FADE IN:

EXT. BIG-ASS CORNFIELD, SOMEWHERE IN INDONESIA

Gangster ALEX ABBAD, wearing his MR. GLASS HALLOWE'EN COSTUME, takes DONI ALAMSYAH to a shallow grave amongst the cornfields.

ALEX ABBAD

Prepare to die, Doni. I was too damned lazy to dig a grave, so we're using one from Looper instead.

DONI ALAMSYAH

The resemblance is kind of uncanny, yeah. But wait! If you do this, my brother Iko Uwais will surely avenge me!

ALEX ABBAD

Possibly. But since you'll barely be mentioned from here on in, possibly not.

(shoots Doni)

ALEX buries DONI in the GRAVEYARD OF IMPORTANT CHARACTERS SUMMARILY DISPATCHED IN SEQUELS alongside NEWT, HICKS, HOLLY MACLANE, LIZ HURLEY FROM AUSTIN POWERS, SALMA HAYEK FROM DESPERADO, JET LI FROM THE EXPENDABLES, LINDA FIORENTINO FROM MEN IN BLACK, we could be here all day so add your favourite example in the comments, and let's move on.

INT. DARK DINGY WAREHOUSE

Silat cop IKO UWAIS and two other guys sit facing Internal Affairs agent COK SIMBARA.

COK SIMBARA

Alright, here's the plan.

IKO UWAIS

Wait, we're not doing any catchup dialogue? I barely remember who these other characters are.

COK SIMBARA

Eh, if the audience didn't rewatch the original earlier today, then fuck 'em. Anyway that guy was Cop Stuck In Wall, and the other is Corrupt Sarge, I think? Funny the camera won't focus on him...

IKO UWAIS

(checks IMDB)

Oh shit, we didn't get the original actor back for the role! Quick, shoot him before somebody notices!!

COK SIMBARA

(shoots Corrupt Sarge IN THE FACE)

Phew, close one! Anyway Iko, I need you to go undercover to get a list of all the crooked cops in our precinct. A list which was likely contained in the brains I just exploded all over the wall.

IKO UWAIS

I accept. Allow me to give a proper, emotional farewell to my wife and child first.

(shrugs)

Or a twenty-second phone call. Whatever.

COK SIMBARA

Splendid! Now we need you to commit a crime so I can put you in prison. Something minor enough to warrant a two-month sentence, but serious enough to be locked up with organized crime bosses.

IKO UWAIS

You got it!

IKO gets ARRESTED and thrown in FIGHT JAIL.

INT. PRISON BATHROOM

To boost his prison cred, IKO picks a fight with a HUNDRED GUYS.

IKO UWAIS

Ah, but I will cleverly position myself inside this stall, creating a choke point for my adversaries! This strategic gambit allows me to face only a couple at a time.

(pause)

Of course for the rest of the movie, I'll just walk into the centre of giant empty rooms to fight.

IKO is thrown back into his CELL where he kills some time PUNCHING A STONE WALL, which gives him ADAMANTIUM BONES.

INT. MESS HALL

IKO makes contact with gangland rich-kid ARIFIN PUTRA.

IKO UWAIS

So what's a rich playboy like you doing rotting in a prison like this? You studying to become Batman?

ARIFIN PUTRA

No, idiot. My Dad is a major crime figure, with such extensive underworld and political connections that I got stuck in prison.

IKO UWAIS

Ooh, a crime family, huh? Whaddya know. Hey, let's hang out together, we could swap lists of crooked cops and stuff.

ARIFIN PUTRA

I'm not sure I can trust you. Maybe if you beat up another hundred guys?

EXT. PRISON YARD AND MUD STORAGE UNIT

IKO UWAIS

Hm, those other prisoners are about to attack. But what they don't know is that I can use my formidable mastery of silat to transform this innocent-looking broomstick... into... a BROOMSTICK!

The FIGHT begins! Everyone jumps into the MUD and totally covers themselves with MUD and the entire screen becomes a GIANT GREY MUDDY FIGHTBLOB.

MUDBLOB

Look out, mudblob!

(kills mudblob)

A wave of COPS rushes in and gets ANNIHLATED! Then, IKO-BLOB saves ARIFIN-BLOB from SOME-FUCKING-GUY-BLOB just as the SECOND WAVE OF COPS arrives and restores order.

FIRST WAVE OF COPS

(lying in broken heap)

WHY DID WE NOT WAIT FOR THE SECOND WAVE

EXT. PRISON - TWO YEARS LATER

IKO is finally released from FIGHT JAIL.

IKO UWAIS

So my prison stay, which was supposed to be a few months, turned into two years. Yet strangely I am free of bitterness or thoughts of revenge about that, unlike, say, any other action movie hero ever.

