"It's weird, the first time I used Mjolnir it turned my eyebrows blonde. Did that happen to you too?"

THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. THE VAST PARCHED DESOLATE WASTELAND THAT USED TO BE REAL CINEMA

CHRISTIAN BALE wanders the barren dirtscape with his nearly dead daughter oops.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Maybe joining the Our Lady of Complete Lack of Resources Church was a bad idea? No, musn’t think such things, surely our reward is at hand!

BALE finds a lush green oasis containing the source of his religion, the GHOST OF GIANT CHUCKLING ASSHOLES PRESENT.

GHOST OF GIANT CHUCKLING ASSHOLES PRESENT

Hey look it’s the last of my current sect! What a loser! Eat shit you rube! I’ll insult you some more after I finish dealing with this God-killing sword situation, did I mention there’s a God-killing sword just over there? Haha but why would you care about its ability to magically bond with someone, granting vast powers of vengeance, you stupid dumb shitstaining

(dead)

CHRISTIAN BALE

Now I am simple Gorr... NO MORE! The lore of Gorr’s gore is in store! Prepare your sore core for THOR FOUR: MORE GORR GORE LORE!!

(roars)

EXT. RANDOM ALIEN PLANET

CHRIS HEMSWORTH, CGI ROCK MONSTER TAIKA WAITITI, and the GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY are fighting angry bird aliens!

TAIKA ROCKQUARRY

Before we get to the battle, I'll quickly summarize what we've been up to since Endgame, using just enough footage to build multiple teaser trailers around? Now off we go?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

These evildoers are helpless before my Godlike power to recreate 1980s rock album covers!

(curbstomps bird aliens)

Hope I remembered to also wreak terrible damage to the civilization we’re protecting, but zanily, so we can move on and forget all about it.

NICE ALIEN

You did! In gratitude, please accept these shrieking mule-type beasts, some microwaved tuna, and this metric ton of my own vomit.

CHRIS PRATT

Oh yay. Look, Chris, me and the Guardians were talking it over, and everyone agrees our childish petty banter was the worst part of both Infinity War and Endgame. I think we should split up.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(eyes welling)

SPLIT UP?! THAT’S FINE WHY WOULD I GET UPSET ABOUT SPLITTING UP

(summons magical crate of Asgardian Oreos)

MECHAREN GILLAN

Besides, we all know we can’t advance our stories until we’re back in our own movie anyway. So yeah, it’s been real.

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

And conveniently, there’s a bazillion distress calls from across the Galaxy coming in all at once! One is from your friend Jaimie Alexander so why don’t you go help her, and we’ll help absolutely everyone else in the entire cosmos, that seems fair.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

All right, but Taika comes with me so he can provide comic relief when I’m not busy being comic relief.

HEMSWORTH and TAIKA zoom off to another planet and find horribly wounded JAIMIE ALEXANDER who has lost AN ARM!

JAIIE LEXDE

Oh thank Khonshu just kidding, there’ll be no Moon Knight references. It’s Bale, he’s rampaging around the universe slaying Gods left and right in a montage that would probably look really cool if we bothered showing it.

They all beam back to NEW ASGARD.

EXT. NEW ASGARD

We see that since ENDGAME, the sleepy town of NEW ASGARD has become a complete TOURIST TRAP that puts NIAGARA FALLS to shame, crassly cashing in on the popularity of the franchise DISNEY WISH THE NEWEST DISNEY CRUISE BUY TICKETS NOW in a way only fictional people do.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Wow, I bet the people whose lives were torn apart by the Blip are LOVING the "Infinity Conez" store.

MATT DAMON

And look all the horrible Asgardian actors are back! Somehow we’ve survived every regularly-scheduled decimation of the Asgardian people.

LUKE HEMSWORTH

Yes, let’s do our Ragnarok shtick again, but this time doing Ragnarok, and also it will feel ten times longer than the original gag.

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Plus now I’m in it too! Tune in next movie for Adam Sandler as Gorr!

MELISSA’S HUSBAND WHO IS REQUIRED BY LAW TO BE IN EVERY LAST SINGLE FUCKING THING MELISSA IS IN, SERIOUSLY THIS GUY OWES 95% OF HIS IMDB CREDITS TO HER

(waves)

CHRIS finds KING TESSA THOMPSON busy chairing meetings and doing cheesy Old Spice commercials, the way leaders of nations do.

