FADE IN:

EXT. SPAIN

VIN DIESEL and PAUL WALKER drive CARS really FAST while director JUSTIN LIN masturbates to close-ups of GRATUITOUS GEAR SHIFTING.

The TITLE SEQUENCE shows us clips from all of the previous FAST & FURIOUS films, except for TOKYO DRIFT because FUCK THAT MOVIE.

INT. VIN'S SPANISH LAIR

VIN finishes tuning up his girlfriend ELSA PATAKY when THE ROCK appears.

VIN DIESEL

How long have you been here? Were you just watching me and my girlfriend have sex?

THE ROCK

(changing the subject)

Your dead girlfriend Michelle Rodriguez is alive. She's working for evil criminal mastermind Luke Evans. I need you and your team of good criminal masterminds to help me bring him in.

VIN DIESEL

No.

(pause)

Well okay. Hey Elsa, is it cool if I take off to go find the long lost love of my life?

ELSA PATAKY

Of course, honey. Good luck!

VIN DIESEL

Wow, really? You're taking this awfully well.

ELSA PATAKY

Michelle is your family. Family is the most important above all things. Family, that is.

VIN DIESEL

Yes. Family.

ELSA PATAKY

Family.

VIN DIESEL

Family.

VIN visits PAUL and his sister JORDANA BREWSTER.

PAUL WALKER

Vin, I can't go with you. I promised Jordana that I would end my criminal ways. I have to think about my family!

JORDANA BREWSTER

But Michelle is family. Therefore you must abandon your wife and infant son to go get her back, a woman that's not even technically related to anybody here. Because family.

PAUL WALKER

Yes. Family. You coming with us, Jordana?

JORDANA BREWSTER

Oh no. I'll stay behind and take care of our baby while you go get into dangerous car chases and shoot outs. Have fun!

PAUL WALKER

Wait, so you're totally fine with all of this?

JORDANA BREWSTER

Hell yeah. The women in this franchise are so understanding that it borderlines on fantasy.

VIN DIESEL

Because family.

JORDANA BREWSTER

Yes. Family. Yes.

INT. COMMAND CENTER - LONDON

VIN and PAUL meet up with the other members of their CRIMINAL GANG.

TYRESE GIBSON

I'm the comic relief!

LUDACRIS

I'm the other comic relief! And also the tech guy! Somehow!

GAL GADOT

I'm the tough girl that's not Michelle Rodriguez!

SUNG KANG

And I'm the Asian guy who already died in this franchise!

THE ROCK

Sorry I'm late to the meeting but there was a Buy 1 Get 20 Free sale on baby oil. Now meet my team.

GINA CARANO

I'm the OTHER tough girl that's not Michelle Rodriguez.

THE ROCK

Wait, that's my whole team? I guess I never got around to replacing all those guys who got killed off in Fast Five. Now allow me to stand rigidly as I explain the plot.

PAUL WALKER

Hey where's Eva Mendes?

VIN DIESEL

There wasn't enough room for FOUR tough girls. That would be overkill which, as you know, is something this franchise frowns on.

THE ROCK

So as I was saying, Luke Evans is a criminal mastermind who runs a team comprised of evil clone versions of Vin's team. The plan is to take down Luke's team using cars. Do this and I will grant you all pardons.

PAUL WALKER

Wait, you can't do that. This entire operation is illegal as shit. How are you even still a DSS agent now that you have actively helped and employed notorious international criminals?

THE ROCK

Details details. Let's go!

EXT. LONDON

LUKE EVANS and his EVIL TEAM steal a MCGUFFIN COMPUTER CHIP from INTERPOL. LUKE plants EXPLOSIVES on the one bridge where ALL THE COPS IN ALL OF BRITAIN are parked and BLOWS THEM UP.

Then LUKE escapes in a really expensive GO KART.

LUKE EVANS

Ha ha! I have modified my vehicle to comically launch any car I ram 50 feet into the air! I am unstoppable!

