FADE IN:

INT. A HOUSE - JAKARTA, INDONESIA - DAWN

IKO UWAIS

Witness my twofold morning ritual of intense physical training and quiet meditation! The training will prepare me for the gruelling action scenes later on, while the meditation will prepare me for the lack of any other kind of scene.

PREGNANT WIFE

(lying serenely in bed)

Good morning, Iko. I'm so content being your Reason To Live that I don't even need my own story. Interestingly, the only other female character in this entire movie also does nothing but lie in bed. Girl power, this ain't.

INT. SWAT VAN - LATER THAT MORNING

SWAT SEARGANT JOE TASLIM is SWAT BRIEFING his SWAT TEAM, which includes IKO.

JOE TASLIM

Listen up, team. I know I said we were going on a coffee run, but instead we're about to raid a twenty-plus-storey apartment building in the scuzziest part of town, owned by the most feared ganglord in the city, and inhabited by over 400 violent criminals. Surprise!

IKO UWAIS

I'm not worried. I practice the deadly, knife-wielding art of Silat, which fuses the elegant discipline of martial arts with the visceral satisfaction of shanking a punk. It is a far superior style, and it will give us the edge we need.

JOE TASLIM

Actually all the criminals know Silat too. You may not have noticed, but this entire universe we inhabit is one giant showcase for the Silat style, which is why I had to dagger-punch my barista in the throat this morning.

(mutters)

No-foam, my ass.

IKO UWAIS

So you're saying our notoriously corrupt police department is sending us on a virtual suicide mission without any explanation, and we're not even the least bit suspicious?

JOE TASLIM

(shrugs)

You got a more efficient pretext for setting up two hours of non-stop action, you go right ahead. No? Okay then, let me finish the briefing.

(to group)

You should all know how to distinguish the Big Boss's two main henchmen, named Andi and Mad Dog. Mad Dog is, spoiler alert, a master of Silat; whereas Andi, by contrast, is a Silat master.

INT. BIG BOSS'S OFFICE

We see RAY SAHETAPY, the BIG BOSS, flanked by YAYAN RUHIAN and DONI ALAMSYAH, who are presumably ANDI and MAD DOG. The camera lingers a bit while we try to guess WHICH is WHICH. The actors help out by NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR A GOOD WHILE.

DONI ALAMSYAH

Maybe one of these five prisoners knows which one of us is Mad Dog.

RAY SAHETAPY

Then I will KILL THEM ALL! For as long as I'm the only one who knows, I maintain my evil hold over you both!

He SHOOTS FOUR of the PRISONERS and then HAMMERS the last one to DEATH, because it is a sign of SUPREME EVIL to save an over-the-top violent finishing move for one arbitrary foe.

EXT. CRIMEDOMINIUM

JOE TASLIM

Now we must use our SWAT training to outwit one half-asleep douchebag watching TV! You twelve guys sneak up on him, while the rest of us watch from an unhelpful position.

HALF-ASLEEP DOUCHEBAG

(being subdued)

YOLP!

The SWAT TEAM SNEAK INSIDE and SUBDUE a few more guys!

INT. EXTREMELY FILTHY HALLWAY

JOE TASLIM

So far this is going pretty well. Don't you agree, Commanding Officer and Failed Duke Nukem Impersonator Pierre Gruno?

PIERRE GRUNO

Yeah, it's looking good OH FUCK I JUST SHOT A KID! And this has directly led to our being discovered and our plan going to shit! How meaningful that our moral failure has caused our tactical one also!

JOE TASLIM

Yes, what a resonant tragedy!

(pause)

It sure would suck if it turned out later that the criminals were waiting to ambush us all along, wouldn't it. I mean, then that scene of gunning down a child would just be gratuitous.

PIERRE GRUNO

I agree. THAT better not happen.

WRITER/DIRECTOR GARETH EVANS

Oops.

Suddenly GUNMEN appear and START SHOOTING! The COPS RETURN FIRE!! LOTS AND LOTS OF SHOOTING HAPPENS!!

JOE TASLIM

(over gunfire)

KEEP FIRING MEN!! WE NEED TO USE UP ALL OUR AMMO NOW, SO THAT THE REST OF THE MOVIE CAN BE ALL HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT!!

