FADE IN:

INT. BIG FANCY HOUSE

MACAULAY CULKIN is flailing for any kind of attention from his HUGE EXTENDED FAMILY who are all swarming through his house.

MACAULAY CULKIN

Hello, anybody? Help? I have to pack my suitcase for our vacation and as you know I’m a whiny helpless waste to whom putting clothes into a bag is a terrifying enigma, so could someone-

ASSHOLE BULLY BROTHER

SHUT UP YOU FUCKING TURD

PIECE-OF-SHIT UNCLE

YEAH GO DIE IN A FIRE YOU DISGUSTING VOMIT PILE

MACAULAY CULKIN

Woah. Okay I know I’m annoying but-

SNOTTY BITCH SISTER

YOU’RE SUCH A STUPID SHITSTAIN I HOPE YOU FALL INTO A SEPTIC TANK AND DROWN

MACAULAY CULKIN

Who the fuck treats other human beings this way-

JOHN HEARD

QUIET, FUCKFACE, I’M TRYING TO TALK TO THIS PERFECTLY INNOCENT POLICE OFFICER OVER HERE.

(to Joe Pesci)

So yes, as I was saying, officer, every house on this street will be deserted for the next few weeks.

JOE PESCI

That’s all the large, cozy, lavishly-decorated houses which would be perfect for entertaining families at Christmastime, are going to be completely empty at Christmas as all the residents fuck off overseas? Every last one of them?

JOHN HEARD

Hey, that’s just how we roll here on Statistical Anomaly Street.

JOE PESCI

Things are really that improbable and contrived around here?

JOHN HEARD

Sorry, what was that? We just had an emergency in the kitchen which resulted in us accidentally throwing away precisely one of our plane tickets, and one of our passports, SPECIFICALLY Macaulay’s.

JOE PESCI

So that’s a yes.

CATHERINE O’HARA

That’s it, Macaulay! For pushing your brother, I’m sending you straight to bed without supper, alone in the attic which you find terrifying, like something out of Dickens!

MACAULAY CULKIN

Grrr, I hate my family and wish they would all disappear! My character arc involves me growing out of this, but honestly it’s a pretty understandable attitude. You guys are the absolute worst.

He goes to bed. During the night a TREE knocks out the POWER and the PHONE LINES. CATHERINE and JOHN wake up to realize they MISSED THE ALARM.

CATHERINE O’HARA

OH FUCK WE OVERSLEPT!

JOHN HEARD

ALL FIFTEEN OF US!!

CATHERINE O’HARA

YES, ON THE MORNING OF AN IMPORTANT, EXCITING EVENT NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN THIS HUGE HOUSEHOLD HAPPENED TO WAKE UP AT A RATIONAL HOUR!! FUUUUUCK

They wake up EVERYBODY, who then all RUN AROUND SCREAMING in a HECTIC LAST-MINUTE FRENZY.

JOHN HEARD

On an unrelated note, did you ever think it was weird how we spent forty thousand dollars completely soundproofing the attic? So much so that anybody sleeping there would be completely undisturbed by fourteen people panic-stomping all over the house?

They all charge onto some AIRPORT SHUTTLES and hightail it to the AIRPORT.

INT. AIRPORT

The entire FAMILY sprints through the AIRPORT at full tilt, reaching the GATE just as it’s about to close.

CATHERINE O’HARA

Phew, we made it! Hey gate lady, clearly we missed the window for check in, security screening and baggage claim, but they must have let us do it anyway. Can you also throw protocol out the window and let us on board at the last second?

GATE LADY

Sure, why not! I won't even examine or count the fistful of tickets you just shoved into my hand. Nobody’s more relaxed about rules than airport personnel, after all!

The family pile onto the PLANE and FLY AWAY.

INT. HOME (WHERE MACAULAY IS NOW ALONE)

Back at the house, MACAULAY finally wakes up.

MACAULAY CULKIN

Ahhh, what a splendid thirteen-hour sleep that was! Wait, where is everybody? Holy shit, they’re all gone!

