FADE IN:

INT. DEPRESSINGLY ORDINARY HOUSE

MICHAEL SHANNON and JESSICA CHASTAIN are having breakfast.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Look at you, starring in your very own movie. So how's it going?

MICHAEL SHANNON

(somberly)

I've had a couple bad dreams. So I think I'm turning into a paranoid schizophrenic like my Mom.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Everyone has bad dreams, though...

MICHAEL SHANNON

But I wet myself while dreaming about giant stormclouds that rained yellow fluid everywhere! And it's not lack of sleep, I went straight to bed after winning that beer-keg-chugging contest.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

(thinks)

I guess paranoid schizophrenia is the only possible explanation. Now what?

MICHAEL SHANNON

Well, I'm aware of the problem and am actively seeking professional help.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

That's good! Hey, maybe this will be the first indie movie ever where the plot doesn't depend on people making life-fuckingly bad choices at every opportunity.

MICHAEL SHANNON

Maybe it will.

(pause)

Oh, also I'm building a giant underground bunker with a huge loan the bank warned me not to take, and using equipment I misappropriated from work, thus risking unemployment and financial ruin which would make us unable to afford that medical procedure our daughter needs OH GOSH I WONDER IF THAT WILL HAPPEN.

(pause)

So don't worry, I TOTALLY got this.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Okay, I'll do nothing whatsoever to help you. Like, for the whole movie.

ALL OF MICHAEL'S FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND COWORKERS AND NEIGHBOURS

Same here!

EXT. WORK SITE

MICHAEL SHANNON

(musing)

In my dreams, the golden showers make everyone homicidally insane, and I wish I knew why. I wish I knew what it meant. But I REALLY wish I hadn't Google-imaged "golden showers". I need some personal space to figure this out.

MICHAEL arranges for him and his BEST FRIEND to work at different sites, instead of the same site. In response, MICHAEL'S BEST FRIEND demonstrates the depth of his loyalty by getting MICHAEL FIRED and PHYSICALLY ATTACKING HIM AT A CHURCH FUNCTION and somehow this publicly shames MICHAEL, which I guess is his own fault for living in ASSHOLEVILLE.

EXT. MICHAEL AND JESSICA'S PLACE

There is a STORM! They TAKE SHELTER!

MICHAEL SHANNON

Now I'm too scared to leave the shelter.

JESSICA CHASTAIN

But we must. Come on, all you need to cure your paranoid schizophrenia is an ultimatum from your wife and some first-class emoting on your part.

MICHAEL SHANNON

(cures his own paranoid schizophrenia)

Hey, you're right! Let's take a vacation.

EXT. MYRTLE BEACH

DEAF KID

Look Dad, giant tornadoes made of pee!

JESSICA CHASTAIN

Wow, I guess you never had paranoid schizophrenia after all! Instead you had mystical prophetic visions of some impossible calamitous event! All along what we thought was trying to be a sensitive study of the misery and isolation of mental illness was actually a half-assed Twilight Zone episode!

MICHAEL SHANNON

Well at least this cheesy ending undoes the offensive one, kind of. So, yay?

JESSICA CHASTAIN

(sighs)

I guess major world events can't bail out ALL my movies.

The WHOLE EARTH gets drenched in CRAZY-MAKING URINE.

END