FADE IN:

INT. DRUG LORD MANSION

RANDOM DRUG LORD

Ah, nothing like a good swim to clear your head after a solid day of gunning down orphans. Hey, there's something shiny at the bottom of the pool. I must see what it is.

JASON STATHAM

Surprise, it's me in a camouflaged wetsuit, waiting to assassinate you!

(kills drug lord)

Hee hee, chalk up another clever, stealthy kill for... The Mechanic!

AUDIENCE

But if you're awesome enough to smuggle an entire set of scuba gear into this guarded compound and wait in his pool for God knows how long, couldn't you have come up with a less convoluted plan than that?

JASON STATHAM

Look, this is the 46,893rd movie in history to begin with the lead actor completing an assignment to kill some random bad guy. I had to be at least a LITTLE bit original. Now for my exciting getaway!

AUDIENCE

True, it should be fun to see how he evades those dozens of guards.

JASON CHANGES into NEW CLOTHES and walks past the ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD STAFF. Then he CHANGES AGAIN into his MAGICAL TELEPORTING CLOTHES and instantly appears on a GRAVEL ROAD THIRTY MILES AWAY.

JASON STATHAM

Ta-da!

AUDIENCE

Huh? That was boring as fuck!

JASON STATHAM

Now that there's not a single enemy in sight and I could easily walk to safety, I will jump off this bridge and hitch a ride on a passing boat, for no reason at all!

(does so)

It's all another day at the office for.... The Mechanic!

AUDIENCE

And about as thrilling as another day at the office, too. I guess it is possible for movie assassins to be TOO good at their job.

CUT TO:

INT. JASON STATHAM'S CRAZY EXPENSIVE HOUSE

JASON begins what is quite obviously his POST-ASSASSINATION RITUAL.

JASON STATHAM

But not obvious enough, evidently, because someone in post-production has decided to LITERALLY copy and paste some dialogue I have later in the film on top of this scene, for the benefit of anyone who is either clinically brain-dead, or [insert name of group of people you despise here].

We see on his BIG BOARD OF WHACK-A-DUDE that the precise timing of the river boat was CRUCIAL to the plan, because if there's one thing that is as exact as an atomic clock, it's a goddamn SHIPPING SCHEDULE.

JASON STATHAM

Now, as I tidy up and prepare my next job, I will start listening to my favourite music on this turntable and then wander off, which we'll learn at the end is INCREDIBLY STUPID OF ME.

CUT TO:

EXT. RUN-DOWN DOCKYARD

JASON STATHAM

Hello, random black friend.

RANDOM BLACK FRIEND

Hey.

JASON STATHAM

(to audience)

Don't forget this scene!

CUT TO:

EXT. HITMAN RENDEZVOUS POINT

TONY GOLDWYN

I have a job for you, Jason. Someone in our hitman company is even more evil than the rest of us, and got an entire team of your colleagues killed. We believe that the traitor is your soft, cuddly mentor, Donald Sutherland.

JASON STATHAM

Are you sure?

TONY GOLDWYN

(twirling giant handlebar moustache)

Absolutely, nyah ha ha.

(ties silent-film actress to railroad tracks)

JASON STATHAM

It's just so hard to believe that that kind, fuzzy Canadian assassin, who taught me everything I know and is like a father-figure to me, could be evil.

TONY GOLDWYN

(foreclosing on elderly Katrina victim's house)

Well the evidence shows it had to have been either him or me. So the only other explanation is that somehow I'M evil, but that idea's so preposterous it's barely worth mentioning.

(stabs baby)

JASON STATHAM

Then I suppose I must accept this difficult assignment.

(aside)

Today's a hard day to be.... The Mechanic.

CUT TO:

INT. PARKING GARAGE

DONALD SUTHERLAND arrives in a WHEELCHAIR to meet JASON.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

So Jason, you wanted to talk about something?

JASON STATHAM

To be honest, I'm here not so much to talk 'about' as talk 'at' something. And not so much 'talk' as 'shoot'. And not so much 'something' as 'your face'.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

I see, you blame me for that team that got killed. Guess this would be a good time to explain how I'm innocent of that.

JASON STATHAM

Sure would be.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Yeah, I could defuse the entire remainder of the plot with one simple line of dialogue.

JASON STATHAM

You could at that.

DONALD SUTHERLAND

Don't think I will, though. If I know Ben Foster he's already worked up an entire character backstory and will be all intense about it, and I wouldn't want all that prep work to go to waste.

JASON STATHAM

Fair enough.

