FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT WITH WAITRESSES WHO WILL BE YOUR ENTHUSIASTIC FLIRTING PRACTICE DUMMIES, I'D SAY THAT'S UNREALISTIC BUT I'VE BEEN TO GAY BARS

MICHAEL JOHNSTON practices flirting on the aforementioned AMAZINGLY PATIENT WAITRESS while coached by his bro COOPER TOMLINSON.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

So, um, what I like about you... is... you really know how to dance?

COOPER TOMLINSON

Nah, you should neg and degrade her a bit! Then she'll want to continue hooking up with me oops I mean date you.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Gee wilkes, you think?! I can't wait to try that, it'll get me out of the friend zone!

WAITRESS

It'll get you somewhere other than friend, I swear it. You both suck, I choose the Bear.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Perfect, I hope all women choose that because my character's name is "Bear!" It's fitting because I'm really good with animals.

MICHAEL'S CAT OVERDOSES AND DIES because he left his LONG-DECEASED GRANDMOTHER'S MEDICATION lying around where a cat could eat it.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Whaaaaat, this isn't my fault! Clearly the cat climbed to the medicine cabinet and opened a childproof bottle that grandma made me swear I'd never ever throw away or she'd haunt me, I'm the REAL victim here!

(puts cat in trash bag, leaves it on floor for a month)

Oh no the cleaning fairies are mad at me, I'm such a victim!

INT. STORE OF MAGICAL CRAP

MICHAEL learns his crush INDE NAVARRETTE (less of a "crush" and more of an "industrial hydraulic compression") lost her CRYSTAL NECKLACE so he goes to buy her a new one.

SALESWOMAN

How sweet! Here's some crystal pendants, which would she like?

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Wait... if I get Inde a pendant she'd be Inde-pendent and I'm not sure I really want that.

(grabs something)

Here, this cheap gag toy that looks like a shitty 80s prank, is this romantic?

SALESWOMAN

Oh these Grant-One-Wish-Per-Person-Ever toys? Everyone who buys them complains about them. Even without any real magic involved, this is a terrible gift.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Conditioning her to accept disappointment sounds like a great strategy!

SALESWOMAN

I'm feeling less upset about the male loneliness epidemic every day.

MICHAEL hangs with INDE and their COWORKERS, then he offers to drive her home. She accepts.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Hmm. She might like me, it's hard to tell. Best case, she gives me a shot; worst case, she seem like the type who would want to stay friends. I'll ask her out.

(pause)

Oops I spent all day reading Reddit posts from women complaining that all men who ask them out are abusive incel creeps, and those stories definitely aren't self-validation slop from actual incels with hate boners! Clearly I can't ask her out or I'll be ostracized forever!!!

INDE NAVARRETTE

Hey Michael. Do you like me? Now would be the moment to say so.

(pause)

Really, I am spelling out in block letters that this is the best chance you will ever have to ask me out. I will patiently wait for your answer. Go ahead.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Uhhhhhererrrrrrmm ehhhhhh hrmmmmm uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh heeeeeeeur durrrrrrrrr hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

INDE NAVARRETTE

(waits)

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

...eerrrrrrmmm uhhhhhhhhhhh

INDE NAVARRETTE

(waits)

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

...hurrrrrr ehhhhhhh Do I like you? Ha ha ha, I like how brave you are to wear THAT outfit in public!

INDE NAVARRETTE

Okay bye then.

INDE leaves. MICHAEL angrily wishes on his GAG TOY that she'll love him, which... okay, it's ENTIRELY FAIR he didn't take that seriously.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Wait, Mikey-kins! Sorry, I meant Michael, why'd I call you that? Weird. Michael-kins, I'm like SO sad because my dad is dying and I'm scared and vulnerable and I need you!

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Uh... are you okay? I feel uncomfortable responding to your advances when you don't seem fully cognizant.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Mikey-kittins, that's SUCH good morals! I want to kiss you right WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING ha ha ignore that, I desperately need to mash my lips into yours so I stop saying weird things like WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Um, you can spend the night but mostly because I'm worried about you.

(builds furniture barricade between them)

Let me know if you need anything, I'll shout out directions from a safe distance.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Ooh you have a kitty! I'll do weird shit to it!

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

This is a DEAD CAT!

INDE NAVARRETTE

No, she's just restin'!

INDE acts weird while MICHAEL behaves REASONABLY in response. Maybe this will be a trend! Unfortunately MICHAEL is not a trendsetting type.