INT. ANOTHER BUILDING NEARBY

TWO EVIL SNIPERS take up position in their MAGICAL M.C. ESCHER ROOM that allows them to shoot at ALL FOUR SIDES OF THE MAIN BUILDING ALL AT ONCE. They start GUNNING DOWN ALL THE COPS!

SWAT COP #4

Nooo, they shot SWAT Cop #2 in the eye and exploded his brain! Get up, SWAT Cop #2!! Don't let your lack of brain stop you!! GET UP DAMMIT!!

(is shot)

INT. FILTHY CRIME-PARTMENT

IKO UWAIS

Damn, the gunmen have us pinned down. Wait, I know, I'll blow up a refrigerator! By the Crystal Skull Principle, it'll save us!

JOE TASLIM

Oh come on, that movie was bullshit--

The FRIDGE EXPLODES, FRAGGING pretty much THE ENTIRE FLOOR and EVERYBODY ON IT EQUALLY, so GOOD PLAN THERE IKO.

INT. BIG BOSS'S OFFICE

RAY SAHETAPY

Hm, those cops may be more trouble than I thought. That explosion caused almost three dollars' worth of damage.

DONI ALAMSYAH

Maybe you should have one of us check it out.

YAYAN RUHIAN

Yup, sure sounds like a job for "Mad Dog"...

RAY SAHETAPY

Oh, nice try, assholes. BOTH of you go!

INT. BLOWN-TO-FUCK ROOM

IKO UWAIS

(reviving)

Cough, cough. Well at least a handful of us survived. Joe, you take the healthy guys down that hall, and I'll push the terribly injured guy through this hole in the ceiling.

JOE TASLIM, PIERRE GRUNO, and ANOTHER COP head out but have to TAKE COVER from MACHETE THUGS!

HEAD MACHETE THUG

Hrm, I sense there may be cops nearby! I'll tap my machete menacingly along this hallway, getting ever closer to the corner around which the cops MIGHT JUST be hiding... closer... CLOSER... now I'm right at the VERY EDGE... JUST HALF A STEP AWAY FROM LOOKING AROUND THAT CORNER... AND...

CUT TO:

INT. UPSTAIRS FILTHY HALLWAY

IKO UWAIS

Come on, Injured Cop, we need to find somewhere to hide before the Big Boss comes up with some devious plan to capture us.

RAY SAHETAPY

(over loudspeaker)

Attention everyone! I have just hired Iko Uwais as our new superintendent! Please take any and all complaints directly to him!

IKO UWAIS

(wincing)

Oh, fuckballs.

MACHETE THUG #5

(rushing in with dozens of other machete thugs)

ARRRRGH MY FREEZER HAS BEEN BROKEN FOR TWO MONTHS NOW!! WHEN IS SOMEBODY GOING TO FIX MY FREEZER GODDAMMIT!!!

MACHETE THUG #11

(attacking)

ALSO THE LOBBY FURNITURE IS IN DIRE NEED OF REUPHOLSTERING, IT HURTS ALL OF OUR PROPERTY VALUES, WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!!!

IKO UWAIS

(fighting)

Oh so you don't like the decor! I think I will remodel this floor using YOUR HEAD!! I SMASH EVERYTHING IN SIGHT WITH THE SIDE OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD!! Because it a sign of SUPREME HEROISM to save an over-the-top violent finishing move for one arbitrary foe!!

IKO SILATS THE MOTHER-FUCKIN' SILAT out of the MACHETE THUGS!

CUT TO:

INT. LOWER, JUST AS FILTHY HALLWAY

HEAD MACHETE THUG

(in exact same pose as five minutes ago)

...AND... HERE I GO ABOUT TO TURN THIS CORNER... hey, I hear something upstairs! Let's go!

JOE TASLIM

Phew! That was TOO close, we almost had to fight together as a three-person unit. Let's split up to avoid any risk of that happening again.

INT. ELEVATOR

DONI ALAMSYAH and TWO THUGS are heading downstairs. Suddenly DONI KILLS the TWO THUGS!

