FADE IN:

EXT. GREEN HILLS ZONE - PLANET SEGA

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Hey there, DeviantArt! And others, presumably! Sonic here! Remember me? That relic of the 1990s “Sassy Animal Mascot Who’s Into Junk Food And Extreme Sports” fad who just refuses to go the way of the ‘Noid? Well, apparently two decades of increasingly disappointing media hasn’t totally killed my brand yet! Let’s celebrate with a CGI fish-out-of-water animal movie! Which is a genre, somehow! Radical!

He snorts a PIXIE STICK and RUNS quite SPEEDILY through a PLANET with random LOOPS, TRAILS, and BOUNCE PADS, because the WORLDBUILDING in this movie consists of “REMEMBER THE GAMES?!?!” pasted in block letters onscreen.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Yep, life’s pretty sweet for a bizarre blue alien biped with inexplicable speedpowers. Why do I look like a garden mammal? Who gives a fuck?! Why do I speak English? What are you, CinemaSins?! Just sit back, smoke a doobie, and let your childhood wash over you in all kinds of uncomfortable-

He is struck by an ARROW. Random ECHIDNA TRIBALS are ATTACKING HIM for no reason!

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Oh shit! A gang of Sequel Hooks! I better use this super speed I already have to-

CGI GIANT OWL

No, Sonic! Take these magic rings! Flee this planet into the far-flung reaches of the empty universe!!

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

No, I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine. Watch.

He runs to the OPPOSITE POLE of the PLANET in 0.2 seconds and files his TAXES on the way back.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

See? And these fuckers don’t even have BULLETS.

CGI GIANT OWL

But Sonic, these creatures will never leave you at peace! Your powers shall make you a target for them forever more!

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Okay, I’m sorry, who are you again? There are like six hundred side characters from this franchise, did I somehow miss Giant Mom Owl somewhere between Stripper Bat Girlfriend and Knockoff Totoro With Pet Frog?

CGI GIANT OWL

Those are real?

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Yes. Don’t Google them. Trust me.

CGI GIANT OWL

Whatever. FLEE, SONIC! FLEE!!!

She punts BEN through a GOLDEN RING PORTAL. He slips through SPACETIME for a hot second before popping out in the LIVING HELLSCAPE that is RURAL MONTANA.

EXT. TEAL MOUND DISTRICT - MONTANA

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Hey, kids! And adults whose acid hasn’t kicked in yet, presumably! Sonic again! It’s been ten years and holy shit TEN YEARS and uh, well, here I am! Still keepin’ it real with my bad self! You know, despite a decade of living in complete isolation in this alien wilderness, going slowly insane as I observe the humans around me lead happy lives filled with community and friendship! Tubular!

BEN zips around town using that magic CGI SPEED DUST that lets characters move faster than a BULLET but without displacing any AIR. He grabs a random TURTLE and TORTURES IT by speeding around the LANDSCAPE a few times, then spends his evening HARASSING the local SWAMP HOBO, who draws the shitty SANIC MEME which yes okay I LAUGHED AT THAT PART whatever. Later on, he stops by the highway to engaging in some light STALKING of police officer JAMES MARSDEN.

JAMES MARSDEN

I don’t know, donuts. Sometimes I feel like there’s more to life than wasting taxpayer money chilling in my squad car, inventing personalities for pastry.

DONUT

It is a little bit extremely pathetic, James.

JAMES MARSDEN

I just want to do something more with my life, you know?

DONUT

Let X-Men go, James. Disney’s mulching that entire franchise right now, you’ll be lucky if you get another slot on Westworld before-

JAMES MARSDEN

Oh, not my film career, no. I meant more like, cop-related dreams.

DONUT

Oh. So you want to bust the local, uh, cattle rustlers or something?

JAMES MARSDEN

Even better! I want to move to San Francisco! And be a cop there instead!

DONUT

(pause)

THAT’s your big dream? You want to be a beat cop in a city known for public pooping? Jesus, James, maybe these Barbie games you play with your Cinnabon Classic Pack isn’t the most pathetic thing about you.

JAMES MARSDEN

(scarfing down donuts)

Perish with your brethren, heretic.

BEN goes ZOOMING past JAMES’ RADAR GUN just to fuck with him.

JAMES MARSDEN

Hark! My radar gun shows quite the number! I am vexed! Vexed, I say!

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

(giggles like the mischievous scamp we now know him to be)

Later that night, BEN goes to an unlit BASEBALL DIAMOND to unwind for a bit.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Lemme see, what else is on the planner for tonight? Zip around my room? Stare at James and his wife from their garden like Michael fucking Meyers? Surrender to existential dread? Yeah. Yeah, that last one sounds amazeballs.