TESSA THOMPSON

Welcome back! I have a HUUUUUGE bit of news for you but I'd rather you find out in the heat of battle or something. G'night!

That night, BALE ATTACKS! He uses the evil sword to summon SHADOW MONSTERS that blend in with the DARK SHADOWY TOWN and make use of the PROBABLY UNDERLIT PROJECTOR in your theatre! BATTLE is joined by CHRIS and TESSA and...

NATALIE THORTMAN

Surprise!! It’s me, kicking ass and being a Mighty Thor in my own right! I was dying from a case of terminally dull scenes until Mjolnir saved me. How are you?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Oh I'm great, aside from having to wear the most ludicrous costume in the entire Thor franchise so far. I know it's from the comics and we're going for an 80s vibe but I really think we could have skipped this one.

During the battle BALE manages to STEAL ALL THE CHILDREN, OHNOOO!

TESSA THOMPSON

Well this fucking sucks. Lucky for us we’re on good terms with Earth’s Mightiest Heroes! Quick, let’s call up Captain Marvel, Hulk, Captain America, Black Panther, Ant-Man and the Wasp, Doctor Strange, Iron Goop...

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

They won’t do, we need an army!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Like the Wakandan army? We could ask-

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

No, we need a brand new assortment of vastly powerful immortal beings that we’ve never mentioned before, for some reason!

THE ETERNALS

(step forward)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

NO NOT YOU GUYS. Look I know a fun brand-new place we can go, but we can’t just teleport with my axe Stormbreaker because it’s, um, sulking. We need to build a new ship which will be powered by Stormbreaker even though it’s sulking. Plus we can use the shrieking mules some more, everyone will love that! Hopefully they won't run the ship into the ground like almost all our jokes.

They pile into the SHIP and head to GODSBURG.

EXT. GODSBURG

Our heroes CRASHLAND their RAINBOW BRIDGE VIKING SHIP LED BY SHRIEKING MULES and then decide they should be SNEAKY.

TESSA THOMPSON

The Court of the Gods is among the most secure places in the universe, full of vastly powerful beings. We have to use supreme cunning like throwing flimsy robes on ourselves, here you go!

They SAUNTER IN just in time to see the entrance of RUSSELL CROWE, playing beloved Marvel character INTERGALACTIC-GREEK-TAKEOUT MAN.

RUSSELL CROWE

Order, order! I call this Court to session. How are we doing on sacrifices? Crusades? Rewriting laws of countries into theocratic oppression? Also who’s taking Chick-Fil-A orders?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Not a promising start... ahem! God of Thunder here. Wondering if all you gods might want to help stop Christian, the God-Killer? Huh, kind of ironic casting there.

RUSSELL CROWE

Bah, fuck that! I’m sure he’s only into killing OTHER gods. Besides, the only way he’d kill us is by going to Eternity, the mystical being who will grant any wish to the first who reaches it!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

So how about you go there and wish for Bale to be killed instead?

RUSSELL CROWE

But to do that I’d need a way to teleport there instantly, and we don’t mention that my thunderbolt does that until Act Three.

NATALIE PORTMAN

(stepping forward)

Wait wait wait, there's a being that can grant ANY wish, and nobody's ever tried finding it before?

TESSA THOMPSON

Oh we know where it is. Centre of the universe. But there's like, a lock and shit.

NATALIE PORTMAN

And for unknown eons, in a reality full of gods and teleporters and lasers and magic NOBODY HAS EVER TRIED FORCING, PICKING, OR BYPASSING THIS LOCK?!?

RUSSELL CROWE

Well the reasons for that are no, shut up, and fuck you! For your insolence, I sentence Chris to participate in a cheesy nudity gag.

RUSSELL magically makes CHRIS NAKED and a bunch of extras FAINT because people surrounded by old-school gods 24/7 have never seen a sexual organ before.

TESSA THOMPSON

Hell with this. Let’s fight! But, ah, only Russell and his guards. Everyone else please hang back, thanks.

