FADE IN:

INT. AIRPORT

TIM ALLEN and JAMIE LEE CURTIS drop off their daughter, JULIE GONZALO, who is going to do some CHARITY.

TIM ALLEN

Well, there goes the only character in the movie who actually lives up to the spirit of Christmas. Now that she's out of the house, what's say you and I stop dropping four-figure sums on decorations and take a cruise?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

You mean, so you can have sex with me for the first time in 23 years?

TIM ALLEN

I mean, so I can ogle some hot 20-somethings in bikinis and THEN have sex with you for the first time in 23 years.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Good enough. But just so everyone knows we're not completely selfish bastards, we're donating $600 to the church and the hospital.

TIM ALLEN

Why would people think we're completely selfish bastards just because we're going on vacation?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Maybe because of that letter you're writing to all your co-workers, telling them not to expect shit from us this year?

TIM ALLEN

Okay, maybe that's something no real human being would ever do, but I'm sure they won't actually care. In fact, I'm sure nobody will actually care.

HIS CO-WORKERS

You're not buying us thoughtless, impersonal gifts?

THEIR STATIONER

You're not paying me to put together a giant stack of custom cards and invitations?!

THEIR FRIENDS

You're not hosting a Christmas party for our amusement?!?!

M. EMMET WALSH

You're not putting a giant snowman on your roof so our block can win some meaningless award?!?!?!

DAN AYKROYD'S BALD SPOT

You're not following my orders as self-appointed street boss to change your minds?!?!?!?!

ALL OF THE ABOVE

YOU COMPLETELY SELFISH BASTARDS!!!

EXT. QUIRKY WHITE SUBURB

DAN AYKROYD'S BALD SPOT and its son, ERIK PER SULLIVAN, lead a group of NEIGHBORS to TIM and JAMIE's front lawn.

DAN AYKROYD'S BALD SPOT

Tim, Jamie, you'd better put that snowman on your roof or we'll stand on your own property and yell at you about it some more!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Don't you people have jobs and school?

(high-pitched panicky babble)

ERIK PER SULLIVAN

We'll skip what we have to. BUT YOU WON'T.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

You know, we could have you all arrested for trespassing. And since you're crossing the line of simple trespass into harassment and we're terrified, the Illinois interpretation of Castle Doctrine allows us to blow your heads off. This is suburban Chicago; there's no way I don't keep a loaded 9mm in my sewing box.

(high-pitched panicky babble)

TIM ALLEN

Stay the course, Jamie. It is our right not to make ourselves look ridiculous by way of a tacky, lumpy eyesore. Now let's go put on some skimpy bathing suits.

SOME NEWSPAPER REPORTER punishes the ENTIRE COMMUNITY and his LAYOUT EDITOR by using a PHOTO of this in an article about TIM and JAMIE.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Well, this is a violation of both journalistic ethics and defamation law on multiple levels.

(high-pitched panicky babble)

TIM goes to confront M., who lives across the street with his wife, ELIZABETH FRANZ.

TIM ALLEN

M., I know you hate my guts for... reasons, but why are you so fixated on making us put up our snowman?

M. EMMET WALSH

Why are YOU so fixated on NOT putting up your snowman, jackass?

ELIZABETH FRANZ

I got the results of the test back. I definitely have unspecified cancer.

TIM ALLEN

...Wait, what?

ELIZABETH FRANZ

Yeah, WHAT?

INT. TIM AND JAMIE'S HOUSE

M. sends a group of CAROLERS over.

CAROLERS

(sing "Jingle Bells")

TIM ALLEN

Oh it is ON.

(plays "MMMBop" on stereo)

CAROLERS

(sing "Wonderful Christmastime")

TIM ALLEN

(plays "Surfin' Bird")

CAROLERS

(sing "The Christmas Shoes")

TIM ALLEN

(plays "Photograph")

CAROLERS

(sing "Dominick the Donkey")

TIM ALLEN

(plays "Friday")

CAROLERS

(sing Train's mashup of "Joy to the World" and "Calling All Angels", known in the music industry as "the nuclear option")

HUMANITY

(wiped out in radioactive cloud of annoyance)

INT. (SIGH) IF ONLY

TIM packs his HAWAIIAN SHIRTS, BERMUDA SHORTS, and SANDAL SOCKS.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Tim, I'm not so sure about going on this cruise anymore. We haven't had any actual financial difficulties resulting from our Christmas spending. If you hadn't pointed out the total this year, I would be just as Christmas-obsessive as everyone we know, and I kind of miss that.

TIM ALLEN

Use your eyes, Jamie! Use your ears! We're surrounded by Christmas at home, at work, and at every business we patronize! We'll probably be surrounded by Christmas on the ship! The soundtrack to this movie is nothing but the same standards we hear at every supermarket in the nation, only performed in vapid bubblegum pop voices! God, I WISH we could skip Christmas! In the meantime, I'm going to get Botox.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

...Wait, what?

TIM ALLEN

Yeah, WHAT?

They get a call from JULIE.

JULIE GONZALO

Hey, Mom and Dad? If you were thinking about doing anything stupid like taking a cruise, don't. I'm springing a visit home and a fiancé on you...

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

(high-pitched excited babble)

JULIE GONZALO

...and I expect a Christmas party for his amusement.

TIM ALLEN

(low-pitched inarticulate grunting)

In order to pull off a PARTY on their own by that evening, TIM and JAMIE risk ARREST, SEVERE INJURY, STRUCTURAL DAMAGE, and EVEN MORE PUBLIC HUMILIATION before admitting DEFEAT.

TIM ALLEN

Listen, everyone. You've turned us into the town laughingstocks. You've treated us like prisoners in our own home. You make permanently relocating to Fallujah seem more appealing by the minute. But in the meantime, Julie expects the same party we've hosted for the past 23 years, and we don't have the heart to tell her grown-ass self that we were taking advantage of her absence to catch a break. HELP.

DAN AYKROYD'S BALD SPOT

Of course we'll upend all of the much more careful planning we put into our own Christmas Eves to make your daughter happy.

(actual line)

We're a community, and the people in a community stick together.

TIM ALLEN

Yeah. Like crabs to a Division I athlete.

CONTRIVANCES

(ensue over the course of the longest 15 minutes of your life)

JULIE and her FIANCÉ arrive.

JULIE GONZALO

Wow, Mom! Thanks for going to all this trouble to impress this guy who, for all you know, could be a con artist who plans to steal all the money we get for the wedding and run off to Bermuda!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Oh, we'd do anything for our little girl, wouldn't we, Tim? We wouldn't do anything SELFISH, like resisting social pressure to go through the motions of Christmas with anything less than manic glee, RIGHT?

TIM ALLEN

(drinks ALL the eggnog)

No, honey. Apparently we wouldn't.

He takes the CRUISE TICKETS to M. and ELIZABETH.

TIM ALLEN

Here's something for you to enjoy before Elizabeth's death: miles of distance from her doctors and the stress of air and sea travel.

M. EMMET WALSH

Why, how thoughtful...

(looks at tickets)

Wait, a Carnival cruise? JACKASS.

TIM ALLEN

(yells across the street)

JUST LEARNED THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS! EVERYBODY HAPPY?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

(yells back)

YES, WE'RE ALL HAPPY, INCLUDING ACTUAL LITERAL SANTA WHO SHOWED UP TO THIS PARTY!

TIM ALLEN

GOOD!... WAIT, WHAT?!

END