FADE IN:

INT. MEGAN FOX’S HOUSE

In the classic tradition of all great action films, we begin on our main character JASON STATHAM being screamed at by his girlfriend MEGAN FOX.

MEGAN FOX

And another thing! I’m not going to specify why I’m angry at you because that might accidentally reveal that you have a character flaw, but suffice it to say all of my X chromosomes are PISSED!

JASON STATHAM

Oi love, I do not care about you or why you’re angry but does it have something to do with the fact that you’re wearing a mini bodycon dress with 4-inch heels and a face full of makeup at 1 in the afternoon?

MEGAN FOX

Ugh! I can’t anymore with these men, the gender I’m not! This tenses my fallopian tubes and shrills my voice! I choose the bear, get out!

JASON is kicked out and meets up with SYLVESTER STALLONE.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

The expendables are back! That’s right, I’ve decided to take a break from making legacy sequels to action films from my younger heyday to pop out an Expendables movie that looks like something you’d scroll past on Tubi!

JASON STATHAM

The last movie came out 10 years ago. This IS a legacy sequel to action films from your younger heyday, grandpa. Anyway, what’s our newest mission?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I lost my Expendables ring fair and square in a thumb wrestling match, and I want it back. Here’s a set of brass knuckles so that you can absolutely send the guy who took it and his friends to the hospital for reconstructive facial surgery. I need to emphasize that we could have just as easily written that he stole it from me, but instead we are going out of our way to point out that he did nothing wrong.

JASON STATHAM

Okay I’ll do it, but only if I can give you endless shit for caring about this stupid ring. I don’t care about anything or anyone, especially not male pattern baldness.

JASON beats the hell out of a bunch of PAID BOUNCERS just working a job at a bar where some idiot who lost his ring in a thumb wrestling match just so happens to be part of a squad of violent elite mercenaries above the law, tough break that.

INT. EXPENDABLES HANGAR

The OTHER EXPENDABLES sit around checking their guns over and over so that they are always seen HOLDING THEM. STALLONE and STATHAM enter and show their affection with NONSTOP BALL-BUSTING.

JASON STATHAM

Dolph, you’re in this one too? How’s it hanging you worthless sack of pig vomit?

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Ha ha ha if it isn’t Voldemort’s ugly brother, I hope you get ass cancer and die, best friend for life!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Alright that’s enough licking each other’s dirty taints, queermos. Expendables, roll-call!

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Dolph, the team’s extremely terrible and only sniper! My eyesight may be extremely poor, but I make up for it with my on-screen charisma which is equally poor.

JASON STATHAM

Statham, with the power to absorb all the powers of previous expendables who didn’t agree to be in the movie!

JACOB SCIPIO

Jacob, the team’s resident comic relief and you can tell because I keep talking about golden showers, that’s what they went with for me.

50 CENT

Curtis, with the ability to insist they use one of my songs on the soundtrack so that I can get paid above and below the line!

ANDY GARCIA

And me, Andy Garcia. I’m the Harrison Ford of this movie who was the Bruce Willis of the last one. Your mission is to stop Iko Uwais from stealing nuclear codes in Libya and giving them to a mysterious figure known only as Ocelot.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Is this the entire crew? Isn’t the whole appeal of these movies that it brings back a bunch of aging action stars? Were all the other Expendables busy? Where’s Terry Crews?

ANDY GARCIA

Oh, he was fired by producer Avi Lerner as retaliation for refusing to drop his lawsuit against agent Adam Venit who sexually molested him at a party in 2016.

JASON STATHAM

Avi Lerner? Isn’t he the producer with whom Stallone left production over creative differences? Which led to Schwarzenegger also leaving in solidarity, only to have Stallone come back and receive second billing?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

That’s the one! And that’s why beloved actor Terry Crews isn’t even mentioned in the movie, and everyone in it just went ahead and made it without him, explicitly choosing a paycheck over supporting a longtime friend and sexual abuse victim.

JASON STATHAM

Wow, kinda makes you want the movie to flop for reasons well beyond that it’s a gigantic piece of unwatchable shit.

