extra spiffy tricked-out suit. So anyway-

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

OOOH THE ONLY THING I HATE MORE THAN CHRISTMAS IS CHRISTMAS TRIVIA!!!!

(throws magic bag in fire!)

DAVID HARBOUR

NOOOOOO NOT MY MAGIC BAG THAT HOLDS ALL CHILDREN'S PRESENTS and which I have a spare one at home but NOOOOOOO

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

(cocks gun)

I've had enough! You die now. Here I go. Riiiiiiight noooowww..... gonna pullll... that... trigger..... riiiiiiight....

But just then TINY WHITE PARTICLES appear as if SNOWING! All the baddies GAWK IN WONDER for just long enough-

DAVID HARBOUR

I bet my self-esteem has risen enough to teleport again.

(teleports up chimney)

Yay me!

LEAH BRADY

Woo-hoo! I dumped styrofoam into an air duct and it magically found its way to exactly the one other room I wanted it to!

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Grr! Minions, find that kid and kill her! But don't try too hard, y'know, action-comedy.

INT. BACK DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LIVING ROOM

The FAMILY continues to be held hostage but somehow CAM GIGANDET escapes! Just outside he runs into COMMANDER MIKE DOPUD and a SNOW SWAT TEAM.

CAM GIGANDET

Hurray it's Beverly's hand-picked rescue team, come to rescue us! But wait... we've already got lots of Die Hard elements going on and in the second Die Hard, there was a military team in white snow-camo that was SUPPOSED to be good but turned out to

(dead)

MIKE DOPUD

(going inside)

Yep I'm evil too. So are each and every one of my team, we're a hive mind. Now, with this passcard I have, and John's safecracking software, we can easily open the vault downstairs, and rob it!

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

(entering)

Hey buddy! Yeah it's almost as if you and I could have come by anytime when the house was empty and robbed the vault all by our lonesome.

(thinks)

Oh right, except for that I HAAATE CHRISTMAAASSS SOOOOO MUCHHH yeah, that's it.

EDI PATTERSON

(drinks)

INT. GARDENING SHED THING OUTSIDE THE MAIN HOUSE

DAVID takes refuge, dressing his wounds CHRISTMAS-STYLE with ornament hooks and bargain-brand tape that REFUSES TO STAY STUCK ON CERTAIN FOIL PAPER, FUCK YOU STUPID TAPE but eventually he gets stitched up.

DAVID HARBOUR

(fondling wedding ring)

I miss you Mrs. Claus. If we hadn't run out of budget to hire known actors I bet you'd be played by someone cool. Maybe you AND Rudolph can show up for the highly anticipated sequel!

(winks to camera)

LEAH BRADY

(on radio)

Look out Santa! Die Hard 2 is coming after you, meanwhile I'm doing a Home Alone thing over here! It's okay though we explicitly reference Home Alone in the movie so it's not a ripoff. Get ready!

DAVID drops his ring and it rolls to land beside an ENORMOUS SPOTLIGHTED RED HAMMER, how the fuck did you miss seeing that DAVID.

DAVID HARBOUR

Aw, thanks hon! Now at long last for the proper Santa-kicks-fucking-ass mayhem this movie's been promising since minute one!

The SNOW SWAT TEAM charges in and gets SO UTTERLY DESTROYED IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY it's like TWELVE DAYS OF DAVID HARBOUR KICKING YOUR ASS TO DEATH AND ON THE TWELFTH DAY DAVID HARBOUR GIVES TO YOU HIM RIPPING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR ATOMS TWELVE NEW ASSHOLES. He even murders the one guy who gives up and runs away which is his way of putting the MASSACRE back into CHRISTMASSACRE.

INT. BACK IN THE ATTIC

Meanwhile LEAH uses her HOME ALONE traps to MURDER one bad guy, but is about to be killed by OBLIGATORY SEXY VILLAINESS MITRA SURI!

MITRA SURI

Now you die, kid. Yep, here I go. Gonna puuuull.. thiiis... triigger....

DAVID HARBOUR

(appearing)

Not so fast!

(clobbers Mitra)

I'm going to squish your head like a grape now, but I'd like to pause and remind the audience of my moral justification for doing so first, since you're the only woman on the evil team!

(Neganizes)

STEPHANIE SY

Hey, I'm on the evil team too-

(killed in split-second shot in far background off to the side, so thanks for coming out Stephanie)

What the fuck.

DAVID rescues everyone but JOHN LEGUIZAMO and MIKE LOPUD are getting away with both the money and BEVERLY D'ANGELO!

ALEX HASSELL

Are we going to cover the subplot where I actually stole the money first, as part of a scheme to get my wife back except I learn that what REALLY matters is-

DAVID HARBOUR

Fuck off, your storyline sucks shit and nobody cares. Just do your reconciling or whatever while I zoom off to the FINAL BATTLE!

(grabs snowmobile)

NOW I HAVE A SNOWMOBILE, HO HO HO.

(pause)

Well my character doesn't know how to use machine guns.

EXT. SNOW-COVERED FOREST SOMEHWERE IN MANITOBA THE GOOD OL' U.S. OF A.

JOHN and COMMANDER MIKE make their hasty retreat down the impeccably laid-down snowmobile tracks as DAVID chases. BEVERLY makes MIKE crash so in retaliation JOHN makes DAVID crash!

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Now I get to murder Santa, this is the best day ever! You may be immortal but I've got spike treads that I've somehow been wearing all along!

DAVID HARBOUR

Ah but you shouldn't have confronted me here, next to a giant chimney in the middle of the woods, wow that's a stroke of fucking luck.

(grabs John)

(starts teleporting!)

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Okay but we established you teleport as ethereal magic light, you didn't take anything with you before so I should just stay here and-

(dragged up tiny chimney, torn into shreds)

For fuck's sake, thanks for everything, David Harbour.

(dead)

Suddenly MIKE shoots DAVID but BEVERLY shoots MIKE and everyone believes in SANTA now so DAVID is fine. The REINDEER return with the back-up SANTA BAG, hurray!

DAVID HARBOUR

My work is done here, and I love being Santa again! Off to deliver presents to the world! HI HO PRANCER, AW-

LEAH BRADY

(crying)

But.. but Santa... will I ever see you again?

(blubbers)

EVERYONE

(heartfelt looks)

DAVID HARBOUR

Well, yeah, every Christmas Eve for the rest of your life I guess.

LEAH BRADY

(brightens)

Oh right! How silly of me.

ALEXIS LOUDER

Well if this is your idea of Christmas, I GOTTA be here for New Year's!

(mugs to camera)

GENERAL LAUGHTER

END