INT. TOKYO FURRY PRISON

Two GUARDS are sharing idle chit-chat while they look at KEANU THE HEDGEHOG, immersed in his RED PILL PRISON.

GUARD 1

It turns out today is the 50th anniversary of Shadow’s imprisonment.

GUARD 1 walks under a ladder, pets a black cat, and breaks a mirror.

GUARD 2

There’s no way he can get out now with all the high-tech weaponry and state-of-the-art prison gear we have to keep such a dangerous creature locked up.

GUARD 2 checks his calendar and notices it is Friday the 13th. He then excuses himself to the 13th floor.

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG wakes up CRANKY. He TELEPORT MAIMS all the GUARDS, wearing his early 2000s SOAPZ shoes with rail grinding EXTREMENESS!

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG

Sweet, teleportation powers! Because we can’t just overload the cast with generic speedsters.

ALL THE FLASHES

Oh, you can’t?

EXT. FANBOY HILLS

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG, IDRIS ECHIDNA, and O’SHAUGHNESSEY PROWER are preparing for a race. SCHWARTZHOG realizes his friends ghosted him halfway through.

JAMES MARSDEN and TIKA SUMPTER surprise him with a birthday party.

JAMES MARSDEN

We are celebrating a milestone. You have some outstanding achievements to be proud of.

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

Because I saved the world twice from Dr. Robutt Nick.

TIKA SUMPTER

Even better, you made people forget about Sonic 2.

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

Sonic what?

JAMES MARSDEN

Egg-zactly!

IDRIS ECHIDNA

Even I was able to spread my acting credibility with my excellently produced Knuckles series.

(throws away Golden Globe)

O’SHAUGHNESSEY PROWER

Sonic, it’s been one minute since wild ADD energy filled every frame. We must do something before kids start Tik Toking and eating Tide pods.

(dropkicks Sonic into the next plot)

INT. TOKYO TIMES SQUARE

The TRIPLE FURRIES OF FANDOM take a GUN Helicopter to TOKYO. When they see KEANU blowing up cities, they JUMP OUT OF THE PLANE.

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

Physics doesn’t matter!

O’SHAUGHNESSEY PROWER

We are immortal!!!

EDRIS ECHIDNA

Remember, kids, you can’t die if you yell a catchphrase.

The TRIPLE FURRIES OF FANDOM battle KEANU THE HEDGEHOG but get their bodies maimed, exploded, and pummeled.

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG

Leave me alone. I am going through an emo phase.

(plays Black Veiled Brides in his blacklight room)

KEANU escapes on his motorcycle. He shoots bullets at SCHWARTZHOG, O’SHAUGHNESSEY, EDRIS, THE CONTINENTAL STAFF, RUSSIAN MOBSTERS, ITALIAN GANGSTERS, THE YAKUZA, and THE MAFIA. He then remembers what movie he is in and throws the guns away.

EDRIS ECHIDNA

We lost him!

O’SHAUGHNESSEY PROWER

We need to regroup and restrategize.

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

It better be the most rambunctious, loud, adrenaline-soaked sensory overload. I just saw a teen start a planking and dabbing challenge.

INT. CHAO-E-CHEESE

JAPAN goes…full Japan in this scene. Many fans will notice the Chao Garden throwbacks to Sonic Adventure 2 on the Dreamcast and GameCube. Enjoy your forties, you sad basement dwellers.

TOM BUTLER

Sonic, I have a secret key to a secret weapon that you cannot let Shadow get.

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

So you are giving it to a fidgety pubescent alien instead of putting it in the impenetrable fortress fortified with high-tech weaponry and fail-safes? It might be lost on you that my team is having a military meeting at Chuck E. Cheese.

TOM BUTLER

Never mind the logic. The important thing is...

(gets laser blasted by Egg Drone)

O’SHAUGHNESSEY PROWER

It’s Eggman!

LEE MAJDOUB

(crashes through the window and shoots everything)

No, it’s not Eggman…it is the work of an eccentric lunatic with extreme boundary issues and an insatiable hunger for attention.

IDRIS ECHIDNA

Soooo...not Jim Carrey?