POLICE

Damn! If only we hadn't left all our spike strips at home!

PAUL, TYRESE and SUNG arrive in CARS and chase LUKE'S TEAM.

TYRESE GIBSON

Oh no! Luke's Team has some kind of remote control device and they're controlling my car!

SUNG KANG

Me too! Where the hell did they get that thing from?

TYRESE GIBSON

Fuck! They must be using cheat codes!

TYRESE and SUNG'S CARS CRASH AND FLIP OVER 14 TIMES AND SMASH INTO A MILLION PIECES, but they WALK AWAY with NO INJURES despite not wearing THEIR SEATBELTS because HEY WHY NOT?

PAUL faces off against his EVIL CLONE VERSION, CLARA PAGET.

PAUL WALKER

My evil double is a girl?

CLARA PAGET

Uh-huh. Jealous?

PAUL WALKER

Not really. It's kind of odd that I'm a prettier blonde than you are.

CLARA uses her EVIL GO KART to fire a PURPLE TURTLE SHELL at PAUL and his CAR CRASHES.

Meanwhile THE ROCK and GINA chase LUKE EVANS.

LUKE EVANS

Ha ha! You're on a bridge 100 feet above me! There's no way you can catch me now!

THE ROCK drops 100 FEET onto LUKE'S GO KART without breaking EVERY DAMN BONE IN HIS BODY because FUCK GRAVITY.

THE LAWS OF PHYSICS

Hey, what about me?

OOOH, JUST YOU WAIT.

LUKE shakes THE ROCK off of his GO KART and ESCAPES.

Meanwhile VIN chases another BAD GUY CAR. The driver gets out and it's some woman who looks like MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ, except a million times ANGRIER.

VIN DIESEL

Oh my God! Michelle! I'm so happy to see

(is shot)

Well that really gravels my voice.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Apparently my gun only holds one bullet so I'm just going to go now. Bye-ee.

(escapes)

VIN pulls the bullet out with HIS TEETH and the wound HEALS INSTANTLY because it's THAT KIND OF MOVIE.

INT. COMMAND CENTER - LONDON

THE ROCK

We just got our asses gift wrapped and handed to us. What the hell happened?

VIN DIESEL

I saw Michelle, but she didn't recognize me. It was as if she had amnesia or something.

PAUL WALKER

Oh please. This franchise might be crazier than cat shit but it wouldn't be stupid enough to explain away the death of a major character using cheap clichés from the Soap Opera Playbook.

THE ROCK

Well we've determined Luke is stealing several components that combine Voltron-style to create a dangerous super weapon. Care to add anything, Gina?

GINA CARANO

No thanks. The less lines I have the more badass I appear.

THE ROCK

Agreed. Now everybody split up and do separate things for a while.

LUDACRIS

In order to progress the plot The Rock and I must needlessly humiliate a snooty British Guy because we're assholes. We will also buy some expensive cars that are FAST, as well as FURIOUS.

GAL GADOT

Sung, Tyrese, Gina and I will go interrogate a tech nerd who's linked to Luke.

SUNG KANG

It takes four people to check out one geek?

GAL GADOT

In the F&F universe geeks can be deadly parkour ninja assassins, so yeah.

VIN DIESEL

I hear Michelle's attending a street race so that's where I'll be.

PAUL WALKER

And I'll hear that the villain we took down in Fast Four is connected to this so I'll risk my freedom by sneaking back into the U.S., getting myself arrested and sent to the prison he's in so I can interrogate him, then sneak out of prison without being shanked or raped, then sneak out of the country before anyone realizes who I am. Easy peasy!

VIN DIESEL

Wow, that's a pretty complicated and risky plan, Paul. I really hope the information you find out won't also be discovered by me from simply talking to Michelle for two minutes.

PAUL WALKER

I hope that's not the case either, otherwise my plot line will seem like a boring waste of time.