(thinks)

Any second now my gang contact will pick me up. Perhaps I should ditch this comically oversized bug I'm wearing, which, is this set in the 1950s or something?

INT. BIG CRIME BOSS'S OFFICE

IKO is brought before ARIFIN'S DAD, big crime boss TIO PAKUSODEWO.

TIO PAKUSODEWO

I need to know I can trust you Iko, so strip naked. Thank you. And now that I can see you don't have anything incriminating taped to the outside of your body, I am satisfied.

ARIFIN PUTRA

Shouldn't our search be at least an invasive as what the prison would do...?

TIO PAKUSODEWO

Nonsense! Iko, this is Oka Antara, he'll take you to your new digs. And then be useless until fulfilling his second and final plot function.

INT. SWANKY APARTMENT

IKO UWAIS

Sweet pad. I especially like how there's a wide-open split-level main room, perfect for fighting in.

OKA ANTARA

Yeah, you'd sure think there'd be at least one fight in here. Ah well. See you at my second and final plot function!

(leaves)

IKO calls HOME after cranking the STEREO crazy loud to fool any bugs, and also to make sure there's no damned way he can hear anything.

IKO UWAIS

Hi honey. Sorry that the couple months in jail became two years.

IKO'S WIFE

(on phone)

Oh, that's OK. I'll just continue standing around in tragic silence then?

IKO UWAIS

If you don't mind.

IKO'S WIFE

Roger that!

(gazes soulfully into distance)

IKO hangs up and then gets ahold of COK.

COK SIMBARA

(on phone)

Remember, we need the names of all the crooked cops.

IKO UWAIS

So should I take any action whatsoever towards getting those names?

COK SIMBARA

Fuck no.

IKO UWAIS

Are we at least going to raid anything?

COK SIMBARA

Not that either. It's to make up for last time where the subtitle meant nothing, this time the main title means nothing.

IKO UWAIS

Oh.

(pause)

Y'know, I think I saw some roaches in this apartment. Maybe I should, ah, spray some R-

COK SIMBARA

Nice try, Iko. But no.

INT. DRUG LAB

ARIFIN takes IKO along to do some GANG BUSINESS.

ARIFIN PUTRA

We need to shake down these porn-making drug guys. Or are they drug-making porn guys? Anyway, keep an eye out for anything suspicious.

IKO UWAIS

Okay. Like that naked chick with a strap-on dildo? Is that the kind of thing you mean?

ARIFIN PUTRA

...not really. More like if somebody is packing a gun...

IKO UWAIS

Maybe the naked chick is packing a gun inside her enormous black strap-on.

ARIFIN PUTRA

Can you fucking focus please?

IKO UWAIS

(shakes head vigorously)

I'm sorry, that was unprofessional. I apologize. Let's finish our serious crime business with DUDE SHE'S GOT A FUCKING HUGE DILDO STRAPPED TO HER NAKED GROIN AND JUST WALKING AROUND LIKE ALL CHILL AND SHIT

ARIFIN PUTRA

My God you're acting like someone who only watches American blockbusters that are terrified of foul language or actual human sexuality. Now nut the fuck up.

DRUGS 'N' DILDOS GANG

ENOUGH TALK WE DO VIOLENCE NOW!!!

(opens fire)

A SHOOTOUT happens! The LEADER tries running off but IKO chases him down!

IKO UWAIS

Now time for me to totally wail on some old scrawny porn guy!!

(savagely beats the fuck out of pathetic old dude)

OH YEAHHHHH

INT. PRIVATE ROOM - KARAOKE CLUB

IKO and ARIFIN decide to unwind with some ESCORTS.

ESCORT WITH UTTERLY NO SENSE OF SELF-PRESERVATION

Man, you are one grouchy gangster! Can I complain about that for a while? You don't mind, right?

ARIFIN PUTRA

Shockingly, I am not progressive in my attitude towards women, nor able to handle criticism from same!!

(is abusive violent prick)

IKO UWAIS

While he's distracted, I will plant this bug in the one place he won't check multiple times every day... his wallet!!

(pause)

It's a good thing I fight well, since I suck so hard at every other part of being a cop.

INT. BANQUET HALL - LATER

ARIFIN arrives for a clandestine meeting with ALEX ABBAD.

ALEX ABBAD

Though I am a rival of your Dad, Arifin, I suggest we secretly work together. As a gesture of goodwill, I have kidnapped these five dudes from yet another rival gang so that you can slit their throats, one by one, while the others make no effort to resist whatsoever. Sure they're tied up, but you'd think SOMEBODY would make a mad hop for safety.

ARIFIN PUTRA

Somebody who would do such a thing is clearly the most trustworthy ally possible! I accept!

