FADE IN:

EXT. OKLAHOMA - AN OPEN FEILD

A HAROLD RAMIS-LOOKING FIGURE is chased by a SPECTRAL ENTITY.

SPECTRAL ENTITY

Stop hiding in the shadows and show yourself. It's very obvious you're Egon Spengler!

HAROLD RAMIS-LIKE FIGURE

Do we look like we have Marvel/Disney money to realistically recreate a late actor? Fuck that. My face is staying in the shadows. Now, I seem to have caught one of your ghost friends in my trap!

SPECTRAL ENTITY

How the hell does your crusty, old ghost trap from the '80s still function?

HAROLD RAMIS-LIKE FIGURE

What? My microwave from the '80s still works! It's not like this shit was made by Apple. Now, get ready for your doom, you supernatural jerk!

He flips a switch to spring an even BIGGER TRAP but it FAILS! He runs into the house.

HAROLD RAMIS-LIKE FIGURE

Oh no, I'm sitting in an arm chair with a ghost behind me. Clearly it's going to do the "grab me from inside the couch" bit!

(pause)

You're not gonna grope me, are you?

This is unclear. What we do know, however, is that the HAROLD FIGURE dies.

EXT. NEW YORK, I THINK...?

CARRIE COON lives in her SHITTY APARTMENT with her dorky teenage kids, FINN WOLFHARD and MCKENNA GRACE.

MCKENNA GRACE

Sheesh, am I not the busiest child actor in America right now?

FINN WOLFHARD

One of them, yeah. But sorry sis, you're too much of a weirdo loser. And please don't plague this movie with your silly dad jokes.

CARRIE COON

It's inevitable. But cheer up kids, the Ghostbusters are back! Aren't we excited?

FINN WOLFHARD

Ehhh...

MCKENNA GRACE

Yes, I agree with Finn, mother. When it comes to the magic of seeing the Ghostbusters on screen again, don't you think it's a bit ruined by the reboot in 2016-

CARRIE COON

Ep bep BEP! There will be no talk of that massive headache from five years ago. We've all moved on.

ASSHOLE LANDLORD

Speaking of moving on, y'all better be movin' on outta this apartment. I'm evicting your asses! Haha!

MCKENNA GRACE

Oh no, how unfortunate. Would it be a good time to ask about the whereabouts of our father? Just out of curiosity.

CARRIE COON

Your GRANDFATHER? He's the worst, child abandoning, piece of shit ever!

FINN WOLFHARD

No, our FATHER. Where is he? Is he dead? Or..?

CARRIE COON

Your GRANDFATHER ruined my life! And he straightened my slinky! I hope I never see his deadbeat, tall hair-having ass again! Now, I will continue to drink a ton of alcohol and pass out in front of my children!

FINN WOLFHARD

This is meant to be funny but it's actually rather sad.

EXT. NOWHERESVILLE, OKLAHOMA

CARRIE and the kids learn that her father, a.k.a. their grandfather has died. They go check out the house he lived in, which turns out to be the HAROLD FIGURE'S house!

ANNIE POTTS

Hey kids, I was an old friend of your grandad's. And by "old friend" I mean, I used to bang him on top of the mold spores until the Bunson burners went out. That is, until I moved on to another nerd in the sequel.

CARRIE COON

Well, I may have hated my father, but at least he left us a house. It could get us out of the dire straits, and it's the least he can do for abandoning his family.

ANNIE POTTS

Oh, I also did his bills for some reason. Not only is this house worthless, but he's saddled you with a massive amount of debt.

CARRIE COON

MOTHHHERRRRRRFUCKKKKKKKKERRRRRRR.

(drinks more probably)

FINN WOLFHARD

Oh look, there's an old ambulance in the garage with a cartoon "no ghost" symbol. Seems like our old friend nostalgia will be dropping by a lot.

ANNIE POTTS

Yep. But don't worry, he will definitely allow you to have this "forge your own identity" party you're trying to throw, and will definitely not take over the whole thing.

INT. GENERICNAMETOWN, OKLAHOMA

FINN gets a job at a burger joint. He tries to impress a cute girl, CELESTE O'CONNOR, by almost dying of HYPOTHERMIA. Meanwhile, MCKENNA goes to summer school and meets her teacher, PAUL RUDD.

