The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. DARK SPACESHIP, THE FUTURE
BEN FOSTER wakes up SCREAMING HIS FUCKING BRAINS OUT BECAUSE HE ALWAYS DOES THAT YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO. He falls out of a HIBERNATION POD, covered in SCROTUM SKIN.
BEN FOSTER
WHERE THE FUCK AM I WHO THE FUCK AM I WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
He grabs a ROD and frantically BEATS the EXTERIOR DOOR but it WON’T OPEN.
BEN FOSTER
(breathes)
I’m not playing a speed-freak for once so I should calm down...
He finds a NOTICE in his LOCKER.
BEN FOSTER
“You may experience memory loss due to prolonged hypersleep and the scrotification process.”
A POWER SURGE causes DENNIS QUAID to fall out of a POD.
DENNIS QUAID
... Dafuq?
BEN FOSTER
My forearm tattoo says we’re Flight Team 5 on the spaceship Elysium. Our pods say I’m Corporal Foster and you’re my lieutenant.
DENNIS QUAID
I can’t remember where we’re going or why the word “Elysium” makes me want to punch Matt Damon...
BEN FOSTER
I only remember my comprehensive nuclear engineer training. The power surges mean the reactor’s busted.
DENNIS QUAID
We must have “Memento” amnesia so we can remember things that make no sense.
BEN FOSTER
Right? How did he even know he HAD a memory condition?
(beat)
I’m having flashbacks about my wife.
(flashes back)
I think she was a mute albino...?
DENNIS QUAID
Go reset the reactor so we can take control of the ship. I’ll stay here and do nothing; I’m surprisingly fragile.
(nose bleeds)
See?
INT. DARK AIR VENT
BEN FALLS out of the CEILING into a BOOT LOCKER.
BEN FOSTER
(over radio)
Ugh... I’m fine.
(opens door)
My neck broke my fa- AAH!
BEN steps out and FALLS another TEN FEET.
BEN FOSTER
Off to a bad start...
He opens a SECURITY LOCKER by scanning his TATTOO.
BEN FOSTER
“Non-Lethal Anti-Riot Gun.” It slips over my forearm so I can’t drop it!
(drops it)
Whoops!
DENNIS QUAID
(on radio)
Make sure you get size small. You’ve got those dainty wrists-
BEN FOSTER
(makes static sounds)
Kssh... You’re breaking up... Kssh...
(grabs medium)
BEN spots ANTJE TRAUE.
ANTJE TRAUE
(runs)
BEN FOSTER
She was probably frightened by my manliness-
ANTJE SWINGS DOWN from the CEILING and lays a SMACKDOWN on BEN.
ANTJE TRAUE
(brandishes knife)
Gimme your boots, fish!
BEN FOSTER
I just came from a boot lock- AAH!
(elbowed in face)
ANTJE hears a NOISE and DISAPPEARS BATMAN STYLE. BEN sees PEOPLE APPROACHING.
BEN FOSTER
Maybe it’s a rescue team!
(hears blood-curdling scream)
Uh... Looks like they brought torches... and spears... and avocado-shaped heads... and mouths full of... blood-
(runs)
INT. DARK CORRIDOR
BEN radios DENNIS while the VIEWERS adjusts their TV’s BRIGHTNESS SETTING.
BEN FOSTER
(whispering)
We’re fucked. This ship is crawling with crazy German chicks and aliens!
DENNIS QUAID
(normal voice)
Ridiculous! I can accept that our spaceship has perfect artificial gravity and we shave with lasers, but I draw the line at aliens!
BEN FOSTER
(whispering)
Be quiet! I’m trying to avoid detection, not show you my Matthew McConaughey impression!
DENNIS QUAID
(just as loudly)
Maybe you have Pandorum. Are your hands shaking? Palms sweaty? Knees weak? Arms spaghetti?
BEN FOSTER
(hands shake)
Pandorum? The CGI planet from that 2009 movie that drove nerds crazy or the paranoid delusion disorder from that other 2009 movie that drives space pilots crazy?
DENNIS QUAID
The second one. Several years ago, a pilot caught Pandorum so he killed his crewmates and evacuated the ship. He just pushed a button and sent thousands to die in space.
BEN FOSTER
Naturally, our ship has the same feature.
DENNIS QUAID
(shouts)
I remember our mission! We’re going to settle an Earth-like planet called Tanis!
DENNIS' STUPID VOICE attracts more AVOCADO-HEADS. BEN RUNS and loses RADIO CONTACT.
BEN FOSTER
And now to jump across this gap-
(falls through)
I’m ok! And now to run through this door-
BEN runs off a CLIFF but his FOOT catches a WIRE and he swings through ANOTHER DOOR.
BEN FOSTER
(drops gun)
Did Buster Keaton design this place?!
The A-HEADS grab the WIRE and PULL. CUNG LE swings down and CUTS it with a SPEAR.
