Kevin McAllister's schtick had long since stopped being adorable.

SILENT NIGHT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. STREET

Two CARS full of GANGSTERS are speeding down a SUBURBAN STREET, pouring a constant stream of GUNFIRE into each other, whilst each GUNMAN carefully avoids hitting the other car’s ENGINE or TIRES or FUEL LINE or OCCUPANTS or anything that would stop these MOBILE BULLET DISPENSARIES from chugging along.

One of them CRASHES and the other car seems VICTORIOUS! But then JOEL KINNAMAN in a CHRISTMAS SWEATER attacks the car with a PIPE, which somehow, shockingly, does no real damage to a vehicle which just shrugged off FIVE MINUTES OF CONCENTRATED SPRAY FROM A SEMIAUTOMATIC WEAPON. The CAR starts chasing JOEL!

JOEL KINNAMAN

(flees speeding vehicle on foot)

(does superhuman backflip off of forklift)

(is not really selling the “average suburban schmoe” phase of his character arc)

GANGSTER DRIVER

(plows straight into forklift tine and gets decapitated, just as he presumably would have done even if he had still had Joel in the way, seriously what was the plan here dude)

Gang boss HAROLD TORRES gets out of the car and SHOOTS JOEL so that he’s down for the count! With JOEL completely at his mercy, HAROLD knows that he’s at his leisure to pop him right between the eyes. But he has a cool idea for an action thriller so instead he just shoots him through the THROAT and leaves.

INT. HOSPITAL

JOEL now has no LARYNX and can no longer SPEAK. His wife CATALINA SANDINO MORENO comes and comforts him.

CATALINA SANDINO MORENO

(vague comforting whispers which are kinda like words but also kinda not)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(wonders what’s the point of giving him a speech disability if none of the other characters are gonna talk either)

CATALINA drives JOEL home in eerie silence, because as everybody knows that when somebody loses the ability to TALK, what they then want is for you to NEVER TALK TO THEM EVER AGAIN.

CAR RADIO

Hey hey everybody, welcome to The Gimmick Shattering Hour, where our human voices on the radio will be heard for absolutely no reason other than to jar with the entire premise of the movie! HELLO HELLO HELLO, LA LA LA WOOORRRDS

INT. JOEL’S DEPRESSING PTSD HOUSE

JOEL arrives home to find that CATALINA has thoughtfully left THEIR DEAD SON’S CHRISTMAS PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE and a NEWSPAPER ARTICLE ABOUT THEIR SON GETTING HIT BY A STRAY BULLET AND KILLED lying around, just in case he wasn’t feeling sufficiently overwhelmed by grief. He freaks out and has a FLASHBACK!

The FLASHBACK reveals that what happened was their SON was hit by a STRAY BULLET from those GANGSTER CARS on CHRISTMAS and DIED! Which maybe hadn’t yet been pieced together by any AUDIENCE MEMBERS who are currently COMATOSE. JOEL and CATALINA SOB and CRADLE THEIR BOY and STROKE HIS HAIR and GRASP EACH OTHER’S HANDS and do seemingly anything at all other than CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE.

Back in the PRESENT, JOEL breaks down and lets out loud racking sobs such as you might expect to hear from a guy whose LARYNX HAS BEEN TORN OUT.

CATALINA SANDINO MORENO

(more vague nonverbal whispers)

it’s okay, it’s okay

(OH SHIT TWO SECONDS OF ACTUAL HUMAN DIALOGUE SLIPPED PAST THE RADAR, WELL THAT FUCKS THE WHOLE PROJECT RIGHT UP, PACK IT IN BOYS)

INT. POLICE STATION

JOEL goes to discuss the INVESTIGATION with police detective SCOTT MESCUDI. Wondering how the hell he’s going to DO THIS without allowing anybody to SAY ANYTHING, he soon notices a big CRIME BOARD with all the names and photos of HAROLD AND ALL HIS HENCHMEN. Relieved, he just takes photos of all that stuff and leaves.