EXT. LATER, THE NEXT DAY

INDE NAVARRETTE

Hey. I was high and didn't want to admit it. Thanks for giving me a place to crash until I felt better. I'm sorry for making it all weird, but I do like you and want to give dating a shot, do you want to get coffee?

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

That sounds SO much more believable than "Magic Toy Mind Control" that, honestly, it'd be ridiculous if I believed the other thing. So, yes, I would like to date you!

(dances)

In-the-cleaaaar! Morally in-the-cleaaaar!

They start DATING and it seemingly goes WELL! Just ignore any MILDLY GROSS FEELINGS you're having, we'll replace them with EXPLICITLY GROSS FEELINGS pretty soon!

INT. RESTAURANT - UNSPECIFIED TIME LATER

INDE NAVARRETTE

You're such a cool boyfriend. I just realized I don't know anything about you though. Let's talk about you?

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

So, like, I wanna be a food critic so I can eat free food. Mmm. Yeah. I like food. Yum yum.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Wow babe that's so interesting babe you're like so cool I want to hear all about your yum yums

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Bread is for sure a yum yum unless it's... Wait. Are you really interested in this?

INDE NAVARRETTE

(twitching)

No. No... No! Noooo. No no no no no no no no no no no no

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Shit! She's possessed by Jordan Peele! Get out! Get ouuuut!

INDE NAVARRETTE

Babykins I love you and want to hear you talk about PLEASE HELP LET ME GO yummy bread mmm I love HELP ME MICHAEL I'M BEING CONTROLLED BY eating delicious bread

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

(looks for the point of plausible deniability)

(oops, you passed it)

Fuck. How was I supposed to know the toy was real, it wasn't shaped like a chimp hand!

INDE NAVARRETTE

Now that you've realized the truth, will you save the day by investigating solutions and helping me regain my autonomy?

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

The solution to your autonomy can be found FROM MY DIIIIIIICK

(to audience)

That urge to vomit you're having? It's probably too much popcorn, I'M not responsible for anything happening to anyone!

MICHAEL fucks both INDE and the AUDIENCE'S LAST SYMPATHIES.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Oh come on! You all sympathized with the Pluribus lady, why not me?!

Everyone starts hoping for a NAILGUN to find its way to MICHAEL'S PENIS.

INT. MICHAEL AND NOT-INDE'S PLACE

MICHAEL wakes to see INDE staring at him.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Mickle-Pickle-Plumpkins, I like watching you sleep. Sooo romantic.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Huh, criticizing Twilight has become nostalgic. You're acting really weird.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Thanks Boopsie-Toopser Doops! Did you know, according to Wikipedia, that no AI was used to enhance my performance?

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

This needs clarification now??!?

INDE NAVARRETTE

Ohmigod I upset you! I'm so sorry, Sweetie Swooticummies! Here, you love eating pussy so I made you a pussy sandwich.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Ooh yeah, pussy sandwich! ...Oh, this is a literal sandwich for lunch. Thanks I guess.

(eats pussy sandwich)

This tastes weird.

INDE NAVARRETTE

It's not purrrrfect? Is it a cat-astrophe? Are you feline good about my sandwich skills?

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

(takes another bite of sandwich)

Was the meat fermented to replicate the flavor of clitoris?

INDE NAVARRETTE

Yes, Spoopy-Woopy Pants. That is exactly what I was trying to do. And you would know because you have found the clitoris so many times because you are the bestsest best at sex ever.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

(stops chewing)

(pussy sandwich)

(realizes)

(what the FUCK)

This is fine.

INDE does odd things like cover the door in TAPE, stand in her SHIT, and read EVERY BACKROOMS FAN THEORY.

MICHAEL finally DOES SOMETHING and calls the WISH TOY TECH SUPPORT LINE.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Excuse me, I broke a magic willow branch for a wish. Can I turn my wish off and back on again?

ZACH CREGGER (V.O.)

Okay you were supposed to wrap her hair around the branch BEFORE you broke it, then... shit, wrong department. I'll transfer you.

MICHAEL is transferred to CURRY BARKER and WOW this internet comedy person managed to get a small part in a movie! Congratulations, CURRY!

CURRY BARKER (V.O.)

Inde is trapped in some kind of torture state. I'll play you this screaming sound bite like I'm Janet explaining the Bad Place.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

No no no! Google AI results said you could change my wish to make Inde a more traditional girlfriend?

CURRY BARKER (V.O.)