DONI ALAMSYAH

I should probably concoct some kind of cover story for when Boss Ray asks me why these guys are dead. Or, fuck it, I won't.

INT. HALLWAY CONTAINING 130 GRIEVOUSLY WOUNDED OR DEAD MACHETE THUGS, AND ALSO FILTH

IKO UWAIS is ATTACKED by the HEAD MACHETE THUG and ANOTHER FIVE DOZEN MACHETE THUGS!

MACHETE THUG #37

(attacking)

GRRRR MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR BLASTS HIS STEREO ALL DAY AND NIGHT!! WE REALLY NEED SOME KIND OF COMPREHENSIVE POLICY ON THIS SORT OF DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOUR!!!

MACHETE THUG #28

ARRGH I AM WOUNDED! Fine, I'll sulk in this doorway and not even bother trying to fight any more. So there.

(pouts)

MACHETE THUG #61

(attacking)

AAGHAGHG I HAVE NO PARTICULAR BEEF ABOUT ANYTHING, I JUST WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY ARNIE-SCREAM FIGHT STYLE!! AGHAGHAAAGHAGHAHG!!!

IKO UWAIS

YOU ALL DIE SUCKERS!! Too bad for YOU that I already read the entire IGN walkthrough of this level!! This is how I know EXACTLY which direction to face next EVEN BEFORE my next opponent reveals himself!! That, and of course, Silat.

IKO ANNIHLATES the remaining MACHETE THUGS, deciding to throw the LAST THUG AND HIMSELF out of a TWELFTH-STOREY WINDOW!! However a FIRE ESCAPE breaks his fall, because SILAT.

INT. YET ANOTHER RANDOM DILAPIDATED HALLWAY OF FILTH

IKO UWAIS

(woozily)

So... woozy... from fall! Must... find...

DONI ALAMSYAH

(appearing)

...your BROTHER?!!?!?!!???

IKO UWAIS

GASP! Indeed, shockingly, my own brother, now entrenched on the opposite side of the law! When have we ever seen such conflicted loyalties except for Infernal Affairs and Desperado and every John Woo movie ever made and never mind.

DONI ALAMSYAH

I just killed two thugs, risking my life and position in this gang, so that I can tell you I will never risk losing my position in this gang, so don't even ask.

IKO UWAIS

But I promised our Dad I would bring you back. C'MONN!!!!!!

DONI ALAMSYAH

No.

IKO UWAIS

Okay. See you later.

INT. ALLEGEDLY DIFFERENT FILTHY HALLWAY BUT Y'KNOW I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF SOME OF THESE HALLWAY SETS ARE DOING DOUBLE DUTY

YAYAN RUHIAN

A-ha, I have you now, Joe Tarsim!

JOE TARSIM

But I have YOU in an Indonesian standoff! Which is like a Mexican standoff, except you have a gun and I have a knife. But it's still totally a stalemate, right?!

YAYAN RUHIAN

Oh, I won't shoot you. Instead we will fight to the death in this small apartment, which, like all our rooms, has a giant huge space cleared out in the centre for us to fight in.

They FIGHT! JOE SMASHES YAYAN'S HEAD TO A PULP FORTY-TWO TIMES, but not before YAYAN SMASHES JOE'S HEAD TO AN EVEN BLOODIER PULP SEVENTY-NINE TIMES!!

JOE TASLIM

(weakly)

For what it's worth, I think YOU'RE definitely Mad Dog.

(dies)

INT. BIG BOSS'S OFFICE

YAYAN RUHIAN

Look, Boss Ray, I've brought you the corpse of the main hero cop.

DONI ALAMSYAH

Nah, that ain't the guy. You'd think if I was really trying to protect my brother, I would say "Yes, that is the guy", but I just cannot be bothered to put any effort at all into this whole warmed-over conflicted loyalties subplot.

RAY SAHETAPY

(suspicious)

What do you mean "brother", Andi?

DONI ALAMSYAH

A-HA! So I'M Andi and HE'S Mad Dog! GOTCHA! HIGH FIVE!

RAY SAHETAPY

OH FUCK YOU AND YOUR HAND TOO!