INT. JOEL’S BRAND NEW CRAZY SURVIVALIST BASEMENT

JOEL prints out copies of all the BAD GUYS’ FACES to make his own CLUE WALL and then marks on a CALENDAR that he’s going to “KILL THEM ALL” at CHRISTMAS, which serves the purpose of marking the ANNIVERSARY of his son’s DEATH, as well as hopefully making this movie become a CHRISTMAS FAVORITE despite having nothing to do with CHRISTMAS (cue DIE HARD ARGUMENT).

He then starts incessantly WORKING OUT and BUYING GUNS and DOING TARGET PRACTICE and LEARNING STUNT DRIVING and WATCHING YOUTUBE MURDER TUTORIALS and STUDYING MARTIAL ARTS wait, he’s not doing that last one? He’s just beating up training dummies? Well I guess he’ll do fine as all the people he fights stand perfectly still and don’t have things like legs or skulls or whatnot.

CATALINA SANDINO MORENO

(watches her husband turn into a complete psycho and get eaten up by revenge)

(wishes she could plead with him to go into therapy or hold an intervention or something, but all of that would require forming sentences so she’s shit out of luck)

(gives him sad looks and moves out instead)

Finally JOEL is ready to ENACT REVENGE. He visits his SON’S GRAVE and decorates it with his CHRISTMAS PRESENT, which is an amazing sci-fi ELECTRIC TRAIN whose batteries NEVER RUN OUT, then goes to start PULVERIZING FOLKS.

INT. GANGSTER’S HOUSE

JOEL sneaks into the house of gangster VINNY O’BRIEN, the one member of HAROLD’S GANG who wears a SUIT and who therefore must be like their ACCOUNTANT or something. As the opening gambit of a fight to subdue him, JOEL pistol-whips VINNY.

VINNY O’BRIEN

(goes flying into the wall)

(bounces off and crashes through glass bannister)

(falls to the floor below, completely unconscious)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(shrugs and takes the w)

JOEL takes VINNY home and tries to get him to fill out a QUESTIONNAIRE about HAROLD’S CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION at GUNPOINT. Oh, did I say GUNPOINT? Scratch that, despite the plethora of guns he’s acquired, he’s holding VINNY at KNIFEPOINT. Wait, did I say KNIFEPOINT? Sorry, he just put the KNIFE down within VINNY’S REACH and is now holding him at NOTHINGPOINT.

VINNY O’BRIEN

(grabs the knife and attacks Joel, which nobody could ever have anticipated)

A BASEMENT BRAWL ensues, in which JOEL is just barely able to overcome ONE RANDOM ACCOUNTANT who has spent the past hour HOG-TIED, so maybe he should reconsider his plan to go after THE ENTIRE CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION. Finally he is able to force VINNY to fill in the FORM, and then he delivers VINNY and the FORM to SCOTT.

JOEL KINNAMAN

(basically tips the cops off that he’s about to go on a homicidal vigilante rampage)

SCOTT MESCUDI

(does fuck-all about it)

SCOTT glances over the EVIDENCE that JOEL just very self-satisfiedly delivered. He is glad that the COPS, who had all these guys’ NAMES AND LIKENESSES on record a full YEAR AGO, undoubtedly already have ALL THIS EVIDENCE AND MUCH MORE ALREADY, because honestly what did JOEL think he could legally do with a bunch of BLOOD-SMEARED SCRAWLINGS that were BRUTALLY BEATEN OUT OF SOMEBODY by a PSYCHOPATH.

EXT. STREET

JOEL goes out hunting for some of HAROLD’S GOONS. He finds a couple ASSAULTING and ROBBING a TERRIFIED YOUNG WOMAN, and naturally waits patiently by for them to CONCLUDE THAT BUSINESS before he DRIVE-BY-STABS one of them!

THE OTHER GOON

(jumps onto the roof of Joel’s speeding car and tries to shoot him from there)

(immediately realizes what a suboptimal strategy this is)

JOEL manages to grab the GOON’S GUN and KILL HIM WITH IT. He then takes a moment to PUKE and CRY because GRITTY ANTIHEROES are supposed to be emotionally affected by the first time they KILL SOMEBODY, and the guy he STABBED IN THE HEART ninety seconds ago was apparently just for practice. He then BRUSHES IT OFF and is fine to EVISCERATE WHOEVER HE WANTS for the the remainder of the movie, and in fact right away sets about DISMEMBERING THE GUYS HE JUST MURDERED.