BEN, mad with despair, runs in circles around the DIAMOND until he EXPLODES BLUE ELECTROJIZZ over a fifty mile radius. This knocks out POWER to the entire NORTHWEST. Thousands die in the initial cataclysm as CARS crash and AIRPLANES plummet from the sky. Pacemakers and life-support machines fail. In the coming hours, panic and confusion claim more lives as people loot grocery stores and gas stations, trying desperately to power cellphones and contact loved ones. The stock market plummets. Tensions flare in the Middle East as a rumor circulates on Facebook that Jihadi extremists were behind the attack. Half a million people die in the ensuing Third Gulf War, which drags on for twelve years. Montana remains unchanged.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Uhhh… Lit! Fornite! Bye Felicia!

(runs)

INT. PENTAGON - SITUATION ROOM

Several GENERALS gather to discuss the recent ATTACK.

GENERAL EXPOSITION

Alright, men. We’re facing the worst crisis since the first Sonic trailer dropped. According to our reports, an energy bloom in rural Montana blew out power to a third of the country. We need ideas.

GENERAL IDEA

Sir, what if we called… HIM?

GENERAL VIBEOFTHEPLACE

You can’t seriously mean… him?! He’s been going downhill since the mid-2000’s! Did you SEE Dumb and Dumber To?!

GENERAL ELECTRIC

Hey now, Kidding is pretty good.

GENERAL VIBEOFTHEPLACE

Have you seen it?

GENERAL ELECTRIC

No one has. But I heard-

GENERAL EXPOSITION

Enough! We’re calling him! SOMEONE’s got to liven up this C-grade cast!

EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND

At ground zero, CORPORAL NEAL “OH YEAH, THAT GUY” MCDONOUGH awaits his new superior. A huge MOBILE ROBOTICS LAB arrives. A huge RAMP descends. Upon it is none other than-

JIM CARREY

(fireworks)

ALLLLLRIGHTY THEN!

NEAL MCDONOUGH

I’m sorry, who are you again?

JIM CARREY

Dr. Robotnik, at your service. Not really. But yes. Fuck you. ItalkquicklyandthatmeansI’msmart.

NEAL MCDONOUGH

Wait, aren’t you supposed to be fat? And have a bigger mustache? You look like the archbishop of a disco/steampunk cult from a Rush album.

JIM CARREY

(idiot voice)

“Oh hey, Jim Carrey’s doing broad comedy again, wow that’s cool, I heard he had a rough few years there and I’m glad he’s feeling up to making people laugh again.” Why thank you, Person-Way-Nicer-THAN-THIS-THUMB-SHAPED-MAN-IN-FRONT-OF-ME!!

NEAL MCDONOUGH

That hurt. So, you’re taking over this movie then? This is my only scene, I just want to sneak to the catering truck before we wrap.

JIM CARREY

Yep, just keep the camera aimed vaguely in my direction and I’ll fart you out a concerto. I’m in my fucking ELEMENT TODAY!!

JIM releases a swarm of AMAZON DEATH-DELIVERY DRONES. They begin scanning the area while NEAL fills his pockets with CRACKERS and leaves.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Hark! ‘Tis an autonomous intruder I hear! I’m discovered! I must flee once again to galaxies unknown!

He grabs his bag of RINGS and decides to RUN AROUND to a SAFER PLACE instead of just ACTIVATING THEM RIGHT THERE because he is an IDIOT. He hides in JAMES’S SHED.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Alright, time to be alone forever again. Farewell, Earth! ‘Twas not meant to be! Sure, I may be fast enough that bullets crawl towards me like low-charge golf carts, but on the other hand…

(thinks)

Okay, actually yeah, why the fuck am I fleeing when I can just-

JAMES MARSDEN

(kicking in door)

FUCK YOU, TRASH PANDA!

(shoots dart gun)

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

(groggy)

Not dank, fam.... Decidedly un-lit...

He drops his RING, which opens a portal to SAN FRANCISCO. BEN drops his RINGS into the PORTAL and passes out. JAMES goes to inspect the body.

JAMES MARSDEN

What on earth…? Wait a minute… blue fur… big eyes… marketable plushy CGI body… oh god no...

(weeping)

I DID MY CGI ANIMAL MOVIE, YOU BASTARDS! THE DEBT WAS PAID! LOS ZETAS GOT THEIR MONEY BACK! I DID HOP, CARLOS! I DID HOOOOP!!!

