FADE IN:

TITLE CARD: To maintain their stranglehold on the criminal underworld, the TRIAD created a group of anonymous shadowy ultra-fighters named the SIX SEAS. Now that sounds like a fun cool movie so we'll only meet ONE of them. Er, but there's another cool group called LOTUS which we won't introduce now, and there's other unaffiliated ultra-fighters later on... in fact you don't really need to worry about the SIX SEAS and now we kind of regret making a whole introductory title card about them.

EXT. BEACH - INDONESIA

A gang of TRIAD THUGS has brutally GUNNED DOWN an entire fishing village except for a VERY YOUNG GIRL.

YOUNG GIRL

Shit. Well we know how this goes, I guess I grow up into a hard-hearted killer bent on vengeance, maybe Julie Estelle is available?

JOE TARSIM

AARRGHH I CANNOT KILL THIS INNOCENT CHILD I MUST GUN DOWN MY FELLOW CRIMINALS INSTEEEAAAAD

YOUNG GIRL

Oh okay we're doing that version! At least now I get to stick around for the whole movie. Would still love to get Julie in on this...

(texts agent)

INT. CRAPARTMENT - JAKARTA

JOE takes the YOUNG GIRL back to the run-down apartment of his long-suffering girlfriend SALVITA DECORTE.

SALVITA DECORTE

What the hell were you thinking Joe?! Crossing the Triad?

JOE TASLIM

I had no choice dammit! Ruthless killer faced with an innocent waif right at the start of the story, you KNOW what that means! Transporter, Professional, Mandalorian, it doesn't matter, it's the rules!!

(sighs)

I know my actions have put everyone I know in mortal danger. But at least we're all expert fighters, versed in the lethal art of Silat, so...

SALVITA DECORTE

Uh, I'm not.

JOE TASLIM

You're NOT?! How the fuck did you get past casting? Holy shit you need to get FAAAAAAAAAAAR away from this whole movie PRONTO.

(shows clip of final fight)

SALVITA DECORTE

Right then.

(fucks off)

(boards one-way express flight to Mars)

JOE enlists the help of his old CRIMINAL GANG BUDDIES: ZACK "WILD EYES" LEE, ABIMANA ARYASATYA, and DIMAS ANGGARA.

JOE TASLIM

Ah, remember when we were all petty thugs, dealing cocaine and heroin, before I left to become a gangland assassin? Good times. Anyway as virtuous men of honour I charge you with helping me protect this child.

ABIMANA ARYASATYA

Indeed, verily! Now you'll need lots of cash to escape the country alive, but most of our cash is with our estranged ex-gang-buddy Revaldo. He insisted on the one-name thing and that's not how we roll.

JOE TASLIM

No problem, I'll just shake him down at his current business. What's he into these days? Butterfly collecting, custom down pillows, marshmallow farming?

ZACK LEE

(wild-eyed)

Close. He runs a butcher shop full of butcher knives and blades and hooks and power saws and crazed henchmen and shit. You should go alone while we all sit here.

JOE leaves his old crime associates to watch the child and HEADS OUT to get the CASH by ANY MEANS NECESSARY THOUGH IT WILL LIKELY INVOLVE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SILAT, I'M JUST SPITBALLING HERE

INT. NIGHTCLUB

But first we must introduce another of JOE'S old crime fam, IKO UWAIS! He is looking quite SHARP and EXPENSIVE, having decided to be the STATHAM to JOE'S ROCK.

DRUNK FUCK

Oh good evening, I thought I'd assault and injure some club employees before my next round of drinks if that's all right.

IKO UWAIS

Why certainly. Allow me to uncork this fresh bottle of WHUPASS

(jams wine glass down DF's throat)

(kicks champagne bottle through DF's esophagus)

(plants entire vineyard in DF's lower intestine, nurtures and grows it, then RIPS EVERY VINE RIGHT THE FUCK OUT WITH ONE SAVAGE BLOW SHREDDING DRUNKFUCK'S ENTIRE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM INTO SO MUCH WET OATMEAL THANKS TO THE SHEER POWER OF SILAT)

DRUNK FUCK'S ENTIRE BLOODLINE

(dead)

IKO UWAIS

What a sloppy drunk! Ha ha. Because his face is goo now.