(stabs Doni's hand)

DONI ALAMSYAH

ARRGH! Yayan, help!

YAYAN RUHIAN

Why would I? I got the cool character name. Screw you.

INT. HALLWAY AND BONUS POINTS IF YOU CAN GUESS ITS DOMINANT CHARACTERISTIC

IKO UWAIS

There you are Pierre; and Other Cop, you survived too! I saw Joe get dragged off, so it's just us left. Except Injured Cop, who I left in a wall somewhere.

OTHER COP

So what's our plan now?

IKO UWAIS

Since our earlier plan of charging in blind failed catastrophically, I say we charge in blind!!

OTHER COP

AWRIGHT!!

IKO, PIERRE, and OTHER COP BARGE into the MAIN DRUG LAB!! FIGHT TIME!!!

PIERRE GRUNO

I can't really fight, I can just throw heavy things! I appreciate everyone accommodating this limitation of mine, though, and not dodging or anything.

A GUARD JUMPS onto THE LONGEST TABLE IN ALL OF INDONESIA!!!

DRUG GUARD #48

(running)

OH BOY A REALLY LONG TABLE!! I LOVE RUNNING ON TABLES THIS IS THE BEST EVER WHEEEEEEEE!!!!

IKO UWAIS

FUCK YOU, I AM THE BEST TABLE RUNNER!! I WILL JUMP ON THE OPPOSITE END AND RUN RIGHT BACK AT YOU!!!

DRUG GUARD #48

ARRRGH, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE TABLE RUNNER!! ANY MORE THAN THAT UNNECESSARILY CLUTTERS THE VISUAL DINING EXPERIENCE JUST ASK MARTHA STEWART YOU FUCKHEAD!!!!

They FIGHT and IKO TOTALLY CRUSHES THE GUARD'S SKULL FIFTY TIMES OVER WITH HIS +10 TITANIUM-LACED KNEECAPS OF SKULLCRUSHING!!

IKO UWAIS

Now to get the Big Boss! Off you go guys, I'm right behind you!

(they rush off)

Or not.

IKO instead finds a bound DONI getting BEAT UP by YAYAN!

YAYAN RUHIAN

Welcome, Iko. It's time for our big Silat battle. First, though, feel free to untie your brother so he can help you. Thirsty? I've got Vitamin Water if you'd like some. Maybe a quick massage and steam bath before we begin?

IKO UWAIS

Why are you being so helpful?

YAYAN RUHIAN

I thought I would mix things up a bit and give the VILLAIN progressively more difficult challenges, instead of the hero, as is usually the case.

They FIGHT and BEAT SO MUCH EVER-LOVIN' CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER that YAYAN getting STABBED IN THE NECK with BROKEN GLASS is just a SAVE CHECKPOINT. Finally IKO and DONI WIN!

INT. FILTHWAY WITH TINY SPOTS OF HALL

IKO UWAIS

Phew, that was one exhausting fight. And there's still the Big Boss left to defeat, so there must be even more awesomeness in store!

PIERRE GRUNO

(appearing)

Actually, I'M evil too...

IKO UWAIS

Woah, TWO more villains!? This'll be some showdown!

PIERRE GRUNO

... and I just shot Ray Sahetapy dead, and I'm surrendering.

IKO UWAIS

Oh. That's kind of a letdown. But we still have to fight our way out, right?

DONI ALAMSYAH

Not really. I'm in charge now, and all the machete thugs are dead anyway. It's all over.

IKO UWAIS

Oh.

(pause)

But, wait, what about the "redemption" in the title? Who got redeemed?

DONI ALAMSYAH

Well, I'm going back to a life of crime and drugs, so it's not me.

IKO UWAIS

And I'm exactly as heroic as when I got here. Plus, I'm leaving without fulfilling the one promise I made at the beginning, which was to bring you back with me.

PIERRE GRUNO

Dude, it's just a word they added to the title for copyright reasons. Don't sweat it. Besides, it could come in handy if the producers follow through on their plans to turn this into a trilogy.

IKO UWAIS

Trilogy? Well I guess as long as they don't call the next ones "Reloaded" and "Revolutions" we should be OK.

END