Just off-camera, a LARGE MAN with a SCAR over one eye extinguishes a CIGARETTE onto JAMES’ HEADSHOT.

INT. MARSDEN RESIDENCE

JAMES brings the bizarre alien rodent into his KITCHEN because he is an IDIOT.

JAMES MARSDEN

Oh god, what is this spiny Paddington thing? It looks like Doctor Moreau’s senior project.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

(awakening)

Ugh, and you look like a cheaper James Franco.

JAMES MARSDEN

It talks! This vexes me!

(vexed face)

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Unvex thyself! I need help! The US army’s after me because I accidentally Chernobyled the state last night, and now I’m too stoned on tranq juice to go fast like I usually gotta! You need to help me get my rings back so I can bwoop to another planet. You see…

(sniffles)

(sings)

Technically, I’m HOOooOOOmeless…

Suddenly, a huge TECHNO-TRUCK appears out front. JIMBOTNIK steps out and approaches the front door.

JAMES MARSDEN

Well, ten minutes ago I discovered everything I thought I knew about physics and biology and man’s place in the universe was shattered and as far as I know you’re a Brightburn waiting to happen, but on the other hand, fuck the Gubmint, ain’t no tax-suckled G-Man tellin’ me what kinda space weasels I can keep in MY damn kitchen.

BEN hides while JAMES approaches JIM.

JIM CARREY

Greetings, moron. Last night my spyPods tracked an unusual energy signature to this gorgeous McMansion here. You wouldn’t have any nuclear fission material stowed inside those cheekbones, would you?

JAMES MARSDEN

Nope, and if I did, I sure wouldn’t tell a Star Trek funeral director like you.

JIM CARREY

Oh good, that means I get to interrogate you with my robot.

JIM summons a MURDERBOT. JAMES becomes VEXED.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

(appears)

Stop making my friend make faces!

JIM gives a really LOUD AND STUPID SCREAM and ITS FUNNY OKAY WHATEVER I ONLY LAUGHED A LITTLE. JAMES punches JIM out cold.

JAMES MARSDEN

Welp, I guess I’m a fugitive now. Let’s get to my car.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Or I could just carry you and we could get there in fifteen minutes.

JAMES MARSDEN

Can we stick a Honda logo on your knees? No? Then get in the fucking product placement.

INT. INEVITABLE ROAD TRIP MIDDLE ACT

Our newly-formed ODD COUPLE do some CAR BONDING.

JAMES MARSDEN

Alright Box-Office-Crash Bandicoot, I just upended my entire life to help you E.T. your way out of a government vivisection class, so you better treat me with some respect.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Heartwarming PG shenanigans, gotcha. I love you, human friend.

JAMES MARSDEN

I deeply regret this. Maybe someone at this roadside TGI Friday’s will kill you for me.

They sneak into a BAR that looks PERFECTLY FAMILY-FRIENDLY what with all the ARCADE MACHINES and BRIGHTLY-LIT DECOR, but is still nonetheless full of ARYAN BROTHERHOOD for some reason.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Like my disguise, James? I think this cowboy hat and glasses almost cover up my bulbous cereal mascot eyes.

JAMES MARSDEN

You’re just a tennis ball on a stick to me so sure, fuck it, you’re perf.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Man, I just love being around people! I wanna make friends with everybody!

Some extras from SONS OF ANARCHY approach them.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Hi friends!

MURDERER

(opening flip knife)

We Nintendon’t cotton to yer kind ‘round these parts.

JAMES MARSDEN

Uh, I’m literally a cop. Are you gonna just… stab a cop? The fuck kind of Fudrucker’s IS this?!

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Things are getting tense. Can’t have that! Hashtag Coolbeans!

BEN zips out to the decaying remains of the 20TH CENTURY FOX studio and sneaks past the DISNEY LIQUIDATORS to get raw footage from DAYS OF FUTURE PAST. On the way back to the bar, he cuts out the QUICKSILVER SCENE and photoshops HIMSELF over EVAN PETERS but leaves EVERYTHING ELSE UNCHANGED.

JAMES MARSDEN

I think you killed like four of these guys but okay, problem solved. Did we tick all the boxes on the Expectations Checklist?

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

(checks list)

“Chili dogs”. Okay, NOW we’re good.

EXT. HIGHWAY

The pair are still DRIVING. It’s DRIVING time again.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

So are we best buddies now? I feel like we should be.

JAMES MARSDEN

Yeah, we’re going to have to revisit the whole “stalked me for ten years” aspect of our relationship when Riddler Iron Man is done trying to kill us. Aw shit, speaking of.