INT. BUTCHER SHOP

Let's see how things are going for JOE over at the butcher's shop.

REVALDO

You'd like to order huge stacks of cash? By all means, please take a number. As in, a number of MY HENCHMEN BASHING YOUR DUMB FACE IN

JOE faces off against SEVERAL ANONYMOUS SLABS OF MEAT some of which hang from hooks, while others attack with weapons!! Oh wait, one of those is ALSO hanging from a hook now, OUCH.

HENCHMAN

ARRGHHH MY MOUTH, JOE SLASHED IT OPEENNN

(mugs to camera)

QUITE THE FINE WORK BY THE PROSTHETICS AND MAKEUP TEAM WOULDN'T YOU SAY AAGHGHAAGH

(mugs some more)

(imagine those silly people who collect shelves full of mugs they don't use, that amount of mugs, but then, like, quadruple that)

AAAGHGHAAGH YES I'M AVAILABLE FOR ALL YOUR GOON DEATH-REACTION NEEDS PLUS I'M OKAY WITH TASTEFUL NUDITY

(collapses)

(dies)

(holds up business card)

JOE is set upon by TWO GOONS one of whom has a BONESAW!

JOE TASLIM

A-ha, this handy bone will block your saw designed to cut bone! Yay me! I mean, shit.

Indeed the saw cuts JOE'S BONE in half, but this just allows JOE to BONE TWO GUYS at once!!

JOE TASLIM

And I'll dispatch the final henchman on my way to Revaldo's office. Hm, he has a shotgun, how to distract him?

(light bulb)

I can throw a corpse through his window! Lucky that last guy I killed is still visible in frame, allowing me to devise this plan!

JOE'S PLAN works and he gets the CASH, but also a side order of CROOKED COPS BARGING IN! The COPS unleash a FIERCE BARRAGE OF HOT LEAD as they GUN DOWN REVALDO and EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!

JOE TASLIM

Phew, lucky there was this flimsy-ass table to duck behind. Now to take care of-

(tased)

OWWWWW PASSING OUUT welp guess I'm dead now, these guys can murder me at their leisure. So long audience!

INT. BACK AT THE APARTMENT WHICH HAS A RATHER CONSPICUOUSLY LARGE OPEN AREA IN THE CENTRE SUITABLE FOR FIGHTING

ABIMANA ARYASATYA

We should prepare ourselves. I have a feeling that... the Night comes for us.

(pause)

Or maybe dozens of machete thugs. Either that, or the Night, is surely coming for us. Yep.

ZACK LEE

(wild-eyed)

In case it's the swarm of goons, I'll grab this handy "wet floor" sign and stuff it in my shirt! Ah, I feel much better with this flimsy plastic to protect me.

GOONS arrive and pump a HAIL OF BULLETS into ZACK'S CHEST, helpfully avoiding his HEAD and LIMBS... and he SURVIVES!

ZACK LEE

(wild-eyed)

Wow, I guess the upgraded adamantium floor signs arrived early! AW YEAH IT'S FIGHT TIIIIIME

MACHETE GOON #44

Here we go everyone! Remember to scream constantly even when you're just waiting your turn!

(clears throat)

AAGHAHAAGHGHAAAGHGHGAAAAGH

Our plucky gang begins WAILING AWAY on the GOONS! ZACK goes FULL NEGAN on some poor bastard's HEAD with the TRULY EXCELLENT QUALITY FLOOR SIGN, reducing him to CLUMPY JAM! Then he throws a guy RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW! ABIMANA drags a goon's THROAT ACROSS THE RAGGED SHARDS OF GLASS!

MACHETE GOON #81

(waiting patiently in line, leaning against wall and browsing Twitter)

AAGHAGHAAAGHGHAAAGH

They continue their JACKIE CHAN FUCKED UP ON METH FIGHT while meanwhile--

INT. POLICE TRUCK

JOE regains consciousness, being NOT DEAD YET!