CHRIS summons his outfit back and they FIGHT! RUSSELL throws his thunderbolt THROUGH TAIKA and he crumbles into tiny rocks!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

NOOOOOOO ah who are we kidding, he's obviously fine, just a talking head now. Gotta keep those 1980s rock references coming!

CHRIS spears CROWE with the THUNDERBOLT and our heroes ESCAPE!

EXT. TRAVELLING THE COSMOS ABOARD SHIP

CHRIS and NATALIE get some time together while TESSA is busy DRINKING because ALCOHOL DEPENDENCE is WACKY.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

One of the captured kids is Idris Elba's son, who inherited his all-seeing powers. He's told me exactly where they are!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Could have been neat if Bale had used the kid's all-seeing power to find Eternity, instead of everyone knowing exactly where it was all this time.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Hahaha yeah, would avoid a lot of awkward questions, ha ha.

(summons more Oreos)

Natalie, I've been meaning to have a big meaningful talk with you and didn't know how. But Chris Pratt taught me about using goofy metaphors and jokes so that we can get through it while still doing comic relief!

NATALIE PORTMAN

So we can be together again and still keep it zany? Awesome!

(smooches Chris)

(bumps head)

(falls into pool)

TAIKA ROCKQUARRY

Aw they're so cute, they remind me of my two Dads! I know I mentioned my Mom and step-Dad last movie, but some of us tertiary cast have backstory too, okay? It will all be explained in the Disney+ series.

They reach the sinister BLACK AND WHITE PLANET OF SHADOWS because maybe an extended sequence in BLACK AND WHITE will make MARTIN SCORSESE finally like these movies.

EXT. PLANET OF SHADOWS

Our heroes DISEMBARK and find BALE'S LAIR.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh gosh, look at these absurdly cartoonish drawings! Bale figured out that the Bifrost unlocks the key to Eternity, Stormbreaker was the secret to accessing the ultimate magic wish this whole time!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Well shit, that would have been good to know when we were searching for a way to bring half the Universe back to life. REALLY should have explored the whole Eternity angle.

NATALIE throws the axe into space but they are IMMEDIATELY, RIDICULOUSLY EASILY CAPTURED by BALE!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(ententacled)

Curse your shadow powers Bale! Damn, if only we'd brought any magical sources of light with us!

CHRISTIAN BALE

Summon the axe back Chris, or I kill Tessa and Natalie! Suppose I could kill them and then threaten the children, but y'know.

CHRIS summons the axe, FREEING them! BALE summons EVEN BIGGER SHADOW MONSTERS and there is MUCH FIGHTING, however NATALIE begins faltering and TESSA gets MCU-STABBED!

TESSA THOMPSON

Argh!! Too wounded to keep fighting, not wounded enough to be at risk of dying!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Last movie I saw firsthand the dangers of summoning the Bifrost mid-battle with the enemy right next to me, but fuck it! Go go gadget Bifrost!

CHRIS activates the BIFROST but BALE grabs STORMBREAKER just as they leave.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Mwah ha ha. Now I can teleport to Eternity and claim my prize, and murder all the Gods. Yep, here I go. Well, right after the next scene anyway.

(Wordles)

INT. NEW ASGARD HOSPITAL

NATALIE is back to being human and dying.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Every time you use Mjolnir it saps your human strength and brings you closer to death. I guess when I told Mjolnir to protect and look after you IT DID NOT QUITE UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEANT BY THAT

(glares)

MJOLNIR

(shrugs)

NATALIE PORTMAN

Look, I really don't mind getting killed off if it means I can stop doing the lame "catchphrase" joke.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

But someday that joke might land! Someday! I'm not ready to lose any chance of that happening. You rest while I finish the movie myself, that's something that could happen, yep.

CHRIS uses the thunderbolt to TELEPORT to the final scene because this is the sentence where it gained that power.

INT. THE GATE OF ETERNITY

Rather than kill the kids, BALE takes them all to ETERNITY, possibly to use as a distraction or threaten them if CHRIS shows up; but then leaves them all to be crushed by a giant falling rock. EXCEPT, CHRIS is there!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Fuck, Bale summoned more shadow monsters, and based on their current speed they'll reach us any week now. But don't worry kids, I can imbue ALL of you with the power of Thor for the length of this battle! I bet the Wakandan army wishes I did that!