That was for an earlier version of the software. AI tech support is ALWAYS WRONG STOP WASTING YOUR IT DEPARTMENT'S TIME BY SENDING THEM AI-GENERATED TICKETS, THIS IS NO LONGER A JOKE BUT A DIRECT PLEA FROM THIS AUTHOR TO EVERYONE READING THIS, DO. NOT. USE. AI. FOR. TECH. SUPPORT. THANK YOU. Look, she'll be free if you die. You could try dying. Or hey, you could get someone else to make a wish that reverses-

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Actually this is fine.

MICHAEL continues to HEY WHO'S UP FOR MORE JOKES ABOUT AI, MAYBE SOME JOKES ABOUT WAR AND FAMINE, ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS PARTICULAR SUBJECT MATTER? I'm gonna barf all over my keyboard, I'm supposed to be working but fuck it everyone is using AI to write their tech support tickets so

INT. PARTY

MICHAEL and INDE attend COOPER TOMLINSON'S party, along with their friend MEGAN LAWLESS.

MEGAN LAWLESS

Hot take! "Nice Guys" can be NOT so nice!

COOPER TOMLINSON

Dude, Inde seriously needs help right now. She lied about her dad's cancer, which I know because the hospital wouldn't hand out his medical information, obviously the only explanation is that she lied and HIPAA is a fantasy.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Nah she's fine. Maybe put your cats in the other room though.

MEGAN LAWLESS

Let's play truth-or-dare Jenga, in case you forgot we are all under twenty-five.

INDE draws a dare. She recites a monologue about HANSEL AND GRETEL INCEST.

In real life this was written by the director's DAD.

Which means "Hey Dad, can you write an incest monologue for my movie?" was a real conversation that happened.

Parents supporting their kids is heartwarming!

INDE NAVARRETTE

"My brother Hansel is bathed in candy-coated lust. He is so hot, I could cook a witch in him!"

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Babe, ew. Please read something else.

INDE NAVARRETTE

"'Oh Luke, Han must not know,' I crooned, 'but I still crave your saber. I crave it enter me now, brzzt shwmm ffzt...'"

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Something else.

INDE NAVARRETTE

"Cersei Lannister-"

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Please read something that is not an incest fanfiction!

INDE NAVARRETTE

"While the Botanist and Scientist moistened his nipples, the Technician thrust his hard assertive tool deep in Jan Dolski's mouth, stuffing him like their mother's pierogi, vanquishing Jan's lifelong insecurities about his size now that he could personally experience the gag of his own exact penis. Here, in the Womb where he'd grown them, the alters gave him self-love, driven by their implanted matching childhood memories of his daddy issues. 'I created them from my DNA, so I am their twin and their daddy (but we are technically unrelated so this cannot be called incest)' thought Jan, as semen genetically identical to his own erupted from all seven cocks. His hole clenched around an arm that had been mining his deep organics deposit; but no one was near his anus so whose arm was inside him? Jan Dadski then realized he'd never asked what the clones had done with the Miner's amputated-"

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Please never read anything ever again.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Okay Pootie Pie! You'll have to drive home because I can no longer read Stop signs.

(frowns at Megan)

Bitsy Pookums, I don't like other girls existing in your vicinity. Why don't we go home so I can SMASH THIS BOTTLE IN MY OWN FACE AAAAAUGH

INDE expresses some BOTTLED-UP FEELINGS.

COOPER TOMLINSON

Holy shit! We have to drive her to the hospital!

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Nah... still fine. She can sleep it off.

MEGAN LAWLESS

SUPER HOT TAKE! What if... wait for it... Inde was the REAL VICTIM and Michael was a BAD PERSON? Like OMG I just blew your MINDS! You missed the WHOLE POINT OF "OBSESSION" DIDN'T YOU

INT. MICHAEL'S HOUSE

In her sleep, the REAL INDE talks to MICHAEL.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Please kill me. I have memories of grilling a decomposing cat. You'll notice I'm carefully wording this to not put you at fault. Please just help me.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

What's so bad about being with me, huh?!

INDE NAVARRETTE

What's so bad? Um, you're the kind of guy who asks that question. Believe me, I'd be killing YOU if it was an option. That's probably what my whole cat-sandwich plan was, come to think of it.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Have you tried simply acting like a normal girl? But not like other girls. But like the parts of Inde that I like that are like other girls. But not like real Inde because I clearly don't want or care about real Inde at all. So like an ideal Inde that isn't like other girls but is like my ideal girl so is special and not normal but is also not weird. Actually just hot. Can you just act hot and do hot things?