RADIO

Attention all crooked cop units. Big huge fight going on in the other scene, would all crooked cops not designated to fight the Main Hero please report. In the eventuality you are a NON-crooked cop, then HAHAHA YOU WANDERED INTO THE WRONG MOVIE PAL

JOE TASLIM

Oh no, trapped in a tiny police truck with four evil heavily armed cops, who have orders to kill me. Oh dear.

COP

Listen Joe, this may have a vaguely Winter Soldier feel to it, but don't expect one of us to secretly be Cobie Smulders. We're on to THAT trick.

JOE TASLIM

Damn. Then I guess I must instead rely on a cunning subterfuge of EVISCERATING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU AND OBLITERATING THAT GUY'S FACE WITH POINT BLANK MACHINE-GUN FIRE AND THEN BLOWING YOU ALL THE FUCK UP

(does so)

COP

Nice trick.

(dies)

INT. CRAPARTMENT

Meanwhile the GOOD GUYS have mopped the floor with the assorted GOONS, and let's just say that floor required QUITE A LOT OF MOPPING UP WHAT WITH ALL THE BLOOD AND GUTS AND SMOOSHED HEADS all over it. However, this only means that our heroes LEVEL UP to face two of the MAIN VILLAINS: HANNAH AL RASHID and DIAN SASTROWARDOYO! These two deadly women are part of the LOTUS assassin group we mentioned earlier, and their backstory is that they are COOL and BADASS, WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED.

HANNAH AL RASHID

First I'll demonstrate some of my awesome technique by wasting some goons!

(murders)

Hope those weren't my goons. Anyway, who dares fight me?

ZACK LEE

(wild-eyed)

I'll face her while y'all escape! My zany goofyness will easily-

(dead)

ABIMANA ARYASATYA

Oh shit, I should either have run away or helped fight, I guess.

Having failed to help ZACK, ABIMANA rushes to the back exit where he ALSO fails to help DIMAS from being killed by DIAN! This is not a banner day for ABIMANA. He crouches down beside the YOUNG GIRL and awaits his fate.

ABIMANA ARYASATYA

Sorry kid. At least I can get murdered at the same time as you?

DIAN moves in for the kill but at the last second is stopped by... IKO UWAIS!

DIAN SASTROWARDOYO

Damn I should have known you'd switch loyalties from the Triad to your old friends!

IKO UWAIS

It's okay, I switch back later.

DIAN SASTROWARDOYO

Hurray for you. No matter, let's see how you counter my Earbud Cords of Death! MWAH HA HA

IKO wraps his JACKET around her HEAD and kicks her through a WALL.

DIAN SASTROWARDOYO

Intriguing tactic.

(passes out)

INT. PARKING GARAGE

ABIMANA, IKO, and the KID arrive in the garage.

ABIMANA ARYASATYA

I guess you think all is forgiven now Iko. But one good deed to help this innocent child doesn't wipe out your years of evil fuckery working for the Triad.

IKO UWAIS

But... but isn't that Joe's whole story? How come he gets to be the hero and-

ABIMANA ARYASATYA

Ah but he did it FIRST. So fuck you!!

ABIMANA fires his GUN in IKO'S GENERAL DIRECTION WHILE IKO IS OFFSCREEN and welp guess that's CURTAINS FOR SECOND BILLED IKO UWAIS! No way he gets out of THAT predicament!

ABIMANA ARYASATYA

Hm this garage is swarming with goons. Kid, you hide and I'll distract their bullets by absorbing them into my body at high speeds

(dead)

And now it's just the YOUNG GIRL versus a squad of GOONS... or IS IT? From the darkness, a LASER SIGHT announces the arrival of... JULIE ESTELLE!

YOUNG GIRL

About fucking time, we're almost a full hour into this thing. Though we are running low on good guys now so I'm not complaining.

JULIE ESTELLE

Ha ha, you goons are helpless before my impeccable aim!

(shoots goons)

Okay yes, the laser targeting sight might distract somewhat from the impressiveness of my aiming. But I have other supercool character traits to introduce myself with, such as

(leaves)

JOE returns, plucks the STILL ALIVE YOUNG GIRL from amongst the HEAPS OF CORPSES EVERYWHERE and heads to a SAFEHOUSE!

