"We need to jump into the water but WHERE IS IT?! WHERE?!?? GINA STOP DISTRACTING ME WHILE I'M LOOKING FOR THE WATER OKAY?!!?"

DEEPWATER HORIZON

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. MARK WAHLBERG'S HOUSE

REGULAR-GUY EVERYMAN MARK WAHLBERG wakes up, fucks wife KATE HUDSON with his RED-BLOODED WORKING-CLASS-HERO COCK and sits down for BREAKFAST with his family.

MARK'S DAUGHTER

Good morning Dad! I have an exposition project today at school, can I show you?

MARK WAHLBERG

Well most of the audience is probably not that familiar with ocean drilling, so go ahead.

MARK'S DAUGHTER

Yay! Allow me to demonstrate with this can of cool, refreshing Coca-Cola.™ Mmm-mmm. Anyway the Coke represents oil underneath the ocean floor, and your drilling rig will be represented by these Pop Rocks and leaky dynamite WHOOPS

(explodes kitchen)

MARK WAHLBERG

AW GEEZ NOW THERE'S FORESHADOWING ALL OVER THE HOUSE, KATE CALL THE CLEANERS OKAY

INT. HELICOPTER TERMINAL

The RIG WORKERS report in for their months-long shift aboard the DEEPWATER HORIZON.

MARK WAHLBERG

Mark Wahlberg, reporting for Real Life American Hero duty on board DEEPWATER HORIZON! My qualifications are that I can make my forehead wrinkle, and of course that I'm banging Kate Hudson.

(spots Kurt Russell)

Um, banging the CHARACTER PLAYED BY Kate Hudson, I wanna make that clear.

KURT RUSSELL

Kurt Russell, ship boss of DEEPWATER HORIZON, reporting! And my qualifications are being KURT GODDAMN RUSSELL GODDAMN IT. YYYYEP

(swaggers)

GINA RODRIGUEZ

Gina Rodriguez reporting in! And I'm clearly a Vazquez-level badass since I have a busted-up vintage Mustang in my yard that I'm fixing myself, and got a lift here from my motorcycle-driving fella! Oh yeah!! Can't wait to bust out that badassery on the DEEPWATER HORIZON!

BP ASSHOLES

(asshole-ly)

We're also going to DEEPWATER HORIZON with you idiot backwater ocean-hicks.

(jam entire bodies up own asshole)

HELICOPTER PILOT

Right, everyone on board! Next stop, DEEPWATER HORIZON!

They FLY OVER to... DEEPWATER HORIZON!!!!

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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