PAUL RUDD

Hello class! I'm a seismologist monitoring the unusual earthquakes we've been experiencing in this town over the past few years, and I couldn't give a shit about teaching. Let me play the movie Cujo for the other nobodies in class while I only interact with a few select kids.

LOGAN KIM

Hi Mckenna, want to be friends? I'm a surprisingly charismatic little actor, and I also do a podcast about the supernatural. So obviously, I call myself "Podcast."

MCKENNA GRACE

Lol why? Do 12-year-olds nickname themselves after the thing they do all day? Was "Roblox" taken?

LOGAN KIM

Whatever. Let me show you around town and tell you about the conspiracies I believe in, like aliens and the illuminati!

MCKENNA GRACE

There's a good chance you'll become a future QAnoner, but what the hell? I have no friends anyway.

LOGAN shows MCKENNA an OLD MINE with sculptures of familiar terror dog-like things! Meanwhile, FINN fixes up ECTO-1!

NOSTALGIA

(bursts through the door blasting Pink's "Get This Party Started")

Let's fucking goooooo! First round of Jager Bombs on me!

FINN WOLFHARD

Dude, you need to chill out. I thought you were going to allow us to do our own thing? Just pace yourself.

NOSTALGIA

Alright, alright. But hey, let me at least stick around and have a beer or two. Nothing crazy, I promise!

FINN WOLFHARD

Sure, I guess so...

INT. 1980S SUMMER SCHOOL

MCKENNA finds HAROLD'S TRAP hidden under his game of FLOOR TETRIS and brings it to school. MCKENNA, LOGAN, and PAUL openly chat in front of a classroom of kids who are CLEARLY WATCHING A MOVIE.

PAUL RUDD

Woah, cool Ghostbusters incense burner. I could use some aromatherapy, wait... this isn't incense, it's a real ghost leaking out! Holy fuck, it's a real ghostbusters trap? Let's open it!

MCKENNA GRACE

Why? You're the one who convinces us that ghosts are real, and thanks to the Ghostbusters, there hasn't been a ghost sighting since the '80s. Are you willing to expose the world to a ghosts again?

PAUL RUDD

Yes. Kids in movies today don't have the same sense of fear, wonder, and amazement like they used to, so now I have to do it!

They let a ghost loose! It heads over to the old mine where FINN, CELESTE, and their DUMBASS FRIENDS hang out.

CELESTE O'CONNOR

Wtf! We come here all the time and we've never seen a smokey presence saying the word "Gozer" before.

DUMBASS FRIENDS

Something just blasted out of the mine! Hurr hurr that was awesome dude! Let's forget about it immediately and go about whatever bullshit we were doing before!

CELESTE O'CONNOR

Wow, Paul was right.

INT. THE DIRT FARM

Everyone figures out how to process the fact that they're related to a GHOSTBUSTER.

PAUL RUDD

Carrie, I'm fascinated with your dad's old junk. And you claim you hate science, but here you are, attracted to a science nerd spewing science stuff! Aren't we cute?

CARRIE COON

My dialogue mainly consists of talking about how sad, awkward, and miserable I am. Isn't that funny?

LOGAN KIM

(Podcasting)

Hour 3 at the Dirt Farm. Will Paul and Carrie play a game of "Keymaster/Gatekeeper"? That's clearly where this is going.

MCKENNA GRACE

Nevermind that. I actually met my grandfather last night. His spirit pretended to be the Pixar lamp for a while, then showed me how to build his proton pack!

LOGAN KIM

WOAH! You learned the proton pack? Did he teach you the slime blower too?

MCKENNA GRACE

Ep bep Bep! None of that. Now, lets catch this random ghost that appeared!

The kids drive ECTO-1 and chase MUNCHER, who is basically a variation of SLIMER.

INT. JAIL

The kids get BUSTED for destroying THE EMPTIEST TOWN EVER. MCKENNA wants to use her one phone call.

NOSTALGIA

(4 beers in)

Oooh, saaayyy it. Make the police chief say, "who ya gonna call?" And make sure you do a big close up of his mouth when he says it. Just like the close ups we did when we first saw the proton pack!