INT. SAFEHOUSE

JOE and his young ward sit down to rest and BOND for a bit.

YOUNG GIRL

Your criminal gang was super nice to me this afternoon, didn't try to sell me cocaine or ANYTHING. It's too bad they're all dead now.

JOE TASLIM

Yes, they were a great group this afternoon. Could always count on them to do the decent, noble thing, over the course of this particular afternoon that just happened. There's no denying that during those multiple hours, they were some of the most heroic friends a guy could have.

The kid goes to lie down and JOE sets about putting dishes away, checking the windows and doors, and GETTING ATTACKED BY JULIE ESTELLE WHAAA?! They FIGHT!

JOE TASLIM

Hey you almost stabbed my eye with that butter knife, not cool! I just finished sorting and storing all the flatware dammit!

JULIE ESTELLE

Well I think you missed a tiny spot when you cleaned the bathroom sink, allow me to point it out to you!

(slams Joe's head through sink)

JOE seems DOOMED but the KID intervenes!

JULIE ESTELLE

Whaaa... you did one good deed and helped this innocent child? Before Iko did? Well you must be the hero then, maybe we can work together. First bring me up to speed.

JOE TASLIM

You see, I was sent to kill her entire village. But when I saw her alone I realized what I HAD TO DO, so instead I gunned down MY OWN-

JULIE ESTELLE

Um yeah we know all this already. I'll come back when you have something new to talk about.

(leaves)

JOE TASLIM

Uh... perhaps I'll reminisce over when me and my criminal gang argued about whether to sell coke or heroin or cocainoin and-

(we've kind of been over that, Joe)

Oh. Well perhaps I'll call up Iko WHO'S NOT DEAD BY THE WAY, WHAAAAAT, and we'll have a big manly macho conversation about loyalties and-

(YAWWWWNNNNNN)

All right fine I set up the location for our big final smackdown fight.

JULIE ESTELLE

(returns)

So have you moved on to something new finally?

JOE TASLIM

Yeah I think we're ready to start wrapping things up. Maybe we should finally tell the audience what the fuck is your deal though?

JULIE ESTELLE

Basically I'm here to kick ass and eat Kopiko Coffee Candy, made from the finest Java coffee beans and a rich treat that is wildly popular across the globe, and I'm all out of Kopiko Coffee Candy, made from the finest Java coffee beans and a rich treat that is wildly popular across the globe.

(thanks, World of Snacks!)

JOE TASLIM

Well how about you stay here and protect the kid while I go kill the assholes who want her dead. Deal?

He LEAVES without waiting to hear if JULIE agrees to the plan or not.

INT. WAREHOUSE - MEN'S SEMI-FINAL

Before heading in, JOE decides to ARMOUR UP by duct-taping some PHONE BOOKS to his body, which seems odd given his supernatural ability to SHRUG OFF BONE-EMULSIFYING PUNISHMENT, but maybe it will make it easier to look up a good DRY CLEANING SERVICE after the fight. JOE enters the WAREHOUSE which is FULL OF GOONS, YAY!

JOE TASLIM

Oh wow look at all this great shit. Pool tables and cues? Exposed metal beams? Baseball bats? You guys are too generous, really.

GOON #132

Aw shucks Joe. Really Goon #108 should take credit, he did all the organizing.

GOON #108

Well yeah, but Goon #77 got us that great deal on the pool tables. Without that we couldn't have sprung for the NICE baseball bats.

JOE TASLIM

The important thing is, that you all contributed to create this splendid tableau NOW FUCK YOU

JOE begins FUCKING DESTROYING EVERYONE IN THE ROOM and SMASHES A DUDE'S FACE WITH BILLIARD BALLS and SLICES A GUY'S COCK RIGHT THE FUCK OFF WHICH GOTTA SAY SEEMED A BIT EXCESSIVE THERE JOE and SPINS WITH A GOON ON HIS SHOULDERS TO BASH A DOZEN GUYS AND ALSO ADVANCE TO THE NEXT ROUND OF DANCING WITH THE STARS and finally SHOTGUNS PEOPLE WITH GASOLINE FIRE and ALL THE GOONS ARE FUCKING DEAD.