(shoots Donald)

That was one of the toughest assignments ever for... The Mechanic. Now to gather some incriminating evidence for my collection.

(takes Donald's gun, on which is engraved, "I KILLED DONALD SUTHERLAND")

Perfect.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETARY

BEN FOSTER and JASON STATHAM pay their respects.

BEN FOSTER

I dunno what to do, Jason. Since my movie dad Donald Sutherland was killed by some unknown person, I've become a raging alcoholic wreck.

JASON STATHAM

How about in a matter of days I transform you from a lifelong delinquent into a professional assassin. Sound good?

BEN FOSTER

Yeah, it does. Totally pre-fucking-posterous, but good.

JASON STATHAM

All right, then, come live with me and I'll train you. I have just one condition, which is to never stumble across the incriminating evidence I've left lying on an open shelf in my garage that has no door.

BEN FOSTER

I'll try my best.

JASON STATHAM

And don't set off any of my ludicrous booby-traps until the plot requires you to.

BEN FOSTER

Got it.

JASON STATHAM

This is gonna go great!

CUT TO:

INT. JASON'S CRAZY EXPENSIVE HOUSE

JASON STATHAM

At long last you have completed your ten minutes of assassin training. It is time for you to take on your first assignment.

BEN FOSTER

I presume you've selected a reasonably low-level target for me?

JASON STATHAM

If by that you mean sending you to kill a hitman who has a reputation for eating other hitmen for breakfast and who outweighs you by at least five to one, then yes.

CUT TO:

INT. DIFFERENT CRAZY EXPENSIVE HOUSE

BEN FOSTER

Thanks for inviting me back to your place, gigantic hitman guy. So, er, I guess you're expecting to have sex now, which I'll go along with long enough to get the drop on you, as per Jason's plan.

(pause)

And when I said "get the drop on you" just now, I should explain that what I actually meant was...

GIGANTIC HITMAN GUY

Wait, you think I'M gay? Jason Statham told me YOU were gay and I should have sex with YOU to get you off-guard. And come to think of it, a guy who looks a lot like Jason Statham came by to fix the security cameras this afternoon, only he just put zoom lenses on everything. And he gave me these Barry White CDs.

(awkward pause)

BEN FOSTER

Well let's just try and kill each other then.

They FIGHT and PUNCH and BEAT UP and STAB and PUMMEL THE LIVING SHIT out of each other until they DESTROY THE WHOLE GODDAMN HOUSE and are SOAKED IN BLOOD and GIGANTIC HITMAN GUY is finally dead.

CUT TO:

INT. JASON'S CRAZY EXPENSIVE HOUSE

JASON STATHAM

Dammit, Ben, I told you to keep it simple. Now you've left a huge blood-soaked trail of evidence and witnesses, all of which can link you to the dead guy.

BEN FOSTER

Sorry, Jason. Are we going to deal with the consequences of all that, or is it going to come back and haunt us later?

JASON STATHAM

Strangely, neither. Instead we're going to move on to our next assignment and never refer to that one again. Would you mind spinning the Big Wheel of Movie Stereotype Targets for me?

BEN FOSTER

(obliging)

Ooh, it's landed on "Ugly Fat Cult Leader Who Uses His Authority to Have Sex With his Young Followers"!

JASON STATHAM

That looks like a job for... The Mechanic.

(pause)

And the Mechanic's Apprentice.

(to BEN)

That's you.

BEN FOSTER

(distracted)

Hm, what? I was trying to think of a codename for this target. What do you think of [insert name of political figure you hate here]?

CUT TO:

INT. UGLY FAT CULT LEADER'S HOTEL SUITE

UGLY FAT CULT LEADER

Ah, I can't wait to commit all that rape, both statutory and otherwise, that I have planned for today.

(pause)

If you're there, Jason, I believe I've earned the audience's hatred, you can come kill me now.

JASON and BEN burst in from behind a WALL-MOUNTED MIRROR!

JASON STATHAM

Quick, Ben, inject him with the fake-heart-attack syringe!

BEN FOSTER

I don't know why you don't just kill everyone with this thing.

BEN injects the CULT LEADER. Then they hear APPROACHING GUARDS and get back in the WALL.

HEAD GUARD

Hey, Ugly Fat Cult Leader is dead! Everyone stand still and scan the carpet carefully, just in case he was killed by ant-sized hitmen!

BEN FOSTER accidentally drops the WORLD'S ABSOLUTELY SMALLEST TEENY-TINY BOLT and it GENTLY FALLS out the BOTTOM of the WALL onto the SOFT RUG that is BASICALLY THE SAME COLOUR.