JIM drives up behind them in his MOBILE APPLE STORE.

JIM CARREY

(deploying Kit from Knightrider)

Sssssmokin’!

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Uh oh, this is going to take ALL of my oh wait I already smashed it.

He FLOSS DANCES over the WRECKAGE because there is just NO RESPECT ANYMORE.

JIM CARREY

But wait! It also turns into a motorcycle!

BEN crashes it.

JIM CARREY

And a drone!

It gets CRUSHED.

JIM CARREY

And a widdle laser bumblebee!

JAMES hits it with a BAT.

JIM CARREY

Yeah, okay, getting trounced by the Physics Rat is fair enough, but this is getting sad. Time for my final trick! A FUCKING GRENADE!

He lands a STICKY BOMB on JAMES.

JAMES MARSDEN

Oh no! Get away from me, Sonic! You only have like ten minutes before this thing beeps fast enough to explode!

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

I’m not abandoning my best friend!

He just sort of YANKS THE BOMB OFF.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

I win! Nothing can hurt me!

JAMES MARSDEN

JEAN NO, GET IN THE X-JET! Sorry, wait, SONIC NO, GET AWAY FROM THE-

BEN does not MOVE AWAY from the BOMB because he is an IDIOT. It EXPLODES.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO

JAMES and the lifeless body of the SONIC FRANCHISE arrive at the home of JAMES’ LADY FRIEND, TIKA SUMPTER.

JAMES MARSDEN

Alright, little buddy, as pathetic screenwriting would have it, my fiancee happens to be a veterinarian. Here’s hoping that translates to alien physiology, somehow.

He sneaks BEN inside and is immediately AMBUSHED by TIKA and her LOUD SISTER NATASHA ROTHWELL.

TIKA SUMPTER

Hey honey, I haven’t seen you since you went to the garage to shoot darts at raccoons. Then I saw you on the FBI’s Most Wanted List. Now you’re here with what appears to be a child’s body wrapped in a bath towel. How was your day? Do you need a backrub?

NATASHA ROTHWELL

Aw hell naw! Ain’t no backrubbin’ goin’ on in this house! You need to leave this white boy right this minute or so help me I’mma turn my rings around!

She snaps above her head several times and instantly becomes the SECOND BEST PART OF THE MOVIE.

JAMES MARSDEN

Okay, I barely even have the energy for this hidey shtick. Look. I found Blue Bubsy Bobcat.

He shows everyone his LITTLE FURRY ANIMAL FRIEND. They all GET OVER IT PRETTY QUICKLY.

JAMES MARSDEN

Alright honey, now comes the ask. I need help getting to the roof of the TransAmerica Pyramid to steal this hedgehog’s portal-rings so he can escape earth forever because he’s afraid of the Grinch and his Doombas.

TIKA SUMPTER

Okay. Put him on the kitchen table. I’ll do some… veterinarian-ness on him.

She waves her hands a FEW TIMES. Nothing happens.

PRECOCIOUS NIECE

What if I gave him my favorite shooooes!

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Shoes?! That’s a thing associated with my brand!

He springs back to life through the power of PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

JAMES MARSDEN

Thanks, corporate synergy! Now, we gotta get to the Pyramid, so we’re going to need you to take mama Natasha hostage for a few hours while we avoid the police.

PRECOCIOUS NIECE

Can do!

They tie NATASHA to a chair and LEAVE THEM. It’s actually REALLY FUCKING FUNNY OKAY.

EXT. ROOF OF TRANSAMERICA PYRAMID

After a quick CHILD ABDUCTION GAG that feels SUPER OUT OF PLACE in this piece of TREACLE, the GANG find themselves on the ROOF.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Alright, well, here’s my rings. It’s been dope, donut fucker! But it’s time for this old hedgehog to go back to a life of desperate isolation.

JAMES MARSDEN

Sweet. I’ll think of you fondly while my balls are getting tased in Guantanamo.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

I love you too.

BEN prepares to PORTAL AWAY, when suddenly JIM appears in his DYSON AIRBLADE-COPTER, flanked by a swarm of EVIL SUPPOSITORIES.

JIM CARREY

Fools! You’ll never beat me and my robo-fleet! Observe! From a single quill off your weird head-tails, I have outfitted a legion of drones the likes of which you’ve never you already killed them all didn’t you...

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

S-ranked the level, yeah. I even got all the blue spheres on the bonus stage. I guess you could say…

(puts on shades)

You’re too slow.