EXT. EVIL GEEK'S LAIR

TYRESE and SUNG are about to interrogate the EVIL GEEK, but GAL and GINA argue that they are better equipped to interrogate someone because they have BOOBS.

TYRESE GIBSON

Sung, I have used car analogies to determine you want to marry Gal. But anyone who's seen Tokyo Drift knows your relationship has zero chances of ending well.

SUNG KANG

It's okay because director Justin Lin promised me there's going to be a post-credit scene that will retcon my death so that I can be in more Fast & Furious movies!

DIRECTOR JUSTIN LIN

Uh, sure Sung, of course there'll be. Wink wink.

(does not sign on to do the next F&F movie)

MICHELLE and some of LUKE'S GOONS show up and shoot the EVIL GEEK. They also shoot at GAL and GINA.

GINA CARANO

Holy fuck! These guys are actually trying to kill me!

GAL GADOT

Of course they are! Why wouldn't they?

GINA CARANO

Uh... no reason.

INT. SUBWAY

TYRESE and SUNG chase one of LUKE'S GOONS, JOHANNES TASLIM.

TYRESE GIBSON

Wow! You're that guy from The Raid: Redemption!

SUNG KANG

We're huge fans! Can we get your autograph?

JOHANNES TASLIM

Sure! But I can only write with the tread of my shoe and I only sign people's faces.

JOHANNES gives TYRESE and SUNG repeated AUTOGRAPHS to THE FACE and escapes.

Meanwhile MICHELLE and GINA face off.

GINA CARANO

Hello Michelle. I'm your new replacement. Pretty soon I'll be the go-to tough girl who dies a lot. I hope Luke taught you how to beat a younger, sexier opponent.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

He didn't have to. I'll just beat you with my higher billing!

GINA LOSES despite being a physical F-150 to MICHELLE's JETTA.

EXT. LONDON

MICHELLE, who is a WANTED INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL at this point, decides to keep a low profile by ENTERING A STREET RACE.

VIN DIESEL

Hey sweet thang. Race me through Piccadilly Circus, which will be completely deserted for our convenience.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Seeing as that I shot you earlier I should naturally assume you're here to kill me and run away, but okay.

THEY RACE, appeasing the dwindling number of STREET RACING FANS still in the AUDIENCE.

Then VIN and MICHELLE pull over to reenact the SCAR COMPARISON SCENE from LETHAL WEAPON 3 minus THE SEXY.

VIN DIESEL

Why don't you remember me? I really hope it's not a lame excuse like you have--

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Amnesia!

VIN DIESEL

Ugh.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

See, that guy you needlessly hunted down and killed in Fast Four actually just blew up my car, which had special mind-wiping side effects. Except for when it comes to fixing or driving cars.

VIN DIESEL

But you're still using your original character name. You never bothered to Google yourself?

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Listen Vin, the only way this flimsy excuse to get me back in the franchise works is if YOU DO NOT QUESTION IT!

(drives away)

LUKE EVANS

(appearing)

Hello Vin. I am your arch nemesis, that one dude who was in that movie nobody saw.

VIN DIESEL

(thinks)

Immortals?

LUKE EVANS

No, the other one.

VIN DIESEL

(thinks)

The Three Musketeers?

LUKE EVANS

No, the other one.

VIN DIESEL

(thinks)

The Raven?

LUKE EVANS

No, the OTHER ONE! Look, forget it, okay? All you need to know is that I am smarter than you and that I have evil contacts everywhere. And I do mean EVERY-WHERE.

VIN DIESEL

So we're hanging all the crazy bullshit you're going to pull off later on you "having contacts", huh?

LUKE EVANS

Pretty much. BTW, I know exactly where Elsa, Jordana, and Paul Jr are, so if you want to warn them to move to a safe house now would be the time.

VIN DIESEL

Nah, they can take care of themselves. But what the hell is up with Michelle working for you?