CUNG LE
(speaking Vietnamese)
You have what my people call “ladyboy wrists.”
(hands gun back)
BEN FOSTER
(whispers)
I don’t understand.
CUNG LE
(in Vietnamese)
I don’t either, dummy.
BEN attempts to bridge the LANGUAGE BARRIER by MUMBLING and using ZERO BODY LANGUAGE.
BEN FOSTER
I'm going to fix the reactor. You stay here; I can’t imagine how a jacked martial artist could possibly help me...
(walks away)
ANTJE SWINGS DOWN and ATTACKS BEN again.
BEN FOSTER
(fights back)
Where do you fuckers keep swinging from?! I feel like a Spiderman villain!
BEN gets KICKED through a DOOR and FALLS 20 FEET.
BEN FOSTER
This is getting old...
CUNG SWINGS in and starts FIGHTING ANTJE.
CUNG LE
(in Vietnamese)
Just your friendly neighborhood Asian man!
BEN fires his GUN at the CEILING.
BEN FOSTER
(delivers speech that inspires them to work together)
CUNG LE
(momentarily understands English, apparently)
ANTJE TRAU
I’ve been awake for months and know how to find the reactor. I’m a zoologist who’s skilled in combat, gymnastics, survival, and having a hot bod because I attended the NCIS School for Female Protagonists.
BEN FOSTER
Lead the way, Ant- ... Antjuh- ... However-the-fuck-you-say-your-name!
INT. FLIGHT TEAM ROOM
DENNIS is SLEEPING. A NOISE wakes him up.
DENNIS QUAID
Who’s there, you nap-ruining fuck?!
(nose drips blood)
CAM GIGANDET reaches out through TUBES in the WALL. He is NAKED and covered in BLOOD.
CAM GIGANDET
(sobbing hysterically)
Help! I’m covered in oily tentacles!
DENNIS QUAID
(grabs hand)
What happened to you?!
CAM GIGANDET
I’m not a Japanese school girl!
(passes out)
INT. DARK CORRIDOR THAT’S VISUALLY SIMILAR TO THE PREVIOUS ONE
BEN, ANTJE, and CUNG encounter an A-HEAD CHILD.
ANTJE TRAU
They’re breeding! The A-Heads must be mutated humans that have adapted to the ship! There’s stuff in our blood that’s designed to help us adapt to Tanis.
BEN FOSTER
Do you know what this means?! That anyone who says we ripped off “Alien” has their head planted firmly up their ass!
CUNG LE
(in Vietnamese)
Suck it, critics! If anything, we ripped off “The Descent”...
(runs after CHILD)
It SHRIEKS and alerts ADULT A-HEADS. They RUN AWAY through a door and BARRICADE it. EDDIE ROUSE appears on a walkway above them.
EDDIE ROUSE
I’ve been awake for years and I’m even crazier than Antj- Auntj- you know who I mean!
BEN FOSTER
What happened here? And what’s with your gross sausage fingers?
EDDIE ROUSE
I’ll tell you in the form of a poem!
(clears throat)
Three little monkeys jumpin’ on the bed,
Found out that the Earth was dead,
One little monkey got Pandorum and killed the other monkeys and declared himself king and woke up more monkeys and forced them to cannibalize each other,
Then the little monkey went back to bed!
CUNG LE
(in Vietnamish)
That stunk so hard I can smell it. Smells like gas...
BEN, ANTJE, and CUNG pass out.
INT. FLIGHT TEAM ROOM
CAM calms down and gets dressed.
CAM GIGANDET
I‘m from Flight Team 4. My crewmates caught Pandorum and I had to defend myself!
(nose bleeds)
DENNIS QUAID
They both got it? Impossible!
CAM GIGANDET
Don't look at me like I'm crazy- I'LL FUCKIN' CARVE YOU UP- IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE SKIN- STUTTERING STANLEY, STUTTERING STANLEY!!!
(covered in nose blood)
You believe me, right?
DENNIS QUAID
Of course! On an unrelated note, how about a sedative?
(grabs syringe)
CAM GIGANDET
I said I'm not crazy!
(slaps own face)
(whoops like a stooge)
Rotten Tomatoes has a perfect rating system! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
(attacks)
DENNIS QUAID
(fights back)
I’LL FUCKIN' CARVE YOU UP!!!
(nose bleeds)
They MELT into the SAME PERSON.
DENNIS QUAID
(ears bleed)
Cam is the young me, in case that wasn’t obvious!
INT. SOME OTHER DARK CORRIDOR I DUNNO IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME
BEN, ANTJE, CUNG, and EDDIE sneak toward the REACTOR.
EDDIE ROUSE
Can you believe I almost ate you guys?
(chuckles)
I’m terrible with first impressions!
ANTJE TRAU
Hurry up! We’ve only got-
(checks script)
Five minutes until the reactor shuts down!