ALEX ABBAD

Excellent. I suggest we manipulate the various rival gangs into wiping each other out in a violent free-for-all bloodbath. I had another plan with economic leverage and stock buyouts, but for some reason I suspect the "bloodbath" option will go over better with our audience.

INT. LESS UPSCALE RESTAURANT

Unkempt mercenary YAYAN RUHIAN meets up with his EX-WIFE.

EX-WIFE

What the hell are you doing here? Didn't you get a fibreglass tracheotomy last movie?

YAYAN RUHIAN

Yeah, but I'm not playing Mad Dog this time, I'm a whole new character! It's true, check out this absurd amount of backstory I've got even though I get killed off mere minutes from now!

EX-WIFE

Fuck's sake. You could imply more backstory by beating up some random dude in an alleyway. Oh wait, you did that too, this whole scene really is fucking pointless. I'm glad my real name isn't appearing above my lines, it'd be too embarrassing.

YAYAN gets DOUBLE-CROSSED by ARIFIN and is then killed by CECEP ARIF RAHMAN, establishing CECEP as the new ultimate evil badass. This is useful since CECEP has ZERO DIALOGUE and no other way to establish who the fuck this guy is.

INT. BIG BOSS'S OFFICE

ARIFIN PUTRA

Look Dad, Yayan is dead, Alex Abbad is major trouble, and our rivals are circling. I really think we should spark a full-out gang war, what's the worst that could happen besides you dying and me taking over your empire? Which, clearly, would not happen, oh no sirree.

TIO PAKUSODEWO

Even though we are in a movie whose only purpose is to showcase lots of fighting, I don't think fighting is the answer. Sorry.

ARIFIN PUTRA

Well fuck you, I'm activating our two best assassins, Hammer Girl and Bat Guy! I would activate more of our quirky hyperviolent killers but I don't want to risk turning this into Kick-Ass 3.

INT. SUBWAY

JULIE ESTELLE (HAMMER GIRL) finds her target on the SUBWAY, surrounded by a bunch of GUARDS!

JULIE ESTELLE

You're fucked now! Not only am I a deaf woman who wears huge dark sunglasses, but I have TWO, count 'em, TWO hammers! That's way too much quirk in one package for you to handle!

GUARDS

Man, if we had even ONE gun between all of us, you'd be dead already. Sadly all we brought were these puny two-inch knives to fight with. Shit, these have even less reach than hammers.

(are killed)

EXT. BUILDING

VERY TRI YULISMAN (BAT GUY) reaches his target by PUMMELING TWO DOZEN GUARDS with his BAT.

VERY TRI YULISMAN

Wow, none of MY guards have guns either! What are the odds?!

VERY then KILLS his target by BATTING BASEBALLS ACROSS A LARGE ROOM AT HIM. Then he murders some witnesses by TAKING A HOCKEY PENALTY-SHOT WITH AN EXPLODING PUCK, frags a security camera by hitting a FADEAWAY THREE-POINTER with a GRENADE, and makes his getaway with COMPETITIVE BALLROOM DANCING which is ALSO SUPER-ATHLETIC AND SHIT JUST ASK ARUNAS BIZOKAS & KATUSHA DEMIDOVA, ASSHOLES

EXT. STREET

IKO is spotted by a roving bunch of COPS!

IKO UWAIS

Hey guys! On your way to a RAID, maybe?

COPS

Stop trying to make the title happen, Iko, okay? Look, we're all crooked and working for rival gangs, so you're gonna have to beat us all up now. But we've been practicing our twirly defeated-spins all day, we'll make this good.

IKO mows down all the COPS with his SILAT, pressing one guy's FACE right on a HOT STOVE!

SEARED-FACE COP

(flesh burning)

ARRGH I GIVE UP! YOU WIN!!

GORDON RAMSAY

(examining cop face)

It's STILL RAW!! HONESTLY!!!

(has tantrum)

IKO obligingly continues to barbecue the COP'S FACE while the audience goes for more popcorn, maybe use the washrooms, check Twitter, and settle in again.

MELTED-FACE COP

Man, I just HAD to draw the "excessively violent finishing move" card, didn't I.

INT. BIG BOSS'S OFFICE

TIO PAKUSODEWO

It's okay everyone, I was just at a gangland peace summit hosted by some fucking weirdo we've never seen before. We should be fine.

But ALEX ABBAD and his men stride in!

ALEX ABBAD

Afraid not, Tio! Plus, Arifin's working with me! To demonstrate his new Alpha-status, he'll now shoot his own Dad in front of all of us.