LEE MAJDOUB

Oh no, it is still Jim.

They escape.

KRYSTEN RITTER

(investigates the damage in the Chao Garden)

This is a travesty. The pubescent furries we hired to stop Shadow just found out we have a weapon of mass destruction that could have been used to stop Shadow. Why it left the impenetrable fortress with high-tech defenses is beyond anyone’s guess.

(thinks)

maybe we should stop renting it out like Blockbuster tapes.

INT. CRAB SUB-THE TUESDAY $5 FOOTLONG

Here it is, folks. It's the one redeeming factor that keeps this movie in the same conversation as SUPER MARIO BROS. ROBOTCARREY is covered in filth, fat, and sad. The DIRECTOR NUDGES him, and he starts doing his schtick.

ROBOTCARREY

(bouncing around on a pogo stick throwing firecrackers)

Look at me. Put all your attention on me! I am so me in this me-centered film.

LEE MAJDOUB

My secret man-crush…I mean, sir. The Sega characters found us.

ROBOTCARREY

(ordering an 8-piece bucket of scene-chewing)

Meeeeee? My arch-nemesis? The kids in the hall? The Super Fuzzio Brothers? Captain Blue Shoes, Fox McCloudy with a chance of Speed Balls, and The Enchilada? They foooooound meeeeeee?

(backflips into a clown car and blows it up)

LEE MAJDOUB

(to Sonic)

Give him a few minutes, and then you can talk again.

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

(after several minutes)

Someone stole your technology and broke Hot Topics Mickey Mouse out of prison.

ROBOTCARREY

(cartwheels over to Sonic)

Welp! Let’s find them. It's time for a team-up! Sonic and Doctor Robotnik are finally…

INT. ABANDONED LAIR

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

(getting tied up by Robotcarrey)

We didn’t even last five minutes.

ROBOTCARREY and OLD ROBOTCARREY are OOGLING each other.

ROBOTCARREY

(slathering mayo on a rock)

What can I say? I found the only actor on this set I respect. Although, I should test you to see if we are in-sync.

(pauses)

Our worst movie is...

BOTH CARREYS

The Number 23

ROBOTCARREY

Impressive. The actor whose rising career we disrupted for an unnecessary sequel to a movie no one asked for...

BOTH CARREYS

Jeff Daniels.

ROBOTCARREY

Right. We will be remembered at our memorial for...

BOTH CARREYS

Making our butt talk.

They hug.

OLD ROBOTCARREY

(juggling chainsaws)

Now that I have found my son, I can release my plan. Goth Chinchilla and I will get the super secret weapon and use it to get revenge on the world for our tragically linked backstory. There are two keys to operate it; the last is in the super impenetrable fortress.

ROBOTCARREY and OLD ROBOTCARREY start playing leap frog.

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG

But first I am going to throw this blackhole bomb which will destroy this secret base and obliterate a whole mountain…you know, why don’t we use these things? Drop a few in every building, and we can get revenge.

THE TRIO OF FURRY TREE FRIENDS escape with a warp ring before the blackhole bomb destroys the mountain.

INT. OLD LAIR FLASHBACK

Ah, the SIXTIES. It's the perfect setting for a KEANU THE HEDGEHOG backstory. ALYLA BROWN is a young girl rollerskating through a government weapons facility holding a box of old records…as any sixties kid would. She spots KEANU immersed in a GREEN LIQUID TUBE.

ALYLA BROWN

Jeepers, no wonder you are always angry and dark; you are constantly drowning in green liquid. Has anyone ever played Sonic? The water levels are hell.

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG

Maybe you can be the pure light in my life that turns this monster into a lovable creature.

ALYLA BROWN

Cue the montage.

ALYLA and KEANU have many friend dates where they braid each other’s hair, skip rope, start food fights, and steal nuclear codes…as any sixties kid would.

ANIME FANFIC WRITER

(eyes brighten up)

Shadow and a little girl…hmmm.

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG

(gets a broom)

Get out of here! Go! You are not welcome near this pure relationship! This is not Sonic 2006!

(fanfic writer scurries off)

INT. SONIC’S HOME

SONIC THE SCHWARZHOG and FRIENDS return to JAMES MARSDEN and TIKA SUMPTER.