LUKE EVANS

I added her to my team after she got amnesia, despite knowing she was working undercover beforehand.

VIN DIESEL

That's kind of an idiot move on your part, isn't it? What if she got her memory back or discovered who she really was? Why take the risk?

LUKE EVANS

Because "the fans" demanded it. There really is no other excuse why I would risk my entire criminal enterprise on Michelle. Unless I'm just really into angry drunken latina chicks. Now I shall kill you with my sniper!

VIN DIESEL

Luckily The Rock has come to back me up, even though I had absolutely no idea he would arrive in time to do so.

LUKE EVANS

Hmm. Then I suppose I shall retire to my evil lair. Good day sir.

VIN DIESEL

(thinks)

Robin Hood! It was Robin Hood, right?

LUKE EVANS

Grrrrrrrr!!!!!

(leaves)

INT. COMMAND CENTER - LONDON

PAUL returns from his VACATION in a U.S. PRISON where he was almost KILLED and/or SENTENCED TO LIFE.

PAUL WALKER

Vin! Guess what I found out about Michelle!

VIN DIESEL

Me first! I discovered Michelle had amnesia and Luke manipulated her into working for him! So what important info did you risk your life to find out?

PAUL WALKER

Uh... I'll tell you later.

THE ROCK

The last component Luke needs to build his super weapon is at some military base, so we're going to ship the component someplace else on an unguarded convoy to make it even easier for Luke to steal.

LUDACRIS

Luke's going to attack the convoy!

PAUL WALKER

Maybe we should tell The Rock so he'll have a literal army of cops waiting to catch Luke and we can get our pardons and go home?

VIN DIESEL

What? And ruin the chance to wreck all the expensive cars Ludacris bought for us with his own money? Fuck that.

LUDACRIS

I suddenly don't like this plan anymore.

EXT. HIGHWAY

LUKE'S TEAM attacks the CONVOY and steals the MCGUFFIN CHIP he needs, which happens to be inside a MOTHERFUCKING TANK.

LUKE MURDERS a FUCKTON of MOTORISTS by BRUTALLY CRUSHING THEM TO DEATH! But there's NO BLOOD so it's as PG-13 friendly as MASS MURDER can be.

VIN DIESEL

Oh my God this guy is one evil bastard! He doesn't even have the decency to crush those innocent bystanders with a 10 ton bank vault!

Meanwhile GAL saves SUNG's LIFE because he is useless as DIRT. Actually, no he's not, because DIRT can be USEFUL.

LUKE'S TANK crushes everything in its path, except for TYRESE'S MUSTANG, which just gets stuck in the tank tread SOMEHOW.

TYRESE GIBSON

It's a good thing I have this Titanium cable in the back of my car for just such an occasion! I'll tie it around the tank's barrel and use it as an anchor to flip the tank!

VIN DIESEL

Because a Mustang is heavy enough to weigh down and flip a fucking tank. Just like a toddler is heavy enough to weigh down and flip a mini van.

TYRESE ties the cable around the tanks' barrel and FLIES OVER to PAUL'S CAR.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

I'm going to crawl outside the tank to remove the cable, but my constipated expression suggests I'm REALLY conflicted about it though!

But the TANK FLIPS OVER, launching MICHELLE 500 FEET INTO THE AIR! VIN uses his SUPER POWERS to fly up and catch MICHELLE and instantly launches this franchise into the SCI-FI/FANTASY GENRE.

THE LAWS OF PHYSICS

(hangs self)

LUKE EVANS

How exactly was I planning to inconspicuously get back to my hideout while driving a motherfucking tank?

INT. NATO MILITARY BASE

LUKE and his team are being held captive.

LUKE EVANS

My evil contacts have kidnapped Jordana. Let me go with the computer chip or she dies.

VIN DIESEL

You evil bastard! If only you had told me you might do this! Then I would have had a chance to warn Jordana! Let Luke go!

THE ROCK

No way Vin. The government would never give up Luke for your dumb sister.