INT. GANG COMPOUND

At HAROLD’S HEADQUARTERS, a PACKAGE containing the SEVERED FINGERS of those TWO GOONS is thrown over the fence.

HAROLD TORRES

(leaps instantly to the assumption that a rival gang has just declared war, even though this would be a really dumb opening gambit, like surely they would use the element of surprise to take out more than two random schmucks, you’d think they’d come in here guns blazing rather than deliberately antagonize you and then wait for you to come after them, surely the idea that some third party is trying to start shit should be the first thing you think of, but hey you seem pretty coked up so maybe we’ll just chalk it up to that)

Instead of taking even an HOUR to STRATEGIZE he just mobilizes ALL OF HIS DUDES to go kill ALL OF THE OTHER GANG’S DUDES and the streets erupt in a GANG WAR. JOEL sees the carnage but cannot revel in it because there are also some COPS getting caught up in it, whoops!

POLICE RADIO

Help! Mayday! Gang war! Remember, radio chatter is technically allowed. Anyway, us police are helpless and overwhelmed! If only we were as tough and effective against criminals as, say, some angry basement-dwelling white guy who’s bought some black-market guns and watched a lot of combat training videos on YouTube! Holy fuck, just what kind of right-wing power fantasy bullshit is this?

JOEL proceeds to TOKYO-DRIFT AROUND THE PLACE, shooting various GANGSTERS like he’s at a CARNIVAL SHOOTING GALLERY. Once they’re all DEAD, he finds the PHONE of a guy who happened to at that moment be VIDEO CHATTING with HAROLD in the middle of a SHOOTOUT, then shows HAROLD his FACE.

HAROLD TORRES

(instantly recognizes that dude he saw for twenty seconds a year ago)

(realizes that this is who sent the severed fingers and, oops, he probably shouldn’t have started that whole gang war)

(wonders if he can send the other gang a quick “sorry about murdering all your guys I mistook you for somebody else lol” apology fruit basket or something)

(the gang war is never mentioned again so I guess it worked?)

HAROLD then sends a message to his henchman YOKO HAMAMURA to find and kill JOEL.

EXT. STREET

JOEL is sitting listening to his son’s EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE MUSIC BOX, when YOKO shows up, having located him SOMEHOW. YOKO and his MEN open fire on JOEL, and he speeds off while RETURNING FIRE, and then they speed through the streets while SHOOTING AT EACH OTHER, because as JOEL is aware there’s no way that could lead to any kind of TRAGIC COLLATERAL DAMAGE.

MOTORCYCLIST

(enters field of gunspray)

(it’s okay, turns out he’s one of Harold’s guys so Joel is free to shoot at him)

PEDESTRIANS

(nearly get run over by Joel)

(it’s okay, turns out they’re drug dealers doing drug deals so Joel is free to shoot at them)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(breathes sigh of relief that he is clearly in one of those Crime Towns where only evil criminals live, everybody knows there are no innocent families who happen to live in poverty-stricken areas with high crime rates)

But when JOEL has finally dispatched all the BAD GUYS, he finds that there has in fact been a TRAGIC LOSS. That’s right, his SON’S MUSIC BOX was destroyed in the chaos, oh no! Although if it was that precious he maybe should have reconsidered putting it into his DEMOLITION DERBY CAR right when he was going to drive it into a GANG WAR.

INT. BAD GUY TOWER

Finally JOEL goes to HAROLD’S THE RAID: REDEMPTION-STYLE UGLY CONCRETE GANG TOWER. After HORRIBLY ROASTING TO DEATH a few guys on the ground floor, he then starts ascending the STAIRWELL.

TWO GOONS

(burst out of a doorway)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(shoots and/or stabs them)

TWO GOONS

(burst out of a doorway)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(shoots and/or stabs them)

TWO GOONS

(burst out of a doorway)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(shoots and/or stabs them)

Upstairs, the REMAINING GOONS briefly discuss the merits of possibly ALL OF THEM GOING OUT AND ATTACKING AT ONCE, or perhaps just WAITING HERE IN A BIG GROUP so that as soon as JOEL reaches the top floor they can ALL OPEN FIRE AT THE SAME TIME and reduce him to GIBLETS. Ultimately however they decide to just keep popping out of cover in easily-dispatched little units like TIME CRISIS VILLAINS.