FINN WOLFHARD

Dude, come oooonnnn! You don't have to lay this on so thick!

MCKENNA calls... DAN AYKROYD!

DAN AYKROYD

(Answering)

Ray's Occult.

MCKENNA GRACE

Ray's Occult? So Ghostbusters 2 is canon! You'd never know it.

DAN AYKROYD

My business is clearly not doing well, but I'm going to be a dick to whoever calls my store anyway.

MCKENNA GRACE

My name is Mckenna, and I'm calling about Harold. I don't mention my relationship to him until the very end of the conversation, so you're oddly spilling your guts to a strange kid.

DAN AYKROYD

Harold, eh? Yeah, I remember him. He kept rambling on about Shandor and how Gozer was coming back and I told him he was nuts.

MCKENNA GRACE

WTF? That doesn't track at all! Egon was the science dude and you were the one who believed everything because of your love for the paranormal! You're telling me Egon figured out that Shandor built another structure to bring back Gozer, and what, you lost interest?

DAN AYKROYD

I guess. Then one day he stole all our equipment and never told us where he went. Until 10 years later when he called, telling us where he went. I guess I never bothered to check it out either.

MCKENNA GRACE

This is bull!

DAN AYKROYD

LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT. The actor died, of course his character has to be the big hero! Even if his story doesn't make sense.

INT. SHANDOR MINE - THE NEXT DAY

CELESTE tags along with the kids to the mine.

CELESTE O'CONNOR

I guess your mom doesn't think underage joyriding and destruction of property warrants a good grounding?

FINN WOLFHARD

Nope. Hey, this mine is a countdown! It labels all the years something terrible happened, including the ghost invasion of 1984! But, alas, not the slime takeover of 1989.

MCKENNA GRACE

And look here! There's a huge, ghostly Hell pit! Harold built a contraption to keep the ghosts at bay. That's what was causing the earthquakes! Grandfather was right!

LOGAN KIM

Ummm... Ivo Shandor's body is stragely sitting here in some magic, cryo chamber. Harold built this giant contraption with a dead body next to him? It's funny to think about.

Meanwhile, CARRIE and PAUL get possessed by Zuul and Vinz Clortho a.k.a. the terror dogs! We also get to see BABY STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MEN because everyone everywhere wants to try and replicate the MARKETING JACKPOT that was BABY YODA.

CARRIE COON

I will now magically rip off my clothes, revealing a sparkly, sexy dress. So THAT'S how Sigourney did it back in the day!

PAUL RUDD

Yes, the pressing question we all needed answered. But, hang on, did Zuul possess your body, then hit on a kid, in front of the other kids?

CARRIE COON

Yep. Kiiiiinda creepy, eh?

NOSTALGIA

(blasts Lil Jon's "Shots")

Who cares? YAY YAY YAY! MORE THINGS FROM THE PAST!!!!

(does five shots in a row)

FINN WOLFHARD

It's over, folks. Nostalgia is hammered and has officially taken over the party.

INT. SHANDOR MINE/DIRT FARM/COMPLETE RETREAD OF THE ORIGINAL MOVIE'S ENDING

CELESTE helps the kids get back Ecto-1 and the other gear from out of the EMPTIEST JAIL EVER.

LOGAN KIM

Alright, Carrie and Paul have already done the Doggy Style Deed, and completed the channeling-electricity-opening-the-gates-of-hell ritual thingy.

CELESTE O'CONNOR

But, oh no! Possessed-Paul broke Harold's contraption! The ghosts are flying out and terrorizing the people!

FINN WOLFHARD

Oh, NOW there are people in this town?

Out of the ghost pit, comes GOZER! As played by OLIVIA WILDE.

OLIVIA WILDE

It's about time I put these square facial features to work!

J.K. SIMMONS

(exists, for some reason)

Gozey Baby, it is I, Ivo Shandor. I've built this temple for you so you and I can rule the worl--

(Gets torn in half)

FINN WOLFHARD

Hahahaha cool cameo, dude. What was even the point?