JOE TASLIM

But seriously though, great work fellas.

(exhales)

And now to face my greatest enemy! So, fuck this protective layer bullshit.

(throws away improvised armour)

EXT. SAFE HOUSE APARTMENT - MIXED SEMI-FINALS

Back at the apartment, JULIE prepares for the inevitable waves of BADDIES who will be coming for her AT NIGHT.

JULIE ESTELLE

Time for an equipment check. Red laser targeting sight...

(headshots ten goons)

Check. Hand grenades with blinky red lights on them...

(rolls grenade into elevator as baddies stare, wide-eyed, then explode)

Check. C4 wall charges with red blinky lights...

(goons sneak into hallway lined with charges, camp out, play Gloomhaven)

Check. Remote detonator with soothing blue glow WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT

(rips detonator to shreds)

(rummages through supplies)

Remote detonator with BLINKY RED LIGHT, that's better...

(blows up hallway goons)

Check.

JULIE advances to the FINAL ROUND!

INT. WOMEN'S FINAL

The other finalists, HANNAH AL RASHID and DIAN SASTROWARDOYO, enter the apartment.

HANNAH AL RASHID

And so it comes down to this. The Lotuses versus the instrument of the unnamed organization that hates the Triad, and I guess the Triad is allied with the Lotuses? Or is the Lotuses another subgroup of the Triad, like the Six Seas? And don't you think at a certain point everyone would decide to just cut their losses and let this puny kid be on her way?

JULIE ESTELLE

Honestly I feel you're overthinking this. Let us prepare... to FIGHT.

DIAN SASTROWARDOYO

Weeelll... I was gonna let Hannah keep you busy while I went and murdered the kid, as per our mission, but fuck it. FIGHT TIME!!

The FIGHT BEGINS! DIAN attacks with her PIANO-WIRE EARBUDS and JULIE counters with her SWORD!

DIAN SASTROWARDOYO

Give it up Julie, my weapon is way cooler!

JULIE ESTELLE

Hm, cooler...

JULIE wraps the wire around DIAN'S NECK and hooks the other end to the AIR CONDITIONER before KICKING IT OUT THE WINDOW!

DIAN SASTROWARDOYO

Ack! Agh! I told Hannah we should have cornered you somewhere with central.. air...

(dies)

HANNAH AL RASHID

And now it's just us. Any fun locations in this building we've not used yet?

JULIE ESTELLE

Oh there's a cool hallway with different coloured lights, very Atomic Blonde. We should fight there a bit.

They BUST MOVES in the FUNKY LIGHT HALLWAY and then move to the BUSTED GOON BITS HALLWAY, all the while with DEADLY BLADES FLASHING every which way in a FLURRY OF LETHAL APTITUDE!

HANNAH AL RASHID

Ha, I've sliced part of your little finger almost completely off! How do you like your chances NOW?!?

JULIE ESTELLE

I dunno, why don't we ask your intestines to check the latest Vegas odds, once they're done lying in a heap on the floor.

HANNAH AL RASHID

(looks down)

Well that ain't good. But I'm sure you'll accept victory with some grace, yeah?

JULIE ESTELLE

Oh certainly. But I checked with Grace and she said remember to SLICE THAT BITCH'S ARM LENGTHWISE AND GUT HER TWICE AND JAM A SWORD RIGHT THROUGH HER EVIL BITCH THROAT

(does so)

HANNAH AL RASHID

Okay SHEESH, we get it already.

(dies)

INT. MEN'S FINAL

Back at the warehouse, a SNIPER is about to BLOW JOE'S HEAD CLEAN THE FUCK OFF with immense ease, but is killed by IKO!

IKO UWAIS

(to dead sniper)

Holy shit have you SEEN an action movie. Who hired this person?

And so it is time for the FINAL JOE-IKO BATTLE.

IKO UWAIS

I've been promised your spot in the Six Seas if I murder you. I suggested they could make it Seven Seas but apparently that name was taken like 4000 years ago or something.

JOE TASLIM

Then we must fight... to the death. And just saying, the women's final was fucking awesome so we REALLY gotta bring it.