HEAD GUARD

(peering through microscope)

THERE THEY ARE!! GET'EM!!!

JASON and BEN dodge 20,000 BULLETS while being STUCK IN A WALL. Eventually they make their way out and reach the ROOF.

JASON STATHAM

Only one way out of here, which is to coolly rappel down the side of the building in a manner befitting a professional assassin.

BEN FOSTER

OR, we could rappel crazily down the side of the building like a total spaz, as I shall now demonstrate! BWAAAAAGHGHAGHH!!!!!

JASON STATHAM

Christ's sake, Ben, we spent 20 whole seconds of your training on how to rappel properly. That does it, we're taking separate flights back.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT

JASON STATHAM

Lum tee tum. Nothing to do but stare at random passersby...

(fourth left upper eyelash twitches in utter shock)

...holy crap, that guy over there is one of the supposedly dead hit squad!

(races over)

SUPPOSEDLY DEAD HITMAN GUY

Whaaa, how did you spot me?!? Was it because I have the exact same glasses and haircut and jacket as I did in the photo of my faked death? Damn, I thought the double-bluff reverse disguise trick would work.

JASON STATHAM

You've got to work a lot harder to fool... The Mechanic.

SUPPOSEDLY DEAD HITMAN GUY

Why do you keep doing that?

JASON STATHAM

Tell me why you betrayed Donald Sutherland and I'll answer your question. Except not so much "answer" as "pulverize" and not so much "question" as "entire fucking head"

SUPPOSEDLY DEAD HITMAN GUY

Okay, wait while I mentally reconstruct the sentence with those substitutions...

JASON STATHAM

Fuck this!

(kills him)

CUT TO:

EXT. THE RUN-DOWN DOCKYARD FROM BEFORE

JASON STATHAM

Oh my God, my random black friend is dead, nooooooo.

(to audience)

Hope you all remembered that earlier scene. Anyway...

(phones BEN)

Ben, I have deduced that Tony Goldwyn is evil, and I think he's going to try to kill us.

BEN FOSTER

(over phone)

Yeah, I was tipped off too, by the swarm of assassins that are surrounding me right now. Luckily they waited to kill me until you could phone and warn me about it.

JASON STATHAM

I assume you've worked your way over to the hidden weapon that I'm only just now telling you even exists?

BEN FOSTER

You know it!

(kills enemy hitmen)

CUT TO:

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

JASON and BEN BARGE IN and take a FAMILY HOSTAGE.

JASON STATHAM

All right, fuckface, I know you know where Tony Goldwyn is. Tell me or I stuff your teenage daughter's hand down the garburator.

BEN FOSTER

So Tony's location is a secret, but the home address of the guy who knows it, isn't? Your hitman organization really sucks.

SUBURBAN GUY

No, I won't tell you! I think you're bluffing!

JASON TOTALLY STUFFS THE DAUGHTER'S HAND IN THE GARBURATOR!!! BLOOD FLIES EVERYWHERE!!

SUBURBAN GUY

JESUS FUCK!

(gives information)

JASON reveals the DAUGHTER is TOTALLY OKAY!

JASON STATHAM

Ha ha, I fooled you with this hand-sized raw steak that was holding 13 litres of blood, and which I have a copy of to show you, in order to illustrate my deception.

SUBURBAN GUY

Wha? That came literally out of fucking nowhere! In fact, the counter's otherwise bare, we're vegan, and mad cow disease wiped out every source of steak for miles around, just last month! Where the hell did you get that?

JASON STATHAM

Actually I carved it off from.... YOUR FATHER'S LEG!

(holds up freshly severed leg)

SUBURBAN GUY

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

JASON STATHAM

Ah ha, gotcha again. This is a DINOSAUR leg.

SUBURBAN GUY

(nearly catatonic from shock)

...and you have that, how...?

BEN FOSTER

Christ, does he have to spell out EVERYTHING!? Let's get going.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE JASON STATHAM'S HOUSE

JASON STATHAM

I thought I'd work on the classic car in my garage while devising a plan to get Tony Goldwyn. It helps me think, and also helps justify my title of...

BEN FOSTER

Hey, what's this incriminating evidence on this open shelf here?

JASON STATHAM

(not listening)

...the Mechanic. Sorry, what was that?

BEN FOSTER

Hm? Oh, nothing that belonged to Donald Sutherland, that's for sure. C'mon, let's go get Tony Goldwyn.

