"That's for giving me socks last year, you miserable old bastard."

MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET (1947)

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK

A harried MAUREEN O’HARA is trying to organize the MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE.

MAUREEN O’HARA

All right, is everything in place? Is our Santa Claus ready to go? Do we have the huge band prepared to play “Jingle Bells”? Wow, it’s Thanksgiving and we’re already making everything about Christmas, I can only imagine how early in the year we’ll be shilling this holiday seventy years from now...

She is approached by EDMUND GWENN.

EDMUND GWENN

Excuse me miss, I just thought you might like to know that your Santa Claus is just a little TOO jolly, if you know what I mean...

PARADE SANTA

CHRISSY HAPMAS AND A MERRY HIC HA HA HA

(falls down)

MAUREEN O’HARA

Damnit! Say, you’re old and fat and hairy, do you think you could be our Santa Claus?

EDMUND GWENN

(eyes twinkle)

Why yes, I COULD be Santa Claus.

(winks)

...Or I could just be a crazy person. That’s an equally valid interpretation.

MAUREEN O’HARA

Great! You’re hired! Now, as organizers of big elaborate events always do, I'm going home before this thing even starts.

(leaves)


Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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