IKO UWAIS

Agreed. So let's begin with ME PUNCHING YOU SIX HUNDRED TIMES WHILE YOU FLOP AROUND AND LOSE A TOOTH

(pummels Joe!)

JOE TASLIM

Ouch. You've got pretty fast fists, Iko. But you don't have my SNARLY EYEBROWS OF DOOM

(pummels Iko!)

IKO UWAIS

Well if you love your eyebrows so much you won't need YOUR ENTIRE JAW

(starts tearing off Joe's jaw!)

JOE TASLIM

Arghhh! Well you wreck my jaw, I wreck YOUR FANCY TIE

(overly tightens Iko's tie, severely creasing the fabric, that fucker!!)

IKO UWAIS

ACKKCK oh that does it! I'm pissed now! STEEL BEAM CHALLENGE!

JOE TASLIM

I accept! FUCK YOU BEAM

(punches steel beam, shattering entire hand!)

IKO UWAIS

GODDAMN YOU STUPID BEAM

(kicks steel beam, fracturing leg!)

JOE and IKO agree to ONE FREE "HEAL WOUNDS" EACH to nullify the STEEL BEAM CHALLENGE!

JOE TASLIM

Now what. Feels like we need at least one more stage... ooh a workbench! Noice!

(holds Iko's head inches from table saw)

IKO UWAIS

(breaks free)

Dammit Joe! You must realize I'm not gonna lose on my own PROPERTY, BROTHER!

(stabs Joe with screwdriver!)

JOE TASLIM

I think maybe you need an EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION!

(throws Iko onto pile of nails!)

IKO UWAIS

Time to decide if you're gonna LOVE IT OR LIST IT: VANCOUVER, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS JOKE DUDE

(stabs Joe with Exacto knife!!)

JOE TASLIM

I GUESS SOMEONE'S BEEN WATCHING A LOT OF HGTV DURING LOCKDOWN BUT WHATEVER, HOUSE HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL YOU SHITHEAD

(stabs Iko with scrap metal!)

IKO UWAIS

FINE, FUCK IT, WELCOME TO CELEBRITY IOU OUR GUEST THIS WEEK IS ME AND IOU A KNIFE IN THE FUCKING FACE

(stabs Joe right through the mouth!!)

JOE TASLIM

COMING UP NEXT, FLIP OR FLOP ATLANTA EXCEPT IT'S ME FLIPPING THE SCRIPT AND FLOPPING YOUR ASS AND ATLANTA IS YOU FUCKING YOURSELF

(bites off blade, stabs Iko in throat!!)

IKO staggers back, mortally wounded but FOR REAL THIS TIME. JOE pushes him against a beam and pulls back his FIST... but CAN'T DO IT! Really Joe? NOW you draw the line?

JOE TASLIM

It's just that I realized my body is gonna collapse like a cheap supermarket soup display any second now, and I did promise to meet that kid at the docks. Later Iko.

IKO UWAIS

It's cool, I'll wait here to be gunned down by my evil boss and his latest set of quirky goons. He does have a knack for finding some quirky-ass goons, I'll give him that. Toodles.

EXT. THE DOCKS

JOE drags his organ-failing ass to the DOCKS in time to meet the KID and JULIE before the boat leaves.

JULIE ESTELLE

Well you've got cash, passports, and Joe has at LEAST ten seconds of life in him, so I guess all's well here BYYEEEE

(fucks off)

JOE TASLIM

Sorry kid, but you must go on... alone, slightly less fucked than if I'd just left you on that beach to begin with. Farewell.

YOUNG GIRL

Would really rather be with Julie on her cool motorcycle? But fine, fine.

(gets on boat)

JOE TASLIM

And I see the big boss has arrived with more goons. Well if I distract them momentarily by drawing their fire, I'm sure they won't think to look at the giant slow-moving boat and see its name and track down the kid in five minutes, making everything I've done futile and pointless.

(thinks)

Shit. But wait there's still a way to beat them... if we cut to credits right now before they can look at the boat!

BIG BAD

Oh fuck you DO NOT CUT

END