TWO GOONS

(burst out of a doorway)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(shoots and/or stabs them)

TWO GOONS

(burst out of a doorway)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(shoots and/or stabs them)

Finally he gets to the TOP FLOOR. After protecting himself from the rear by planting a HOMEMADE HAIR-TRIGGER EXPLOSIVE DEVICE which he was apparently carrying around with him during all that HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASING and DESPERATE STAIRWELL BRAWLING, he moves into the next room, where he encounters a still-alive YOKO.

JOEL KINNAMAN

(tries to shoot Yoko)

YOKO HAMAMURA

(brandishes Mystical Shield of Being a Named Character)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(his bullets go wild, and he is suddenly out of ammo, spare guns, knives etc.)

(sighs and puts ’em up)

JOEL and YOKO embark upon a BRUTAL, DESPERATE FISTFIGHT TO THE DEATH, smashing each other into EVERY SURFACE and pummeling EVERY INCH OF EACH OTHER’S BODIES, and the fight is balanced on a knife’s edge and at any moment either one of them could put the other down for good - oh, did I mention that HAROLD is just in the NEXT ROOM OVER, having a pleasant DANCE with his GIRLFRIEND? And if he wanted he could just stroll in here and HELP YOKO INSTANTLY WIN? Just saying, YOKO, you might want to reconsider your loyalty to - oh JOEL just grabbed a gun and blew your brains out, never mind. Then in comes SCOTT with a GUN, but it’s OKAY, he’s here to HELP JOEL!

JOEL KINNAMAN

(gives Scott nod which communicates “Good to see you finally realized I was right and you should have just been murdering these guys with no due process all along”)

SCOTT MESCUDI

(gives Joel nod which communicates “Yes you’re absolutely correct, the main problem with cops is they’re total namby-pamby prisses who don’t go around shooting minorities enough”)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(gives uneasy nod which communicates “I mean maybe let’s not put it like that”)

They go to head into the MAIN ROOM to kill HAROLD, but then HAROLD’S GIRLFRIEND VALERIA SANTAELLA storms out and starts spraying them with MACHINE GUN FIRE. SCOTT gets hit a few times, but JOEL manages to dodge around cover and flank her.

JOEL KINNAMAN

(puts gun to Valeria’s head)

(despite the fact that he instantly killed every dude to pop out a doorway in this building, cannot bring himself to shoot this woman who just fired a million bullets at him because SHE A LADY)

VALERIA SANTAELLA

(rolls her eyes at what a moron Joel is)

(shoots him square in the chest)

JOEL KINNAMAN

(snaps out of Chivalry Idiot mode and kills Valeria)

He at long last heads into the next room to face HAROLD who, having hid in here while ALL OF HIS GOONS and HIS TOP LIEUTENANT and even HIS GIRLFRIEND died fighting JOEL for him, ought to make for a REAL INTIMIDATING FINAL BOSS FIGHT. Maybe JOEL’S fascinating collection of MORTAL WOUNDS can even the odds a little.

HAROLD TORRES

(kicks and punches Joel for a while)

(once Joel is well and truly beaten down, pulls a gun on him)

(remembers how he had Joel in this exact position at the start of the movie and should have just shot him in the head but he didn’t, and that really came back to bite him in the ass)

(so he definitely should avoid making that same mistake)

(yes, blowing Joel’s brains out right now is absolutely the correct move)

(like right now)

(as in NOW now)

(...three, two, one, shoot)

(shoot him)

(what the fuck are you doing man)

SCOTT shoots HAROLD! Then JOEL summons the last of his strength and throttles HAROLD to death on the floor. At last JOEL collapses, bleeding out his last, next to the also-dying SCOTT, in this dilapidated building full of corpses, while he thinks morosely for the last time of his sweet little boy who was tragically killed and MEEERRRRY CHRISTMAAAASSS!! I bet you can’t wait to watch THIS every year to put you in the holiday spirit, huh? Wait, come back...

END.

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