SONIC THE SCHWARZTHOG

Boring unpowered flesh people, how are you doing?

JAMES MARSDEN

You have to take us on a mission, Sonic. We are important.

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

Oh, I forget that people prefer James as their character when they play Sonic and Knuckles. The Tika Sumpter levels in Sonic Adventure 2 make the whole game. Kids are definitely downloading Sonic Dash, hoping that Tom Butler is unlockable on day one.

TIKA SUMPTER

I hate to recall Sonic 2 memories, but what about those Super Saiyan Crystals you used to beat Robotnik efficiently?

IDRIS ECHIDNA

There are various reasons to use those with little to no backlash, but I believe Chekov’s Chaos Emerald must be fired in Act 3.

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

We need to get the last key. Let’s storm the very well-defended GUN building in…

(looks through CGI backgrounds)

London.

INT. GUN VAULT

ROBOTCARREY and OLD ROBOTCARREY finished a montage of playing with each other and now…they are in a vault playing with each other. But this playing involves a CHEMICAL BROTHERS’ SONG.

ROBOTCARREY

(wearing a tutu and throwing a football)

Do you think it’s weird that we had to double my presence to ensure people understood this movie is better?

OLD ROBOTCARREY

(talking out of his butt)

It's not as weird as the stand-in actor pretending to be me that no one will ever know or appreciate.

THE FURRIES, THE HUMANS, and MAD SCIENTISTS get into the vault and try to steal the key, but the GRAVITY FLOOR keeps all of them stuck to the ground.

KRYSTEN RITTER

My perfect plan: I give you all bread crumbs to this lab, and then you come up with several plans to compromise our security and put multiple guards in the hospital so that I can trap you inches away from the key that will destroy the world.

SONIC THE SCHWARZHOG

That makes perfect sense, like when the Avengers packed up all the Infinity Stones and presented them to Thanos to catch him.

IDRIS ECHIDNA

Or when Optimus Prime gift-wrapped the All-Spark and delivered it to Megatron so they could capture him.

O’SHAUGHNESSEY PROWER

Or when Mario gave a tied-up Princess Peach to Koopa Castle so he could capture Bowser.

ROBOTCARREY

Or when the Justice League revealed their identities and their closest kin to Lex Luthor so they could catch him.

OLD ROBOTCARREY

Or when Aladdin willingly handed the lamp to Jafar as a ploy to capture him.

KRYSTEN RITTER

Fine, it’s a stupid plan that puts everything in danger. You don’t have to hammer me to death with how pointless this is.

SONIC THE SCHWARZHOG

Is now a good time to pick apart how we are on the same team and a simple text could’ve unified us on a front against Shadow?

KRYSTEN RITTER

Shut up! No one is even going to remember us non-Carrey humans.

JAMES MARSDEN puts on a digital disguise to make him look like TOM BUTLER (who is confirmed dead). KRYSTEN RITTER gives him the key with barely a reservation.

KRYSTEN RITTER

I really am the stupidest human being in the world.

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG slashes JAMES MARSDEN/TOM BUTLER’S torso and steals the key.

EXT. ADAM PALLY’S PLACE

ADAM PALLY uses the Chaos Emerald as toilet paper…or something stupid. SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG appears.

SONIC SCHWARTZHOG

(arrives)

Discount Chris Pratt!!!!!

ADAM PALLY

It's time for me to shi…

SONIC SCHWARTZHOG

(leaves with emerald)

Bye, Wish.com Jonah Hill!

THE STUDIO hands ADAM PALLY $50 and a gift card to BATH AND BODYWORKS for his time.

INT. SECRET LAB FLASHBACK

YOUNG NOT-TOM BUTLER is arguing with the MILITARY SCIENTIST about KEANU’S POWER.

YOUNG NOT-TOM BUTLER

It’s too dangerous to have Keanu in this flashback.

MILITARY SCIENTIST

What if I accidentally shoot a red barrel next to him and level this place?

ALYLA BROWN

(cinder block falls on her head)

Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so well.

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG

It's time for my revenge, where I destroy everyone involved. Not a single human will be left...