ANDY GARCIA

I have fantastic news for you! Now get to work, this CGI blood isn’t going to splatter itself!

EXT. ALGERIA - JUST KIDDING IT’S LIBYA, REMEMBER?

The EXPENDABLES attempt to stop IKO UWAIS.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Just gotta not miss this extremely easy sniper shot with Iko out in the open. Come on deteriorating body, don’t fail me now!

(fails him immediately)

A FIGHT breaks out and SYLVESTER STALLONE gets KILLED. Everyone is extremely distraught over it, seemingly forgetting that the one defining trait of the group members is their expendability.

JASON STATHAM

Stallone, noooooo! What’s the point of one of these movies if NO Planet Hollywood owners are in it?! I swear to you Iko, I will have my vengeance! I took a vow to avenge the wrongful death of any elderly citizen, whether it’s beekeeping-themed or not!

IKO UWAIS

Aw man, am I the bad guy in this? Couldn’t we get Stephen Segal or something? I really don’t want to have to force my way through one of those embarrassing fight scenes where I pretend to lose to an osteoporosis patient.

The EXPENDABLES return home, having failed in every aspect of their mission but still continuing to GET WORK.

INT. EXPENDABLES HANGAR

ANDY GARCIA enters with MEGAN FOX and LEVY TRAN.

ANDY GARCIA

Statham, you’re fired! Only you I guess, for not following orders! And not Dolph Lundgren for missing a stationary target twice!

JASON STATHAM

Oi, I don’t care at all, I’ll just get a job as a bodyguard for whatever target demographic the filmmakers openly despise, like some Gen-Zer who doesn’t know how to write cursive or something.

(leaves)

ANDY GARCIA

And fire up those Sennheisers all you YouTube ragebait grifters because I’m putting a GIRL in charge!

MEGAN FOX

That’s right! Remember me? I left movies for just long enough that people started to feel bad about how Michael Bay treated me, but I’ve aged into my plastic surgery now and I’m back to remind everyone that I also always sucked at acting too!

LEVY TRAN

And I’m here to also be female and do that thing all women do in action movies where I wrap my legs around a guy’s face and just sort of spin around him until he flips over by his neck, we ALL do this even in woke-ass Marvel shit.

ANDY GARCIA

Now that Statham is gone, the team can finally complete the mission: you must identify and stop Ocelot, the shadowy villain pulling the strings!

MEGAN FOX

It’s you, isn’t it?

ANDY GARCIA

What? No. Why would you think that?

MEGAN FOX

Well what’s the point of hiding Ocelot’s identity? It would be all over the posters and trailer if it was a cool cameo like Michael Jai White or Linda Hamilton or Donnie Yen or Jackie Chan or Chow Yun-fat or Stephen Lang or Mr. T or Hulk Hogan or Brock Lensar or Pierce Brosnan or Sigourney Weaver or Nicolas Cage or John Travolta or Martin Kove or Jean Reno or Liam Neeson or Paul Wight or Maggie Q or Danny Trejo or Clive Owen or Franco Nero or Michelle Yeoh or Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa or Don Johnson or Collin Chou or Conor McGregor or Tito Ortiz or Michael Dudikoff or Cynthia Rothrock or John Cena or Benico Del Toro or Vincent D'Onofrio or Vinnie Jones or Christian Slater or Mike Tyson or Tom Berenger or Brigitte Nielsen or Henry Winkler or Danny Glover or Gerard Butler or Tommy Lee Jones or Sean Bean or Sean Penn or Gary Oldman or Denzel Washington or Jon Voight or Brendan Fraser or Salma Hayek or Kevin Sorbo or Gina Curano or Lou Ferrigno or Dennis Quaid or Michelle Rodriguez or Robert Patrick or Michael Chiklis or Eva Mendes or Ron Perlman or Tom Selleck or Catherine Zeta-Jones or John Malkovich or Cuba Gooding Jr. or Kiefer Sutherland or Milla Jovovich or Clint Eastwood. So it’s you.

ANDY GARCIA

Uh, no? Maybe it’s you. There’s no way all three men who wrote this movie could pass up a duplicitous woman cliche.