MEGAN LAWLESS

(via text on Michael's phone)

OMG MICHAEL MAY NOT BE A GOOD PERSON, PLEASE WATCH MY HOUR-LONG VIDEO ESSAY THAT JUST SUMMARIZES THE MOVIE AND SAYS THE PHRASE "NICE GUY" A LOT! LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!

(...)

sup michael, i know Inde's been unstable lately but i demand u sneak out in the middle of the night to meet up on DL rn. Real hot take, I also suck.

MICHAEL meets with MEGAN in SOME PARK.

MEGAN LAWLESS

Good thing Inde doesn't have supernatural GPS powers!

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Yes, and there's no way she uses location sharing!

MEGAN LAWLESS

Indeed. Anyway, I got into college! I'm so excited to get away from working at a record store with four employees that's somehow always busy-

INDE runs up and turns MEGAN'S FACE into an Amazon Kindle by SUDDENLY BRICKING IT!

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

(hyperventilating)

Hmm. Maybe this isn't fine.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Because people are getting killed? Or because a female who wanted to kiss you no longer has functional lips?

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

(looks away)

INT. COOPER'S HOUSE

MICHAEL buys some more MAKE A WISH toys, depriving children of their chance to see JOHN CENA. He runs to talk to COOPER.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Please ignore the bits of Megan all over me. These magic toys let you only make one wish EVER, I used up mine, so I need you to wish that I never made my wish.

COOPER TOMLINSON

(rolls eyes)

I wish I had a billion dollars.

ROLLS OF PAPER drop down from JUST ABOVE THE FRAME.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Oh come ON, you don't get Nemik'd to death and crushed by money? You just get a billion dollars?! What the hell!

COOPER TOMLINSON

Maybe the wish things aren't evil and you just suck?

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Well I clearly can't bribe someone else to make the wish correctly, I'm not surrounded by piles of cash or something.

(grabs wish toy)

I know! I'll have Inde wish for her OWN freedom!

INT. MICHAEL'S HOUSE

INDE is NOT about to wish for her own freedom.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Sweetum-tookles, I've gotten into cosplay! Check out my Buffalo Bill outfit using Megan's scalp and a random gun!

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

This was the worst idea. Not as bad an idea as dropping the wish toy right next to you and walking away, but

(does that)

COOPER TOMLINSON

(bursting in)

Michael! I just got a billion dollars! Yeah you were right there when it happened so I assume I came over to rub it in your face?

INDE NAVARRETTE

You're interrupting our date night! I'm gonna rub something in your face, and it's this bullet!

(aggressively rubs a bullet on him until he dies)

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Oh no, a fellow cishet male got hurt! At last, I will do the right thing and sacrifice myself to break your curse. As Return of the Jedi taught us, dying to save one person cancels out all the bad you've ever done and makes your soul turn good forever, so I look forward to generations insisting I've been completely redeemed for my crimes.

(swallows all the cat-killing pills)

INDE NAVARRETTE

Not sexual assault, though. Vader wouldn't have approved of that.

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

Oh crap you're right!

MICHAEL tries to make himself THROW UP the unaliving pills. ("Unaliving" because it's a Gen Z director.)

But suddenly, INDE uses the WISH TOY!

MICHAEL JOHNSTON

(bewitched)

What... I'm obsessed with you now! Inde-dindykins, come to Mikey-Bear! I can think of nothing but you, not even all those pills I hrrrk blurrrrk gurgle

MICHAEL falls over and just kinda dies in a way that's DISAPPOINTINGLY HUMANE.

But INDE is free!

INDE NAVARRETTE

What the... Do I get the "Most Traumatized Final Girl Ever" prize?! I didn't even get to cathartically kill the bad guy! I guess I'll just sob over my wrecked life and sanity, because what the hell else am I going to do? Write more incest fanfiction?

COOPER TOMLINSON'S GHOST

You could grab that billion dollars at my house.

INDE NAVARRETTE

Wouldn't it have vanished when you died?

COOPER TOMLINSON'S GHOST

I said "I wish I had a billion dollars" and now I no longer have the billion dollars, so it should still be there!

INDE NAVARRETTE

Oh, AWESOME!

INDE grabs the ENTIRE BOX OFFICE YIELD and pays off a HOMELESS GUY to wish away all her TRAUMA.

Fanfiction solves EVERYTHING!

END