(pause)

And yes, that was totally the plan. BUT the cars are still here, and apparently I was never told to be packed and ready in time for the shuttle pickup, but instead assumed that all fifteen of us and our fuckton of luggage would be cramming ourselves in those two station wagons. Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that they LITERALLY DISAPPEARED!

He sits down and contemplates the magnitude of what he stupidly thinks has happened.

MACAULAY CULKIN

My family... is dead. I killed them. Annihilated them. Cursed them into nonexistence. What have I done?! Please, whatever entity answered my careless wish, I didn’t mean it! BWA HA HA HAAAA!!! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET!! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH ME!! FUCK YOU, DEAD FAMILY!!!

He starts doing all the things that his family never allowed him to do, such as EATING ALL THE JUNK FOOD and WATCHING GROWN-UP MOVIES and... running at full-tilt round and round the hallways, flailing his arms madly and letting out an uninterrupted guttural scream?

MACAULAY CULKIN

BLAAAHHHAAGGHHHAAAAAGGHHHHH finally nobody can tell me not to have a total psychotic break AAAAAAAAAA

INT. PLANE

Halfway to FRANCE, CATHERINE suddenly remembers something.

CATHERINE O’HARA

(counts on fingers)

Wait a second. John, how many kids do we have?

JOHN HEARD

Five.

CATHERINE O’HARA

FIVE?! OH FUCK WE LEFT MACAULAY AT HOME! Shit fuck fuck shit, we are the worst fucking parents in the world! How could we do this?

JOHN HEARD

Honey, don’t blame yourself. We were in a hurry, things were crazy.

CATHERINE O’HARA

But that just makes it worse! After a chaotic group sprint through the airport, you’re saying NEITHER of us took five seconds to check that none of our kids got separated? Getting lost in public places is what kids DO, this is parenting 101! What the hell is wrong with us?

JOHN HEARD

It's fine, let’s just call the police back home and have them go check on Macaulay. I just hope that Macaulay isn’t afraid to answer the door for some contrived reason, convincing the cops he’s not there, which would make them just forget the whole thing.

CATHERINE O’HARA

Forget? If they think he’s not in the house, wouldn’t that make him a missing person, a much MORE serious situation?

JOHN HEARD

Look, it’s just one of the many, many pieces of implausible bullshit that has to happen in order for this movie’s stupid premise to work. Don’t question it.

EXT. THE HOUSE

Meanwhile, JOE PESCI is in a van with DANIEL STERN.

JOE PESCI

Mwa ha ha, I wasn’t actually a cop at all, but a thief casing this entire street! ESPECIALLY Macaulay’s fancy house. Let’s go rob that right now!

They go to rob the place but MACAULAY notices and turns on some LIGHTS.

DANIEL STERN

WOAH! Some lights turned on once we got close to the house, almost as though something SENSED our PROXIMITY! Somebody is still in the house!

JOE PESCI

It’s the only possible explanation!

They go off to rob OTHER HOUSES instead.

INT. MACAULAY’S HOUSE

MACAULAY is FARTING AROUND.

MACAULAY CULKIN

Now we enter the midsection of the movie, where we jam in a whooole lot of padding. In between the burglar stuff you’ll be seeing me comb my hair, do laundry, go grocery shopping, go to church, basically do a crapload of stuff that no kid my age would do if he had the house to himself for a few days.

(pause)

Also talking to myself. Talking to myself waaayyy more than is healthy. Constantly narrating my actions as though to an invisible audience. Like a crazy person.

He orders a PIZZA.

MACAULAY CULKIN

Hmmm, what to do about the pizza delivery? It would be MIND-MELTINGLY SUSPICIOUS for a kid to answer the door for the pizza man! Surely he would go directly to the authorities and I would be thrown in child prison or something. Oh, I know what to do!

When the DELIVERY BOY arrives, a NOTE directs him to the BACK DOOR.

TELEVISION

Leave it on the doorstep.

DELIVERY BOY

Hello? Is anyone home?