VIN DIESEL

But you're part of our family now!

THE ROCK

Shit, that means I pretty much have to let Luke go. Damn you Vin and your ability to turn good cops into criminals! I am so going to get fired for this.

NO HE WON'T. LUKE is released.

LUKE EVANS

Haha! You coming, baby?

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Nah, I've decided to switch my allegiance to the losing team.

LUKE EVANS

Not you, stupid. Gina!

GINA CARANO

Did... did you just needlessly out me in front of everybody as your mole? Why would you do that? You just simultaneously ruined my life and made me useless as an asset.

LUKE EVANS

But I needed a new arm piece to replace Michelle. Now let us escape while skipping and holding hands.

THIS HAPPENS.

EXT. A RUNWAY (THAT SPANS THE ENTIRE FUCKING LENGTH OF SPAIN)

LUKE and his gang are about to escape in a HUGE FUCKING CARGO PLANE, but VIN and his team use CARS to stop him while CONSTRUCTION CREWS work feverishly to extend the RUNWAY APPROXIMATELY 39 MILES, allowing this scene to go on for a full 20 MINUTES.

PAUL kills CLARA and rescues JORDANA.

MICHELLE kills GINA and, wait WTF? Seriously? Whatever dude.

SUNG KANG

Gal, will you marry me and move with me to Tokyo?

GAL GADOT

Sure I will!

(dies)

SUNG KANG

Oh come on!

VIN kills LUKE, but he is trapped inside the plane as IT EXPLODES!

However, due to THE LAWS OF PHYSICS' untimely passing, VIN drives out of the EXPLODING PLANE! Then his car CRASHES and FLIPS OVER A MILLION TIMES AND BURSTS INTO A BILLION SMOLDERING PIECES OF TWISTED METAL THAT MELT INTO ASHES!

Then VIN walks out of those ashes COMPLETELY UNARMED BECAUSE FUCK YOU. His CLOTHES aren't even dirty.

VIN DIESEL

I live for this shit!

(looks around)

Hey where are we?

THE ROCK

Portugal.

VIN DIESEL

Really? How the hell did we get here?

PAUL WALKER

Dude, that runway was like 200 miles long. We didn't even turn to circle it, we just went in a straight line.

SUNG KANG

Is it just me or does no one seem to care that Gal is dead?

NO ONE DOES.

EXT. VIN'S HOUSE - LOS ANGELES

THE ROCK uses his BULLSHIT GOVERNMENT POWERS to pardon VIN'S TEAM and they have a COOKOUT. ELSA appears.

VIN DIESEL

Sorry Elsa, but I'm with Michelle now. You understand.

ELSA PATAKY

That I'm an 8 being traded in for a 6? No, not really.

VIN DIESEL

Wanna be the trois to our ménage?

ELSA PATAKY

No thank you. I'm working with The Rock now.

VIN DIESEL

But you're not even a U.S. agent, you were just some beat cop in Rio, who helped international criminals ripoff a drug lord and kill cops, mind you. How the fuck did you get a job as a DSS agent?

ELSA PATAKY

(with jazz hands)

Magic.

Everybody sits down to EAT.

TYRESE GIBSON

Lord, thank you for allowing Michelle to return to our family.

LUDACRIS

Yes, we sure did miss her.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

What? I never knew you two even before the amnesia. This is the first movie I've ever appeared in with your characters.

TYRESE GIBSON

But that doesn't matter, because family.

LUDACRIS

Family. Yes.

PAUL WALKER

Yes. Family.

VIN DIESEL

Family. Fam-i-ly,

BABY

Yes. Family. Yes.

END

INT. THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT - TOKYO

SUNG KANG uses a CAR to speed away from the black hole of talent known as LUCAS BLACK when his CAR is intentionally CRASHED and BLOWN UP by:

JASON STATHAM

So this is what it feels like to be in a Box Office success.

END