FADE IN:

CLOSE UP - AN OBJECT

The object explodes.

DIRECTOR JAN DE BONT

Wheee!!!

INT. SOME OTHER PLACE

Something else explodes just before KEANU REEVES can stop it. The phone RINGS.

KEANU REEVES

Dude?

DENNIS HOPPER

Hello Keanu, sonny boy. Go save the bus for your old Grandpa, ok?

KEANU REEVES

Ok, Gramps.

KEANU runs for the BUS, which has a bomb on it. He jumps onto it, because he is HEROIC and really loves humans and wants to save them. He is AWESOME.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Like, what are you doing?

KEANU REEVES

(gruff, buff, and rough)

Saving you..

(dramatic pause)

I hope.

SANDRA takes the wheel due to a PLOT CONTRIVANCE, which puts an ATTRACTIVE UNWILLING HEROINE at the wheel instead of an UNKNOWN ACTOR.

They speed along the road, breaking all sorts of SHIT and blowing other SHIT up.

DIRECTOR JAN DE BONT

God I love this job.

Shit blows up for a while, until JAN DE BONT realizes he needs something to actually happen in his film.

POLICE CHIEF

The road isn't done. There's a giant hole.

AUDIENCE

What the hell? Why would there be a hole in the road? That doesn't even make any sen--

The AUDIENCE is quieted by an object EXPLODING. The BUS then makes an impossible jump.

AUDIENCE

Oooooh

KEANU directs SANDRA to an AIRPORT, where she circles the runways. KEANU has a PLAN.

He gets under the bus, where he almost detonates the bomb and makes the bus leak GAS. He also almost KILLS himself.

SANDRA BULLOCK

You're a fucking idiot.

KEANU REEVES

I'm Keanu Reeves, what the hell do you expect?

POLICE CHIEF

We've got get the passengers off.

KEANU REEVES

Can't. I somehow instinctively know he's got a camera hooked up.

POLICE CHIEF

He has a camera hooked up?

KEANU REEVES

Oh hey, shit, look at that. Yeah, he does.

They loop a tape of the inside of the bus and unload all of the passengers.

POLICE CHIEF

I'll tell him what to do with his fucking money..

The conflict is resolved! The AUDIENCE breathes a sigh of relief and starts to get up out of their seats...

KEANU REEVES

Wait, he doesn't know it blew up. Let's catch him. I'm so noble.

AUDIENCE

(sitting back down)

Dammit.

DIRECTOR JAN DE BONT

More stuff to blow up!!

INT. SUBWAY

DENNIS HOPPER hams his way onto a subway train with hostage SANDRA BULLOCK. KEANU attempts to save her.

DENNIS HOPPER

Die, Keanu! I will kill you on this subway train, which is very very much like a bus! Except this doesn't have a bomb on it.. which is kinda dull.

DENNIS shoots the crap out of the main control panel, thus disabling the ability to stop it.

DENNIS HOPPER

There, that'll make it more interesting.

DENNIS runs to the top of the subway and smacks KEANU around a bit.

DENNIS HOPPER

I'm smarter than you, Keanu. I'm smarter than you.

KEANU REEVES

Well, obviously.

SMACK! DENNIS gets his head lopped off.

KEANU REEVES

But I'm taller.. ha ha!

DENNIS HOPPER'S DECAPITATED HEAD

What? You were already taller, this line is stupid.

KEANU REEVES

Shut up.

KEANU kisses SANDRA.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Ya know.. I've heard relationships based on intense experiences never work.

KEANU REEVES

Damn right they won't work. I may be a doofus, but I'm not dumb enough to get attached to Speed 2.

WILLEM DAFOE AND JASON PATRICK

What's that supposed to mean?

END