TELEVISION

I said to leave the pizza on the doorstep! That’s a totally normal request, right?

DELIVERY BOY

Oh, my apologies sir, you somehow sound exactly like a voice coming out of some television speakers. I don’t even know how a real human who’s physically on the other side of this door could sound like that.

TELEVISION

Well I am a real adult person, not a videotape with conveniently apropros dialogue that Macaulay is fast-forwarding and rewinding with uncanny precision. Now here’s the money, shoved through the cat flap as you do.

DELIVERY BOY

Okay. Yeah, this was weird but I guess you pulled it off without being too suspicious-

TELEVISION

MACHINE GUN NOISES!!!

DELIVERY BOY

(fleeing)

AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

MACAULAY CULKIN

Yes! The perfect way to avoid drawing attention to myself.

EXT. OUTSIDE AT THE VAN AGAIN

JOE and DANIEL come back to MACAULAY’S HOUSE to try again.

JOE PESCI

Damnit, now the house is fully lit up, and full of people! Look at them all, moving their limbs spasmodically, gliding around as though on wheels, casting perfect silhouettes on the curtains like they’ve been backlit with spotlights.

DANIEL STERN

Say, do you think maybe that’s an elaborate hoax?

JOE PESCI

What, you mean like the house just happened to have a whole bunch of mannequins and life-sized cardboard cutouts lying around that Macaulay could animate to give the illusion of a crowded house? As well as a record of random crowd noises that he could play?

DANIEL STERN

You’re right, that’s so stupid, I don’t know what I was thinking.

INT. AIRPORT

CATHERINE has managed to get back to AMERICA.

CATHERINE O’HARA

Please help, I need to get to Chicago by Christmas! I’m a John Hughes character who is desperately trying to make their way back home in time for a major holiday!

JOHN CANDY

(appearing)

That’s my specialty! Come on, you made it this far by plane, I’ll take you the rest of the way in my automobile. We’ll just have to forget about the trains part.

EXT. MACAULAY’S HOUSE

JOE spies through MACAULAY’S WINDOW and sees MACAULAY decorating a tree.

JOE PESCI

Aha! He must be alone!

DANIEL STERN

Staying in that house completely by himself? At his age? Why would you come to this conclusion, that’s a thing that just plain doesn’t happen.

JOE PESCI

Either way, let’s come back here to rob the place at NINE O’CLOCK.

DANIEL STERN

So the presence of one kid is no impediment, then? What are we going to do, tie him up? Kill him? Sounds like we’re moving into a whole other crime bracket over this one house.

JOE PESCI

Who cares, just so long as we’re here tonight at NINE O’CLOCK.

DANIEL STERN

Fine. NINE O’CLOCK.

MACAULAY CULKIN

(heard everything)

INT. CHURCH

MACAULAY goes to a CHURCH. His scary neighbor ROBERTS BLOSSOM comes and sits next to him.

ROBERTS BLOSSOM

Hi there! You were always scared of me, but as you can see I’m just a harmless, lonely old man.

MACAULAY CULKIN

You’re an old stranger who deliberately came to chat to an unaccompanied ten-year-old. By what definition is that not scary?

ROBERTS BLOSSOM

I just want to vent my feelings! I’m here to see my granddaughter sing in the choir. I can’t visit her properly because I had a falling-out with my son and haven’t seen him for years.

MACAULAY CULKIN

Wait, so he’s not here? His daughter is singing publically on Christmas Eve and he didn’t show up? By family movie standards that makes him a deadbeat piece of shit, you’re better off without him.

ROBERTS BLOSSOM

Gosh, you’re right! And by talking to me like this it shows you’ve really overcome your fear.

MACAULAY CULKIN

I have, haven’t I? In that case I’m not afraid to do what I have to to thwart Joe and Daniel!

ROBERTS BLOSSOM

You mean just telling me about them? So I can report them to the police?

MACAULAY CULKIN

Kinda like that. But, you know, with fewer cops and more torture.