(gets arrested)

Or I can wait for 50 years.

OLD ROBOTCARREY

She was my daughter!

(asks director why Alya can’t be replaced with a 3rd Carrey)

INT. SPACE SQUID THING

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG is running around the base, starting up the SUPER SUICIDAL MEGA LASER.

OLD ROBOTCARREY

Now, we need to fire up the mega laser, incinerate the earth, and end our own lives.

(drinks Kool-Aid)

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG

(winks at kids)

This is the only way to grieve appropriately.

ROBOTCARREY

Wait, what? I thought we were going to take over the world.

OLD ROBOTCARREY

You didn’t find it weird that Keanu and I have been drooling over our annihilation? We made you sign those life insurance policies. We went father-son casket shopping. Nothing clued you in?

ROBOTCARREY

Somebody stop me!

EXT. THE MOON

SUPER SCHWARTZHOG and SUPER KEANU are punching each other on the moon.

SUPER KEANU

Can we breathe air on the moon?

SUPER SCHWARTZHOG

Yes, I yelled a catchphrase before springing into space, so biology and physics stalled a bit.

SUPER KEANU

I am starting to think mass murder and suicide is not the best way to express my grief for the one week I met that girl.

SUPER SCHWARTZHOG

You are allowed one moment of reflective character growth, but not too long. I saw a teen lick the back of their seat as an Instagram Challenge.

INT. SPACE SQUID THING

THE LASER is about to fire. What are the two CARREYS doing? You guessed it…playing slap and tickle. Get a room!

OLD ROBOTCARREY

(spanking Robotcarrey)

I am so glad I left retirement for this.

O’SHAUGHNESSEY PROWER and IDRIS ECHIDNA rescue ROBOTCARREY while taking deep breaths in the vacuum of space. OLD ROBOTCARREY gets kicked into the incinerator. Strangely, half the movie’s value sinks.

EXT. SPACE BATTLE

SCHWARTZHOG and KEANU have teamed up to destroy OLD ROBOTCARREY’S STAR FIGHTERS, while taking gracious gulps of plentiful air.

KEANU THE HEDGEHOG

This feels more like Panzer Dragoon's gameplay.

INT. SPACE SQUID THING

ROBOTCARREY redirects the MEGA LASER away from the EARTH; the entire satellite is going up in flames.

ROBOTCARREY

I want the world to know that this is my laaaaaast performance ever. Super pinkie promise. You will never see me in another role.

(is handed Son of the Mask 2 script)

ALL THE MARKETABLE FURRIES

(escaping)

Good luck, Eggman.

EXT. FURRY HILLS ACT 3

JAMES MARSDEN, TIKA SUMPTER, IDRIS ECHIDNA, O’SHAUGHNESSEY PROWER, and SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG are celebrating their victory.

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

We can clearly say that Sonic’s notable and marketable enemies have been dealt with. This has been an incredible journey.

O’SHAUGHNESSEY PROWER

Everything is back to normal, except we should all be in Guantanamo for global espionage against a worldwide military. Also, Krysten Ritter is probably being court-martialed and charged as a traitor for her endangerment of the entire world.

IDRIS ECHIDNA

Now, I can go back to Oscar-winning performances.

SUDDENLY, AMY emerges with her giant toy hammer, setting the stage for SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 4, starring JIM CARREY.

AMY

Sonic, I hate you! Let's fight. Now let's team up together at the end to stop Robotcarrey!

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG

Would the Mega Laser suicide been so bad?

EVERYONE LAUGHS.

EXT. FURRY HILLS ACT 3- TEN SEQUELS LATER

SONIC THE SCHWARTZHOG, IDRIS ECHIDNA, O’SHAUGHNESSEY PROWER, KEANU THE HEDGEHOG, AMY, BIGS THE CAT, CREAM, SILVER THE HEDGEHOG, STICKS, ROGUE THE BAT, and VECTOR THE CROCODILE are enjoying the FINAL END to ROBOTCARREY when suddenly MIGHTY THE ARMADILLO crashes into their world.

MIGHTY THE ARMADILLO

Sonic…

ALL THE FURRIES

We know. We know.

END