(fuck yeah)

JIM CARREY

I can fix that.

JIM “ACTIVATES QUILL ENERGY” no really that’s what it says on his fucking SCREEN. His robot becomes SUPER FAST! And apparently SO DOES HE, because he doesn’t instantly PULP the whole cockpit into a BUILDING the moment he BREATHES ON THE CONTROLS!

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Gotta go fast!

He yeets JAMES and TIKA through a PORTAL back to MONTANA and starts ROLLING AROUND AT THE SPEED OF SOUND. JIM follows at his HEELS, blasting LASERS everywhere which luckily only hit CARS. And some PEDESTRIANS.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Gotta go faster than that! To other places, maybe!

He starts opening RING PORTALS to various OTHER PLACES. They pop out in PARIS and scare a MIME, and then they portal over to EGYPT and race around the PYRAMIDS, and then they nip down to RUSSIA and interrupt a BEAR on a UNICYCLE, and then they zoom up to INDIANA and are just really sad because it SUCKS THERE. Finally, BEN crash lands back in MONTANA, wounded and barely conscious.

JIM CARREY

And now, at long last, I can destroy my arch nemesis! Or, wait, capture and study him? Destroy him. I want to destroy him now.

JAMES MARSDEN

(climbing onto the speedcopter)

You’ll have to get through ME before-

Moments later, JAMES is back on the asphalt.

JIM CARREY

Great, so, anyway, time to grind this blue turd into lab rat food, ‘scuse me everyone.

JAMES MARSDEN

(shakily rising)

That blue turd was a great man! Hedgehog. Alien hedgehog. The true hedgehog was inside us all along!

TIKA checks his forehead.

JAMES MARSDEN

Yeah, I took that fall pretty hard. Yo Sonic, what’s the cue word to get you up again? Love? Chili dogs? Friendshi-

In a massive vortex of BLUE LIGHTNING, BEN enters into the AVATAR STATE.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Alright, Ass Ventura, this is about to get rougher than Sonic Spinball.

BEN begins BOUNCING off the BUILDINGS to BULLY the BATTLEBOT’s UNBREAKABLE BODY. How he manages to only harm the ROBOT and not all the STOREFRONTS and APARTMENTS he’s crashing into is a question best forwarded to the DEPARTMENT of FUCK-GIVING.

JIM CARREY

Oof! Ow! No! My bones!

JAMES MARSDEN

Awesome, Ben! Now explode him!

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

You want to explode Jim Carrey out of this franchise?! We just grossed enough to earn a sequel, we are NOT losing Jim fucking Carrey!

JAMES MARSDEN

(tossing a ring portal)

Alright, fine. Yeet him.

BEN smashes JIM into the PORTAL.

JIM CARREY

This isn’t the last you’ll see of me, Sonic! I’m doing comedies agaaaaaain!

The PORTAL closes. The whole town gathers around the GANG.

JAMES MARSDEN

Nicely done, friend.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

FRIEND?!?!

JAMES MARSDEN

Yeah, sure. You made a friend. Congratulations. And I learned that I don’t need to go to a big city like San Francisco to write parking tickets, I can do that here. And everyone in town seems pretty cool with the little acid trip that just played out in the streets. So I guess things worked out!

TIKA SUMPTER

Oh god! My sister’s still tied up at home with a child-

JAMES MARSDEN

I. Guess. Things. Worked. Out.

EXT. HIGHWAY

BEN rockets down the road, a FREE SPIRIT.

CGI BLUE BEN SCHWARTZ

Hey again, kids! And adults who were pleasantly surprised that this movie turned out slightly better than Alvin and the Chipmunks! I’m loving Earth now! I live in James’s home, and I have my own bed, and I never have to worry about anything again! See you all in the sequel!

END.

INT. MID-CREDITS SCENE

A now GAME-ACCURATE-LOOKING JIM CARREY goes slowly insane on a planet populated entirely by MUSHROOMS.

JIM CARREY

(sculpting an interdimensional beacon out of mushroom spores and poop)

You think you’ve beaten me, you rat-faced cereal mascot!? I’m talking about YOU, James Marsden! This isn’t even the fifth weirdest thing I’ve done involving shrooms!!!

INT. POST-CREDITS SCENE

On the edge of town, a new PORTAL opens up. A small, FURRY CGI CREATURE hops out.

CGI SONIC FROM THE ORIGINAL TRAILER

(eyes glowing red)

Must. Kill. Impostor.

FLOWERS WILT and BIRD DROP DEAD as the horrible visage speeds towards town.

END