The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
CLOSE UP - AN OBJECT
The object explodes.
DIRECTOR JAN DE BONT
Wheee!!!
INT. SOME OTHER PLACE
Something else explodes just before KEANU REEVES can stop it. The phone RINGS.
KEANU REEVES
Dude?
DENNIS HOPPER
Hello Keanu, sonny boy. Go save the bus for your old Grandpa, ok?
KEANU REEVES
Ok, Gramps.
KEANU runs for the BUS, which has a bomb on it. He jumps onto it, because he is HEROIC and really loves humans and wants to save them. He is AWESOME.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Like, what are you doing?
KEANU REEVES
(gruff, buff, and rough)
Saving you..
(dramatic pause)
I hope.
SANDRA takes the wheel due to a PLOT CONTRIVANCE, which puts an ATTRACTIVE UNWILLING HEROINE at the wheel instead of an UNKNOWN ACTOR.
They speed along the road, breaking all sorts of SHIT and blowing other SHIT up.
DIRECTOR JAN DE BONT
God I love this job.
Shit blows up for a while, until JAN DE BONT realizes he needs something to actually happen in his film.
POLICE CHIEF
The road isn't done. There's a giant hole.
AUDIENCE
What the hell? Why would there be a hole in the road? That doesn't even make any sen--
The AUDIENCE is quieted by an object EXPLODING. The BUS then makes an impossible jump.
AUDIENCE
Oooooh
KEANU directs SANDRA to an AIRPORT, where she circles the runways. KEANU has a PLAN.
He gets under the bus, where he almost detonates the bomb and makes the bus leak GAS. He also almost KILLS himself.
SANDRA BULLOCK
You're a fucking idiot.
KEANU REEVES
I'm Keanu Reeves, what the hell do you expect?
POLICE CHIEF
We've got get the passengers off.
KEANU REEVES
Can't. I somehow instinctively know he's got a camera hooked up.
POLICE CHIEF
He has a camera hooked up?
KEANU REEVES
Oh hey, shit, look at that. Yeah, he does.
They loop a tape of the inside of the bus and unload all of the passengers.
POLICE CHIEF
I'll tell him what to do with his fucking money..
The conflict is resolved! The AUDIENCE breathes a sigh of relief and starts to get up out of their seats...
KEANU REEVES
Wait, he doesn't know it blew up. Let's catch him. I'm so noble.
AUDIENCE
(sitting back down)
Dammit.
DIRECTOR JAN DE BONT
More stuff to blow up!!
INT. SUBWAY
DENNIS HOPPER hams his way onto a subway train with hostage SANDRA BULLOCK. KEANU attempts to save her.
DENNIS HOPPER
Die, Keanu! I will kill you on this subway train, which is very very much like a bus! Except this doesn't have a bomb on it.. which is kinda dull.
DENNIS shoots the crap out of the main control panel, thus disabling the ability to stop it.
DENNIS HOPPER
There, that'll make it more interesting.
DENNIS runs to the top of the subway and smacks KEANU around a bit.
DENNIS HOPPER
I'm smarter than you, Keanu. I'm smarter than you.
KEANU REEVES
Well, obviously.
SMACK! DENNIS gets his head lopped off.
KEANU REEVES
But I'm taller.. ha ha!
DENNIS HOPPER'S DECAPITATED HEAD
What? You were already taller, this line is stupid.
KEANU REEVES
Shut up.
KEANU kisses SANDRA.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Ya know.. I've heard relationships based on intense experiences never work.
KEANU REEVES
Damn right they won't work. I may be a doofus, but I'm not dumb enough to get attached to Speed 2.
WILLEM DAFOE AND JASON PATRICK
What's that supposed to mean?
END