MEGAN FOX

Andy, Relax. We’re still gonna do the mission, it’s either doing this or recording even more of the worst voice acting in Mortal Kombat.

RONDA ROUSEY

Hey, I resent that!

(not actually in this one)

INT. MEGAN FOX’S HOUSE

MEGAN FOX is preparing for the mission when JASON STATHAM enters.

JASON STATHAM

Megan. I know I said I didn’t care about anything but I lied...

MEGAN FOX

Awww, you really do lov--

JASON STATHAM

...because I just miss Stallone so much, which is why I need to figure out who Ocelot is.

MEGAN FOX

Oh. It’s Andy Garcia.

JASON STATHAM

Obviously. But we’re pretending nobody knows that yet. Look, I got fired from my job as a bodyguard for an Instagram influencer because he kept talking about performing oral sex on women, which I found disrespectful so I beat him up. I had no choice but to come here and drop non-stop sexual innuendoes mixed with physical violence before performing oral sex on you, respectfully.

They FIGHT and then FIGHT-FUCK and then FUCK-FIGHT and then FUCK and it’s all extremely RAPEY. Nobody likes this and we should keep an eye on DIRECTOR SCOTT WAUGH.

MEGAN FOX

(has so many orgasms)

Great job, now nobody will accidentally think you’re gay for Stallone and people might not even notice you’re 18 years older than me, gross. Here’s the file on Ocelot. The rest of the Expendables are heading out tomorrow morning so make sure you show up by the third act to rescue us since the team has been whittled down to exactly zero classic action movie stars other than John Thundergun over here.

JASON STATHAM

Will do. First I’m going to recruit Tony Jaa to this movie and do fuck-all with that.

EXT. THAILAND - BOATYARD

JASON STATHAM approaches A COMPLETELY RANDOM UNIMPORTANT DOCKWORKER played by TONY JAA.

JASON STATHAM

I’m looking for a man named Tony. He knew Sylvester Stallone, which will obligate him to help me avenge him.

TONY JAA

Nobody here by that name, don’t know who that could be.

(pause)

Okay it’s me, how can I help you?

JASON STATHAM

There’s a bad man who is going to detonate a nuclear weapon near Russia and start World War III. Yes, we were already in production before Russia invaded Ukraine and editing is expensive so fuck it.

TONY JAA

I’d love to help but I’ve only got this primitive wooden dork-ass fishing boat, it’ll take us forever to get to the big strong advanced American aircraft carrier with your bomb.

JASON STATHAM

That’ll give us plenty of time to think of idiotic ways to spell the titles of sequels. Alright, I’ve got Expendable5, Expenda6les, Expendab7es, Expend8bles, Exp9ndables, eXpendables, and Expendab11es so far, any ideas for 12?

INT. NUCLEAR SHIP

The REMAINDABLES sneak onto the NUCLEAR SHIP.

MEGAN FOX

Alright, here’s the plan. Dolph, continue drawing attention to how elderly you are. Jacob, I’m going to need you to pee on something because you keep talking about golden showers and we’re really trying to hijack that search term away from Trump. 50 Cent, I need you to oops we got caught.

IKO UWAIS

That’s right, expendumbles. Someone on your team is a traitor and ratted you out!

50 CENT

Man, snitches get stitches. Actually, can someone else say this line? I’m not sure if they knew when they wrote it that it was going to be spoken by 50 Cent of all people, that’s like Stallone making a botox crack.

JASON and TONY arrive to rescue the GREAT VALUE EXPENDABLES.

MEGAN FOX

Jason! You rescued us using your infamous motorcycle-mounted-guns, what a great choice for this ship with very little motorcycle runway that requires adjusting an entire motorcycle in order to aim!

JASON STATHAM

You’re welcome. Now get out of here and get to safety. That’s right, just go ahead and abandon this mission that stands been a maniac and nuclear annihilation in order to save yourselves. That’s a sensible thing to do for a group of brave and daring hired mercenaries.