JASON STATHAM

Good idea. Time to wow the audience with the thrilling showdown between an evil corporate suit who's demonstrated no ability to fight, along with his cannon-fodder guards, against not one but TWO hitmen who have been shown to have practically supernatural hitman powers.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREETS

TONY GOLDWYN

Surely all my guards and cars will keep me safe.

JASON and BEN SHRUG THEIR SHOULDERS, KILLING all the GUARDS and THROWING AROUND all the CARS as if they weighed FIVE POUNDS EACH.

TONY GOLDWYN

(bleeding, pinned to ground by car)

Guess not.

(struggles)

Oh sure, NOW the car is all heavy.

JASON and BEN proceed to LITERALLY EMPTY TWO FULL UZI CLIPS into TONY GOLDWYN. They ALSO SHOOT all the BLOOD SPATTER as it flies towards them so NO BLOOD GETS ON ANYTHING.

JASON STATHAM

Well that takes care of that. Let's go gas up our truck and go home.

BEN FOSTER

Pretty brilliant plan where we fill the tank AFTER instigating an enormous shootout, and not before.

CUT TO:

EXT. GAS STATION

BEN FOSTER

Jason, because of how you've helped me, I feel you deserve to have the truth subtly hinted at in your general direction. I'm now going to imply that I know you killed Donald Sutherland. Surprised?

JASON STATHAM

It's not as surprising as the discovery that I can actually hold my own in an acting scene with you. And let me imply back that I caught your implication, and will implicitly accept whatever punishment from you that you feel is fair, on account of my implied regret.

BEN FOSTER

Very well. Allow me to suggest with a simple look that before going inside to buy snacks, I will rig the truck to explode, with you in it, which I feel safe implying since I realize your hitman honour will compel you to stay.

JASON STATHAM

Just so. Permit me in turn to imply that I would have asked for some Doritos, if I did not inwardly understand I won't be alive to eat them.

BEN FOSTER

I silently convey to you that I shall munch them myself, in tribute to your memory.

JASON STATHAM

Inside my soulful look of rueful resignation is the subliminal message that I prefer Spicy Nacho flavour.

BEN nods solemnly, then rigs the TRUCK to explode, and EXPLODES IT!

CUT TO:

INT. JASON'S CRAZY EXPENSIVE HOUSE

BEN FOSTER enters, goes to the TURNTABLE and puts on a record.

BEN FOSTER

Ah, bittersweet vengeance is mine, yet it has come at a high cost. But now, as I listen to this mournful music that echoes my own pain and loss, I realize that I shall use these tragic experiences to help shape my new life, and my new identity, as.... the Transporter.

JASON STATHAM

(suddenly appearing on videoscreen)

Ben, what the fuck?!?!?

BEN FOSTER

Huh? Isn't this Transporter 4?

JASON STATHAM

(in old film projected on wall)

No, it's The Mechanic, you idiot!! Why d'you think I was saying The Mechanic every other scene?!

BEN FOSTER

You were? Huh. I did wonder why people were calling you Arthur and not Frank. Thought maybe you were undercover.

JASON STATHAM

(on audiotape delivered moments before by carrier pidgeon)

For fuck's sake! Well, the hell with you, just for that, I'm changing the ending! First off, I jumped to safety at the last instant, so there! Secondly, my turntable explodes now when you play music on it!

The TURNTABLE EXPLODES!!

BEN FOSTER

Okay, geez, I'll just take your vintage car and go.

(begins driving off)

JASON STATHAM

(over car radio)

Oh really. Why not read the letter I left there?

BEN FOSTER

Fine, I will.

JASON STATHAM'S LETTER

Third, now the car also explodes, because fuck you, that's why!

The VINTAGE CAR EXPLODES!

BEN FOSTER

(exploding)

BUT I THOUGHT WE HAD A REALLY POIGNANT ENDING GOING FOR A MOMENT THERRAAARRRRRGHGHGH!!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERTED GRAVEL ROAD

JASON STATHAM is standing in the middle of nowhere next to his NEW TRUCK.

JASON STATHAM

I mentally sense that Ben Foster has just exploded. Guess I can stop standing around by a field for no reason. Now, it's onward to the new adventures of... The Mechanic!

(drives off)

MECHANIC 2: CRUISE CONTROL and MECHANIC 3: TOKYO DRIFT go STRAIGHT TO DVD, except in FRANCE where they SHATTER BOX-OFFICE RECORDS because, y'know, FRANCE.

END