ARIFIN PUTRA

(crying)

NOW I AM THE ULTIMATE GANGLAND BAD-ASS

(shoots Tio)

(sobs, honks nose into tissue)

(clutches stuffed pony)

(hangs Bieber poster)

IKO UWAIS

(arriving)

Hey, anybody feel like RAIDING the fridge... wait, what the hell?!? BLARGH, FIGHT TIME!

CECEP ARIF RAHMAN proceeds to swiftly defeat IKO with his PINKY FINGER, setting up how EVENLY MATCHED they will be in the final fight.

ALEX ABBAD

Okay, you know the drill, Cecep. Don't kill him here, take him to an elaborate action set-piece where he can escape and come get me.

CECEP drops IKO into the highway scene from THE MATRIX RELOADED but IKO fights his way out, aided by (gasp) OKA ANTARA!

OKA ANTARA

(mortally wounded)

Yes, I'm on your side. I was an undercover cop myself, who managed to suck even more than you.

IKO UWAIS

Wow, that's kind of tragic. How about I drop you off in the middle of nowhere to bleed to death, while I go back and fight some more?

OKA ANTARA

Why not, I'm done here anyway.

(probably dies, maybe not, who gives a shit)

INT. LOADING BAY ROOM

IKO UWAIS

I'm here for the big-ass final fight!

IKO is attacked by 2,000 GUYS all of whom, regrettably, forgot to bring any SPORTS EQUIPMENT or HANDYMAN TOOLS with them, and so are summarily DECIMATED.

INT. HALLWAY THAT IS QUITE CLEAN AND NEAT, I MUST SAY

IKO squares off against VERY and JULIE.

VERY TRI YULISMAN

Now for the REALLY big-ass final climactic fight!

IKO UWAIS

Wait, what the... a woman fighter?!? With distinguishing characteristics?!? Don't tell me she has independent motives and narrative agency, too!

JULIE ESTELLE

Nah, I just wait for someone to push my kill-button and then I kill things.

IKO UWAIS

Phew!

They FIGHT! IKO kills JULIE and then gives VERY an EXTREME MAKEOVER where his usual foundation and concealer are replaced with HIS OWN BASEBALL BAT BURIED IN HIS FUCKING HEAD.

INT. INDUSTRIAL KITCHEN

IKO squares off against CECEP while the KITCHEN STAFF perform a neat and orderly GETTING THE FUCK OUT.

CECEP ARIF RAHMAN

Now for the REALLY REALLY big final climactic ass final fight. Let's begin by posing directly in front of each other.

(pause)

Before we start, let me get just a liiittle closer to you... okay just a liiiiiiiiiittle more...

IKO UWAIS

Dude, any closer and we'll be scissoring. Throw a damned punch already.

The KITCHEN BATTLE BEGINS! IKO and CECEP open their SECRET INGREDIENT BASKETS and must make an appetizer containing PUNCHES and KICKS and WAILING ON A DUDE'S FACE. IKO cleverly adds a garnish of BROKEN BOTTLE TO THE HEAD, winning the first round!

However CECEP pulls a SABOTAGE on IKO'S ENTREE by replacing his LACK OF KNIFE WOUNDS TO THE LEG with a BRUTAL KNIFE WOUND TO THE LEG. The score is all EVENED UP!!

Finally it all comes down to a CARVING SKILLS COMPETITION performed on EACH OTHER'S TORSO! IKO displays his superior culinary skills by RIPPING OUT CECEP'S FUCKING THROAT, thus claiming the title of TOP SILAT CHEF!!

INT. DINING ROOM

ARIFIN is dining with ALEX and a CROOKED POLICE COMMISSIONER GUY.

ARIFIN PUTRA

Wait a sec, Alex, your tattoo! It's the same as those guys I killed before... which means rather than kidnap five random guys to fool me, you sacrificed your own loyal gang members, which was pretty stupid. Anway, you die now!

(shoots Alex)

Oh, and you too.

(shoots police commissioner)

IKO UWAIS

(entering)

Ah, excuse me? I've been waiting to take revenge on Alex for the entire goddamn movie, and just took 4,700 body blows and knife wounds to get to him, asshole!! I think I had fucking dibs!!

(sighs)

I don't suppose you have the names of all the crooked cops?

ARIFIN PUTRA

Huh? Fuck no.

(thinks)

I guess the crooked police commissioner I just killed might have known that.

IKO UWAIS

Well nice work, douchebag. Way to fuck up my character having any payoff AT ALL.

(shoots Arifin)

IKO goes to leave but runs into ANOTHER GANG. They have a conversation which we don't hear, making this movie the perfect double bill with LOST IN TRANSLATION.

IKO UWAIS

(actual line)

I'm done.

END -- UNTIL NEXT TIME, GET READY FOR "THE RAID 3: LOST IN NEW YORK"!!

IKO UWAIS

Okay I might not be done.