BEN FOSTER
What’s the point? I just remembered that my wife left me and then died when the Earth disappeared.
(flashes back)
She hated that my apartment looked like an Apple Store...
ANTJE TRAU
We have to continue! We’re obviously setting up a sequel and we can’t take that away from the fans!
CUNG LE
(in Vietnam-speak)
Wouldn’t that be a shame.
(glares at camera)
ANTJE TRAU
And your lieutenant needs us! That little bitch bleeds if you look at him funny.
BEN FOSTER
(flashes back)
... He’s not my lieutenant.
(beat)
MAN, my flashbacks are bright! That must be jarring as hell!
They RUN to the REACTOR and find HUNDREDS of A-HEADS sleeping around it.
BEN FOSTER
To reach the reactor, I just have to walk over this narrow, rickety walkway that has no railings.
(exasperated sigh)
Seriously?!
ANTJE TRAU
Try not to fall, for once.
BEN FOSTER
(falls)
ANTJE TRAU
Damn it, Ben!
(runs across)
NONE of the A-HEADS wake up, so BEN crawls over them to the LADDER.
EDDIE ROUSE
(leans over railing)
We make a great team!
(drops flashlight)
The A-HEADS wake up and RAMPAGE. EDDIE RUNS.
CUNG LE
(in the language they speak in Vietnam)
Do I have to do everything myself?!
(throws spear)
They CHASE CUNG and BEN resets the REACTOR.
INT. ORNATE, ORIGINAL, WELL-LIT SET- JUST KIDDING, IT’S ANOTHER DARK CORRIDOR
CUNG escapes by HIDING IN THE CEILING.
CUNG LE
(not in English)
Glad I remembered that scene from “Matilda”!
The A-HEAD LEADER appears and ATTACKS but CUNG BEATS HIM TO DEATH LIKE A FUCKIN’ BOSS.
CUNG LE
(in foreign language, probably Vietnamese)
I’m unstoppable! Even though I’m a minority in a horror film-
(drops dead)
INT. FLIGHT TEAM ROOM
The POWER comes on and the BRIDGE DOOR opens. EDDIE arrives to find DENNIS leaning against a wall with the SYRINGE in his ARM.
EDDIE ROUSE
You’re sedated? I guess you’re not dangerous-
DENNIS STABS him in the EYE with the SYRINGE.
EDDIE ROUSE
Ow! Luckily, this injury isn’t fatal...
(remembers he’s black)
(dies)
INT. BRIDGE
BEN and ANTJE run in and SHUT THE DOOR.
ANTJE TRAU
One of them is getting through!
BEN grabs his NON-LETHAL GUN and NON-LETHALLY BLOWS ITS HEAD OFF.
BEN FOSTER
(horrified)
I gave one of these to my nephew!
(beat)
Computer, how long have we been on this ship?
COMPUTER
923 Years.
They look out the WINDOW and see ALIEN FISH, which look like REGULAR FISH with MINOR ADJUSTMENTS.
BEN FOSTER
(hands shake)
This ship is sophisticated enough to land itself and it chose to set down on the bottom of the ocean?
(nose bleeds)
What is it with this death trap?!
They find DENNIS.
BEN FOSTER
(aims gun)
You’re not my lieutenant so you must be the guy that freaked out and killed everyone!
DENNIS QUAID
How the hell did you know that?
BEN FOSTER
Good question... Eddie couldn’t have known about that unless he’s 900 years old...
(starts hallucinating)
DENNIS QUAID
Don’t you see? These questions could have been answered in the sequel but now that’s never gonna happen! They fucked us! But there’s no law anymore! We’re free to shoot our own sequel right now!
(grabs ANTJE)
Let’s start by killing the female protagonist!
ANTJE TRAU
(choking)
Real... original... Hitchcock...
(still choking)
What... was in... that syringe?!
BEN IMAGINES that an A-HEAD is in the VENT and SHOOTS. This CRACKS the WINDOW and WATER pours in.
DENNIS QUAID
(dies)
(...or does he?)
(who cares, there’s no sequel)
BEN FOSTER
(instantly cured)
BEN and ANTJE enter a POD and EJECT.
BEN FOSTER
These pods are impregnable so it won’t fill with water-blub-blub-blub-
(pod fills with water)
They reach the SURFACE and the DOOR POPS OFF.
ANTJE TRAU
(gasps for breath)
How did the pod know to do that?!
(starts hallucinating)
BEN FOSTER
Snap out of it! Science fiction movies don’t always add up but sometimes you have to shut up and enjoy the ride!
HUNDREDS of other PODS surface and their DOORS POP OFF. They look around at their NEW PLANET.
BEN FOSTER
Hallelujah! We're within swimming distance of the shore!
ANTJE TRAU
Hallelujah! Although 40% of the characters were minorities, only a blonde man and German woman survived! Sieg heil zee German director!
BEN FOSTER
(looks wide-eyed at camera)
END