MEGAN FOX

Sounds good, literally nobody likes any of our characters anyway and every moment we’re on screen is torture for everyone in the audience who still watches these things to unwind after a long day of divorce proceedings.

(ejects self from movie)

TONY JAA

Alright, so now it’s just me and you, Jason. Let’s team up to kick Iko’s ass.

JASON STATHAM

Oh, no. You’re leaving too. I was told this was a Jason Statham vehicle and if there’s one thing Jason Statham loves, it’s vehicles.

TONY leaves, narrowly avoiding making another TRIPLE THREAT.

IKO UWAIS

Aw, it’s Statham who gets to fight me to death? I was kinda hoping for another sex fight with Megan, boo this sucks.

(is axe murdered)

ANDY GARCIA

Well, well, well. Turns out, I’m actually Ocelot. I’ll pause to let everyone in the audience gasp. Oh, looks like the theater is nearly empty and everyone left fell asleep so I’ll just keep going. Anyway yes, it’s me.

JASON STATHAM

Tell me one good reason I shouldn’t fire my rocket launcher right into your face, other than that it’s beyond our effects budget.

ANDY GARCIA

Gladly. I hold in my hand the control to the nuke, the one thing that gives me leverage in this situation. Now watch me toss it overboard for some reason.

JASON STATHAM

Well, looks like you’re all alone and powerless now. So if hypothetically someone were just offscreen with an attack helicopter that nobody can hear, now would be the perfect time to fire it. And definitely not after I walk all the way down there and stand 2 feet away from you, which would needlessly risk me getting shot with bullets designed to destroy vehicles.

(pause)

No? Okay, so that’s definitely not happening, fistfight it is.

JASON squares up against ANDY but suddenly SYLVESTER STALLONE shows up and liquifies ANDY’S BODY.

JASON STATHAM

God dammit, I knew it. Well, here’s your ring back, please put it directly on your ring finger so that it looks like I’m proposing to you.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I had to wait until you drew out Ocelot, which happened thirty minutes ago. Now, we need to sink this ship so the nuke explodes underwater. It’s an enormous aircraft carrier so it’ll probably take a few hours to sink.

JASON STATHAM

The bomb detonates in 59 seconds.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Plenty of time, I hate physics almost as much as I hate getting consent.

They destroy the ship and it teleports to the bottom of the ocean just in the nick of time.

JASON STATHAM

So if you’re alive, whose body was burned earlier?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Oh, remember the guy who beat me in thumb wrestling? Well after you knocked him out, I tied him up and put him on my plane so that he’d wake up just in time to see himself plummeting to earth helplessly just before exploding in a blazing inferno! Isn’t that hilarious? And again, we went out of our way to establish the only thing this guy did wrong was accept a bet that I made and lost.

INT. BAR

STALLONE, STATHAM, and the FORGETTABLES are all celebrating a job well done by only two of them.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Sorry for pretending I was dead, but if it’s any consolation I don’t know who any of you are and I don’t care about you.

JASON STATHAM

(holding up drink)

Here’s to preventing a deadly and lengthy war with Russia oh my god this aged so badly.

MEGAN FOX

(nipping out in a white tank, why not)

Cheers! Whatever it was about you that made me so angry earlier now makes me love you even more, now stick your tongue down my throat you bald bastard.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Vile! For once I’m glad I can’t see anything, har har har.

JACOB SCIPIO

Hey if you two need anyone to give you a golden shower just let me know, we’re insisting on making this running gag work.

LEVY TRAN

And cheers to 50 Cent, who finally made a noteworthy impact in movies this year... when a cover of his song became the theme to Anatomy of a Fall!

50 CENT

You can find me in a flick, like a major piece of shit,

Look, mami, I got the script if you like jokes about piss,

I'm into makin' hits, but I must settle for this,

So come and watch my schtick if you wanna see a grift,

You can't find me doing rap, now I'm only making trash,

Look, mami, I'm fighting bad with a cast older than dad

I'm into films by hacks, series peaked 2 sequels back,

So come give me your cash if you're into smelly ass.

Oh, and RANDY COTURE was in the movie the entire time.

END