INT. MACAULAY’S HOUSE

Over the course of the next HOUR, MACAULAY runs home, draws up an elaborate BLUEPRINT, then lugs around heaps of HOUSEHOLD ITEMS and HARDWARE, constructing dozens of FIENDISH TRAPS. Finally JOE and DANIEL show up.

JOE PESCI

Well here we are, at nine o’clock. Macaulay’s lucky we burglars are so punctual.

They go round to the BACK DOOR. But when they get there, MACAULAY shoots them through the CAT FLAP with a BB GUN.

JOE PESCI

OW! That little bastard!

DANIEL STERN

Yeah, let’s smash the door in and grab him! He’s right there lying on his stomach, we can win in ten seconds.

JOE PESCI

No, let’s split up and head for other entrances. Even though we have no reason to think he hasn’t already alerted the police.

DANIEL goes to the BASEMENT DOOR where he SLIPS ON ICE and FALLS DOWN THE CONCRETE STEPS. JOE goes to the FRONT DOOR where a blowtorch SETS HIS HEAD THE FUCK ON FIRE.

JOE PESCI

AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH

DANIEL STERN

UuuUUuuuUUuughhghghhh... that’s it, let’s get the fuck outta here, we’re both severely injured and need immediate medical attention...

JOE PESCI

NO! We’re unaccountably okay, let’s just keep going.

DANIEL STERN

Should we at least be careful where we step and what we touch now that we know-

JOE PESCI

FUCK THAT! Let’s just charge onwards and repeatedly blunder right into easily-avoidable deadly traps.

They make their way inside. DANIEL gets an IRON smashed into his face and steps on a NAIL and then some jagged CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS, whereas JOE gets some FEATHERS glued to his face and you didn’t really put much effort into that one did you MACAULAY.

JOE PESCI

There he is, up those stairs! Let’s get him!

DANIEL STERN

Wait, why? We’re inside. Mission accomplished. Let’s steal some shit then get out of here.

JOE PESCI

NO LET’S KEEP FOLLOWING THAT KID INSTEAD! EVEN THOUGH HE’S TELLING US TO DO THAT VERY THING, THEREFORE MORE TRAPS OBVIOUSLY AWAIT!!

They run at MACAULAY but then trip on some TOY CARS and slam hard into the FLOOR.

JOE PESCI

Why I oughta!!

They run up the STAIRS but MACAULAY smashes them in the FACE with HEAVY PAINT CANS and then they plummet DOWN THE STAIRS and onto the hardwood FLOOR again.

JOE PESCI

You little!!

They chase MACAULAY again but he drives a MAC TRUCK into them, knocking them off a CLIFF onto a pile of TNT which EXPLODES.

JOE PESCI

(soot on face)

That stung!!

They chase MACAULAY again but he releases some ravenous MANTICORES with LASER EYES which DEVOUR THEM.

JOE PESCI

(with band aids)

I’m getting kinda tired of this!!

Finally JOE and DANIEL chase MACAULAY, who has gone to a NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE to call the COPS, which is really the ONLY THING HE NEEDED TO DO. They CATCH HIM!

JOE PESCI

Aha, we’ve got you now! You know what we’re gonna do?

DANIEL STERN

TALK!

JOE PESCI

Yeah, we’re gonna stand here and TALK about how much we plan on torturing you!

DANIEL STERN

And we’ll KEEP ON talking and stalling and wasting time until-

ROBERTS shows up and clonks them on the head with a show shovel.

JOE PESCI

ACK - hit by an old man - after all the other injuries, this is the one that ultimately stops us somehow.

(falls unconscious)

INT. MACAULAY’S HOUSE

The next morning it is CHRISTMAS.

MACAULAY CULKIN

And I’ve cleaned up every trap and magically repaired all the damage done to the house! Except in my asshole bully brother’s room because we have a gag we want to close the movie on.

Then CATHERINE gets home!

CATHERINE O’HARA

Sweetie, I’m back! I’m sorry we-

She is DECAPITATED by a SPINNING BLADE which is fired out of the wall.

MACAULAY CULKIN

...Oops. Missed a spot.

END.