The KIDS adorably fight the monsters while CHRIS takes on BALE! However BALE is about to win when-

NATALIE PORTMAN

Surprise! I'm also here, we gave Tessa's Pegasus cosmic teleportation too! Basically by next movie everyone's left shoe will have cosmic teleportation powers.

The TIDE TURNS and CHRIS & NATALIE destroy BALE'S SWORD!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

HAHAHAHA now you're defeated Bale! Without your powers you'll wither and die, fairly soon, I hope you don't use that time to reach Eternity first while we stand around gloating oh shit he did exactly that.

CHRIS, NATALIE, and BALE get teleported to one of those BEST BUY PARKING LOTS ZEN SCREENSAVER LANDSCAPES as we see the figure of ETERNITY. Also NATALIE has exhausted her Thor power and is all dying human again.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Bale, wait! You don't really want revenge. Choose love instead.

CHRISTIAN BALE

(fails saving throw)

You... are right. I shall take the higher path, and choose love. I shall use my wish to bring back the only person in all time and space I personally care about, my dead daughter! How noble and selfless!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

That's it? Not the Asgardians who your monsters killed earlier? Not the god I said was the nicest you'd ever meet? Not even Jaiie's arm? This is a one-time forever wish, you could-

CHRISTIAN BALE

Best. Dad. Ever.

(dies)

NATALIE PORTMAN

(dying)

Fuck. But maybe it's the first GROUP to reach Eternity, and we could get wishes too? I mean we never properly defined 'first', so I'd say-

ETERNITY

SORRY, THERE'S A HARD CAP OF ONE WISH TOTAL BY ANYONE EVER. I SAW WONDER WOMAN 1984, NO THANKS.

NATALIE PORTMAN

That's fair.

(coughs)

Quick, Chris, I thought of a way out of the horrible catchphrase gag...

(whispers in his ear)

(turns into sparkles!)

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(nods)

Ah, give the writers of the next movie a few years to come up with the punchline. Or never have one at all! I knew you'd solve it.

(tears up)

EXT. EPILOGUE

We see that once more yet again again, NEW ASGARD has been REBUILT.

TAIKA ROCKQUARRY (V/O)

And so, Natalie died a great hero, Asgard soldiers on, and Chris realized his true destiny was to be the guardian of Bale's daughter, since she was being played by Hemsworth's real-life kid. Also I met a nice Rock named Dwayne, get it?

TESSA THOMPSON

I'm training all the kids to be warriors, Chris turned down my original idea of just having him stay here and Thorify them whenever we're attacked.

JAIIE LEXDE

Does anyone have the number of Wakanda's robo-arm department?

END

INT. MID-CREDITS BONUS SCENE

Back at GODSBURG, RUSSELL CROWE is in fact NOT DEAD!

RUSSELL CROWE

Grrr, Hemsworth will pay for embarrassing me like this. But why take retribution myself when I can tease yet another third-string Avengers character--

BRETT GOLDSTEIN

HE'S HERE, HE'S THERE, HE'S EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE, GOD HERRRRC!!!! GOD HERRRRC!!!!

END

EXT. POST-CREDITS BONUS SCENE

NATALIE arrives in VALHALLA and is greeted by IDRIS ELBA!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Hey, didn't you die AFTER the battle with Thanos? I thought there was a rule you had to die IN battle.

IDRIS ELBA

Well didn't YOU die after the battle too?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Ah but technically I died in my battle with CANCER! BOO-YEAH!

IDRIS ELBA

And technically I died as part of the larger Infinity War, BAAAM!!

(high-fives Natalie)

Anyway welcome to Valhalla! I'm sure you're eager to see all the other deceased Thor characters we have here, like... ah...

(looks around)

(gestures at emptiness)

(pause)

...um.

END

EXT. RUSSIAN HEAVEN OF THE MOSCOW VODKA BEARS DEFEATING TEAM CANADA IN ICE HOCKEY 14-0 FOREVER

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Aw come on, AGAIN?!? What's a girl gotta do to be wished back to life anyway? Listen up Hemsworth, if you assholes find YET ANOTHER magical wish to bring back the dead then IF YOU WOULD NOT FUCKING MIND

END

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