The kids trap Zuul, which releases CARRIE, which then weakens OLIVIA. It was pretty easy to do, considering OLIVIA came through the GATES OF HELL only to LOUNGE AROUND AND SHIT.

MCKENNA GRACE

At least you all got to hear my dad jokes!

EXT. DIRT FARM

OLIVIA breaks the trap! Zuul escapes and possesses CELESTE!

FINN WOLFHARD

Oh Zuuly, you nut! Taking a page from R. Kelly's book, are ya? Stop going after teens, ya perv!

OLIVIA regenerates, STRONGER and ZAPPIER than ever. But, just as things look dire, they all hear a voice...

VOICE

Hey, Ziggy Stardust's aunt. Remember us?

It's BILL! And DAN! And ERNIE! They're here!

NOSTALGIA

(Has heart attack)

LOGAN KIM

How the FUCK did you guys get here? And where did you get the proton packs? I thought Harold cleaned you out! Were you waiting inside the house while we were all out here getting killed? There are so many questions.

BILL MURRAY

Quiet, you. We just popped in to make this finally feel like a real Ghostbusters movie. And of course we had to make some AARP jokes. Which, in our defense, were pretty funny.

ERNIE HUDSON

And doesn't the plucky original score make so much more sense, now that this movie resembles a comedy about 4 goofballs instead of a serious sci-fi film?

The OG crew LIGHT GOZER UP with their PROTON PACKS! OLIVIA and the audience GO WILDE! And NOSTALGIA takes one final JAGER BOMB and DRUNKENLY PASSES OUT IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE.

OLIVIA WILDE

Ha! There's only three of you. And I obviously remember this shit from last time, dumbasses!

OLIVIA UNCROSSES THE STREAMS! OOHHH NOOOOO!

DAN AYKROYD

We need a fourth proton pack! Also, Gozer's eyes are black now?

OLIVIA WILDE

I'm not putting those huge, red frisbee contacts in my eyes, okay? Fuck that.

MCKENNA grabs the fourth proton pack and DUKES IT OUT with OLIVIA, but she's too strong!

GHOST HAROLD

I gotchu, fam. I'm no longer a spirit that manipulates inanimate objects. I'm a force ghost now!

MCKENNA and GHOST HAROLD reunite with the OG GHOSTBUSTERS. They all beat GOZER again, and everyone is either covered in marshmallow and/or crawls out of a crusty dog, blah blah blah.

LOGAN KIM

I'm surprised Gozer didn't ask us to choose a destructor. It would have been fun if I had done the Ray Stanz thing where I accidentally conjured up something innocent, like a giant Minecraft pig or something.

FINN WOLFHARD

At least you had a task. I literally just sat here while everyone else fought something.

CELESTE O'CONNOR

Paul and I didn't really do much either, but hey, we got to make our love letter to Ghostbusters. Which is really all this movie was. And Carrie, now you see that your father loved you all along.

MCKENNA GRACE

Oh yeah, Mom, I forgot. Harold had his own Homer Simpson "Do it for her" mural of you in his office. Either him or I probably could have showed you that earlier in the movie.

CARRIE COON

I'm sorry, I'm just not buying this. He loved me but couldn't write one letter? A phone call? Anything? He obviously kept in touch with Annie, and phoned Ray that one time.

PAUL RUDD

Yeah, it's true. The guy went to Oklahoma, not the Quantum Realm.

FINN WOLFHARD

Are we also to believe that brainiac Egon didn't think to take a video of the hell pit and send it to everyone? Problem solved right there.

MCKENNA GRACE

Can you guys shut the fuck up and enjoy yourselves? Half the audience is tearing up at the sight of seeing the Ghostbusters on screen again for what is likely the last time. It's extremely touching, and luckily, we never reach the point of schmaltzy!

FINN WOLFHARD

That's debatable.

Everyone goes back to New York and get a proper Ghostbusters police escort. The credits roll and we see the name of SIGOURNEY WEAVER? Where the fuck was she?

SIGNOURNEY WEAVER

Here I am, in yet another mid credit scene. Not being in these movies is so disappointing, amiright?

RICK MORANIS

Yeah, I know what you mean.

END.

*R.I.P. Ivan Reitman*